Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change

[Jinx2109]

November 14th, 2020

Today is my 25th birthday. I am a quarter of a century old and I am just so happy and grateful to be alive, for all the personal growth I have accomplished this year. For the first time (I think) I am journaling before I start my day, in the past I have waited to see how the day went and journaled about the birthday celebrations. Not this year. This year...I am enough.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

January 17th, 2021

When my self-esteem is lacking I ask myself one question: Who am I comparing myself to? This is the inevitablility because we wouldn't know better. I'm not aging as well as... I don't look like... I wish this were smaller and that were bigger. How do we know but if not comparing ourselves to others? "What's wrong with that?" Some may say - or " I can't help that - everyone does it." Stop. Just stop.

If I was like them,
well I'd no longer be me.
If I am not me then whats the point in living?
I bring something new to the world
but if I brought 'you' instead
I'd be silenced
because you're already you.
Every scar, every crease, every feature
served or serves a function
that allowed and allows me to live -
my own unique me with so much to give.

If you want to spend your life trying to look like you haven't lived it, then truly you will not have lived it at all.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

January 21st, 2021

My christian girlfriends got me started on this 60 day devotional to "reveal my royal identity as a princess of God." There is something still in me that scoffs at the idea of being a "princess." Yet I view it as acres of progress that I got this book and am going through it. Day 10 and I'm starting to see how this may really change me and help my feminine side thrive.

It made many topics pass through my mind. Sex outside of marriage and being okay with that; this was such a huge step into my womanhood and though my study on it is in my Bible notes I feel a summary should go here as well. Another thought once again questions if I should even be in a relationship. Will my personality and dreams coexist with someone else? Will I just feel held back? I want to be loved. And God told me to be and every time I question this my thoughts go to Miss Fischer's Murder Mysteries. I always felt so connected to her. She loves. But she doesn't stay or keep people. She works and does so in a way that is play. I would love to be married but this journey through my feminity makes me wonder. This also got my thinking if my life (everyday responsibilites) fall to the wayside when I'm in a relationship? But no, my life was a mess before. It's me. Trying to break bad habits gain. I wonder why I can't stop sabotaging myself with all this mess. Feminine energy grows life - it is ssace, potential energy, beauty, working to allow life it's greatest opportunities. I have come so very far with sexuality, nudity, knowing my own boundaries. What is personal and what is moral worldwide. I feel clear on these matters now and it is a huge burden off my shoulders. Now I feel my biggest lesson may be in my boundaries with myself. It's not about rules. It's about self love.

Everything I do to care for myself and no-one else falls short. Exercise, food, cleaning for a happy space, journaling, even MOing becomes the T.V. dinner versions. Minimum effort, investment, and nourishment required. This all shoud be performed as though I am making love to myself. Fine cooking, clean and pretty home. Dating myself by getting to dive deeper into my thoughts and making time for the most romantic and sensual evenings. If I dont't feel I've fixed this by the end of this devotional I may have to design a process for making self-discipline into self-love. I also feel like God is calling me to something bigger- maybe in politics or leadership. But not yet. Right now I am oh so tired just trying to figure myself out and I know God knows that. But I think he is preparing me for the idea.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

February 6th, 2021

We must always be improving ourselves. I believe this is the key to truly loving yourself the way you are. And I believe that this can be applied to all facets of life, community, and human existence on this planet Earth or anywhere else we may end up.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

