Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Attempting day 1 which I don't even know if it will end well... Yesterday I broke my sobriety streak, got drunk and binged PMO with absolutely no care, 5 PMOs or some bullshit like that. I'm feeling the "hangovers" for both right now, I'm fucked up. Fuckin shit, man! Why am I doing this in the same way as last year? Start with the self-declaration of going until at least March without porn and then binge in January.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

Day fuckin one again as yesterday I relapsed. I watched porn pretty much all afternoon and completed a full PMO by late in the evening. I don't need to say anything further as we pretty much know how I feel.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Day 1

Day fuckin one again as yesterday I relapsed. I watched porn pretty much all afternoon and completed a full PMO by late in the evening. I don't need to say anything further as we pretty much know how I feel.

Your feelings matter, Escape. This is YOUR journal, who cares if it sounds like 'repeat' to others. It's important for you to express your feelings anyway.

Okay, so a few lapses. Eventually all that activity (which follows a bunch of internal activity, like thoughts and feelings) will calm down. That's when you can just 'set it and-forget it', and go on for another streak. String enough lengthy streaks together, and you'll have a better year.

It's only the beginning, don't try and project too much how the year will go... Change it up somehow, and it will change. Same ol' means same ol'- so, find a way to switch things up.

Best to you!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Your feelings matter, Escape. This is YOUR journal, who cares if it sounds like 'repeat' to others. It's important for you to express your feelings anyway.

Okay, so a few lapses. Eventually all that activity (which follows a bunch of internal activity, like thoughts and feelings) will calm down. That's when you can just 'set it and-forget it', and go on for another streak. String enough lengthy streaks together, and you'll have a better year.

It's only the beginning, don't try and project too much how the year will go... Change it up somehow, and it will change. Same ol' means same ol'- so, find a way to switch things up.

Best to you!
Nah, man, fuck all the repetition, I'm fed up with writing the same things here. But I agree with you, I need to make some changes. Thanks.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

With my pathetic dick in my hand, for comfort. For comfort for my life. But it's a vicious circle. Bullying led to porn addiction and alcoholism, alcohol and porn literally destroyed my brain, which is true, and they feed each other. I have no idea how I could save myself. Okay, I admit, I don't know how to save myself.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. Do you think it's time to go get some professional help? I know you mentioned a while back that you would if you couldn't get a handle on this, thus, I thought I'd keep you accountable to that. There's is no shame in admitting this, it's even heroic, because it means you're willing to do whatever it takes to beat it. This addiction can wreak havoc on our brains, and with your childhood trauma, plus alcoholism, this is doubly so. Not even the greatest generals can fight a two-front battle without extra reinforcements. There is no shame in acknowledging this. Maybe it's time to reach out to people in your circle, if not professionally.

Just a thought brother.

Love

Blondie.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. Do you think it's time to go get some professional help? I know you mentioned a while back that you would if you couldn't get a handle on this, thus, I thought I'd keep you accountable to that. There's is no shame in admitting this, it's even heroic, because it means you're willing to do whatever it takes to beat it. This addiction can wreak havoc on our brains, and with your childhood trauma, plus alcoholism, this is doubly so. Not even the greatest generals can fight a two-front battle without extra reinforcements. There is no shame in acknowledging this. Maybe it's time to reach out to people in your circle, if not professionally.

Just a thought brother.

Love

Blondie.
I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

Absolute wreck. I'm definitely lost and confused. Other than probably going to some therapy or something, I don't think I know what else to do.

Yesterday I got drunk and had a little PMO binge as well. I definitely wanted to go this month without alcohol or porn and I've been indulging in both nevertheless. I think I'm too stressed out. I feel pressured to "succeed". I feel like I'm disappointing my parents with my mediocrity and loneliness. And alcohol too, cause they know about my alcohol problem, they don't about my porn problem. But yes, I've been pretty unhappy with my life, actually pretty miserable. I don't like what's going on and I know I should definitely try to find some solutions. It's just very uncomfortable to open up for me, I have failed in all those years to lose that resistance that I talked about in the previous post.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.
I had to come out with all my issues with my family and it's a hard thing to do but I felt like it was right thing for me to do. SUre they may not fully understand it all and early on said things trying to be helpful that had the opposite effect but with time they kind of got with the program more.
I don't know what your financial situation is at the moment but have you considered online counselling?
I do my sessions over zoom and find it helpful.
We are still rooting for you man but sounds like something has to change in your approach to this to find long term success.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I had to come out with all my issues with my family and it's a hard thing to do but I felt like it was right thing for me to do. SUre they may not fully understand it all and early on said things trying to be helpful that had the opposite effect but with time they kind of got with the program more.
I don't know what your financial situation is at the moment but have you considered online counselling?
I do my sessions over zoom and find it helpful.
We are still rooting for you man but sounds like something has to change in your approach to this to find long term success.
You're right, man.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
A problem will continue to have a hold on us if we continue to be fearful and submissive.

