Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

Nico

Active Member
Well I got to 45 days, but lost control of myself at about 3am. Felt very tired and low yesterday. Should have caught all the warning signs yesterday and perhaps before, and taken more time with the advice I got yesterday from you all which I really appreciate, all the more so today! It started with messages from my obsession, and its a hard lesson as I realise I am going to have to tighten up on the 'grey' areas and perhaps break contact, which is a nightmare as I really want to see her and she's been missing me. No excuses though, I just got carried away with feeling horny and needy. Humble pie - I really thought I had this.

So..Day 1. I wrote the above yesterday. What is positive is that I have learned a few things, and I know that in the last 10 weeks I have used PMO twice, so re-sensitising is still happening and i was careful with my touch yesterday. I had an accidental slip at 3am, which was caused by 'grey' area stuff, but it wasn't intentional, but then decided the next day that if i was resetting my counter i wanted it to be for at least a good O. So I had an intentional one yesterday, and used P and kink stuff. I didn't actually enjoy the P part much, so it was videos from her that I used. I am going to do some private journalling about the two paths - one where I heal this shit and the other where I follow what would happen if I give into kink and can't break free.

Got a headache this morning, and am going to treat myself gently today, try not to beat myself up too much, and do that journalling.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
All good @Nico , turn an episode into a lesson. Much to learn here, and more importantly, much to learn about yourself.

Pay extra attention to how you feel over the next few weeks. The body gives lots of clues about what's it's going through and what might be coming.

In time you'll also come to discover that it may not be sexual stimulation that you're after but something deeper and more personal.
 

Nico

Active Member
All good @Nico , turn an episode into a lesson. Much to learn here, and more importantly, much to learn about yourself.

Pay extra attention to how you feel over the next few weeks. The body gives lots of clues about what's it's going through and what might be coming.

In time you'll also come to discover that it may not be sexual stimulation that you're after but something deeper and more personal.
Yes thank you. I have been doing private journalling about what went wrong and what i really want. Meditation is going to help - really sitting with compulsions and turning towards what is happening during those times, in the body, feelings and mind..and returning to that centred still place. I know how to do this but sexual drives or as you say that deeper drive can so easily override the wisdom or higher self. I have to get tougher with this, start meditating a lot more, and put those grey areas in the red zone.
 

Nico

Active Member
And actually that deeper drive - for healthy relationship and connection has a deeper layer, which is the yearning for oneness, unity with what is divine or sacred. I have a range of spiritual practices which help with this, and need to bloody well use them!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Don't be too hard on yourself Nico, 45 days is amazing. Although I count days (others don't) the most important number is the total amount of days you've been clean altogether and not any length or streak. So lets say you do another 45 days next time, well that's 90 days porn free, which is fantastic. The overall picture is what you need to focus on. In general, you're a different man than you were before, and you need to know that.

Best
 

Nico

Active Member
Don't be too hard on yourself Nico, 45 days is amazing. Although I count days (others don't) the most important number is the total amount of days you've been clean altogether and not any length or streak. So lets say you do another 45 days next time, well that's 90 days porn free, which is fantastic. The overall picture is what you need to focus on. In general, you're a different man than you were before, and you need to know that.

Best
Thank you Blondie, that’s helpful to hear and you’re right. I did streaks before that and they all have an effect. Here’s to being better men :)
 

Nico

Active Member
Day 2 - Had a duvet day yesterday as I am off work, so I can! Today I am meeting a friend who is also on day 2, then dancing, so that is good. I feel the need to focus on the positive today as feel a bit down about things, not just my sex and love life but every area really. I guess I am seeing the effects of a slip on motivation, strength, and the sense I am changing my life for the better. I know that the feelings I am feeling need to be felt, and that I need to let the negative thoughts or emotions about my life become fuel to change and improve in many ways before simply trying to change them to positive thoughts. The list of things I have to change can look overwhelming, but if I list a few steps i can take in the right direction that is manageable. A day at a time I can take little steps in the right direction and trust in the process.
 

Nico

Active Member
3. Ok well hopefully it looks like the slip hasn't taken away my motivation and resolve, I feel back on track, and a lot of that is thanks to the forum and chats so am feeling grateful. I am not counting my chickens just yet, am still in the danger zone but have accepted the situation and am no longer giving myself a hard time. I loved dancing last night, just being in the body and music, and connecting with friends, but a muscle popped in my calf so am hobbling around today and can't see myself doing much. Thats ok, all that matters is not acting out or looking at porn. Since the slip I have stuck to my diet well, so will have to find a way to keep exercising and on track as I feel that getting healthy and well is an important part of my recovery. Need to rest the leg today though, which is ok as I stayed up very late and am tired. I know being tired can be a trigger state, so today I will have to watch my urges to overeat, act out and connect in unhealthy ways.

