Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change

Jinx2109

Member
These are my real life journals as I grew up over the past decade; struggling with addiction, with shame from the Church and myself, the nuanced changes from religion into faith, and my angst growing into wisdom and groundedness. After I digitize and reflect on these bits of history I'll continue updates here as I fight with the ups and downs of sobriety and the final step of recovery - helping others: for me, the fight to end sexual exploitation. As The Beatles said, "All you need is love."
 

Jinx2109

Member
March 8th, 2012

With every sin I commit I feel the guilt and I worry that someone close to me will find out who I really am. Disappointment in myself is unstoppable because who I was in my youth would disapprove of my actions. Then I read this: "Now if I do what I do no want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." What a relief to know it is not the real me! However the sin still needs to be fought. It lives within all of us, and needs to be fought. And knowing it is not the real me makes me want to fight it more because life is all about figuring out who you are and living as you were designed to by God.

-Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
June 18th, 2012
Everything about me is what I'm beginning to question. My personality, character, sense of humor, and emotions. Who I am is all these things. I don't know who I am today. I need reassurance, not pity, not compliments, maybe empathy, definitely encouragement: that I can make it through life. Maybe I'll know who I am tomorrow. I just hope that someday I'll find someone with whom I can be my complete self. A kindred spirit if you will. Because right now, I feel so alone.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
October 6th 2012
There are really no words to describe what I'm feeling or what's been going on lately. However may I just say, kissing is weird.. I had my 1st kiss on Friday the 5th of October, and it was great, but strange. I'm fairly sure that I've built up my "1st kiss" in my mind since a young age and as important or life changing as it may be I don't think it means as much as your last. Anyways, back to its weirdness… it's the strangest thing to be in the liplock with someone, you really have to let down your guard at which I am not good. I did for a while and everything was comfortable even though my heart was beating faster and my body started tingling. The major thing is that with this certain man I'm not so nervous, everything feels so much more natural. I think that's the most important thing. Despite that when I'm with him, everything is hazy.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
November 6th, 2012
You can become so used to the comfort of holding someone's hand, or being held in their arms, or sharing with them a warm glance, that you can feel so utterly empty and alone if they leave you. And you can become desperate, searching for someone to fill that hole. When from the start, you should have been filling that hole. No one can complete you, you must complete yourself. For your emptiness will become deep a the Mariana's Trench and no amount of crying on the inside will fill the hole enough to well into tears that may bring you satisfied relief.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
February 20th, 2013
Temptation. What makes it so tempting? What draws us from comfortable lives, satisfactory or even happy lives and attracts us to something we know is wrong? There are a number of reasons; lust, excitement, change. And eventually... addiction.

Why, if supposedly loving, do we cause pain?
What is so attractive about an affair, either of the mind or body?
Do we love who is near? Who we can at that moment?
Do we fall because of that person or because of the lack of another?
How, in a life so sweet may our morals change? How, in a life so dark may we have none to find a way?
What we allow of ourselves, is it driven by thought, or a lack of it?
Can passion muster in a moment as much as in a lifetime?

Can guilt muster in a lifetime as much as in a moment?

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
March 27th, 2013
Tears stream down my face but I haven't the energy to cry, I have to remind myself to breathe. Why does this fire within me burn so hot? Except now it actually burns, it hurts and it will keep hurting because the lines have been drawn. This balanced world brings me ecstasy and torture in one package. A pandora's box with nothing but good and bad. Give me clarity... please! I beg of you, God! Give me clarity! I have so much to do...so why is it all I can do... is nothing. I cant think nof anything, I can't move. My stomach eats at itself but I can't even think of eating. The salt water on my face reminds me of what I lost, but I can't quench my thirst either. Stop saying I can't ... you can if you just try. You will, because you must be strong, this is only the beginning. Crying and being sad are o.k. but you must get up now. Your eyes aren't laden enough to sleep anyways, you just woke up. You can, you will. I can, I will.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
*Trigger Warning* Implications of suicidal thoughts. Again these are old journals of mine, for anyone concerned I'm happy to still be here. For anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts call or text '988' or you can message me if you like. You are loved!

June 12, 2013
What's wrong with me? It's not even that time of the month. That's the scary bit, am I really so burdened with emotion that I can't bear to face the world? That I would take my own life? My stomach wants to toss back at me the small amount of food it contains. my heart is beating so fast it feels as if it will wear out by morning. Maybe it will.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I don't feel like living, I don't feel living, I don't feel alive, I feel death. I feel poisened. I feel alone, and deathly.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
*Trigger Warning* Implications of suicidal thoughts. Again these are old journals of mine, for anyone concerned I'm happy to still be here. For anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts call or text '988' or you can message me if you like. You are loved!

