Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

[Blondie]

You have some great stuff here @Nico.

I really like what you say about taking care of yourself, and just not your spiritual self. It's funny, but over the last three or four years, I've been learning a lot about this too. I don't know if it was from my religious background (very fundamentalist Protestantism), or a combination of many things, but I very much had the idea that there was a great duality between the corporal and the spiritual, and God really only cared about the spiritual. It was very much living for the next world, while neglecting this beautiful world that we inhabit, including our bodies. Thus, taking care of my body, even working out, seemed to be a materialistic phenomenon beyond the tutelage of a far off heavenly God.

However, after doing much reading about other religious traditions, and discovering for myself the power of being in tune in a corporal sense, there really does seem to be a balance that can be achieved between both worlds, not that I've found that perfectly yet.

Thanks man.

 

[Nico]

Interesting, I guess that is one of the reasons why embodiment has been a bit of a buzzword in spiritualish circles for some time..

Had a good dance last night, speaking of embodiment, and felt strong in my masculine energy and power..practically did a haka at one point! I approached women to dance with which is something I don't usually do, except interestingly not the woman I was most attracted to! I need to get over that. Then I stayed up too late, so a bit of a self care fail, but I did eat some blueberries so some you win..

52 days clean, 16 days no O. It's all good, it matters, I matter, you matter. I had an interesting feelings and some insight into self care yesterday when I realised the root of my inability to care properly for myself in life might be to do with that. I am so used to lofty philosophy and transcending self and body, that it feels slightly absurd to tell myself I matter. The desire to ascend vs the need to be of the earth and the body. Bypassing vs healing I suppose.

 

[Nico]

Strange week. I have been doing a lot of reading about attachment, trauma, and how it affects relationships and self-image. On Weds night I found myself a bit overwhelmed by what I was reading, as there were a lot of hard truths in black and white - it gave me a physical reaction which wasn't pleasant, and for the first time in a while I had a compulsion. It wasn't strong, I just found myself having to put down the reading and was kind of moving towards my laptop and wanting to change how I was feeling. I was aware of it almost immediately and came on here instead and wrote a long post I didn't post! I feel fired up to get to the root of some of these things, so I don't sabotage future relationships. I am aware of the fine line between inner work and shame or beating myself up. Shame can be motivating, but I have to use it rather than let it sink me. I have to face patterns and addictions that sabotaged past relationships, and also have compassion for myself in the face of feeling like a fuckup. One of the suggestions for healing is self care, and part of that can be reflection and journalling, so I guess I am doing it. Perhaps reading that kind of stuff isn't ideal late at night though, and I can recognise overwhelm sooner and start doing something more relaxing.

I have also been getting worked up about a few things - there is a situation with a client which is really getting to me as I don't like how certain professionals have been dealing with him, and I am taking a stand against it, which sort of involves disagreeing with my manager and his psychiatrist. Long story, won't bore, but it's injustice and I feel he is being set up for a fall.

Oh well, it's Friday, and I am going strong, zero urges or compulsions yesterday. I am going to re-read what I found difficult when I am more resourced and try to take it in properly.

 

[Nico]

Some struggles this weekend with fatigue, and various desires, not for porn per se but more with fetish and questions about it making sense to try and find someone who shares it. It is craving in disguise, and I can see it is a battle between my higher self and self-destructive tendencies. This is how my last relapse began - a desire for my obsession, a desire to meet someone like her, looking on a fetish site to find, then stories and porn. I feel like I am in a coal mine searching for beliefs, apparent desires, and wounds and trying to bring them to light, where one day they might lose their power.

- more work on beliefs about fetish and its power over me
- write out desires for love and life
- connect with higher self and higher power

Maybe I bite the bullet and have a bit of therapy, maybe it can help me unwind this mess. I have been worrying about the cost as I am still catching up from sick leave in December, but really the cost of not sorting this out is far higher. I feel sometimes reading other journals that I'm having to go deeper than others, either that or oversharing, which is humbling. I wonder if I am not keeping it simple or something, I wish I could! Surely I can't be the only one with trauma and attachment issues!?

