Time to experience freedom!

worth_it

Active Member
Hi everyone, a year ago or so I was very active on here, then I felt like it wasn't really helping me at a certain point. Since then, I have set out on a journey of healing, lots of therapy, group counseling, and much more recovery community in my life, and I praise God for that. I relapsed this morning and I am experiencing a lot of hope right now (classic post-relapse feeling, I know, but this time feels pretty different so I'll go with it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). So here's the deal. Why am I posting here? Did it even help my recovery to post in the past?

To answer both of those questions, I will say that I experienced the most sobriety from PMO that I have ever experienced using the journal on this website. After thinking about it a bit, I think I realize having a place to journal my thoughts relating to recovery really helps me feel organized and not too overwhelmed (feeling overwhelmed is a huge precursor to me relapsing). So from here on out, I'm going to journal my daily (or every other day) progress. I'm committing to not going more than 2 days without posting, will post about how my day went and celebrate cool things that happened, as well as talk about challenges that came up.

Today is day 0. The morning started off well, but I've been feeling super overwhelmed recently and I truly think it has to do with a sort of untrue belief about myself, which is that I can't handle life's challenges more than a week or two without using PMO. I want to see that belief change, and I think posting on here will play a huge role in that! Here we go guys, I'm ready to see real victory.
 

worth_it

Active Member
It's day 1 today, and boy am I happy to be past yesterday. I ended up relapsing again because I was feeling so low the whole day after relapsing in the morning. The second time always feels so much worse. I feel like all the joy has been ripped from me and I just zone out for most of the rest of the night.

But it's day 1 now, so I can just focus on living healthy. Thinking of posting twice a day at first to get my brain used to journaling out these thoughts. Here's my plan for today: I'm going to work until 4:30, then come home and take a shower. I've got a group of friends I'm hanging out with at 6:30. Then I'll hang out with my wife.

Been reading some YBOP recovery stories and it fills me with so much hope. I've been stuck at once a week for the last 4 months or so, and I am so ready to be done with that. Let's get it!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Hey @sho0fl, thank you for the welcome!! I actually started listening to EasyPeasy on Spotify yesterday. So far, really good and giving me a lot of new things to think about. I appreciate it, and am cheering for you in your journal.

So day 1 was a pretty hard day. Much better than day 0, but still I felt like a zombie most of the day. Often I isolate myself after relapsing but I have come to realize that being around friends helps me recover quicker. So, I spent a good amount of time with a friend of mine working (we both work remotely) and that went well. Later on, got food with that same friend, spent time with a group of friends last night and ended the day off pretty well.

This morning has been good so far, learning a lot through the Easy Peasy method, and spent some time praying/reading the Bible, in a good headspace for the day. Really want to get back into working out, I think that helped me a lot in the past and I just need to make that step. Anyways, already seeing positives a day and a half into this. Here we go!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 2

It was a pretty solid day, first non-awful feeling day since I relapsed. I woke up, drank coffee and read the Bible/prayed, read a chapter of Easy Peasy, got started with work and finished what I wanted to finish. It's been awesome working with my friend lately, I was getting really tired of working by myself all the time. After work, I got home and zoned out a bit on Youtube but I didn't feel like I was escaping life or anything, just nice to chill out for a bit.

I hung out with a group of friends which was really nice and good time to connect with them since I hadn't seen them in a while. After that, I got home and then zoned out a bit too much on entertainment/social media and got to bed a bit late. Trying to get better at that since I know good sleep always helps me live healthy the next day. Had a random moment where I got a flashback to a P scene which sucked. Easy Peasy touches on this, but it's wild that my body reminds me of this thing that is so obviously hurting me, it feels like insanity. But I do feel like I was able to understand it for what it was -- my body, out of whack, trying to get me to do something that's unhealthy for me because of the dopamine release.

All in all, pretty solid day internally. I do feel encouraged by a thought I've been having lately when I want to check a woman out in an unhealthy way: "We don't do that anymore". Such a cool thought that I haven't had many times in my life. It's like I'm starting to believe that I'm not actually a PMO addict and that I don't need to objectify women (especially being a married man). Keep living into that new identity! Day 3 is about to be awesome!!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Thanks for the advice @sho0fl, I agree and think being around others always gets me out of my own head, which is much needed sometimes.