February 24th, 2021

I feel lonely. The irony is that I don't when I'm actually alone. I only feel lonely when I'm with someone, who makes me feel alone. But why does this keep happening? Are these men so fragile that they can't deal with lifes problems and a relationship or a serious relationship starting out? Or is it me? For once I'd like to be someones safehaven - the one they can run to for a reprieve from the war instead of the one they seem to run from. I feel in a way these apocalyptic type changes are sifting though men quicker. Let me be clear; since the lockdowns started I've dated three men. I love the man I'm with dearly but these situations created by our government is creating horrible conditions and for many; insurmountable odds. I can't blame the men really, I just feel like it may be getting more and more impossible to find a man who can fight with a woman by his side. I've been with three men since the lockdowns started: one very emotionally available, two that are not yet one in a very mature way and the other not. Yet all three... though I still have hope for the man I love now... seem to be ending the same way. I have these moments that feel like clarity, moments where I realize it really isn't worth it to keep looking for a spose. Like it's a waste of my time and Miss Fisher's way of life sounds realistic and good. Men keep wanting to take their time with a commitment long term but still want me to be their girlfriend so I'm all theirs and why do I let them? I'm a romantic sure... But why should I wall myself off with someone that hasn't proven over time that well... because honestly I have not gotten to know anyone worth marrying yet. I'm so conflicted because I feel I have so much love to give but am I mostly thinking sex? Or am I just horny right now because my boyfriends been MIA to focus on some important issues. Usually the answer is get closer to God and he'll lead you to where you need to go. It's just so frustrating to feel like the current societal situation makes it near- impossible to find good men.

~Jennifer

Or maybe our current societal sitiation is the only way to truly find a good man.

 

[Jinx2109]

April 23rd, 2021

We are all constantly creating ourselves whether we want to or not. I don't know how many peoples brains work like this but as a small child I felt like a completely blank slate. No personality just bland. I would cherry pick character traits and ways of speaking and mannerisms from people and characters I admired. Over the years I started becoming exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be. Now that I think of it I don't think I was actually a blank slate but I think I was just repressing my personality into nothing because I felt safer that way - I think the traits that I chose for myself are actually who I always have been it just took me a very long time to let them show. I am proud of who I've become but most of all of wanting to constantly keep creating and improving myself.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

May 20th, 2021
It's been close to a year now since I've had sex and it is getting more difficult. But I have matured because its not enough to make me want to have casual sex or even to rush into a relationship. I want genuine long-term connection. I think at this point I am genuinely looking for a husband. I don't want to waste my time and I really have none to waste. For now I continue figuring out how date, pleasure, and make time for myself. I've been really good at taking Sundays off. But I have a long way to go with the rest of my schedule goals. Fixing my sleep, creative time, exercise, etc. But tonight I did yoga and am journaling so that's a step in the right direction.

~Jennifer

*Note from present day me: Honestly, a big part of my recovery from P was learning how to MO without P. Reconnecting with my body instead of just abusing it and my brain at the same time. I do think that with any type of sexual dysfunction it is important to go through complete withdrawals of everything to reboot as is the main theme for this site. This is something I struggled with later. Not necessarily physically but emotionally I was not able to handle rejection from my partner at all. Because of P, I learned to equate love and sex. It was a very difficult lesson, but more on that later.

Also thank you to anyone reading. Sharing my story on here has helped immensely with my mental health and my recovery. You keep me accountable. All the best to you and your recovery.

 

[Jinx2109]

May 28th, 2021
Trust can be broken, love can break you, and heartbreak can kill you.
In my experience the only thing in this world that never dies is kindness.
This is why I try to sow seeds of kindness with every interaction. This is why I believe with all my heart that a kind word should never go unspoken. We never know if we have tomorrow, we never know if they have tomorrow, we never know if what we say can change either of those.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

June 1st, 2021
If I could leave behind one thing in this world when I die it would be a legacy of love I hope. So my crusade for love continues... real love. I believe in this cause with all of my heart because I believe that real love is worth fighting for because of its ability to change people. To make people and our world better. I don't think that kind of love is possible in the company of pornography which is why I make such an effort to inform people on the effects of pornography. My life has been filled with so much more love wihtout it and I just want that for everyone else too.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

June 4th, 2021
Another hodge podge of ideas...

I'd been getting to know a couple of guys. They both happen to look similar to the man I dreamt of almost a year ago now. But one I thought really liked me... but he has a girlfriend now. It hurt a *lot*. I felt so much chemistry with him. But that infatuation was making me lose a lot of appreciation for the other one. One who has actually been making an effort to have meaningful and personal connections. As well as spending time with me. But now that my heart has released that a bit and had time to heal I started recognizing all the wonderful qualities in this man. It really made me question why I do this to myself? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I avoiding something real that takes more time and effort but could actually last? Regardless, now that my heart is ready to move on I got all excited and am worried I could move too quickly. I was just reminded of all the times this has happened and then the man disappears. It's not a matter of rules about how many dates before the first kiss, spending the night? It's not about being "too easy." I was reminded of what a dating coach online said, " It needs to be a challenge for him only because he feels he needs to earn it. If he earns it it feels like it's something worth keeping."

