Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change

Jinx2109

Member
Hey Jinx i just came across your posts and your journey. I have learned more about this addition from your excellent writing. I think you should write a book. I know you have helped many people on here with your views on porn and your insight to the Word is amazing!
I never viewed Paul's internal sin battle so clearly until you wrote how it was personal for you! How amazing that was to have a light come on for me like that!!
You have wisdom beyond your years and i thank you for sharing it with us!!

God is using you and I am hearing from Him through You!! Keep up the great battle! You are winning and I'm proud of you!!

Keep posting please. I look forward to reading and learning more from you!!
Wow! Thank you so very much, this was super encouraging to read. I really appreciate that you took the time to write that to me and I think God must be speaking through you to me as well! I've been thinking recently about turning these journals and my experience into a book lately and also feeling called to just let God use me. So what you said felt very well timed and confirming.

The beautiful thing about this site is it's helpful for both the readers and the writers! I feel blessed and grateful my good friend got me on this site. Im very glad you're relating to and feeling inspired by my words and I truly do wish I can continue to help you and others on here. I know it's helped me a lot to share as well. :)
 

Jinx2109

Member
April 8th, 2015
As life starts losing its glamour, and the world stops teeming with wonder. I lose motivation. They say it's just a part of growing up, that life eventually becomes monotonous. It drags me into a funk sometimes, and not the good kind. But while I love my man, I will not wait around for him to make my life wonderful again. I've tried opening my eyes, I've tried using my imagination, and even spending more time with friends. Work, and soon college, will try to take over everything there is to define my life. But I can't let it. I need to open my heart and experience the world that is within myself, and create my own wonder.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
May 22nd, 2016
After an incredibly emotionally difficult year of my life I've realized I've been living it all wrong. At least with my thoughts. who am I to think that I can take happiness from being with someone? When there are people, children, out there who need so much more than I. I don't belong here. I need to leave. I need to get out of my own world and help those people and children who need it. I'm feeling a call to be heterotelic, to go and travel, to use my skills to glorify God by spreading the care and compassion that he has shown me. I've never felt called for something before and I always thought that God wouldn't want me to go out into the world bevause there is so much that can be done here. Now it's the complete opposite and I think it's because the timing is right for me to prepare for the life I feel God is leading me toward. I am terrified. I think that's why He wants me to do this.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
January 10th, 2017
And then I fell in love...

When you have the freedom to choose how you spend your time,
and you choose to spend it with them.
When your life and your future is in your hands,
and you choose to put it in theirs.
When the first kiss was as playful and sweet as I am...
and even more passionate.
When I gave the last and most intimate
part of myself because I knew
that he would be the last and only.
When I stopped being so objective in
my relationships because I knew it was time to invest.
I knew then, that I was really,
truly, and finally in love.

~Jennifer

Note from present day Jennifer: It does not escape my attention this pattern of feeling like I made progress or had an epiphany about what I should be doing only to be derailed by romance shortly after. Some call it Disney-syndrome, I feel overall in our society, at least in my experience, there isn't much to show people how relationships should actually work. From Disney princesses falling in love in a day (or less), to hallmark movies and romance novels, to porn making it seem like it's all about sex, to society saying we should follow our whims and desires, to the divorce rate, to unhappy and disrespectful couples, to affairs, etc. it's no wonder it seems to be getting more and more difficult to cultivate a healthy relationship long term.

It also does not escape my notice that these journals are actually back to back in the original journal. Previously I have skipped some journals that have nothig to do wiith my addiction and relationship troubles. But these, SEVEN months apart, stands out to me. Finally feeling like I am in a healthy relationship now at the age of 26, I can say that before now I had tried for years to balance taking care of myself and developing my character and healing my baggage only to often fail. I didn't even make time to journal for seven months. And you'll see how quickly things fell apart in the next journal. What does all of this have to do with a porn addiction? There have been studies and findings that porn can decrease our ability to empathize, I have definitely found this to be true. I am normally an incredibly empathetic person but in a previous journal I think I showed how quickly I was willing to hurt someone for a sexual foray. I wonder then, looking at my history, if porn has also taught me to give up everything for a man. Since women in a lot of porn seem to have no autonomy whatsoever, or at least sex, or maybe a free plumbing service or pizza delivery is worth more.