Day 3 was a pretty solid day. Didn't do my typical routine of Bible/prayer (really want to be as consistent as possible with that), but had some extra work to do in my job so I got started earlier. I also had a counseling appointment in the morning which went well, and we worked through some ways for me to work better as I've found that I typically relapse before or during work and I know work stress causes me to want to escape with PMO. So that was helpful, I've got some good steps to take.

Got to talk with a recovery friend on the phone, then worked hard and finished my work for the week. Got to hang out with a close friend in the evening, and we caught up for the first time in a couple weeks. It was really nice to catch up and just talk about life. The more time passes, and the more I just do healthy normal life things, I can feel my brain recovering. I recognize there is going to be some serious flatlining and withdrawals eventually but for now I'm just enjoying a couple pretty normal days in a row. I don't feel as awkward around others (the first couple days after relapsing I always feel uncomfortable in my own skin around others), I feel capable of having full conversations and thinking clearly.

I think my next step needs to be working out. I think it's time for me to get that consistent practice going again, and it's a really good way to disengage from work once I finish it, as well as get anxieties and stress out. Gotta replace PMO with all the good things that help me work through tiredness, stress, boredom, apathy.

Onto day 4! It's the weekend which always seems to go pretty well for me with staying sober, so I'm feeling pretty good. Busy day today so I'll probably be a bit exhausted this evening, but I think it'll be good for me. Seeing lots of progress and I'm ready to buckle up for a wild ride here.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 4

It was a very busy day basically from the point I woke up until late afternoon, which was good and challenging at the same time. First, I didn't get great sleep last night which has left me feeling groggy most of the day. I got to spend time with a friend of mine, then went on a date with my wife, then after that I hung out with a couple friends. I had a good time during all of those times, but I feel like I overdid it or something because I've just been really desiring to just zone out most of the day.

I have mostly spent the second half of my day on my computer, spending way too much time on Youtube, entertainment, and laying around. That's just not the type of day I want to live, especially on a day off from work. But it's good learning for me. If I could repeat the day, I'd probably plan one less event with friends. I think that drained me a fair amount, but I think part of getting better is having these learning moments and growing from them rather than just being sad that the day didn't go as I had hoped. I still see progress though. I feel more and more removed from the relapse a few days ago, and I'm grateful for that.

Something that has been tough is that my wife has been recently watching a TV show with a good amount of subtle sexualization of women. It's not like sex scenes or anything, but just most women in the show don't wear a lot of clothes so that's been hard to have in the background. I think I need to be in another room or faced away from the TV or something because I really want to limit seeing sexualization on a screen.

All in all, it's been a mixed bag today. To summarize, wish I had set my day up a bit better, but there's more I can do in the future to make my days better. It's all a learning process. Tomorrow, I'm onto day 5 which is usually the beginning of more heavy withdrawals/triggers to relapse. I'm worried it's going to be hard, but I'm ready to work to see change in my life.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
It gets harder but for a small period of time (for me at least). After a couple of weeks I just don't think I need P anymore. I definitely feel like it, it's useless for me. Stay strong for the next couple of weeks and you'll notice this as well!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement @sho0fl! It's really nice to hear that, this week might be a challenge but it's nice to know it'll pass in time.

Day 5 was a good day. First day I've had since relapsing where I felt good most of the day, and it's nice to be back in a good place. I was feeling this good before I relapsed, and just want to keep moving forward. Anyhow, today I mostly rested and spent time with my wife. It was a much needed day to recharge. On top of that, my wife and I have been practicing karezza for a while now and it's been really helpful to remove a lot of mental blocks I have had with sex and PIED. We did that today, and it was a bit more challenging than usual for both of us to focus, but was still good.

Evening was pretty good, I felt sort of irritable for a couple hours which sucked, but I think it's partially because I'm going back to work tomorrow. Trying to change my mentality with work so I feel more excited about it, but I also recognize I may just need a new job. My current boss does not value me very much and I get paid pretty low wages, so that definitely doesn't help me get excited about what the week will hold.

Right after posting this, I'm going to try a new method of lightening stress with to-do list stuff for work tomorrow. Really hoping that takes some stress off, which will in turn help me to stay away from shutting down and eventually relapsing.

