Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change

Jinx2109

Active Member
February 26th, 2019

Let yourself cry,
and let your tears dry.
Then pick yourself up,
and finish the fight.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
March 7th, 2019

To have stifled my anxiety for so long I forgot I had it.

It is time to sleep. This is my time; to heal, to rest, to enjoy my time alone.

I musn't let anyone, any fear, or any thought take it from me.

This is my privelage to embrace. My ritual.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
March 10th, 2019

Spring: my favorite time of year. The melody of the birds is a purity that calls me to the wilds. Small clusters of diamonds glisten in the sunbeams, nestled in their frozen shadows. This is the time of year that nature reminds us it's not dead. Blooming now is the triple snowdrop. The first to bloom; it takes the least amount of life to create it's elaborate blooms. Yet, it hangs it's head in humility. My favorite flower: the illustration of strength.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
April 15th, 2019

Sometimes when we try our best
our only success
is in knowing that we did not fail
to do all that we could.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
May 8th, 2019

No. I will not be sexting you,
no, I will not send you nudes.
If you want anything to do with me you will treat me like a lady and act like a gentleman.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
May 28th, 2019

I don't want to escape my life and live in a dream.
I want to make my life the dream.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
June 11th, 2019

What you should know about me:
1. I hate stereotypes.
2. I always strive to be fair and logical.
3. Because of the first two I am complicated.
By that I mean:
I am pro-sex and anti-porn.
I am pro-God/Jesus and anti-religion.
I am opinionated. Anti-judgement(the condemnation kind.) I am pro-choice.
I am not a feminist. I am an equalist. I am open-minded. Anti-"everyone is right if they feel they are."

I'll explain more in the future.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
June 18th, 2019

I've learned to accept my fears. They are valid and I shouldn't think less of myself for having them. I have too many dreams. I will do everything I can to make them all a reality, not despite my fears but because of them.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
July 20th, 2019

If you're going to change it's because you really want to. So if you're not changing there's at least some very small part of you that doesn't want to change. That may actually be okay but you have to know what it is and why it's there. The problem with religion is it assumes people want to, need to, and should change. So it often skips the step of understanding why you may not want to. But you can't move forward until you fully understand where you are right now.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
August 6th, 2019

If your religion tells you to deny yourself to live for God: you must remember that God created you uniquely. To deny your pure and inherant self, your nature, is to deny God himself. If it is a sin it is not your inherant nature but one learned or cultivated in a sinful world. To find your pure innocence and true nature is the most freeing experience.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
November 28th, 2019

The amount of stress a person can handle in their lifetime is only so much. There is a point after that when the body starts to destroy itself. I turned twenty-four fourteen days ago, and this past year I learned that bad things will happen. Things that are out of your control. Anything stressful that is in our control should be purged. God's plan is what matters, your gifts are what matter. Everything else is fluid; blood can carry poisen, forks can carry disease, words can be lies and love can be fantasized. If you put your heart on the playing field it will either be torn to pieces or planted to grow. Dreams can disappear but the effort you put into it never will.

I have five major health problems, to say nothing of the actual symptoms. They say God doesn't give people more than they can handle, maybe that's a cop-out. Because they also say that the bad things that happen in this world are not God's fault. I, and I alone, decide what I can handle. God will make the best out of the bad and that is what I believe.

I know now that I just need to get out of here. Will it fix my problems? No. In fact it will give me more. But at least they will be burdens I'm supposed to bear. I can feel with every fiber of my being that I am in a labyrinth, trapped and caged like a rodent. Around one corner I am fed, and around another corner I am tortured. A large hand reaches down to pick me up but squeezes too tightly. It won't let me go far, it suffocates me. It says it needs me and wishes I were gone. Then it feeds me and is shocked when I bite. It punishes me more. I can't heal in this place. I will escape whatever it takes. I need to survive so I can live.

I am being tested for a sixth disease. I struggle with thoughts wondering if I'm even supposed to be here? Why me? Why does it keep beating a dead horse?

I've always wanted to be successful and strong so I could say, "God got me here." Maybe Satan is trying to snuff me out so I never get to that point. Well, screw you, Satan. I abhore you and you can't have me. One day I will return to paradise, but not until I destroy you and praise God in front of trillions.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
December 31st, 2019

If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change what you like. It's that simple. I never said it was easy.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
~The Beginning of a New Decade~

Goodbye to the teens, the heart-break and pains. Goodbye to the questions that are endlessly "why." Let's start asking, "how?" And making the time, knowing ourselves, to fulfill our deams and desires.

I have had this notebook since I was sixteen. So much growth I have gone through over these past eight years. So many heartbreaks from boys and even family and friends. These formitive years, slowly forming and shaping who I am as a person. We have also read how I see the world in all of it's beauty, all of the wonder that God has created for us. We have experienced the world, life, and my mind together. Through all of the good and all of the bad.

