Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change
- Thread starter Jinx2109
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Jinx2109
Active Member
1000%. It would take me a little bit to figure this out, but overall I had to completely reboot my brain on my perception of women and their bodies and that included my own. Sometimes I still struggle but it took years and a lot of hard work to get to a healthy understanding. A shocking journey to realize how much porn had effected my views and experience without me realizing it.
Also Androg thank you for your support, curiosity, and sympathy as I share my story. I really appreciate it!
Jinx2109
Active Member
June 23rd, 2020
~Childhood~
My synchronized swimming team fell apart as I was beginning pre-pubesence. I could have continued the sport and found another team, but I was always more of a solo act anyway and I never told anyone this but I was absolutely horrified to continue as my body went through these changes. When you're out there in front of the close scrutiny of dozens as your nipples start showing and pubic hair starts growing...as a competitor I loved that scrutiny but as a girl who was maturing I hated it. I didnt want any of that attention. I felt when I started on this path that there was a whole wake of responsibility hat created so much anxiety in me. I just realized that instead of feeling like a flower opening to the world I felt like a cage was forming around me. I know this realization is true because I'm crying now. I feel more comfortable with my masculinity because it feels safer but my femininity feels vulnerable and weak. But even more than that it feels like a burdensome responsibility that was enforced by shame.
~Jennifer
~Childhood~
My synchronized swimming team fell apart as I was beginning pre-pubesence. I could have continued the sport and found another team, but I was always more of a solo act anyway and I never told anyone this but I was absolutely horrified to continue as my body went through these changes. When you're out there in front of the close scrutiny of dozens as your nipples start showing and pubic hair starts growing...as a competitor I loved that scrutiny but as a girl who was maturing I hated it. I didnt want any of that attention. I felt when I started on this path that there was a whole wake of responsibility hat created so much anxiety in me. I just realized that instead of feeling like a flower opening to the world I felt like a cage was forming around me. I know this realization is true because I'm crying now. I feel more comfortable with my masculinity because it feels safer but my femininity feels vulnerable and weak. But even more than that it feels like a burdensome responsibility that was enforced by shame.
~Jennifer
Jinx2109
Active Member
Thanks for the sympathy! I feel every generation has its troubles for sure.
Jinx2109
Active Member
July 24th, 2020
~Puberty~
I told my mom that my chest really hurt and she told me a story of that happening to her too and how she got hit in the chest with a ball and how badly that hurt. Then she gave me a book to read about my 'changing body.' I was happy and so excited to finally be growing up and turning into a woman. I was excited for the body, to get curves, and to be desirable. I grew up on all the Disney movies and even female action stars like Lara Croft. I was ready to be sexy and womanly. It was around this time that I was exposed to pornography. It was so shocking, seeing it over my father's shoulder in broad daylight, I felt unsafe all of a sudden. I coud describe that picture in excruciating detail... but I won't because I fight so hard to keep it out of my head.
If my own father could look at a woman like that that wasn't his wife how did he see me? How did anyone see me? Was what I saw really what men wanted from women? Was that what I would have to become? I always knew I wanted to be 'everything.' Smart, strong, bold, humble, kind, assertive, nurturing, a badass, mother, business woman, charitable, completely honest, a handy woman, beautiful, confident, sexy, and wise beyond my years. But was this something new to add to the list? A lady on the surface and a tramp under the sheets?
I have always been obsessed with creating myself because I have known for a very long time that you can be whoever you choose to be. But then how come I'm never happy? It could be my environment, yes. I think I was happier when I was away at college. But I'm not sure it accounts for this emptiness inside me like something is missing. There's a puzzle piece I've never quite been able to find. I think what it is is with all my over-thinking I have no idea what it is to be a woman. Does that definition even exist? I don't really believe in stereotypes but I do generally believe that God made men and women with different strengths. But he also made each of us individually with different strengths. So what does it mean to be a woman? I just realized that this will probably take a long time to figure out and I have neglected many journal entries in this process already so it is time for this entry to end. ... It seems this journal will hold a different kind of sexual awakening than I was expecting.
~Jennifer
~Puberty~
I told my mom that my chest really hurt and she told me a story of that happening to her too and how she got hit in the chest with a ball and how badly that hurt. Then she gave me a book to read about my 'changing body.' I was happy and so excited to finally be growing up and turning into a woman. I was excited for the body, to get curves, and to be desirable. I grew up on all the Disney movies and even female action stars like Lara Croft. I was ready to be sexy and womanly. It was around this time that I was exposed to pornography. It was so shocking, seeing it over my father's shoulder in broad daylight, I felt unsafe all of a sudden. I coud describe that picture in excruciating detail... but I won't because I fight so hard to keep it out of my head.