July 9th, 2013
It seems as if my brows,
are frozen in a furrow
as if my eyes,
are tense in strain from stress
as if my lips,
are permanently pressed in pain
as if my teeth,
are constantly clenched
as if my mind,
is melting,
into tears
as if my body,
lay here in exhaustion.
Sleep is my only escape.
Lately, when I awaken, I feel no relief.
I see no point in life anymore. You live, experience pain and pleasure. Love, and hate. We all die anyways, what is this game? Please, can it just be game over.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
August 13th, 2013
You know that phrase the calm before the storm? Well lately I think it's been the storm before the calm. Maybe that's what growing up is like. What I know is I've felt like crap up until this recent epiphany. A recent surge and understanding of independence. Since puberty my focus has been on falling in love and sexuality. Until recently. Lately I've noticed other people more. How amazing and talented they are. All because I've started an open relationship. I've been able to focus on school and my responsibilities like never before. To focus on enriching who I am, and doing the things I love. We've agreed not to tell eachother if we're getting involved with someone else. We both just honestly said we would rather not know, I think that shows a lot of trust and maturity on our parts. A lot of people think that people should tell eachother everything in a relationship. But who says? Maybe a real relationship is trusting eahother to know who they are, without knowing absolutely everything about them or what they do. If you think about it, God is the greatest relationship we could ever have, right? That relationship also requires the greatest leap of faith we could take. Therefore, people should have more faith in their relationships. Rather than knowledge because you "tell eachother everything." I think trust and faith is much more important in a relationship than full disclosure. Keeping in mind that trust should always be earned, and that faith is different than hope.
~Jennifer

Side note from present day: Because I never wrote further on what happened after that, which lead to the one regret I have in my life. Being an angsty hormone fueled teen, in combination with a porn addiction started at 12 and 5 years strong, and trying the open relationship really muddled my ideals and values. Looking back I'm ashamed of how I treated everyone in that situation, simply to satisfy my own curiosities and desires as I became a more sexual being. I wanted to experience some things I saw in porn. And I didn't want to with my boyfriend because I really "cared" for him and our relationship. We weren't ready to do those things. I didn't want to use him. But there were others I knew that I was okay with using and I knew would be okay with being used. I'm ashamed of my selfishness, even as a teen. I'm ashamed I let porn impact how I treat and view people and my own sexuality as much as it did. The open relationship was a 1 month trial. We were grateful for the experience as a couple but decided to be exclusive again. I'd gotten what I needed so I was fine with that too... but the pull of addiction, now seemingly grown from a porn addiction to a sex addiction was too strong.

Though I was still a virgin I'd done just about everything else. And in our exclusive monogomous state of a relationship I let another guy kiss me and briefly get to second base. I froze in the moment. I set myself up for this and knew what I was doing but I was just paralyzed with the sudden reality of the situation, even later being willing to do it again but thankfully it didn't happen. Thanks to the "other guys" integrity, when I told him who I was dating, the "other guy" said it wouldn't happen again. My boyfriend didn't know. But our anniversary rolled around and I couldn't continue with the lie in the air. So I confessed. He broke up with me the next day. I broke his heart. And this is when I realized how much unhealthy desire porn can stir up in a young person just learning about their sexuality and how much it can impact how you view and respect people.

This is what caused me to start my reboot, my recovery, my fight in this addiction. When I realized there was a problem.

My boyfriend at the time was a good man. And though this is what has spurred on a lifetime fighting and educating others on the harms of porn, I would trade my entire lifes work of fighting pornography to take back that moment and never hurt him the way I did. If that would make a difference. I think the story across many addictions is they do often hurt the people who love the addict as much if not more than the addict themself. I guess this is why I fight so hard. Not just for us addicts, but for those who love us as well.
 

Schmuck

Active Member
Hey Jinx, I just read your entries for the first time late last night and reread them just now. This is some powerful stuff, and I'd imagine that people who aren't as familiar with you as I am would feel similarly. The anecdote about the open relationship gave me a sort of haunted feeling felt throughout the day, bolstered by my own memories of hurting people under the manipulation of this addiction.

It saddens me to read about the depths that your despair reached, and I wish that my younger self could've somehow been there for you with the knowledge that I have now, but I recognize and appreciate how beneficial it can be to be vocal about these things (to both the speaker and the listeners). Thank you for opening up like this, and for reminding us about how drastically our lives can improve [Jinx is an amazing person y'all, trust me] ❤️
 

Jinx2109

Member
Thank you so much for your supportive words! This has been really good for me to share but I also really hope it will help others, so it means so much that you've found it to be powerful and helpful with reflection. Things do get better! Believe in yourself and put in the work and just be willing to open yourself up to a joyful and full life, and it will be like living an entirely new life.

That was what was the most surprising to me when i started living without porn, i just had so much time and energy to focus on things that provided lasting satisfaction. It can be scary at first to feel like youre capable of so much good, and sometimes i just wanted to stay in a place where i could just hide and be selfish and punish myself for being an addict and living the way i did. But its a cage. It feels safe sometimes in there, safer than escaping and freedom, but you only see how much its hurting you once you can see the cage from the outside.
 