Ironically I also almost gave up my faith to be with the man talked about in this journal as well. When faced with an ultimatum of converting to his faith or breaking up, tormented I agreed to convert. Until that night came and in bed, in the absolute dark, faced with nothing but my own thoughts I realized I couldn't do it. The irony being I almost gave up my faith because my church had taught me that having sex with more than one person was especially wrong. Now that I had given my virginity, it almost felt like I had no choice and I wanted to be with him. Thank God my anger at the loss of freedom won out over the ultimatum, and at the time, I chose to keep my faith... as a sinner.
 

Jinx2109

Member
Well, I guess I'm struggling with something similar. My previous relationship was pretty BDSM-like. I have done things for my ex-BF which, looking back, went way too far. Since reading up on porn and the way it affects someones life I have been wondering what role porn has played in all of this. I know I am submissive by nature, but have I become who I am because of porn or is it just who I am? For 90% I am happy with who I have become, but part of me wonders if this is really who I am. I'm not sure if I should be okay with myself if I have become who I am due to porn. Of course social views don't help there. Most of my female friends are modern women with modern feminist views. I know quite a few of them didn't agree with my role in that relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to be okay with who I am.
Wow, MissDark, thank you for sharing that! You said it in such a real and relateable way, it really speaks to me. I went through a similar thing in the general sense of not knowing what my actual preferences were. The scariest thing i've realized is the average age for porn first seen is 11 years old, around the age of or before puberty really starts. This means that as we're just starting to develop as a sexual being the majority are doing that under the influence of porn. So personally, I think that the average person really has no idea what theyre really "into" outside of the influences of porn. It took me years free from it to feel like I really know who I am.

I feel like you also touched on so many diffrent good points here I could chat with you forever about it haha. But I think that you should always love yourself, it's ok to want to improve things and love yourself at the same time. And everyone is different, some women or men naturally can take on a more submissive or nurturing role. I don't think its really fair for anyone to tell you that your relationship should look different, but I do really believe in equal partnership and everyones needs should be getting met, though that can look different for everyone. How far away from porn are you?
 

Jinx2109

Member
January 18th, 2017

The stages of grief have never really applied to me. I don't seem to deny a loss at least. However when I'm strugglig emotionally I tend to go into survival mode.

I am hurting.

I want to just cry and feel some relief but I can't, and it's not because I'm angry because I'm not. It's because I don't feel safe enough to cry. If someone else is with me and they're hurting me, I remain strong to protect myself. If I am with someone else who is hurting with me, I remain strong to protect us both. For some reason, this time, not even being alone can make me feel safe enough to cry.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
October 6th 2012
There are really no words to describe what I'm feeling or what's been going on lately. However may I just say, kissing is weird.. I had my 1st kiss on Friday the 5th of October, and it was great, but strange. I'm fairly sure that I've built up my "1st kiss" in my mind since a young age and as important or life changing as it may be I don't think it means as much as your last. Anyways, back to its weirdness… it's the strangest thing to be in the liplock with someone, you really have to let down your guard at which I am not good. I did for a while and everything was comfortable even though my heart was beating faster and my body started tingling. The major thing is that with this certain man I'm not so nervous, everything feels so much more natural. I think that's the most important thing. Despite that when I'm with him, everything is hazy.
~Jennifer
I just noticed a journal after this one that I missed, and I think it's quite important. So here it is though I apologize for the non-linear time traveling:

October 17th, 2012

I came so close, to losing something that I never chose to have. A gift I've had my whole life. I can't explain why I was willing to go so far with someone who commented and complimented more on my rear than me as a whole. It seems guys can be obsessed with a woman's certain body parts. Butt guys, boob guys, I'd rather have a me guy. Setting boundaries, that's what I'm working on, we'll see if he still "loves me."

~Jennnifer
 

Schmuck

Active Member
Butt guys, boob guys, I'd rather have a me guy. Setting boundaries, that's what I'm working on, we'll see if he still "loves me."

