Close to the Edge

SoberRich

Member
Just slipped. I'll be back once I've nuked my internet history. *sigh* I have to find a way out.

Sobriety from alcohol: 46 days
Sobriety from porn: 0 days.
 

SoberRich

Member
Just slipped. I am ashamed. Can't even make it a day now. I will open the porn books I have and start reading through them. I will try to do some more journaling tomorrow.
 

SimonM

Active Member
What are you doing to stay sober from alcohol that you're not doing for porn? Maybe there's some lessons in that answer for you? ... It's so hard man though! That shit is addictive in the extreme. Strength!
 

SoberRich

Member
Checking in on day 2 clean of porn. 1 day down. But I can usually handle one day. I was out of the house today at "work", if I can call the convenience store where I am right now until I finish my professional diploma "work". I am back home now and just going to write a little here, check out my legitimate websites, and then close the lap top because I can't be too careful. No Reddit this time. That is the rule, and an important one. I already felt myself getting antsy because I like to vent and bitch anonymously on there, but half an hour later I find myself on the porn side. So, NOPE! No Reddit. I noticed while I was doing my "training" on the computer at work that I was horny as hell. Don't worry, I didn't "do" anything about it. I just felt it. Mindfulness has helped me learn how to not "give in" to feelings and emotions, to be able to sit with a feeling, allowing myself to feel the sensation, without "doing" anything about it. As I did this I found images of my wife popping into my head. Images that were just her face, but others that were fairly erotic, in dresses, tops, and bras I liked her in. Other times the thought of her breasts came to mind. Like I said it got erotic. It was the weirdest experience.

As amazing as it felt to be feeling lust for my wife I have been around the block long enough to know what my brain was doing. My brain knew that it couldn't get its dose of porn, so it tried a different angle and went for the next best thing. It is not going to work. That was a fun experience, but it will remain only that for the moment.

Will check in later tonight.

Sobriety from alcohol: 48 days
Sobriety from porn: 1 day
 

SoberRich

Member
Trigger Warning!!! You've been warned!

Checking in on day 3, 2 days down of no porn. It sounds about right. My head feels like a mental health ward right now. The cravings are SO BAD! All of the light bulbs and messages shooting through my brain saying "Must see TITS!" "Must see women!" Really? Because my wife is right there. Will get off the laptop as soon as I am done with this and go do chores.

Just the insanity of this dis-ease. It is really something. Whenever I do see my wife in a state of undress (our marriage is sexless, for many reasons, at the moment) I am brought back to reality and reminded that I am very lucky to still be married to a beautiful, attractive, smart woman. I often think about us returning back to a normal sex life, very often in fact. But I know it is too soon. I am too early in sobriety from both of my addictions. The improvement in our marriage is too new.

I see the glances back and forth between my wife and I. The growing desire there. The developing closeness. I can't rush it, because that is the dis-ease talking. My intolerance for gradual improvement and change. I want it now. I want a sex life, a wholesome, perfect marriage, a perfect career.

I want it all now. But that isn't how life works. That is not how recovery works. One day at a time. One step at a time.

And as far as the opinions of strangers on the internet. I couldn't care less. I know what "healthy" people think about alcoholics, porn addicts, in recovery or not. I know their opinions on the partners that go back.

My newfound wisdom: everyone has something in their attic. Everyone is dealing with something. Everyone is addicted to something, even if it is social media, etc.
At least I am dealing with mine. I am in recovery and quite frankly, I feel great!

Rich

Sobriety from alcohol: 49 days
Sobriety from porn: 2 days.
 
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