August 13th, 2013
You know that phrase the calm before the storm? Well lately I think it's been the storm before the calm. Maybe that's what growing up is like. What I know is I've felt like crap up until this recent epiphany. A recent surge and understanding of independence. Since puberty my focus has been on falling in love and sexuality. Until recently. Lately I've noticed other people more. How amazing and talented they are. All because I've started an open relationship. I've been able to focus on school and my responsibilities like never before. To focus on enriching who I am, and doing the things I love. We've agreed not to tell eachother if we're getting involved with someone else. We both just honestly said we would rather not know, I think that shows a lot of trust and maturity on our parts. A lot of people think that people should tell eachother everything in a relationship. But who says? Maybe a real relationship is trusting eahother to know who they are, without knowing absolutely everything about them or what they do. If you think about it, God is the greatest relationship we could ever have, right? That relationship also requires the greatest leap of faith we could take. Therefore, people should have more faith in their relationships. Rather than knowledge because you "tell eachother everything." I think trust and faith is much more important in a relationship than full disclosure. Keeping in mind that trust should always be earned, and that faith is different than hope.
~Jennifer
Side note from present day: Because I never wrote further on what happened after that, which lead to the one regret I have in my life. Being an angsty hormone fueled teen, in combination with a porn addiction started at 12 and 5 years strong, and trying the open relationship really muddled my ideals and values. Looking back I'm ashamed of how I treated everyone in that situation, simply to satisfy my own curiosities and desires as I became a more sexual being. I wanted to experience some things I saw in porn. And I didn't want to with my boyfriend because I really "cared" for him and our relationship. We weren't ready to do those things. I didn't want to use him. But there were others I knew that I was okay with using and I knew would be okay with being used. I'm ashamed of my selfishness, even as a teen. I'm ashamed I let porn impact how I treat and view people and my own sexuality as much as it did. The open relationship was a 1 month trial. We were grateful for the experience as a couple but decided to be exclusive again. I'd gotten what I needed so I was fine with that too... but the pull of addiction, now seemingly grown from a porn addiction to a sex addiction was too strong.
Though I was still a virgin I'd done just about everything else. And in our exclusive monogomous state of a relationship I let another guy kiss me and briefly get to second base. I froze in the moment. I set myself up for this and knew what I was doing but I was just paralyzed with the sudden reality of the situation, even later being willing to do it again but thankfully it didn't happen. Thanks to the "other guys" integrity, when I told him who I was dating, the "other guy" said it wouldn't happen again. My boyfriend didn't know. But our anniversary rolled around and I couldn't continue with the lie in the air. So I confessed. He broke up with me the next day. I broke his heart. And this is when I realized how much unhealthy desire porn can stir up in a young person just learning about their sexuality and how much it can impact how you view and respect people.
This is what caused me to start my reboot, my recovery, my fight in this addiction. When I realized there was a problem.
My boyfriend at the time was a good man. And though this is what has spurred on a lifetime fighting and educating others on the harms of porn, I would trade my entire lifes work of fighting pornography to take back that moment and never hurt him the way I did. If that would make a difference. I think the story across many addictions is they do often hurt the people who love the addict as much if not more than the addict themself. I guess this is why I fight so hard. Not just for us addicts, but for those who love us as well.
Definitely let me know if you find more good ones! And good luck ❤ i think my toughest lesson was learning to not let society dictate how i feel about myself.