I also did a breathwork session yesterday which was powerful, it helped me change state, shift my energy, release some emotion and connect. It gets me in trance state naturally, and as one youtuber discussed, when I was habitually using I was using porn to create a trance state and energetic container, so it helped me change the way I was feeling and was almost like a ritual. Since I can't really walk I am going to do something similar today, or at least some meditation and prayer.
 

Nico

Active Member
I have been reflecting on my lapse - and I am considering creating a healthy/spiritual MO ritual when I get as horny as I was, because the acting out was driven by a crazed horniness that overrode my resolve, but for now I am hard mode again. I know this is debatable and potentially dangerous, and perhaps there were other ways I could have managed that state, I don't know really. Since I don't have a romantic partner apart from kink connections, sex isn't an option and reluctantly I know it is best not to chase sex and love for a while. I think that trying to release the desire for a relationship would be healthy until I feel closer to being my best self. I wonder if I can shift that obsession to an obsession with my self, with spirituality, health, work, and the never-ending path of healing and self-development..
 

Nico

Active Member
4. As I have been off work I seem to have got in the habit of staying up very late which is stupid really but never mind. If I start a book or tv series, I can often not be able to stop, I guess that is the addict in me but when I start work again i will be more disciplined as usual. Normally I like to travel with my time off, or do trainings or retreats, but having some time alone is nice. Still can't walk so that strategy is out the window for a bit! I had some horny moments yesterday and some blue balls, but porn is not an option.
 

Nico

Active Member
5. I forgot how bad the tension can get, and have returned to putting cold things on my balls which is a welcome relief. Erections feel pretty good and strong, I guess even though I slipped up I was very careful about touch and haven't done that thing where you abuse it while looking at porn trying to get hard and get off for quite a few months now. This makes me happy, and gives me hope that if I carry on PIED will cease to be an issue. I am fairly sure there is also psychological causes - having had this issue there is definitely anxiety and fear around sex, and the explanations and shame that go with it. Anyway all that matters is that I don't return to those bad habits, and visualise my goal which certainly isn't celibacy!!
 

Nico

Active Member
6. Last day off work, going to relax and enjoy myself. Had a good day yesterday, I finished 'Going Deeper' and might share some of the learning on here at some point but it was perfect reading for looking at triggers and trauma. Then I was reading a book about energy and healing, which blew my mind, and inspired me to spend some time giving myself reiki and meditating. Had a good chat with my sister as it was an anniversary of our mother's death, and we talked about our pretty screwed up family. Felt and shared a lot of appreciation for how close we are.
So today, again, a bit of focus on recovery and healing, some meditation, relax, sit through any triggers or pain. This inner work, and recovery, has to be my priority. Ok life isn't how I would want it to look, and its easy to see through eyes that colour everything with darkness, or rather its easy to allow my life and environment, or thoughts about it, to trigger my sense of being broken, a failure or not being good enough. This is my number one trigger these days, but i can choose to see things differently, and soothe the inner child that must be traumatised by that.
Anyway change is always happening, and I can make changes happen too. Just for today I will try to celebrate my life, and myself, and have faith that change is happening and that love and a better job and home are coming. I need to appreciate where I am at, see the lessons, see it as an in-between phase, a cocoon where I can heal and become ready for a brighter future.
 

Nico

Active Member
Just remembered today is my sobriety birthday and I am 10 years sober. I got into recovery in 2001 but had a relapse, so often feel like I ought to be 21 - but thats typical of me, I want to be able to celebrate things without the kind of subtle stick that I beat myself with! Anyway it just shows, once I could never have imagined life without drink, and really could see no way out. Now I never think about it, except maybe on a date I fleetingly miss being able to soothe my nerves! So of course getting to a state where I don't think about PMO and acting out is going to happen. In a few years or months I could be having incredible love and tantric sex with a goddess and this will all seem like a different life!
 

Nico

Active Member
7. Nice to have a week since my lapse, and have had some time off to work on it too. Can't spend much time journalling now as am getting ready to go back to work. Half dreading turning my work phone on as anything can happen in two weeks where I work. Anyway, another fairly good day yesterday and spent some time making a gratitude list and visualising where I want to get to. Still feel tired a lot, and getting emotions coming in at random times - I have been trying to stop and turn towards these, and let myself feel, grieve, cry, instead of rapidly distracting or trying to soothe. I was reading that beating this thing requires us to learn to be with pain and triggers, dive into them instead of running away. Its actually better, they pass more quickly, they aren't so bad, and there is nothing in a feeling that HAS to lead to escaping or acting out..
 

