39. Feel better about recovery today, had a nasty headache yesterday and had to cancel some plans. I get them fairly often from the occipital area going over to my eye, and sometimes they are debilitating. Got it again today, but not quite as bad. I think its from my snowboarding days, Later today or tomorrow I am going to London, and am looking forward to seeing my family and old friends although i am aware there are triggers; chiefly my Dad's complex marriage (she is unwell, and its taking its toll on him, she is demanding of him at the best of times) some dynamics with my sister and stepsisters, and the fact I've gained weight since last time I was there, partly from fatigue/overworking but mainly dating a feeder..and that usually gets some comments.
Due to my kink I have a complex relationships with my weight - I love it and hate it. It was sexy and fun with the feeder, but I knew it couldn't last and losing weight and doing this feels so much more wholesome, and I want a healthy life and relationship. My weight has gone up and down with this conflict. Its annoying to me as I get a lot of judgement, and I often can't exactly explain the reasons so people just assume what people assume. My sister knows, she was in 12 steps for food at the same time I was with alcohol so we are very close. Oh well, i've taken off some of the weight, and its going well.
Last time I was in London was not long after breaking up with my ex, who was clear from the start that she wasn't into my kink and didn't like my body. This upset me at the time, and possibly should have been a red flag but I was in love and wanting to change, so used it as fuel. We did yoga together and walks, and it was great actually, eating well but healthily. So by the end I was looking good and my family were really happy with how i looked. It did make me a little uneasy in the bedroom with my ex, and was a relief after that being with someone who loved bigger guys, I could sort of relax a bit. One extreme to the other, but in reality both wanted me to change just in different ways. Anyway if there is judgement and comments, I am going to take them as consequences of my addiction rather than personally.
I will have to stay focused on recovery, getting on here and reading while I am there, it would be too easy to be swept up with family stuff. My strategy to deal with drama and triggers will be to take time to meditate/journal in their garden, and call friends or get on here if tempted or triggered. Also to focus on accepting everyone as they are, and giving and helping rather than on my stuff.
Due to my kink I have a complex relationships with my weight - I love it and hate it. It was sexy and fun with the feeder, but I knew it couldn't last and losing weight and doing this feels so much more wholesome, and I want a healthy life and relationship. My weight has gone up and down with this conflict. Its annoying to me as I get a lot of judgement, and I often can't exactly explain the reasons so people just assume what people assume. My sister knows, she was in 12 steps for food at the same time I was with alcohol so we are very close. Oh well, i've taken off some of the weight, and its going well.
Last time I was in London was not long after breaking up with my ex, who was clear from the start that she wasn't into my kink and didn't like my body. This upset me at the time, and possibly should have been a red flag but I was in love and wanting to change, so used it as fuel. We did yoga together and walks, and it was great actually, eating well but healthily. So by the end I was looking good and my family were really happy with how i looked. It did make me a little uneasy in the bedroom with my ex, and was a relief after that being with someone who loved bigger guys, I could sort of relax a bit. One extreme to the other, but in reality both wanted me to change just in different ways. Anyway if there is judgement and comments, I am going to take them as consequences of my addiction rather than personally.
I will have to stay focused on recovery, getting on here and reading while I am there, it would be too easy to be swept up with family stuff. My strategy to deal with drama and triggers will be to take time to meditate/journal in their garden, and call friends or get on here if tempted or triggered. Also to focus on accepting everyone as they are, and giving and helping rather than on my stuff.