~Jennnifer
I like the way that you worded this, 2012 Jenny.
A decade later, and there are still many men and boys who need to hear these types of statements and refine their priorities and behaviors, for the good of both sexes
 

Jinx2109

Member
September 26th, 2017

Yesterday I experienced a huge reminder to practice faith. Practice. It's not just a belief or thought, it is an action to truly have faith. I was recovering from a weekend of food poisening and facing a work day that unexpectedly became quite full. The entire day I was unsure if I'd be able to make it through, and at the worst times, when I thought I would have to call and cancel my clients. I prayed. Not to feel better. I prayed and repeated, "You are my strength, Father. You will see me through." I repeated that until I could move again and I was amazed. When my clients came to their appointments, I made it through. I was exhausted at the end of the night and perhaps it would have been better to take the night off. However, my Father saw me through something that I kept thinking would be impossible. A true reminder that our strength should come from Him. Not to just pray for what we want, but to show Him we have faith in His promises.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
February 7th, 2018

"Don't complain about things you're not willing to change." -Unknown
Such wise words. We tend, and I tend, to get caught up in these ultimately bad habits and feel like it's just something I have to deal with in this world. But that is so far from the truth. If something is inconvenient, distracting from higher priorities, ad causing myself to become lax in other more productive or satisfying activities; then change it if you have the power to do so. Even if you technically don't have that power, you can always make improvements. Always. For example: My online bookmarks & e-mails. I love "windows" shopping, or window shopping online. I have tons of bookmarks & recieve dozens of e-mails a day. But I only spend a small fraction actually accomplishing those do-it-yourselfs, and making those recipes. I have a huge wishlist yet am missing some essentials. So I've unsubscribed from a lot of e-mails, doing it a little at a timeand depending on my priorities. Those feel-good, self-reflective and motivational e-mails? I'm feeling all those things even when I don't read them. Unsubscribe. Those endless delicious recipes? I've got plenty saved & only a handfulI've tried, if I need something else I'll look for it specifically instead of expecting it to be delivered to my palm. Unsubscribe. Those specialty shops with clothes, accessories, and house wares I pine after so much of a day? When I specifically need or want something I'll go look for it on the website. Unsubscribe. What I'm keeping so far: deals and sales. That way if I already have something in mind I'll know if I can get it discounted.

"God grant me the... courage to change the things I can." ~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

I'm looking forward to feeling like I have more time in a day...no, to using my time more wisely. To feel more satisfied & productive.
~Jennifer
 

Schmuck

Active Member
November 14th, '18

Today is my 23rd birthday. I vow to persuade the most out of life this year.

~Jennifer
Thanks for knowingly giving me a 15-day head start to read this and internalize it for my own life Jen 😄
I basically wrote the same thing in my own journal right before I turned 22, and I could say that I failed, but there have been some victories in this year of mine that should be acknowledged.
Congrats on everything that you've accomplished in your age of 26, and good luck with 27! I believe in you 🫂
 

Jinx2109

Member
Thanks for knowingly giving me a 15-day head start to read this and internalize it for my own life Jen 😄
I basically wrote the same thing in my own journal right before I turned 22, and I could say that I failed, but there have been some victories in this year of mine that should be acknowledged.
Congrats on everything that you've accomplished in your age of 26, and good luck with 27! I believe in you 🫂
You should be proud of your victories this year!! ^_^ Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I believe in you too!! <3
 

Jinx2109

Member
November 30th, 2018

Ruinous construction.
I must tear my life apart in all facets and rebuild it anew. My purity and spirit have been molded by others and I have strayed from my best self.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Member
February 19th, 2019

A few things I learned last year:
1. Every purchase we make is an investment into the world we will come to live in.
2. Self-care is both luxury and necessity.
3. Fear emerges from the unknown.
4. Life is about interruptions. You don't typically get joy from everything going as planned or as it does everyday. Joy comes in those moments that run in and out of your life. When we choose to leave monotony and comfort behind to embrace a new experience.

~Jennifer
 
Top