Ok just for today I will try to keep it simple. I don't want that shit in my life. When it comes it's just a manifestation of wounding, just craving. I am seeing FWB today, so can either forget about it or talk about it too.

 

[Nico]

57 days, but to be honest cravings and urges seem to have returned, partly because a certain someone messaged me and told me she thinks about me every night, which is basically saying fantasising in her language. Its set me off a bit, but I am not going to throw it all away for what little she can offer. So I am going to go through my posts about beliefs again and focus on what I really want, again lol

 

[Nico]

Works been hectic so no time to go through what I wanted to, perhaps later tonight. Seeing a friend after work then dancing. Hope everyone either has a good Valentine’s Day or can get through it

 

[Nico]

Very busy week, there is a lot I am trying to sort out at work, so haven't had much energy to give to my own recovery work, and I can see that has had an effect, as last night had temptations - again more fetish than porn but its all the same really. I read through my posts in late Jan about beliefs and pleasure, and that helped. I am under a bit of financial stress as well, which doesn't help but its just a buildup of unforeseen expenses and lost pay due to sickness. What will not help that is relapsing - although porn can sometimes seem tempting, as a kind of refuge, it will only make me feel worse. Especially now I have managed two months, or 60 days, the pain of failure and shame afterwards will certainly not help with stress! I did MO, but to be honest fantasy was there, and I swore to keep it tantric so it feels like a kind of failure.
There is still weakness in me around fantasy, fetish and my connection, so I have read through the private work and beliefs I did for that specifically. It does help, rereading old recovery work. It helps me see a bit more clearly when tiredness, stress, and cravings arise. I feel more resolved to leave it alone, leave her alone. My goal is a fitter body, and good sex with a loving partner. None of these behaviours or desires help me with that, they lead in the opposite direction. My fetish connection (sounds less powerful than HER!!) certainly doesn't either and our connection is really nothing but pain and is as toxic AF! As well as recovery reading, I am going to read something about tantra that inspires the new sexual behaviours as well.
I do have a therapist lined up, who was matched with me on BetterHelp, specialising in trauma, attachment, addiction and relationship difficulties - but have been stalling as I would have to get credit this month to start. As I write that, I can see I should do it, give it a try for a month and see if it helps. I was more than happy to blow way more money going abroad to see 'that fetish connection' and book nice hotels or flats for us, so fuck it lets do this!

 

[Androg]

Remember, the more you get off to something, the stronger its hold over your sexual tastes. Or, to put it another way, try always to orgasm only to things you want to keep in your sexual repertoire going forward, even if that means passing up some orgasms at first (because you miss a particular stimulus).

 

[Nico]

Agreed and thanks. I have been consciously trying to leave fantasy out, especially if close to orgasm..and switch to pure sensation or at least vanilla/sacred sex fantasy. I am trying to leave it out altogether - and setting the scene seems to help, music, candles, making the space sacred and treating it like a ritual. But point taken, and I am trying to have more abstinence from O as well.

I am doing some courses on attachment styles, and subconscious patterns or beliefs. A few things seemed important to share:

The subconscious cannot be overruled by the conscious mind. So if the SC is believing or wanting us stuck in habits, or beliefs, it isn't enough to fight it. This tells me that some of the work I did on beliefs may have changed some subconscious programmes, but the work isnt done yet. It has to be reprogrammed and in its own language, which is emotion and imagery.

I guess most of us have negative programmes running in the SC, not good enough, unlovable, unworthy, broken, porn addict..and these programmes are like perceptual filters, with the SC interpreting information through that filter, as if to prove that belief to be true. Which is why for example social gatherings can be anxious instead of enjoying meeting new people and getting dopamine and oxytocin from meeting people feeling open and confident and interested. If life is showing us our unlovability or unworthiness, it is because of this underlying programme reinforced by thoughts and feelings.