To be real, I am stressed about tomorrow morning. Monday/Tuesday mornings are incredibly stressful for me with work, but I am ready to break that cycle this week. Here we go, it's scary but I know I'm gonna see amazing change.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Quick update: I had really bad heartburn, probably the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. I had no idea how to react to that because I was in a low place mentally, ready to sleep and I couldn’t sleep. I was partially wondering if something else was going on with my body. So I went out into the living room and sat on the couch since laying is the worst thing you can do when you have heartburn. Well I also grabbed my phone because I didn’t know what else to do, and whaddya know I peeked at a P video. Super upset I went there but ultimately glad I stopped before I went into a full relapse. Just not a very fortunate string of events. Heartburn is still kinda there so I’m still just sitting here bummed about my decision. I know peeking is so bad for me, but just could not find it in myself to stop. Next time something like this happens, I need to grab a book and not my phone, late at night this device becomes an auto PMO device.

Frustrated but continually learning. Every slip, relapse, binge is a lesson I can learn from.
 

worth_it

Active Member
I was able to get back to sleep, and woke up and now I'm started with work. Still bummed out about what I did last night. Having to get up in the middle of the night like that never happens to me, but like I said, it's all an opportunity to learn. In the future, I just cannot grab that phone.

*Deep breath* Okay, now let's do this. Day 6, let's go!!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 6

It was a hard day not gonna lie. Full of challenging moments. Unsurprisingly, peeking at P will cause a lot of challenging moments. Starting off though, the day wasn't too bad. I am trying a new method of focusing on work by starting my work soon after I wake up. I have no idea why, but it helps me focus and get started on the day so much easier. So that's really cool. I got some work done, went to my friend's house and worked with him. Then I finished work, and this is where I really started feeling a huge draw to relapse. I very slightly gave in and opened a snapchat story from a woman who is really beautiful, then closed out of it immediately. That of course put me in an even worse place. Somehow though, I got myself out of that situation, took a shower and got my mind into a good place again through prayer and meditation.

That was the worst moment of the day for me. Everything from then on was relatively fine. Ever since peeking a couple nights ago, my internal comfort level has been at like a 4/10 and it basically stayed that way for the rest of the day yesterday. It is not fun working through an addiction, but it's really worth it (hey that's my username!).

So in summary, I made it through the day just barely, I'm not doing great internally, but I am seeing progress. This morning, I kinda realized I'm not experiencing as much of an obsession with fantasizing about women. It feels so freeing, and I know this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to experiencing true freedom. I am going to be home alone most of tonight, so I'm pretty anxious about that. I don't exactly know how I'm going to get through that, because being home alone is usually a huge trigger for me to relapse. I might see if any friends are free to hang out or something.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 7

Another day in the books! This one was less challenging than the day before, but still pretty hard at points.

The day started off well, as I was able to get a good start on work and focus in on my tasks for the day. This day was a bit different because in the middle of the day I hung out with some friends from high school. I do want to push for more weekends or evenings on weekdays in the future, because hanging with my friends threw me out of rhythm with work. I was able to finish my work for the day, but much later than I wanted to finish it. This wasn't too challenging with wanting to relapse, but what was challenging was that my wife was going to be gone for the whole evening and I didn't have any plans while she was gone.

I talked to a recovery friend on the phone and he also pushed me to find someone to hang out with, so I reached out to a close friend, and fortunately he was free to hang out so that helped a lot. I was still struggling with the desire to relapse and I think that was because I really thought I was going to be alone at night, and my body was freaking out at the thought of being alone for such a long time. I don't know how single people get free (y'all are some seriously strong people) but it is such a challenge for me to be alone.

Anyways, I think internally this day was a 5.5/10 which is a fair step up from the day before. Thankful for that, and want to live today even better than before. I still think I'm experiencing the effects of peeking on Sunday night which doesn't surprise me. Just feeling that typical tension in myself, of wanting the release and escape. In the past when I've peeked, it's always been at least a few days until I'm back to feeling the same way I did before I peeked. I think I'm hitting the end of this post-peeking feeling in the next couple days, then I'm going on vacation with my wife and her family which should be an awesome time and a great healthy escape from typical life.

