Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

Rain2000

Member
It is good to remember that love is born out of attraction.
So while we are attracted towards others it is also important to remain attractive ourselves.
And the best way to be attractive is to be interesting.

Forget partners for the moment and be wholely interested with yourself.
What do you like to do?
What do you like to eat?
Why are you interested in this and that?
Why does this or that does what it does?
Whats there to do this weekend and the next?
Etc etc

Consider self interest and self attraction a simple reboot/rehab project.

Give it a few weeks, you'll discover
1. You'll not be so partner hungry
2. You'll be busier with more self interest projects
3. You'll become significantly more attractive and more people will take interest in you

You got this!
This is such great advice - being 'self' focused rather than 'other' focused is a great place to start when changing core beliefs.
 

Rain2000

Member
Focus on your overall change in behaviour not the streak length - because you are right you have very little P use in a long time.

A better future is ahead :)
I agree with this wholeheartedly - look at the change over the long term.

I had a six month PMO free streak (albeit not MO free) and I feel that has put me in good stead for the future.

This image really does sum it up - you can learn from every relapse 1667400000828.png
 

Nico

Active Member
Thanks TAN, Rain and GBS!

Well day 3. I still have this ambivalence going on, was tempted very late last night, but didn't use out of sheer bloody mindedness and MO'd instead. The good news is the MO was not kink related, and focused on good sex with someone I fancy! Small victories..
I really don't understand where this ambivalence is coming from, but I am clear I want my sexual power and confidence back, and you would think that that is enough motivation. Anyway, I am going to focus on today, gathering motivation, the small victory last night...and tonight I sleep over at work so temptation is reduced (not that that stopped me in the past lol)

Tomorrow I have a coffee arranged with a lovely woman before dance. I find it interesting that she very much made the moves, and that I haven't found the drive to ask out women I want to ask out, so I am asking myself questions about this passivity or lack of confidence. That is linked to the low confidence, and that low confidence is caused by porn, so there we go. She is very interesting though, and not unattractive, so I am curious to see how it goes. I want to get to know her and see what feelings develop, if its friendship that is fine too - and yes that may be the fear of intimacy and ED talking!!
 
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Nico

Active Member
4. Thinking this morning about the costs of the addiction, and how much it has taken away. For a long time relationships were quite vanilla, and the internet was where I explored and enjoyed kinks. But its not just the relationships I did have that were affected but the ones that didn't happen due to my brain thinking I was getting my needs met, or as PMO took away the ability to have sex, my confidence preventing me from approaching or starting relationships. It is so bloody pathetic and tragic, and yes that might sound harsh but I need to stoke my fire, and the more pain (and behaviours that are harmful to me and others) I can associate with porn, the better.

I was journalling privately about who I want to become, not just for a partner but for myself. The first thing that came up was virility and confidence, so there is motivation it is just a matter of tapping into it and keeping it alive. The rest of what I wrote about was to do with health and fitness (again linked with PMO for me) realising potential in various ways, being of service, creative projects, and more material needs. I am doing well with fitness, and yes I am going to say the PMO even though there's been a slip or two. My plan is to go hardish mode, to build energy again, but am going to focus on mindful self pleasuring and enjoying the sensations and energy. This is with no goal of orgasm, but simply to enjoy smaller waves of pleasure and practise dropping out of fantasy and into soma.

I've realised my count started on the 1st November, which makes it easy - I may not manage no nut, but I WILL do no porn November!
 
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Nico

Active Member
5. Just emotional today, body is sore as my other calf went last night. The date got postponed, which triggered some uncertainty and rejection, even though she probably just had to work late as she said. Had a lot of temptations late last night, opened a site, looked, closed it, got myself to bed. I still don't know why I look sometimes - and its always when I am really tired. I have to try to get more disciplined about sleep, but am pleased with how I have changed on this journey in terms of food, exercise and fitness. I haven't contacted my obsession for a few weeks too, and feel as though I might be cutting those cords albeit with a bit of bitterness and anger towards her.

I just watched an amazing documentary about Richie McCaw, which was an emotional journey taking me back through world cups and supporting the all blacks over the years. 2007, getting knocked out of the cup just after my mum died, watching with all my kiwi relatives and that night the grief really kicked in. 2011 I barely remember as I was on an alcohol relapse, 2015 getting divorced. It was inspiring and well made, and there was a good section about staying strong when things are going wrong and falling apart, when you are losing control. What moved me was the inevitable comparison with my life, but also the pride of his family and country, and I felt a longing to make my father proud somehow before he passes.
There are times in my job where I feel I am making a difference, and times when I just feel like I am spinning the wheels and wasting my life. I feel its really important to switch stories right now, as i am telling myself quite dark ones about who I am and how my life is. It feels very empty at the moment, and I have to remind myself of the role porn has played in making it that way. I need to remember the kind of drive I felt when I wanted to serve buddhism in the world, and reconnect with a higher purpose for life. Ok I have made a difference in some lives, but like McCaw I want to do better, be better, and find that fire again. Quitting porn will undoubtedly help switch the stories, dropping the shame and the sense of being a miserable fuckup of a man. Thank God all things must change..and its up to me to do what I can to let that change flow in a positive direction
 

Nico

Active Member
End of day 8 - haven't been on here so much over the last few days as i have either been busy or distracting myself from using porn in other ways. I am ok, just sort of trying to be at peace with being in an in-between phase that seems to go on and on. They say full moon is a good time to let things go and manifest, so I am letting go of my old sexual being and calling in change!
 

