Time to experience freedom!

[worth_it]

Thanks for the comment and the advice @SimonM. It's really true, and unfortunately I know that well because I just relapsed.

I'm super disappointed unsurprisingly. I wrestled the entire morning with the desire to relapse and I eventually gave in. I knew I could push through, but I just didn't. How does one let go of the lie that they can only make it so far in life without PMO? That's a consistent lie in my mind that led me to relapse this morning, and I don't know how to let go of it.

I am down, tired, and have a whole day ahead of me. Day 0 has begun. Hope is not lost though, I have gained and grown so much and seeing this much sobriety gives me a lot of excitement for my future. This is my first 2 week stretch of sobriety in almost 3 months. If I can do 14 days and push through so many different challenges, I can do that for the rest of my life. This is what it's all about, being free forever. Life is so much better when I'm not using PMO.

Gotta reset, pray, remember my hope and vision for my life, and focus in. Here we go. Let's get this, fellas.

 

[worth_it]

Well, yesterday was pretty hard. I felt like garbage most of the day, told my wife about it and she was of course sad, and I just felt down, depressed, and really wanted to just binge PMO. It was one of the strongest urges I've had to just give up and PMO a bunch in the day, but I overcame that. The day was already low, and overcoming that desire was a great way to start getting momentum again to live well and in control.

I have decided that counting days has become far too important for me, so I'm going to continue to post on this site, but not post the number of days of sobriety, only for milestones. I was reading a recovery book yesterday where the author said counting days can cause us to lean too heavily on that instead of creating healthy rhythms for a life that is free from PMO. Feel free to disagree but I really resonated with it, so I'm going with that strategy now.

Anyhow, I was able to finish my work and hang out with friends yesterday which I think was really important that I did. Sometimes when I relapse, I just give up on life for the rest of the day and cancel plans, and I think that honestly just gives in to the low feelings. I'd much rather start creating more and more health by doing important things like finishing my planned work and being around people. It wasn't easy, and man did I feel insecure and broken yesterday, but I made it through.

A concept that has been really hitting me is the idea that I can only control so many things. I can't control the way others treat me, the only things I can control are internal within myself. That's been really helpful and I'm hoping it helps with freedom! Alright, time to lock in and live healthy!

 

[worth_it]

Hey all I'm back again. It's been a bit, and I went through a time where I didn't feel like journaling was super helpful for me so I stopped. Today, I relapsed though and kind of want to process some thoughts and emotions.

Found myself on a computer that doesn't have any blockers this morning, as I needed it for a big download I was doing for work while I used my actual computer. The problem is that I have used this computer in the past for PMO and was blindsided when the PMO memories started hitting me when I got on the computer. Definitely my brain just remembering what I did in the past and saying "hey we could do that again right now!" So I did. I relapsed and knew the entire time that it was a giant mistake. But even then, once I'm in that place of being triggered and on electronics that are tied to PMO, it's just so damn hard to get out of it. I also took a pretty big step to seek more novelty and I know that's just horrible for my brain. I've always struggled with the exact same type of fetish and I know it's tied to some toxic friendships when I was younger.

So here I am. Sitting at my laptop at my kitchen table and wondering how I'll get past this. I texted my wife about it and she forgave me (she knows it's really damn hard to get free from this crap) but it still hurts her a lot and I know it'll strain things in my relationship with her. Not only that, but we're both trying to make strides in living healthier lifestyles (less screens, more human interaction and exercise) and I feel like I absolutely drag us down when I do that. It doesn't exactly show the commitment to health when I'm PMOing on a weekly basis. I feel like I've tried everything. Going really strict with device restrictions, not going strict at all with restrictions, getting counseling and looking into the root causes of my addiction, trying all sorts of tips for getting free. Nothing has given me the freedom that I so badly desire.

Yet, I know that giving into that lifestyle is the worst road. I tried that for upwards of 6 or 7 years. Then I tried giving in a few different times over the next few years. Every single time I realize that I hate my life when I use PMO. It leaves me lethargic, unfocused, wanting more yet never satisfied, it strains my relationship with my wife and my friends, takes away any desire to get work or errands done, ruins the way I view women, and robs me of my drive to keep growing into a better person. This shit ruins my life and I am fully aware of it.

So how will I change? First, I think I'm going to pray, read some of a book about getting free from PMO, and work hard at my job today. All I can do is go one step at a time.