I just need to make it one day at a time, then I'll be out of town for a bit! Let's do this today!!
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 8

I'm feeling better and better every day! Not 10/10 internally by any means, but who actually has consistent 10/10 days?

Starting work soon after I wake up is absolutely a revolution for me and my feelings about work. I get started with work so quickly and it doesn't stress me out. I am feeling more and more ready to work every day, and am not triggered barely at all by work which is such a huge change for me. So, work is going well, and I got a raise the other day!

Other than work, I talked on the phone with a recovery friend and we had awesome talks, then right after that I hung out with some friends. I fortunately live a really social life right now and I'm super thankful for it because loneliness was killing me in the past with PMO.

Internally, I would rate yesterday as a 6.5 or 7/10. I just felt really solid the whole day. I still have the back of my mind voice saying PMO would be really enjoyable, but I know that's just untrue. That tension is definitely there, but I also do feel like the desire to relapse is getting less and less every day even if it's just a little bit at a time. In a video on youtube about flatlining I remember someone saying it's around this point in the reboot (probably day 8-13ish) when it's harder to be triggered to relapse unless we have a trigger right in front of us. For me, being home alone is when I feel that trigger, but other than that I would say the PMO flashbacks and desires in my mind are less and less prevalent.

This morning I'm feeling slightly more tense than usual. I think I'm a bit stressed out about packing and logistics with my trip coming up tomorrow, and also my body is realizing it's not getting it's typical fix, so I think that is piling on top of that stress. Just gotta keep working hard and living healthy.

I know there's a long road in front of me, but I am feeling really hopeful. I assume the flatline will hit me hard at some point, but for now I'm just trying to get more momentum and take the wins so I can remember them when I'm feeling more down.
 

worth_it

Active Member
End of day 9 right now and man am I ever feeling low. I really feel the desire to relapse next time I get alone but I know what's really happening is just that my body is feeling uncomfortable. I was telling another friend in recovery recently that part of healing and getting truly free for me is recognizing these feelings as they truly are, which is pain and discomfort, not some mystical deep need for release.

I'm not sure I ever really learned how to handle pain and discomfort without PMO so my brain always seems to think discomfort=I need PMO. It's not though, I think I'm just feeling pretty low and it might be partially because I'm going through some form of withdrawal, but it also might be because I'm just down. I know I can outlast this feeling, and just needed to get these thoughts down. Feeling pretty distressed about tomorrow morning and want to live well tomorrow. Just need to get through most of the day tomorrow and then I'll be on a vacation which should be a good time since I won't be alone at all and will be doing fun stuff.

Let's do this, seriously. I'll be back tomorrow morning for an overview on today.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 9

Definitely a harder day for me overall, but always positives to gain from each day.

Work continues to be a huge positive for me lately which is a huge breath of fresh air. I feel very much in the zone with work and it brings me a lot of joy because it wasn't that way for essentially the last 4 months. It shows even more how much I've grown in work when I have a day like today where I was just really wanting a release but needed to work. I feel like I've built up a lot of momentum in the discipline I have in work, so PMO is definitely a desire but not one that can override my work ethic which just feels so good to say.

I was busy with work most of the day, talked with a buddy on the phone for an hour or so, then had a date night with my wife. We kept it pretty chill since we're going out of town today, but it was a pretty good time. However, after we watched a movie, I just sort of shut down. We had a minor argument that really wasn't bad at all, then I just wanted to escape from the world so we sort of ended our date night unintentionally and went on our screens. It made me sad, I didn't want to end it that way but felt so lethargic and I think it was just some of those feelings from earlier in the day coming back much more severely than before. I was in a really low place, and thought today (day 10) would be a relapse for sure.

But as it turns out, my wife is feeling pretty tired and is working from home with me instead of the office, so I'm feeling good and really glad she is home because I'm not sure how I would handle being alone for most of the day after last night.

Anyways, TLDR yesterday was internally probably a 6/10 during day and a 4/10 at night. Not an awful day but just very hard internally for me. I feel pretty dang asexual around my wife right now yet feel the desire to get sexual release from PMO and that sucks. But I also have read a lot into flatline stuff and reboot timelines and it seems like where I'm at is really similar to where a lot of people have been in the reboot timeline. So just gotta be willing to deal with the symptoms, because honestly they're just proving to me how powerful of an addiction this is that I've been dealing with.