This course is saying that we need to use the hour before sleep and after waking to imprint new programmes - which affect core beliefs, and thoughts, and actions. Gathering evidence for more positive programmes, feeling lovable or free, visualising it. Keep doing this for 21 days, and being mindful that thoughts during the day don't undermine and undo this process.

The SC is heavily invested in the familiar and the safe - so habits and patterns are affected by the subconscious desire for things not to change, to stay the same, as it delivers results (dopamine) and keeps us safe. So due to its power, its no wonder it is hard to change beliefs, patterns and habits. Left unchecked, these programmes distract us from goals, make us procrastinate or sabotage our efforts.

I am going to try this out - on 2 levels, firstly my biggest one which is being unlovable, so gather evidence of being lovable on the thought level, but then feel it, visualise, and anchor it.
Then on sexual prowess and being free of fetish and porn. I can gather evidence of virility and prowess through my life, visualise absolutely ravishing a beautiful woman, fit, strong, powerful, absolutely fucking her open into bliss, feeling amazing about it, and loved. So emotion and imagery..I can even see this becoming quite a good fantasy to use!!

 

[Nico]

I feel quite excited about the habits and things I can do with all the time that freedom from porn has given me. Rather than trying to push myself too hard on my business, for now I am going to throw myself into these courses and subconscious reprogramming, the therapy that should start any day now, recovery reading, walks in nature now that its nearly spring, and I want to get into daily yoga/stretching and meditation.
All of these things are medicine, and anything to do with good nutrition and fitness is the antidote to my brand of poison. There is something wrong with my shoulders and has been for a while - made me quit swimming, but I used to love surfing so if I can see a physio and get them looked at that would be a great self care step to take. Adding some yoga, swimming/sauna/jacuzzi to my life would be really great. I got a takeaway on Weds, and it was bloody disgusting. I was wondering why I bother with takeaways - I have beliefs that they are treats (and a good one can be) and that occasional binges help me focus on my diet, but I feel better when I have salads and fruits and make the effort to get myself a healthy meal.

I watched a Trish Leigh video last night, and then some others - and was reflecting on what porn or fetish urges are really about: an urge to merge and lose the sense of separation, an urge to be a better man, to love and be loved, even for care and nurture. It could also be an urge to escape some feeling or stress. It's also an urge for dopamine, but I feel these urges can be channelled into directions that meet the real needs instead of the illusory shiny objects of cravings. Next time I get one I want to sit with it, close my eyes, and try to sense the real need, or the feeling the brain seeks to avoid. No feeling is so bad or difficult that it's worth screwing my life up to avoid. I guess that getting curious about the urge itself, exploring what triggers it, where it is in the body, what feelings, beliefs and thoughts are there. Even this, should be enough to create a different state of consciousness as its focus is inwards rather than out reaching for some pix to fix..

 

[TakeActionNow]

Have a check if it's frozen shoulder. Myself and many friends of similar age got it. Telltale signs are inability to straighten arm up fully, and unable to bend arm high behind the back.
I found that a massage gun helps a lot to break up scar tissue and provide some range of motion.

"Next time I get one I want to sit with it"
Yes this is a great step forward.
Keep up all these wonderful self awareness and discoveries!

 

[Androg]

I feel quite excited about the habits and things I can do with all the time that freedom from porn has given me. Rather than trying to push myself too hard on my business, for now I am going to throw myself into these courses and subconscious reprogramming, the therapy that should start any day now, recovery reading, walks in nature now that its nearly spring, and I want to get into daily yoga/stretching and meditation.
All of these things are medicine, and anything to do with good nutrition and fitness is the antidote to my brand of poison. There is something wrong with my shoulders and has been for a while - made me quit swimming, but I used to love surfing so if I can see a physio and get them looked at that would be a great self care step to take. Adding some yoga, swimming/sauna/jacuzzi to my life would be really great. I got a takeaway on Weds, and it was bloody disgusting. I was wondering why I bother with takeaways - I have beliefs that they are treats (and a good one can be) and that occasional binges help me focus on my diet, but I feel better when I have salads and fruits and make the effort to get myself a healthy meal.