Jinx2109

Member
December 4th, 2013
My Journey to Peace

I have read recently that forgiveness is the key to happiness and peace. And so I am setting forth on a journey to explore the recesses of my soul and to determine any deeply buried pains that may be holding me back.

Bon voyage!

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
January 22, 2014
When it rains it pours. While this is especially true in Oregon I've never understood it better until now. My closest guy friend moved away this past year. My boyfriend broke up with me. My youth minister who has been that to me for almost seven years left to go to college again and my new closest guy friend whom I love so much won't have a romantic relationship with me, and is probably right in that decision. I'm also having a fight with my oldest friend and I'll be graduating and leaving the life that I know, and seeing my friends everyday, behind me.

Yet, I know all living and wild things need rain to grow.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
February 26th, 2014
My Journey to Peace
Have you ever experienced one of those epiphanous moments where suddenly something that has been tormenting you for years finally makes sense? Me neither. Just kidding. However, that was true until today. I always thought my high sexuality and lust was a sin and even though I felt as if it were naturally a part of who I am I tried to fight it. And failed. Which turned out to be a good thing because the guy that I "failed" with has been hurt in the past and used so he didn't think of intimacy and sexuality between two people as special. Now, he has told me that despite that I am proving to him that it can be special and that I always make the sexy things special. It is just amazing to me that after all these years of fighting something I felt God gave me yet the Bible says is a sin and it is actually helping someone heal. This epiphany has made me even more amazed by God and has made me want to be closer to our Lord. My life finally makes sense now, and I almost cried because I feel amazed and honored that God is using me in such a delicate way.

A letter to myself:
I forgive you for your lust, because now I realize it's being used to serve a greater purpose. Be careful, love.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
The high sexuality and lust thing is something I have been struggling with too. And still do. It's hard to see my sexuality as okay in a world where women (despite everything) still ought to be pure and saintlike and you are judged when you don't fit that description. I try to let go of that, but it can be pretty damn hard sometimes.
Exactly! It was a whole journey and mental reboot all on its own for me. Honestly a big part of these old journals of mine, and very much tied to porn. I had to completely rewire how i viewed and experienced anything sexual. The last thing that helped solidify that for me just this past year was a book called "wild feminine" by Tami Lynn Kent. A little woo-woo if youre not into a lot of self-exploration but Ive been reccomending it to all women since. Really helped me connect with my body in a healthy way.
 

Jinx2109

Member
July 17th, 2014
My Journey to Peace.
Losses from my father:
Because of my father's sexual addiction (porn, masturbation, intimacy avoidance) I've lost a two parent home. I haven't grown up with a father figure that I'd want as a role model for my own relationships.

Losses from my mother:
A mother who's even better than the one now. A happier mom.

Betrayal from my father:
  • When he called me a quitter.
  • Once, I was exposed to pornography. A look over his shoulder from across the room forced me to be the adult and tell mom.
  • Saying he was trying to access an intel website and a block came up, when I knew the block was only for a specific porn site. Also, how mad he got about it.
  • When he says he'll do stuff and doesn't. He can take on too much, can't say no.
Betrayal from my mother:
  • Often being compared to others, especially with my faults. I want to be recognized as my own person and not the residue of others especially when it comes to my faults.
  • Being thrown into my room, this only happened once.
Pains I've received from being the adult child of a sex addict:
  • Occasional heartless detachment, especially from those I'm closest to.
  • A general lack of trust and therefore loyalty.
  • Avoidance of intimacy and very close relationships (although not entirely Dad's fault, there were others.)
  • Also, my own struggles with porn and masturbation.

I love them, but I don't think I've forgiven them yet.
~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
Thank you for the recommendation! I have read some reviews though and it seems way too 'out there' for me personally. I guess I could do with a book that helps me to deal with my sexuality, but I doubt this is the right book for me. Perhaps I can look for an alternative or ask my therapist if he has something that's

Thank you for the recommendation! I have read some reviews though and it seems way too 'out there' for me personally. I guess I could do with a book that helps me to deal with my sexuality, but I doubt this is the right book for me. Perhaps I can look for an alternative or ask my therapist if he has something that's right for me.
Thats totally understandable and a great idea to ask your therapist. :) Definitely let me know if you find more good ones! And good luck ❤ i think my toughest lesson was learning to not let society dictate how i feel about myself.
 
Hey Jinx i just came across your posts and your journey. I have learned more about this addition from your excellent writing. I think you should write a book. I know you have helped many people on here with your views on porn and your insight to the Word is amazing!
I never viewed Paul's internal sin battle so clearly until you wrote how it was personal for you! How amazing that was to have a light come on for me like that!!
You have wisdom beyond your years and i thank you for sharing it with us!!

God is using you and I am hearing from Him through You!! Keep up the great battle! You are winning and I'm proud of you!!

Keep posting please. I look forward to reading and learning more from you!!
 
Top