If my own father could look at a woman like that that wasn't his wife how did he see me? How did anyone see me? Was what I saw really what men wanted from women? Was that what I would have to become? I always knew I wanted to be 'everything.' Smart, strong, bold, humble, kind, assertive, nurturing, a badass, mother, business woman, charitable, completely honest, a handy woman, beautiful, confident, sexy, and wise beyond my years. But was this something new to add to the list? A lady on the surface and a tramp under the sheets?
I have always been obsessed with creating myself because I have known for a very long time that you can be whoever you choose to be. But then how come I'm never happy? It could be my environment, yes. I think I was happier when I was away at college. But I'm not sure it accounts for this emptiness inside me like something is missing. There's a puzzle piece I've never quite been able to find. I think what it is is with all my over-thinking I have no idea what it is to be a woman. Does that definition even exist? I don't really believe in stereotypes but I do generally believe that God made men and women with different strengths. But he also made each of us individually with different strengths. So what does it mean to be a woman? I just realized that this will probably take a long time to figure out and I have neglected many journal entries in this process already so it is time for this entry to end. ... It seems this journal will hold a different kind of sexual awakening than I was expecting.
~Jennifer
Jinx2109
Active Member
September 25th, 2020
Strategy. Does it have any place in romantic endeavors? I don't mean childish games like not messaging back right away to make them think you "have a life." Good grief. Have a life and message them when you can. No, I'm talking about real strategy. Do I want a man whom I can sleep with early-on and after he's gotten that stays around and puts in the effort because they realize sex is not the end goal? Or do I want a man who will wait for sex and build intimacy with me first? Or does strategy have no place in love and honesty will be what prevails. More than honesty; transparency. As with so many things I think the answer must be somewhere in the middle.
A dating coach of this decade has said that you should wait to have sex with someone until after you've formed that special bond with them. I'm going to say after this last time that that bond cannot truly be formed over the internet. So the answer may be that you form a bond over time and then after that when the moment feels right... I find it is so difficult to know if the bond is real. Or just a charade. Maybe my instincts should be better. Maye I need to pray through the entire relationship more... and the more time spent with them the more I spend with God so I can still hear his voice in my life.
I don't care what people think of me. I don't need anyone to feel I'm loved. But I just really want to be completely understood and known by one person for once in my life. I feel to constantly be misunderstood makes me feel that I am never enough. And that's all I've ever wanted to be. Enough. For this world, my family, friends, myself. A spouse. Just once I'd like to be able to stop and breathe and feel that I am enough. Because I don't think I believe this bull about you "being perfect just the way you are," "that you are enough" the way you are. For someone like myself who believes that there is always room for improvement...how can anything ever be enough?
But I'm also not a hard-to-please person so now I'm just genuinely confused about how I even exist.
~Jennifer
Strategy. Does it have any place in romantic endeavors? I don't mean childish games like not messaging back right away to make them think you "have a life." Good grief. Have a life and message them when you can. No, I'm talking about real strategy. Do I want a man whom I can sleep with early-on and after he's gotten that stays around and puts in the effort because they realize sex is not the end goal? Or do I want a man who will wait for sex and build intimacy with me first? Or does strategy have no place in love and honesty will be what prevails. More than honesty; transparency. As with so many things I think the answer must be somewhere in the middle.
A dating coach of this decade has said that you should wait to have sex with someone until after you've formed that special bond with them. I'm going to say after this last time that that bond cannot truly be formed over the internet. So the answer may be that you form a bond over time and then after that when the moment feels right... I find it is so difficult to know if the bond is real. Or just a charade. Maybe my instincts should be better. Maye I need to pray through the entire relationship more... and the more time spent with them the more I spend with God so I can still hear his voice in my life.
I don't care what people think of me. I don't need anyone to feel I'm loved. But I just really want to be completely understood and known by one person for once in my life. I feel to constantly be misunderstood makes me feel that I am never enough. And that's all I've ever wanted to be. Enough. For this world, my family, friends, myself. A spouse. Just once I'd like to be able to stop and breathe and feel that I am enough. Because I don't think I believe this bull about you "being perfect just the way you are," "that you are enough" the way you are. For someone like myself who believes that there is always room for improvement...how can anything ever be enough?
But I'm also not a hard-to-please person so now I'm just genuinely confused about how I even exist.
~Jennifer
You are right that you need to meet in person. But that does not mean you have to have sex right away.
Have you read Louise Perry's new book? "The Case Against the Sexual Revolution?" Remember, as much as we all want sex, a partner who can't say "no" sets off warning bells. The presumption is that s/he won't know how to say "no" to any future interlopers either.