We have also dived into my dreams for myself now and in the future. ...

So what is it that I have learned? What things have happened recently that have taught me life lessons or changed my philosophies? What will I carry with me into this new decade of the '20s?

More heartbreak - that's old hat now. But it never keeps me from loving passionately again. Broken trust? I take care of and protect myself... but I never stop letting new people in to see me. Trust lost is better than trust never gievn. People saying they've changed? Prove it. It has to be earned back. My weak immune system and struggling health? Oh, has it taught me my own strength and determination. I had six months to sleep, dreaming of all I want to accomplish. I can feel a little better with a lot of work, but doing what I love and craving to build a legacy so I can say, " Look what God gave me the strength to do!" Oh, that gets the work done when my joints crack, and my head aches, and I have to move achingly slow because my stiff muscles are in so much pain. Although I enjoy the luxury of taking care of and pampering myself... I need to remember it is also a necessity.

I have also learned to fully seperate myself now; from my parents, the expectations of friends, church members, or lovers. I am twenty-four and finally my own woman, capable of anything and everything. I have shed the limiting and strangling mindsets of my parents and am ready to take care of my needs and build my empire. One dream at a time.

I feel that now I have regained my inherant nature I can once again, from a pure and innocent view, see the world wondrously and wildly. The purity of being an adult, making life work, and dreams come true. I just pray this is the path God has lead me to, for it is his strength that got me here alive.

~Jennifer

Enjoy the moments, they are what bring you happiness in the end. Not so does the end itself.
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
February 10th, 2020

They say you can't cry in the shower, but today I proved them wrong. Because it has nothing to do with the humidity in the air, it is our bodies way of releasing salt. That which biblically brings both flavor and enhances our lives and also destroys and kills. After the water washed the pain from my face I asked God, pleading with him to possibly understand what good he could bring from all of this, I asked him, "What am I doing here? Am I supposed to be here? How could I possibly when things keep going wrong?" As he does on rare occasion when you are close to him and your heart is his, God replied, " You are right where you need to be, my child." And a wave of calm rushed over me in an embrace.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
I'm sorry for what you've been going through.
Oh, I appreciate that, thank you.🫂 3 years later im in a much better place now mentally! Though i sadly relapsed around the new year. 4 years of sobriety before that, but i understand recovery can be cyclical.
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
March 3rd, 2020

She called me a slut, the church calls me a sinner. But God made me this way and gave me this drive and yet... no husband have I.

I follow the path, through trials I thank Him, for making me stronger. For making me wiser. Working hard all my days and asking God, "why?" When a game of "The Pickety Witch," He plays with my days. Searching blindly and dizzy for the next step He wants me to take.

Still they may call me a tramp, or even that I've lost my way, they say. But I am a sheep only to One.

Till the day that I am gone I will go on, knowing one thing that they don't.

When I love, I love strong and when I hurt... oh, not for long. For my heart is forgiven and forgives. When my temple touches another I can see their soul and the beauty that God has put there. The pain that man brought them, oh, all you sinners. We sin together just knowing:

That love is not the problem it's the heart that decieves us when selfish desires overcome us.

So call me a slut, or a tramp, or a sinner because I know one thing that you ddon't. I know who I am, what I do with a man, and the love of Jesus resides in me still.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
June 12th, 2020

I have always been more comfortable with my masculine side. I have been aware of this for many years but have only recently realized that it may be causing some problems for me. Growig up was a bit difficult for me in this regard. I was raised in a home with strong women. I was raised with the idea that women can do anything men can do. I was taught no gender discrimination. But I have realized in this process I learned that femininity is weak. I saw it as having benefits but also an inevitable vulnerability that I would have to balance with masculinity just to feel strong and safe. I believe now that it isn't about balance at all but rather a marriage between the two. How to accomplish this is still a mystery to me. My counselor suggested that I talk to my inner child and the younger versions of myself. To both nurture her as well as guide her in femininity the way I wish I had been. In order to do that though I think I need to fully understand where I've been, where I am now, and where I would like to be.

~Jennifer
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
June 23rd, 2020

~My Feminine History~

My past with femininity is complicated. There are definitely parts about me now that are stereotypically girly; certain interests and hobbies. Yet, I find myself with a distorted view of women and their bodies. I find myself more comfortable with my masculine personality traits than I do with my feminine ones... if I even express those at all. I have had certain views and discomforts challenged by others and myself over the past few years but it is time to sort through all of this once and for all. It's time to dig up the dirt and find the gems buried inside. Oh, believe me I know this will take some time. But being that I will turn twenty-five this year and that I have vowed that I will learn to embrace my beautiful body and sexuality; it is way past time to face this. I feel incomplete right now and want to improve myself to my best form.

~Jennifer
 
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