Weekly Reforge Journal

[CovertReforge]

So I'm working back through the legacy version of Mark Queppet's Reforged Man course, and he recommends journaling and interacting on a porn recovery forum to help with accountability. I've tried doing some daily journaling but I rarely stuck to it and I usually didn't like doing it. Also, I'm not much of a talker in reality or on the internet, so I always thought that I wouldn't get much out of interacting on a forum. I thought about how I could implement some sort of accountability I could stick with, and doing weekly posts on a journal here was the solution. So I'll be doing a kind of "week in review" here, looking around at what other people are posting, and posting a reply if I think I have something to add.

So this week I've binged. I relapsed four days this week. On one of those days I relapsed twice. Not ideal after going last week clean. The good news is I'm on a 2 day streak now, I'm getting back into an exercise routine through walking, and I'm getting back into another course to continue learning web development. I think most of the reason I binged was a group workout I did on Sunday night. It was a crossfit type workout with lots of burpees and jumps, with the expectation of doing lots of reps in a short amount of time. Part of the way through the workout I ran out of energy, and I went home completely worn out physically and mentally. I felt an urge, and I just didn't have the energy to deal with it, so I relapsed that night. I spent a good part of the week with low energy, and it wasn't until Thursday when I noticed my abs didn't hurt anymore from the workout. Since then, I've been figuring out ways to improve my rest, exercise, nutrition, and productivity in a way that makes sense for where I am in my recovery. Since I'm at a place where I'm watching porn more than once a week on average, and I don't have much energy, I've been focusing on making the minimum effective changes in these areas. I'm going to bed 30 minutes to an hour earlier, walking for 20-30 minutes 3 times a week, being intentional on eating 3 meals a day instead of snacking randomly, and spending 15 minutes on my web development course on non-exercise days. I'm also going to quit going to those group workouts that I mentioned before. I'm not in nearly in good enough shape to keep up during those. Judging by the attendance at the last one, I'm probably not the only one feeling that. I haven't had the chance to hang out with people much over the last couple years, but there has to be a better way than doing some intense workouts during an already hot summer.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Hey man, welcome to the forum! Glad you've decided to take this step. Sorry to hear about that binge, but that's what this community is here to help with. Definitely keep up on the exercise and study routine, busy hands can't be filled with pecker. Looking forward to seeing you progress!

 

[CovertReforge]

Had 2 relapses this week. One was because I was bored and in the other I was screwing around on the internet instead of following my evening routine like I wanted to. Otherwise I think I've made some progress. I've had a couple of 3 day streaks, and I'm getting into a routine that helps me to make progress in other aspects of my life while still having enough energy to push porn out. My biggest concern is that I've been dealing with some tension headaches and sinus congestion. I think that porn is mostly the cause of both of them being as bad as they are right now. I'm hoping that by extending my current streak, those symptoms will improve. I'm having to relearn to feel emotions, especially anger, without letting them run the show in my head. I think that was another reason for my second relapse. I got worked up about something that happened at work, and I wanted to distract myself when I got home. With what I've gone back through in Reforged Man and applied more seriously, I can already see a difference in how well I'm dealing with cravings. That's all I can think of to talk about on here for the week. It's a relief to see myself making sustainable progress toward quitting porn instead of white knuckling and hoping for the best.

 

[CovertReforge]

So this week I've had another two relapses. I'll be hitting a 3 day streak in a few hours. I've felt pretty scatterbrained this weekend. It seems like anything productive I want to get done I procrastinate in doing it. I've also had a bothersome urge since Friday morning if I'm remembering correctly. I haven't given in to it but it's had a way of sticking around. I have some clearing actions to do if it gets intense enough, but I've had trouble following through with doing them. I feel like my commitment to quitting porn is wavering. I think it comes from having to pull against the habit of just saying 'screw it' and relapsing. On the positive side, I feel like I have more energy. I don't track my pace when I walk, but I can tell my relaxed walking pace has gone up. I also haven't binged in the last couple weeks. I've been caught in a streak/binge cycle for over a year now, so coming out of that feels like great progress. I've had a sudden change in my schedule at my job, so that's been causing some unwanted stress. I think that might be causing the persistent urge. Hopefully adapting to it over this week will help. I also need to get better about following through on my clearing actions (for example: breathing exercises, stretching, playing guitar) in dealing with persistent cravings and boredom. If I can make it through this week clean, I'll probably be able to move on to running instead of walking, and doing more work on a web development course I'm taking. It will mostly depend on how much energy I have and if I'm getting more comfortable doing those clearing actions when I'm triggered.

