Actually slept well last night at work, which is a bonus and will give me a better chance to have a good weekend. First paid client yesterday, session went well and she wants to see me monthly. I have been feeling some emptiness this week, as if life is stuck in a holding pattern, which is how I often see it. I am trying to change my thinking and stories as it is all judgements and a matter of perspective - either way there is a lot I can improve on!
Doing some writing for the new therapist, which is raw, telling someone about my life and weaknesses/challenges is quite illuminating. I am doing a whole piece on sex, fetish, and my obsessive connection, and notice I really don't want to send it to her. I wonder if that is just shame or a fear that by doing so I might have to work on it. I notice that I definitely give this stuff a lot of power, and it has power over me. I need to write yesterdays post again but in terms of fetish - a few times this week my desire to go and see Miss M has been crazy intense and I could see the insanity of it. I thought of step 2 - came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Yet it's not that simple, as I have to come to believe - and I notice a lot of the time I really don't believe it can change. I guess that is the belief I need to rewrite, and practise coming to believe I can change, and be helped.
Whether or not the fetish changes, avoiding PMO and practising tantra is the right path for me. Carrying on losing weight and getting fitter and stronger is the right path - no giving up on myself and reverting back to gaining for her no matter how insane the craving. Taking it to therapy and journals. So that's the only path, the only option. I will read step 2 stuff and reflect on it, pray on it, and finish that writing and send it to her.
Doing some writing for the new therapist, which is raw, telling someone about my life and weaknesses/challenges is quite illuminating. I am doing a whole piece on sex, fetish, and my obsessive connection, and notice I really don't want to send it to her. I wonder if that is just shame or a fear that by doing so I might have to work on it. I notice that I definitely give this stuff a lot of power, and it has power over me. I need to write yesterdays post again but in terms of fetish - a few times this week my desire to go and see Miss M has been crazy intense and I could see the insanity of it. I thought of step 2 - came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Yet it's not that simple, as I have to come to believe - and I notice a lot of the time I really don't believe it can change. I guess that is the belief I need to rewrite, and practise coming to believe I can change, and be helped.
Whether or not the fetish changes, avoiding PMO and practising tantra is the right path for me. Carrying on losing weight and getting fitter and stronger is the right path - no giving up on myself and reverting back to gaining for her no matter how insane the craving. Taking it to therapy and journals. So that's the only path, the only option. I will read step 2 stuff and reflect on it, pray on it, and finish that writing and send it to her.