I watched a Trish Leigh video last night, and then some others - and was reflecting on what porn or fetish urges are really about: an urge to merge and lose the sense of separation, an urge to be a better man, to love and be loved, even for care and nurture. It could also be an urge to escape some feeling or stress. It's also an urge for dopamine, but I feel these urges can be channelled into directions that meet the real needs instead of the illusory shiny objects of cravings. Next time I get one I want to sit with it, close my eyes, and try to sense the real need, or the feeling the brain seeks to avoid. No feeling is so bad or difficult that it's worth screwing my life up to avoid. I guess that getting curious about the urge itself, exploring what triggers it, where it is in the body, what feelings, beliefs and thoughts are there. Even this, should be enough to create a different state of consciousness as its focus is inwards rather than out reaching for some pix to fix..

Can you find takeaway from a healthy place? It could still be a treat.

 

[Nico]

I will get it checked out thanks TAN - although around here it has become bloody hard to see a GP. And yes, i am trying to have way less takeaways and more healthy food - I am really into tomatoes on Ryvita with salt and pepper, and blueberries, especially the blueberries - they have become my new go to treat and I prefer them to sweets which is kind of amazing.

I have had a low few days TBH, a few disappointments, and dates keep rain-checking me at the moment. My self worth is going through a bit of a storm. I think that a written exchange with my new therapist on Friday has left me thinking it isn't going to help, and have thoughts that there is nothing that will help. It starts tomorrow morning with a video chat, and maybe that is bringing up resistance and judgements.

Today I am tired, headachey, and have low mood. Battled with my desires this weekend with mixed results, and feel aware of some red flags in my states so I need to relax and practise self care. Once again, I can feel my resolve faltering, I want to connect with people I shouldn't, and I have been trying to work out why since only recently my resolve was rock solid. I am aware my body is crying out for touch, which feels like a trigger. I feel down about ED as well, but I do know porn and PMO cannot help me and will make everything worse. I refuse to relapse after 9 weeks of good work. It is just a period of bad weather, it will pass.

So today, I plan to talk to a friend, and do two simple things - a gratitude list, and a little work on reprogramming the negative thoughts about my sex life, self worth and future. Other than that, I am going to relax, and get on here if I feel more temptations.

 

[Blondie]

I refuse to relapse after 9 weeks of good work. It is just a period of bad weather, it will pass.

Amen brother, it really does pass. And when you do get through it, it makes you so happy because you stayed the course.

 

[GBS]

@Nico - I couldn’t agree with @Blondie more. The elation from not relapsing I find is nearly as good as the feeling one used to get from watching porn. That may be scoffed at, but I mean it. You have got this, mate.

 

[Beautiful1973]

You are awesome, just remember that. x

 

[Nico]

Thanks all, it does inevitably pass, I feel a little better this morning having had a decent sleep. I managed to do some coursework on reparenting trauma patterns yesterday, did some gratitude writing, and some meditation and visualisation. Sounds like a lot, but it wasn't really, the rest of the day was Netflix and blueberries!

I know one of my patterns is to give more than receive, and I have compassion fatigue from work where I do a lot to look after others, which leaves me drained and without the energy to really give myself the same care and respect. I know from being a lifeguard in my youth that you have to look after yourself before you can really give to others, but I have lost balance. I thought this was just a fatigue issue, but I am looking at the patterns and self regard issues and am trying to value myself more.
I get down sometimes comparing myself and my current circumstances to old friends and family members, but I have to remember that they haven't had to deal with alcoholism and losing the plot with LSD in my late teens. I don't know why I do this, given that my path has totally redefined what I view as success, and the meaning of this precious life, and yet I still sometimes attach material success with worth and feel less than. When I look with the right eyes, i can see all that has gifted me so much, and my life has a lot of meaning and purpose and everything is ok and will turn out fine. Even my job is on purpose, it just often feels like a problem I need to solve or escape. With the eyes of gratitude, I see that despite my living and working situation I have learned great skills, got great ideas, and a promising set of investments. At any time, my investments could come good and allow me to make lovely changes, and although it has been a major test of patience and faith, and the source of a lot of self-criticism, I have to remember step 3 in my darker moments, and hand it over to my higher power and have faith. Its the same with my sex life, I could meet the right person any time, and I am doing all I can to heal, so again I need to trust in life and have faith.
I just had my first therapy session, which was kind of introductory, trying to explain more about what brings me to it and elaborate on the fairly candid letter I wrote. She seems good, and I can message during the week which is pretty cool. I just hope it will bring me to a better understanding of how trauma drives and affects me now, as I am hoping this might let me relate to fetish drives in a new way.