He's really good at asking questions. And I love answering them. I don't feel like I'm narcissistic or something special. But I do work really hard to be someone who makes a difference in this world because my biggest fear is dying without leaving behind a world that is better off with my fingerprints on it.

I've been working on myself. My body, my health, my mind, my habits, my environment. I've been working my booty off on my youtube channels and snstagram. I've been taking sundays off for rest and separation from the internet or at least social media hustle. My heart can still be broken, can still heal, and I can feel passion for someone I just have to remember not to make it too easy. Not because it's some game, but because I need to constantly be reminding myself that I'm worth fighting for and I need to know that he will.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

June 8th, 2021

Perhaps love will find me when I meet him only halfway.

In the book I'm reading it just said that security is "your sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem, your basic personal strength or lack of it." Knowing from another exrcise that security is the most imprtant thing to me in my life/relationships it got me thinking: these are all things that are my peresonal responsibilty to cultivate within myself. So maybe it's not about finding someone who makes me feel secure in the relationship but rather someone who doesnt challenge my own sense of self-security.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

July 6th, 2021
I had a major revelation today. I spent hours reflecting and answering questions from a self-help book - walking around outside or sitting in the sun letting my thoughts evolve until I had answers to the most difficult questons. Why do I hate monotony? Why do I self-sabotage my own security and happiness?

I don't.

At least, those are not the reasons. The reason is that I was made to fight. But I have nothing to fight, so I direct that energy inward and sabotage to create struggle and fight with myself. However, this helps no-one. I need to find somewhere to fight for a good cause. To help people and this world.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

August 22nd, 2021
I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster as of late. So in love. So loved. So vulnerable and seen. So scared of having my walls down. Picking a painful fight to create a reason to put them up again, a lot of self-reflection and an apology. A huge step forward in telling my story and my fight against pornography. Incredible sex, the perseid meteor shower, cuddling naked for warmth, bad jokes and laughter ringing through the valley. The wonderful meeting of his friends, an impromptu dip in the lake and hackey sack. Back to unreality. The p.c. culture. The all-knowing internet. Feeling like the world is happy to distract themselves with arguments and vanity. Losing hope. Breaking down. Letting him in. Breaking free. For the weekend. The world sucks. A lot. But life doesn't suck. Life is good. And there is a lot of it to be lived and a lot being lived on this planet right now.

I've taken the whole weeked on "airplane mode." No social media, no youtube. I got dreams done. I enjoyed life. I made dinner. Good dinner. Tomorrow is the last day. Sunday. My day of rest, worship, and reflection. I think I need to live more in the world and less... whatever the hell this is. I want life to have more meaning and connection. I need a radical change, at least radical for this time. The world is at war. Although I'd fight to destroy evil all we're enemies of is eachother. If I don't change how I'm living I'll get sucked into a battle that will only destroy the people I want to help and it will destroy me, and my chance at love. Warrior Jenny is not to be reckoned with. I am grateful for her and pulling on her courage when I need it. But she is not someone to be called upon frequently. She can scare me sometimes. I pray she will never have to take over my main personality. So for now, I must learn to truly live before I lose myself to her or hopelessness.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

August 22nd, 2021

I didn't realize how late I was up for last nights journal or rather this mornings journal. A sleep amd my day of rest later and I'm ready to decide what changes need to be made. I just wanted to say: it's social media; it's the fast food of social interaction. Empty emotional calories. But it's not just social media. It's humans. It's the human race accepting this new norm of human connection that disconnects us. I'm done with it. I'll happily use it for work, for messaging people directly. I'm done with the political memes. I'm done with volunteering my time for people I don't actually talk to in a year. I'm ready for change. For quality time with people I love and who love me. And I'm also ready for my work to feel like a bigger and better part of my life. Life.
I'm ready for you again, bring it in. I'm ready to make love with life, and make eye contact the whole time.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