Have you read Louise Perry's new book? "The Case Against the Sexual Revolution?" Remember, as much as we all want sex, a partner who can't say "no" sets off warning bells. The presumption is that s/he won't know how to say "no" to any future interlopers either.
Jinx2109
Active Member
I hadnt heard of it! Definitely sounds like something I'd be interested in reading though, thank you!
Jinx2109
Active Member
October 7th, 2023
So my daily devotional, which has become very undaily lately, asked me to explain why servants resist stubborness. I interpret that to mean that servants do not embrace the arrogance that creates ignorance to others' needs as well as leading to their downfall. And because my brain never stops I was also thinking about how I should share my YouTube channels with my facebook so that friends and family can support me if they're interested. My thought was maybe I should wait till I have stores up online and officially announce my new career. But then I noticed this pattern I have of only admitting vulnerablility and struggle after the solution or at least the plan for the solution. Is this stubborness or arrogance? After pondering this for a bit I've concluded that it is simply that I don't want people to waste their time giving me advice. Why is it a waste? I sometimes joke that I'm too stbborn to listen but up until now I actually believed it too.
However, I don't think it's stubborness at all. I think it's because I know myself. I'm a kinetic learner so sadly I don't understand something unless I do it myself. If someone tells me, it doesn't sink in. If they show me it doesn't sink in. I have to feel, observe, and conclude things to understand and retain them for myself. Now I am starting to learn to ask for help and guidance and have always just had trouble discerning which things I can learn from others and which I must learn for myself. For example: big life decisions are a self-learned thing for me. Asking for directions in a grocery store: I've been doing that since childhood no problem. Maybe not all of my personality "problems" are not all problems afterall.
Except that sentence which is the worst one I've ever written so I hope you get what I meant.
~Jennifer
So my daily devotional, which has become very undaily lately, asked me to explain why servants resist stubborness. I interpret that to mean that servants do not embrace the arrogance that creates ignorance to others' needs as well as leading to their downfall. And because my brain never stops I was also thinking about how I should share my YouTube channels with my facebook so that friends and family can support me if they're interested. My thought was maybe I should wait till I have stores up online and officially announce my new career. But then I noticed this pattern I have of only admitting vulnerablility and struggle after the solution or at least the plan for the solution. Is this stubborness or arrogance? After pondering this for a bit I've concluded that it is simply that I don't want people to waste their time giving me advice. Why is it a waste? I sometimes joke that I'm too stbborn to listen but up until now I actually believed it too.
However, I don't think it's stubborness at all. I think it's because I know myself. I'm a kinetic learner so sadly I don't understand something unless I do it myself. If someone tells me, it doesn't sink in. If they show me it doesn't sink in. I have to feel, observe, and conclude things to understand and retain them for myself. Now I am starting to learn to ask for help and guidance and have always just had trouble discerning which things I can learn from others and which I must learn for myself. For example: big life decisions are a self-learned thing for me. Asking for directions in a grocery store: I've been doing that since childhood no problem. Maybe not all of my personality "problems" are not all problems afterall.
Except that sentence which is the worst one I've ever written so I hope you get what I meant.
~Jennifer
Experience is a sound teacher. That doesn't mean you can't listen to others, but always keep in mind that human egos are not necessarily dependable 100% of the time, no matter how well-intentioned. Do you do any inner listening? Sometimes getting quiet and asking can produce insights...without having to learn everything the hard way via experience.
Jinx2109
Active Member
I have more recently become attuned to myself and inner thoughts, always working on it! And working on building community as well though I still have that traumatized part in me that wants to keep to myself. Slowly working through it.Experience is a sound teacher. That doesn't mean you can't listen to others, but always keep in mind that human egos are not necessarily dependable 100% of the time, no matter how well-intentioned. Do you do any inner listening? Sometimes getting quiet and asking can produce insights...without having to learn everything the hard way via experience.
Great video btw!! Just a **trigger** warning though to anyone, some images could be tempting.
Jinx2109
Active Member
October 11th, 2020
So I've been on Instagram for over a year now. A social online platform that I avoided for years and swore I'd never become a part of it. When I first joined my boyfriend at the time he asked one last favor of me... to never post pictures of me in my underwear...lingerie is common there it's true but I told him I'd never be the kind of person to do that. I post my normal things; cute outfits, products I love, selfies of cool makeup, cosplays, my adorable cats and maybe a quote here or there. Sometimes on my selfies and outfit pics... okay flatteringly often... I'll get collaboration offers from clothing companies that want me to buy (at a discount) and wear their clothing and be an ambassador for them, sponsoring their company.