It's a master and slave thing.
The only way to end this is if we stop it's power over us.

The shame of a dark secret cannot exist if the secret is no longer a secret.
The fear of rejection is no longer fearful once the truth is known.
It is always just a maybe that holds us back.

Don't let our weakness hold us back. Don't feed it power. Don't give it importance.

If someone threatens you with an ultimatum, accept it and end that relationship becasue that's just them having power over you.

Porn is threatening you with an ultimatum that if you don't keep on consuming it, you will suffer.
Accept it, end that relationship and endure the discomfort for a while. Freedom always has a price, but it's cheap compared to being enslaved.

Short term pain, long term gain. It's always better that way.

But seriously, if you can't leave it by yourself, please get professional help. We all read your posts and know you are struggling. Perhaps there are other aspects of your life that can also do with some healing.
So please give it a try. It just might be what you need.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.
I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.

Either way, we're all here because we're addicted to porn and the internet, that is, the matrix. And even though RN is fantastic for connecting to other humans with the same problem, unfortunately, it's still a part of the matrix, with no real connections with other humans beings. I know for myself, opening up to my girlfriend about this, talking to people about anything in general, going back to school, getting out of my head and the matrix and into the real world, has helped me tremendously in my recovery. RN has not been my only source of help and solace I can tell you that.

Maybe that's something you can think about. We all need real hugs and tears, not just the emptiness of staring at 0s and 1s.

You're a hero, I mean that

As always, with love

Blondie
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.

Either way, we're all here because we're addicted to porn and the internet, that is, the matrix. And even though RN is fantastic for connecting to other humans with the same problem, unfortunately, it's still a part of the matrix, with no real connections with other humans beings. I know for myself, opening up to my girlfriend about this, talking to people about anything in general, going back to school, getting out of my head and the matrix and into the real world, has helped me tremendously in my recovery. RN has not been my only source of help and solace I can tell you that.

Maybe that's something you can think about. We all need real hugs and tears, not just the emptiness of staring at 0s and 1s.

You're a hero, I mean that

As always, with love

Blondie
Same. I understand exactly what you're talking about. I've never had those "deep" discussions with my parents either. Our relationship is a lot superficial. Then at some point I stopped talking about my problems, I don't know what exactly happened but it has turned out into a big problem for myself. It's how my big resistance to asking for help comes from. I'm telling you, this is the biggest step to take for me, to initiate this help seeking, after that it should get better but I'm very uncomfortable and scared to even start.

Anyway, I know what you mean by the true fact that a forum with text can't come close to feeling the energy of people face to face but for some years this is all I've had. But I agree that it's not enough, it's not for me, the fact that I am all alone in my struggle in real life is a huge issue.

Thanks for support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.
This thing with my parents was definitely a combination of "we don't talk about our deepest fear and secrets" type of thing, not necessarily declared by them but that was the atmosphere anyway, and some conversations that I used to have with my parents, especially with my mom to whom I've had several very unproductive discussions where she literally drove me nuts. So probably this hocus pocus happened in my head and I said fuck it, I don't want to embarrass myself anymore. You feel me? Then I started having problems and the idea that I'm a guy and guys don't whine started to be a thing. I basically left myself all alone in my struggle. But you know, even though people might feel like addiction is weakness or the fact that you've become dependent on some form of addictive escapism mean you were weak and that's why you ended up doing that, I don't agree with it. I agree with doctor Gabor Mate who says that the choice to escape suffering is a normal reaction, we all want to escape pain or avoid discomfort, it's a normal reaction for humans. It's just that we chose to do it in an unhealthy way without knowing cause none of us knew wtf internet porn was anyway at that time.
 
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