 

[CovertReforge]

This week I had a relapse three days in a row. I think the root issue with those relapses is I don't leave much time to be alone with my thoughts. The time I could use for that I default to video games or internet surfing. I was starting to lose commitment to quitting porn but managed to get recommitted after being concerned about the direction I was going tapping back into a belief that I am worth the effort and that I would have much more to give to others if I quit porn. It's taking me a lot longer than I hoped to get to the point where I'm relapsing less than once a week, but I feel like once I get past that point, there's likely no turning back. The process being slow right now mostly means that I have a lot more obstacles to deal with than I thought, but moving through them means that in the end, my recovery will be more robust.

 

[CovertReforge]

This week I relapsed four times. My sleep seemed off this week too. There were a couple days where I laid in bed for 10 hours. Sleeping in like that threw me off from having time to accomplish what I want before going to work. This led to cutting down my to do list to the bare minimum, procrastinating, and relapsing. I think sleeping in like that was setting the tone for being lazy for the rest of the day. I've managed to get myself to go to bed and get up at certain times for the past couple days and it seemed to help. I was also more intentional about giving myself time to process issues and emotions. That seemed to help get me back on track and get recommitted. I'll be finishing the Reforged Man course this week. After that, I'll transition to revisiting parts of the course that are relevant to what main issues I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm not making progress like I hoped but I'm optimistic that I'll get some momentum going in the next couple weeks. No post next week as I'll be gone fishing. Hopefully I'll catch a big one and get a new perspective on this process.

 

[CovertReforge]

Unfortunately, this month has overall been a step back. I seem to have been going back to a streak-binge cycle. I've implemented a standard way to reflect on relapses this week. It's a checklist from the Reforged Man course I finished last week. It has me being more thorough than I was before in figuring out what happened and what I wish I would've done instead. As much as I've been struggling with staying clean, doing this to at least fail forward if I relapse should get me some momentum, if not get me clean altogether. It's been rough but I still believe I can quit porn. It's taking longer to make progress than I thought, and I'm having to resist beating myself up about it. That being said, I still feel optimistic that I can finish this year strong.

 

[CovertReforge]

Had 3 relapses this week. I was able to reflect on all on them. I'm starting to change the way I think as I reflect on what happened that led to my relapse, what I wish I would've done instead, and how I could have thought or acted to change the situation. I'm also trying to relax and be patient when I'm getting worried and I know it's just from porn's effect on my brain. It's an anxiety that, when I think about it, has no reason that I can think of to be there. On one hand, I feel like I'm mentally checking out as I recently haven't felt like doing much. On the other hand, I can see my mindset changing with it getting harder to rationalize putting myself in situations where I can easily relapse. I feel more confident that I will get on the other side of this, but it seems like it's going to be a slow process.

 

[CovertReforge]

I'm still having trouble with relapses and I'm losing motivation. The only thing I know to do is to revisit some material on transmutation and handling urges. I'm also going to take colder showers and figure out a way to not have my phone on me so much while I'm at home this week. This is to wake my brain up from the funk I've been dealing with for a while. Reflecting on the relapses has been beneficial, but it can only help so much when I feel demoralized almost all the time. Hopefully I can come back here with better news on how things are going next week.

 

[CovertReforge]

This week was much better. I almost made it the whole week clean, but I relapsed after a really stressful dream a couple nights ago. I've been reminding myself to stay calm when an craving comes up and it seems to be mostly helping. Some cravings have been tough and I'm sure I'll continue dealing with them, but this week has made the future look promising. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a rock to stand on to quit my addiction. I'm optimistic that I will quit if I stay on this path.