September 26th, 2021

I feel like I'm drowning, trapped in these waters that are not my own,
This is not my home.
Home is where freedom is.
I can't do this anymore, I need out.
I'm not a referee, a psychologist, or a lonely left brain
I didn't know I'd need these prerequisites to be a daughter.
Wasting away in moments of toxicity
Can't be fixed with moments of delusional ignorant bliss.
We can't connect even with laughs and smiles when the frowns are met with cold avoidance.
I'm drowning
And the surface tension is iced over.

I know what a healthy life and relationship feels like now. Ten blissful days of wonder away from this mess. My pains and infections returned... I didn't notice they'd gone...
I was living there,
I'm just dying here.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

November 2nd, 2021

When two people who feel very strongly about something disagree; why do we feel the urge to convince them of our perspective? I think in more evolved minds its not as much about convincing the opposing party that they should have the same beliefs as you but more about making sure your perspective is uunderstood. Our perspectives; our conclusions on how things can be made better. And we need all of those personality traits. The ones who coldly analyze, the ones who care but are passive, the ones who are hard and want to fight. We need all of them and everyone in between. It's OK for me to get upset about the ones who don't care. But it's unfair of me to be upset with those who do care but have a different way of helping the issue.
I can get so upset with people for not being as passionate as I am to fix issues in this world. But then I thought about the people in the Bible. People who did great things. People of all sorts. Blessed are the meek. Armor yourself with salvation, righteousness, truth, the Spirit, faith, peace. It is good to keep to yourself. It is good to help those in need. Do not stand idly while your neighbors blood is being shed. There are messages, callings, and examples for all of us in the Bible. And we, each in our own way, can be used for great things. So I must learn to love and accept these differences with grace.

~Jennifer

 

[Jinx2109]

November 8th, 2021

There's all this advice on how to be a great woman. How to find yourself. You don't find yourself, you create yourself! You can be anyone you want. Just be yourself. I've said, "I don't believe in the stereotypes." Great women can be strong, can be harsh, can be meek, can be sexy, can be passive. So what defines being a woman? What is that feminine energy?
I've said that I think that a woman is someone who makes a place feel like home and people feel like family. Feminine energy is victory through patience, a force that guides in the dark. There is feminine power in mystery, intrigue. Periods of attachment and separation, moments of stealing the show and moments of quiet and withdraw. Being a woman is about flow and the beauty of change. Something that dare I generalize only women are unafraid of. The thing we fear most is stagnation. Which is why we are more prone to unhappiness. To truly know something is to know it's good traits and it's flaws.
So who am I really? Do I just let go of all this overthinking? Connect with my inner child? I finished writing my personal mission statement a while ago but today I have been struggling so much I just want to burn it. I want to burn it all down. I just want to disappear and live my life. And I just want to do what's right.
My birthday is in six days, my father has gotten worse very quickly and this may be my last birthday and holidays with him. He's been choosing to kill himself everyday of my life. I've been preparing for this since I was four. But my fear is that these stressors on my family and I will destroy this opportunity I've worked so hard for and I will get stuck in this stagnation. I feel the fury of a hurricane and the need to disappear like a new moon.
I think now that in one week I have lived 26 years of life, and I have spent enough time creating myself and obsessing over who I want to be, i need to tune into myself in small moments and big moments and learn to feel, who I am and what I want in that moment. Maybe I've already created her. The woman I've always wanted to be. I have put a lot of work into her. Into me. Now I think it's time to really feel her and trust her. What do I need right now? And I need to ask this question when she feels afraid, stifled by stagnation. I am not perfect. Perfection is unattainable and overrated. But she is great. And I am her. I have arrived. This is what I've always wanted.
I love myself.
I thirst for greatness.
Not perfection.
I hunger for desire.
I seek God for his strength when I fail to carry enough.
I trust myself.
To my inner child:
You finally made it and she is more magnificent than you could ever imagine!
Lots of love,

~Jennifer