Nico

Active Member
8. Well, back into the rhythms of work, feeling stupid for being so tired on my first day and not regulating sleep better. Oh well, its a work in progress. No desire or temptation, had a takeaway last night and managed not to act out after, which is the old pattern. Watching TV till late again, and something triggered a good cry which I think I needed. Off to work, for an overnight, should be fine there, I am much better at getting to bed early as I know I will be woken early, why can't I do that at home!? I have been trying for a while now to be more regulated with sleep patterns. I used to love dancing all night, and in recovery writing music in the early hours, or through the night, but these days its simply watching TV addictively..and it should be easy to just get to sleep! This weekend I am going to try to be more disciplined, as what I can get done in the mornings is so much more productive. Anyway, Ive used porn twice in about 3 months, so this is progress and change. Just for today I will try to be really present with the guys I am working with, and try to find time for some recovery work, reading and meditation.
 

Nico

Active Member
9. I've noticed a soft version of the fuck it button, like a prototype! I might be judging myself or looking at a couple, and catch thoughts of never being good enough or being able to have that, as if love is for other people. This is a childhood echo and a call to heal. If I think about a future relationship I have anxiety about being enough, being able to satisfy/love/bring joy, about performance and whether I can rewire kink to tantra. So these thoughts have led to thoughts about giving up the fight, why bother, may as well accept it. I have been able to catch these, as there is a familiar danger to this kind of thinking.

I have a restlessness to me at the moment, like waiting for a few things to shift in my life (some that are out of my control, and trying to take action on what I can) so its so easy for judgements about my life to lead to craving/negative thinking, to that wishing for things to be otherwise. There is nothing inherent in reality, in the senses, that is wrong or shows I am screwed up or unlovable - that is all interpretation and not true. Next time I notice these thoughts or judgements I am going to try to really see that truth.

What I have to do is create more faith/gratitude, keep trying to heal the roots, and be more mindful of these processes; sitting and looking into sensations, noticing there is nothing wrong here and now, noticing how judgements and thoughts have created well worn neural pathways; triggers leading to wishing life was other than it is, which can also lead to self hatred or depression. Thoughts and feelings just float through awareness like clouds in a sky - and beyond them in the boundless blue sky of awareness there is nothing wrong and no judgements or thoughts. I used to be good at shifting from thoughts to awareness, like opening into spacious peace - and feel the need to practise this again as this is such a good way to unwind craving. With practice, not just in meditation but through the day, the peace becomes more available and pervasive. What is a thought really, it flashes through awareness and passes into nothingness, and yet can affect and dictate my experience. I know this process falls apart when I open from the small mind that thoughts fill and seem so powerful, into boundless awareness where they lose all power, like tiny gusts of wind in infinite space.

And somewhere in that sky, whether it is shining or obscured, is the sun. A guiding light, the brightness, faith and love. I remember there is a higher power, and that I do love myself, as otherwise why would I have bothered to get sober and spend decades seeking and finding. Ok I am not so good at basic physical self-care, but in other ways i have really loved myself, and others. I feel like this other addiction is a call to deeper healing, wounds I may have bypassed, and i know from past experience that on the other side of times of suffering and growth lie brighter times.
 

Nico

Active Member
10. Well so much for the early night, I think dancing gives me so much energy and good feelings that I can't sleep, but that is excuses really. It is daft because late at night and very tired I was very tempted - a combination of tv and an image on twitter really made me want more. Its like a thirst. Anyway I caught it and got myself to sleep. I think this is the first time non-kink related sexual triggers have got to me - perhaps the seeds were sown by dancing with some beautiful women. In a way this is positive, a change - it was literally driven by longing for the female form and beauty rather than anything darker. I think that is how I decide to see it anyway!

All that bullshit i posted yesterday flies out the window when I am tired, and it comes down to sheer grit and the decision. It is easy to talk the talk when I feel motivated, rested, and strong, but its the times when I don't that I need to prepare for. Fatigue, hunger, despair, horniness, 'grey' areas. I might write myself a letter I can read when i am lost in temptation/feelings.

I am also getting emotional when I see love or community or family, which is a need, and shows me what I really want. I realised this week I am still grieving my last healthy relationship, and still can't understand what went wrong - that falling in love was so beautiful, I really miss it, and her, even 18 months on. I was doing well with PMO and kink with her, she was very supportive and loving, and when it went wrong I slingshotted right back into bad habits, like it was a coping mechanism for the pain. Tbf I was close to relapsing on alcohol, so I just did the best I could with heartbreak.

Today I am going to go back to my why, or rewrite it. I can be a sad guy isolating and fapping, with my feelings of worth and value, fitness and mental health declining further, or I can become someone much stronger and more attractive. I know that just doing this today and not giving in will improve that self-esteem, drop by drop, day by day
 
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