 

[CovertReforge]

Had a couple of issues with relapsing twice in a short amount of time this week. I had been getting away from my normal sleep cycle and I've been sitting around scrolling on my phone a lot. I know that going back to bed when I normally intend to will help the first problem, but I'm having trouble getting clear on what using my phone less actually means. What it mostly means is that I try not to have it in my pocket while I'm at home. I'm also using do not disturb mode more outside of when I have it scheduled. I'm still working it out but the goal is to minimize mindless scrolling on my phone, since it becomes a trigger for a porn craving the majority of the time. Contrary to how this week went, I'm still optimistic about recovering. I still feel like I have that rock to stand on.

 

[CovertReforge]

The past two weeks couldn't have been more different. Last week I was just giving up when it counted. Last Saturday I had a rough time trying to sleep, so I revisited a part in the Reforged Man course where I get bought in to quitting porn. It helped to answer my underlying question of whether this is worth it. I was having a rough time with cravings, and I wasn't seeing much to gain by overcoming them. It's helped me to articulate my why in a way that I needed. This week I've been clean, though today I'm dealing with some cravings. It's probably because I don't usually have a lot going on on Saturdays, and that testosterone boost from going a week clean is probably kicking in. I feel more resolute in the face of porn and other obstacles right now, and I'll keep revisiting my why to update it for whatever might become more important to me in the future. Last time it was about looking at what I stand to gain from quitting, but it could be something else in the future.

 

[CovertReforge]

This week was weird. I started out with plenty of momentum on my streak, then I slept late a couple days ago and went on probably my worst binge this year. I still don't really know what to make of it. I don't think I was white-knuckling when I was on my streak, but when I first relapsed that morning it was like any inhibition I had about using porn went out the window. It was taking everything I could to keep it together when I got to work, and when I got home I couldn't take it anymore. On top of that I was coming down with a cold and it also got way worse that day to the point where I couldn't sleep. The only thing I could think of to prevent this from happening again was to treat getting up at a certain time like a safeguard against relapse. If there was an emotional issue behind it I hope it becomes more apparent to me so I can deal with it. I had been feeling depressed at times while on my streak, but I also felt resolute through the depression. I felt like crap but I seemed to have a deep sense that it would pass and that I am ok. Today I'm back on the horse, holding on to my why as motivation for the hard times. I'm more confident than ever that I can quit, but I'm concerned about the way I just fell apart and binged after I relapsed. Maybe it can be a memory to summarize just how damaging porn has been in my life.

 

[CovertReforge]

Had a couple of slip-ups this week but I seem to be moving in the right direction. Right now I have this nagging feeling that I'm not making progress fast enough. I'm restless but I don't want to rush. I've found that I break down when I try to rush things, especially when it comes to dealing with porn. I think it comes down to finding positives in the moment and reminding myself that I'm on the path to where I want to go.

 

[CovertReforge]

I'm still finding myself slipping up lately. I'm dealing with my strongest cravings in the morning. The cravings are so intense I don't feel like I have control over my mind. The only thing I can think of to help is to get up when those cravings hit and walk a little to clear my head. However, getting up during those times seems to require way more motivation that I can muster when I wake up. I think I'll just have to use that extra energy and find a way to deal with being depleted later in the day if that is needed.

 

[CovertReforge]

I feel like I'm making small bits of progress but I also feel stuck. Every time I get a handle on one reason I'm relapsing, another cause for relapsing pops up. I'm looking at my lifestyle and I'm wondering if an outright dopamine fast for as long as I can stand is the solution. I'm getting convinced that the amount of gaming I do is contributing to my porn addiction. I do think that video games in moderation can be a net positive, but I think it's becoming excessive in my case. With all the tools I have to beat this addiction, the reason I'm still struggling like this seems to be that I'm not going deep enough to take on the root causes. I have a hard time imagining what my life looks like without playing video games a lot, but I think it's going to involve finding new hobbies and being intentional about sticking to them.