I've known sponsors are a big part of the youtube community for years and have been promising to myself for just as long that I would only work with companies that I truly want to support because they give back to this planet and/or the people on it in some way. Everytime I'd look at the websites of these brands that wanted to work with me I would look for the fabric contents, information on where or how they were made, and a mission statement or 'about' section. All I would find is rediculously overpriced, horribly cheaply made clothing with no intentions of helping anyone or anything on this planet besides themselves. Once I found a mission statement but all it said was "helping people find their unique style." Dumbass.
So when I was contacted by a company that specializes in underwear focused on quality and comfort and was mostly cotton(organic cotton would be better I'll admit) I was not immediately disgusted or disappointed like I usually am. What's more is I found that for every order they donate a pair of much needed underwear to shelters and projects like that for women that need them. At that point I got excited. They're doing *something* good! So I messaged them back and we talked... they said they'd be happy to work with me and what that entails which was exactly what I thought it would be. You take a picture in their product and I had thought of some vague ways to take a tasteful underwear shot that wouldn't be sexualized. I had done the research, looking up the project they donate to and seeing if this company is a top listed donor and it was! Claims confirmed and this was a company I was happy to work with! I finished writing that in my reply to them and that I was happy to work with a business that gives back to their community when it hit me... this is it. The moment I put a picture of myself in my undies, sexy undies, on the internet.
To be continued...
So I've been on Instagram for over a year now. A social online platform that I avoided for years and swore I'd never become a part of it. When I first joined my boyfriend at the time he asked one last favor of me... to never post pictures of me in my underwear...lingerie is common there it's true but I told him I'd never be the kind of person to do that. I post my normal things; cute outfits, products I love, selfies of cool makeup, cosplays, my adorable cats and maybe a quote here or there. Sometimes on my selfies and outfit pics... okay flatteringly often... I'll get collaboration offers from clothing companies that want me to buy (at a discount) and wear their clothing and be an ambassador for them, sponsoring their company.
I've known sponsors are a big part of the youtube community for years and have been promising to myself for just as long that I would only work with companies that I truly want to support because they give back to this planet and/or the people on it in some way. Everytime I'd look at the websites of these brands that wanted to work with me I would look for the fabric contents, information on where or how they were made, and a mission statement or 'about' section. All I would find is rediculously overpriced, horribly cheaply made clothing with no intentions of helping anyone or anything on this planet besides themselves. Once I found a mission statement but all it said was "helping people find their unique style." Dumbass.
So when I was contacted by a company that specializes in underwear focused on quality and comfort and was mostly cotton(organic cotton would be better I'll admit) I was not immediately disgusted or disappointed like I usually am. What's more is I found that for every order they donate a pair of much needed underwear to shelters and projects like that for women that need them. At that point I got excited. They're doing *something* good! So I messaged them back and we talked... they said they'd be happy to work with me and what that entails which was exactly what I thought it would be. You take a picture in their product and I had thought of some vague ways to take a tasteful underwear shot that wouldn't be sexualized. I had done the research, looking up the project they donate to and seeing if this company is a top listed donor and it was! Claims confirmed and this was a company I was happy to work with! I finished writing that in my reply to them and that I was happy to work with a business that gives back to their community when it hit me... this is it. The moment I put a picture of myself in my undies, sexy undies, on the internet.
To be continued...
Jinx2109
Active Member
October 11th, 2020
...this is it. The moment I put a picture of myself in my undies, sexy undies, on the internet. The moment my body and what's worse, my morals will be up for debate. I had spent the past year rolling my eyes, shaking my head, even shedding tears over the women on instagram putting their bodies on display for attention, likes, and money. I had gotten used to frequent and surprise butt pics strewn throughout my feed and unfollowed those that made it a regular thing. I had learned over time the people who embraced soft-porn and those who celebrated the human form without sexualizing it at all. I learned that even though I had been porn free for a year ( I'm so happy to be sober) I was actually the one sexualizing people sometimes and I realied that the greatest success against pornography would be to be able to see naked and beautiful bodies without sexualizing them, rather realizing that sexuality is such a personal thing that it is wrong to think of people that way, that sex is not a thing to be worn by people.
I had even told my friend that she should not sell pictures of even just her hips in her undies for some money and made my disdain for that whole idea very clear. Even stating that it is just another form of prostitution and that it would be a huge disappointment because she has so much to offer this world and simmering that down to photos for giving people, no, for the sole purpose of giving people sexual pleasure would be an absolute waste. And I still believe that with every fiber of my being. So... am I a hypocrite? I am openly anti-pornography on all platforms of my life so I am so conflicted and a little terrified about being an underwear model even for one picture. Despite the fact that my best friend and I talked about maybe doing a lingerie show at a convention because the environment was so respectful and encouraging. For some reason posting online...I just want to be a good example for everyone.