Day 10 should be fairly simple with my wife being home. I don't think I'll post here on my vacation, so I'll talk to y'all Monday. Let's keep going!!
 
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worth_it

Active Member
Days 10-13

All solid days. It's weird, really fun externally, but internally I felt like a mess. I went on a vacation with my wife and her family out in the woods and got back today, and it was really nice to get away from the normal rhythms for a few days and connect with some awesome people.

It was mostly sitting around, talking, playing board games, going for walks, and napping which was really relaxing. Internally I felt pretty tense, definitely worse than what I would consider my normal in the past. But also, my normal was in the midst of relapsing once a week or more so that's not a healthy normal at all.

I think I'm beginning to learn how to be okay not feeling well internally. I think in the past, I couldn't handle any prolonged feelings of discomfort, would lead to a relapse and that was super unhealthy. But these days I feel pretty consistently discontent and uncomfortable, which sucks but I think it's also good for me because I am building more and more momentum in saying no to PMO and yes to so many better things.

Anyways, here I am on the night of day 13. I am feeling pretty stressed out about the potential of relapsing because I go back to work tomorrow, which is a huge trigger for me lately. I have my new strategies for making work more doable, but it's still hard for me not to just self-medicate. I know I can make it through tomorrow. I know that if I can make it through tomorrow, I'll feel so much more confident about making it through Wednesday, and can just keep building that momentum. Let's go. I feel like I don't have much in me to keep pushing, but I'm gonna try.
 

worth_it

Active Member
Day 14

Hard day. First off, I peeked at P which was an awful decision. Not a relapse, but in some ways I feel like it did the same damage that a relapse would. My body had the same physical response, shaky body, heart racing super fast, started feeling cold, couldn't think clearly at all and that didn't change much after I stopped.

Earlier in the day was fine. I started off my workweek well, getting a good amount of work done in the morning and staying focused. This continued into the afternoon but I was just really struggling with pull towards relapsing. I was with other people so I was fine but I just kept remembering images and sounds from videos I'd seen in the past and that was really messing with me. At the same time, I thought I could make it through that, I've made it through a lot of uncomfortable feelings the last couple weeks. I was able to finish the work on my to-do list so I was happy about that. Then I talked to a recovery buddy on the phone which went well.

But man, once I got home, I was triggered. I don't enjoy being home alone, and my body was freaking out at the option of PMO. I was able to overcome that feeling for a bit, but I just hit a point where I didn't care as much and started searching P. It's crazy that searching P alone is incredibly strong as a dopamine hit. I get it because it's an anticipation chemical but it's kinda wild to me. I eventually found myself on a video and couldn't bring myself to watch it because I knew deep down that I didn't want to. And basically sat in that uncertainty for a while and then stopped. It felt horrible. My brain felt so screwed up, my body was experiencing such a stress response (seriously does PMO ever actually relax me?), my brain was so foggy, and I could not stop thinking about that moment for the rest of the night. It's like my body kept telling me "wow that was a lot of dopamine, remember when we used to do that all the time? We should do that again" and I could not turn that thought off.

But after all that was over with, I did not relapse. I'm deeply thankful. I know the next couple days are going to be an uphill climb with my mind, but I'm ready to keep moving forward. I'm ready to accept the pain that will most likely be stronger as my body and mind really push for a PMO hit. But I also know that as I accept the pain, it makes me so much stronger and capable of handling the urges. Not only that, but this whole event reminds me of how not worth it PMO is. That whole event just made me stressed out, and gave me some dopamine. There was no real value to it that I can't get somewhere else in a much healthier way that doesn't make me feel like garbage. I've started off my day well with work and writing out this post, and I'm ready for whatever this day hands me.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Day 14

Hard day. First off, I peeked at P which was an awful decision. Not a relapse, but in some ways I feel like it did the same damage that a relapse would. My body had the same physical response, shaky body, heart racing super fast, started feeling cold, couldn't think clearly at all and that didn't change much after I stopped.
Yup! It's intoxicating... I get all of those symptoms when I give in after a streak. The hangover ain't worth it!

You'll have to be extra vigilant for a few days now. A peek is often just the first hint of a full blown relapse to come in my experience.
 
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