 

[CovertReforge]

I started this week clean but a couple days ago I just got overwhelmed by a craving. Now, every morning I wake up to intense cravings for porn. I'm working on an experiment for January to see what happens if I abstain from video games and excessive screen use. I'm working out the details of what exactly I'll be doing, but the gist of it is to get away from spending all my free time on video games and internet surfing, and find new hobbies to fill that time. Practicing more on guitar and shooting basketball are the first two things that have come to my mind in terms of finding different activities. My thought process in doing this is I'm getting convinced that the way I'm spending my free time is actually feeding the addiction. I've had many relapses when I've been playing video games, got bored, didn't feel like doing anything, relapse, then go back to the game. The same can be said for when I spend a while surfing the net. The only way I can explain having so many tools to quit porn (to the point of paying $347 for a course) and still hardly make it a week clean is the mind-numbing effects of porn are being compounded by excessive screen use through video games and internet scrolling. Other things I'll do in January include taking short, cold showers; abstaining from eating between meals; abstaining from sweet drinks like soda; and reciting a prayer each day for God's help against sexual temptation. I'm waiting to start in January so I have time to plan out what I'm doing. I want to keep the goalposts in one place instead of moving them on a whim.

 

[CovertReforge]

Didn't get around to posting last week but it's basically been the same story. I've got my January experiment defined and ready to try tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous about what the results will be. I've known in the back of my mind that I've needed to change my recreation for a while but I ignored it for too long. It's going to be a tough adjustment but the bulk of what I'm doing is only for the month. I do plan on moderating my gaming and internet use after January. The challenge as I go through the month will be to figure out what that moderation needs to be.

 

[CovertReforge]

This was the first week of no video games and minimal phone use. So far I'd say it's gone well. I've gone through this week free of porn use. There have been some ups and downs with my brain healing and getting used to not having video games to look forward to. The weekends are going to be the toughest since I'm used to doing a couple productive things then binging on video games for the rest of the time. On the positive side, I'm looking forward to practicing more on guitar, practicing basketball, and perhaps reading some books I have lying around.

I have a couple of exceptions for staying away from video games and internet surfing. For video games, I made one sim racing game an exception, where I only do up to one race weekend per weekend. I have a wheel and pedals for it, so to me that's a lot different from sitting around pushing a few buttons on a controller or a keyboard. I think it's also telling that I would usually want to do some racing, but in the moment I would default to something else.

Another exception is on YouTube. I have a playlist set aside that I can watch through the month. The playlist includes videos about self-development, Christian apologetics, and racing news. I also have only a handful of channels I can check for new videos. My main concern with my internet use is that I default to mindless scrolling and watching whatever nonsense I end up clicking on or, in the case of my phone, coming across. There have been many times where I had plenty of helpful and informative videos saved to watch later, but I would procrastinate and usually not get around to them.

I generally will want to use these exceptions only after I've done some of the non-screen hobbies that I want to be more intentional about. I really do believe this is going to help me to also quit porn. What I think would happen is that I would get so mentally numbed that porn would become the only thing that could make me feel good. That made it unbelievably hard to resist. This week seems to have proved me right, and I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of the month goes.

 

[CovertReforge]

Second week of no video games and minimal phone use is also going well. I've gone another week free of porn use. The only thing that is not going like I hoped is I'm slipping on my phone use some. I've had moments this week where I got caught up in scrolling or going down some internet rabbit hole. I wasn't looking at anything risky, but I was using my phone more than I had planned. I have also been dealing with some stronger cravings. So far, it seems like that's a result of adjusting to not using porn and feeling pretty lonely these days. What has stood out in many of these cravings is when I start feeling like acting out on them, I immediately realize that acting out isn't what I actually want. Usually when I have a craving, I really want connection and intimacy. Acting out doesn't provide that. Before, even if I realized this, it was like it didn't matter. I could tell myself all the right things and just relapse anyway. My experiment to move away from video games seems to have cleared enough mental space for me to actually follow through on what I want.