To be continued...
...this is it. The moment I put a picture of myself in my undies, sexy undies, on the internet. The moment my body and what's worse, my morals will be up for debate. I had spent the past year rolling my eyes, shaking my head, even shedding tears over the women on instagram putting their bodies on display for attention, likes, and money. I had gotten used to frequent and surprise butt pics strewn throughout my feed and unfollowed those that made it a regular thing. I had learned over time the people who embraced soft-porn and those who celebrated the human form without sexualizing it at all. I learned that even though I had been porn free for a year ( I'm so happy to be sober) I was actually the one sexualizing people sometimes and I realied that the greatest success against pornography would be to be able to see naked and beautiful bodies without sexualizing them, rather realizing that sexuality is such a personal thing that it is wrong to think of people that way, that sex is not a thing to be worn by people.
I had even told my friend that she should not sell pictures of even just her hips in her undies for some money and made my disdain for that whole idea very clear. Even stating that it is just another form of prostitution and that it would be a huge disappointment because she has so much to offer this world and simmering that down to photos for giving people, no, for the sole purpose of giving people sexual pleasure would be an absolute waste. And I still believe that with every fiber of my being. So... am I a hypocrite? I am openly anti-pornography on all platforms of my life so I am so conflicted and a little terrified about being an underwear model even for one picture. Despite the fact that my best friend and I talked about maybe doing a lingerie show at a convention because the environment was so respectful and encouraging. For some reason posting online...I just want to be a good example for everyone.
To be continued...
Jinx2109
Active Member
October 11th, 2020
continued...
I accepted their offer. And it was a generous one at that, forty percent off was surprising and that it's my own handle as the code that I can share with whomever I please. When it comes down to it I have to do what I think is right and right now that means supporting a company that does good things especially without charging an arm and a leg. I have to trust myself to do what I believe is right and to handle gracefully any onslaught of judgement with a solid and eloquent purpose in all of my actions and decisions. It's scary but this is also an opportunity to encourage viewing the beauty of the female form as a whole being and not an object. I'm giving others the opportunity to practice respect and appreciation and to make a stand for any woman or man doing the same thing. I want to be a good example and influence and even though I may be overthinking all of this I think the best way to follow this through is to pull inspiration from myself and my own life to get a real and down-to-earth yet beautiful photo that just shows me, supporting a brand that I stand with, proud to be a woman in my own unique way. I need to trust who I am and I need to know who I am. I am a beautiful and strong-willed young woman who will always do what I think is right no matter what and will always make decisions as an idealist because the moment I give up hope that the world, the people in it, and myself can be better is the moment I give up on who I am.
~Jennifer
continued...
I accepted their offer. And it was a generous one at that, forty percent off was surprising and that it's my own handle as the code that I can share with whomever I please. When it comes down to it I have to do what I think is right and right now that means supporting a company that does good things especially without charging an arm and a leg. I have to trust myself to do what I believe is right and to handle gracefully any onslaught of judgement with a solid and eloquent purpose in all of my actions and decisions. It's scary but this is also an opportunity to encourage viewing the beauty of the female form as a whole being and not an object. I'm giving others the opportunity to practice respect and appreciation and to make a stand for any woman or man doing the same thing. I want to be a good example and influence and even though I may be overthinking all of this I think the best way to follow this through is to pull inspiration from myself and my own life to get a real and down-to-earth yet beautiful photo that just shows me, supporting a brand that I stand with, proud to be a woman in my own unique way. I need to trust who I am and I need to know who I am. I am a beautiful and strong-willed young woman who will always do what I think is right no matter what and will always make decisions as an idealist because the moment I give up hope that the world, the people in it, and myself can be better is the moment I give up on who I am.
~Jennifer
Jinx2109
Active Member
That is correct
So these are all old journals, reflected by the dates, explained by my first post. Now, I consider this type of collaboration a waste of time. However, that deal was not only common on IG but also one of the better deals id seen. (Usually they offer a 20% discount, sometimes "free" products." Funnily enough, they never ended up using my pictures, id guess not sexy enough looking at their usual posts. However they sent me the wrong color set, and I got a whole new set for free and got to keep the orginal as well so that time it worked out in my favor haha.Edit: to clarify, what I get out of the deal was supposed to be them posting my pics on their profile and crediting me so that I get more traffic to my account.
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