Feeling hopeful, day 64, just have to keep taking steps as the path unfolds before me, and remember that sometimes the weather and view is dismal, and at others it is beautiful. I also have to remember that diamonds are forged in the fire, and that the times of suffering bring gifts, and suffering doesn't need to be judged or mistaken for the whole picture. Difficulty and challenges are a part of levelling up, bringing strength, wisdom and compassion. Using porn now is to avoid, escape or soothe, is only a temporary fix, and is like the myth of Sisyphus - pushing a rock up a hill only to have it roll down and have to do the hard work again. I can drop the bloody rock and walk the path freely and without the extra weight!

 

[TakeActionNow]

I'm sorry that I forgot that you take care of others and caregivers do experience burnouts. Please find the care and support that you need to feel better and get through things. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take care my friend.

 

[Blondie]

Feeling hopeful, day 64, just have to keep taking steps as the path unfolds before me, and remember that sometimes the weather and view is dismal, and at others it is beautiful.

This is so true @Nico. We can't appreciate the good times if we're always tying to make every time good, especially with artificial measures. There is no beauty without ugliness. No night without the day, and no tears of joy without tears of suffering.

Best to you.

 

[Nico]

Thanks both. I think it might be time to think about some time off!

I wrote this post yesterday but didn't post it so here it is:

Shocking sleep at work - woke up at 1, then at 3, and couldn't get back to sleep, so today is going to be fun. I started to worry about tonight after work, as I know what I am like when I am knackered and defences are down, but realised I don't need to worry about the future. I didn't think of it through the night and I have got through a lot of tired evenings alone at home so why worry? I know my strategies and have the tools, and so vigilance is fine but worry is kind of setting negative outcomes in motion in the brain. If I fear using porn I am giving it energy it doesn't deserve. It isn't an option, it doesn't warrant a place in my thinking any more. Hmm, how to take it seriously but take away its power!?

I guess its a both/and not and either/or. Use recovery tools, do inner work, fill life with good things, gratitude, dreams and goals, and also try to see it less as an all powerful presence in life. Porn's power is illusory, in so many ways. It's just not having my power any more. It doesn't deserve a thought or a worry, and yet when we use we willingly offer up our self-esteem, drive, masculinity, and happiness! In a way it is like handing our will and our lives over to an illusion, a false goddess, a flashy fleshy replica of a higher power. It is like a demon masquerading as goddesses, and we end up seduced and in its thrall, powerless, until we see through it and see what it is taking from us.
In recovery they say we need to place ourselves in service to something greater than ourselves, a real higher power. If sex and orgasm is the closest many people come to an end to separation, union, oneness, the eternal, then it is no wonder something like porn could seem so powerful. Maybe porn is literally just a misguided way to seek the sacred, seek beauty and transcendence, but there are other better ways. It is in the steps really, the coming to believe in and the handing over our will and lives to something greater (2/3) and endeavouring to increase our connection through prayer, meditation, service (11/12)..and also through appreciating real beauty, gratitude, and being open and receptive.

Today - well I was seriously tired last night, and just read a book and then got into some crime series to get through until sleep time. I had a favourite book about meditation and the mind called 'Our Pristine Mind,' and I feel like listening to it again as the audiobook is amazing1