Nico

Active Member
11. Been a wobbly week; bad headaches and sleep, and still have low motivation and mood. Had a look a couple of times at things I shouldn't, then tore myself away to try to distract myself or relax.
Yet another crypto crash hasn't helped, and usually leads to beating myself up, and a need to soothe. I took quite a risk on it, and at times like this it looks like a foolish move and is why my living situation is a kind of purgatory - my intention was to try to fund a healing centre of some kind. Anyway, I am more zen about it than I was - and need to have faith. I also know I need to be focusing on reading and spiritual practices but can't seem to find the motivation at the moment.
I still feel it would be good to go hard mode for another streak but am allowing myself to accept I am not in the best place and doing my best to get through a trying time, to relax and just not look at porn. I am working overtime this weekend, but will try to do some reading and practices over the next few days. I did MO on Weds, fantasising about a woman I have met rather than kink, and focused on moving into sensations. Progress not perfection..
 
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GBS

Respected Member
@Nico . I am the bore on here championing hard mode. It worked a treat for me. I would agree that you need to be ready for the challenge, but don’t be too easy on yourself in accepting that challenge. Likewise don’t try something you know you can’t do. Helpful, huh? 🤷
 

Nico

Active Member
13. Things are still not easy at the moment, and have looked at a few things I shouldn't, but no PMO or MO for 5 days. Hanging in there but very aware stress and fatigue makes porn very tempting. I don't want to relapse, but I can sense it coming. The only way around this is to do loads of inner work and gratitude, and need to find the energy! I wouldn't mind if it was one area of life going wrong, but it is literally every area lol. That's how it is, not a lot to say at the moment, just got to weather the storm. Just for today I will try to do one thing which leads to a more positive state - a meditation or walk or something. It really is back to basics!
 

Nico

Active Member
14. Ok so I have been really down for a while, how much of that is due to quitting porn (or trying to) and how much is just life I am not sure. I did a bit of private journalling where i listed all the parts of my life that feel like a mess, and set out some ideas about how to improve each one. I used a tool I know which is to write about the future, in this case I was taking the spring next year as a marker. In this, I wrote about how life would look if I can take the actions I need to in terms of health, energy, PMO, weight (things I can change) and how it would look if I dive deeper into my cups and lose myself in porn and unhealthy habits. It was very motivating, and I feel more resolution returning just from doing that. My weight loss is going well, that is one positive, but the one thing I want to focus on is regulating sleep better so my energy levels have a chance.

The things I can't change, I have to change my thinking around, see those parts of my life in a different light, a temporary light. I know that writing gratitude lists is the key for this. Also, I may have shared about this before - but I read a book in early alcohol recovery about a man in a concentration camp in the war who managed to teach himself to stay positive. The way he did it was by a simple practice where he looked around and looked for what he could be grateful for, whether if it was basic like a bed, a little food, some water, someone to talk to, or beautiful like an act of kindness, a sunset..and in time he trained himself to always see what was good and positive rather than seeing what is wrong, bad, or missing. I know this works because I have come out of some deep holes before doing things like this.

I am actually around day 6 no MO, so I feel to let this grow a little. I have to stop dithering with all this. Just for today, I am going to write a gratitude list, and every time I feel that sinking feeling, low self worth, or fear over finances/crypto, I am going to try to stop and notice what is good or beautiful.
 

Nico

Active Member
15. Well I managed to do that exercise once, but thats not enough to change my mindset lol..tbh I forgot while I was at work. So today I will try to do that again, and keep doing it until I feel better about things. I feel pretty annoyed with myself for knowing all the tools I need to use - meditation, gratitude, etc but not bloody doing them!
Anyway feels like a new chapter with this addiction, the dithering and peeking is done, and since I am at a week of no MO I may as well go for another hard mode streak, although I am not against some mindful touch/pleasure if I feel to for rewiring purposes and a nice distraction. I feel the same resolve I felt yesterday and reading threads on here has helped so thank you.
 

Nico

Active Member
16 PMO, 7 MO. I am learning how aware I have to be of fatigue. Had a crap nights sleep at work on Monday, woken up at 3am, then last night some weird dreams woke me up at around the same time, in an absolute state, and found myself on tumblr scrolling for dopamine. Had to tear myself away, so I know I need to get super vigilant tonight as I am shattered. First though, its a case of get through the day at work running on coffee! So my plan tonight is to get home, and basically just watch a movie and do a hypnosis in bed - or get on here if tempted. Its frustrating, just as the resolve and drive returns, fatigue tears it down and sees me in danger of lapsing. On the plus side, I did do some gratitude yesterday, particularly at dance - felt so lucky to have a space to let go, move, be in the body, and connect with people!
 

Nico

Active Member
Hey, sorry. I am ok, but had covid so wasn't on here. Now back into the fray with work and doing overtime to make up for lost pay!
 
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Nico

Active Member
Was totally wiped out with covid and fatigue from it, and this didn't help my recovery at all. Keep trying to get a few days, and didn't really see the point in posting about relapsing but sorry for causing any concern. I was losing motivation before, but am struggling with PMO again. I will post more again when I feel I am back on the wagon :)
 

Nico

Active Member
Thanks Simon, so much truth in a sentence. Well I am day 4 now, giving it another shot. I had another nasty bug which helped actually, ashamed to say that once this thing gets a hold on me I find it hard not to procrastinate etc. I can't say I feel confident but I do feel sick and tired of it. So I am feeling humbled, anxious about how hard this seems to be, no grand plans or promises, but just for today I will avoid it, and once I feel better I see I need to make this my absolute priority and get involved on here again - l am grateful for this forum and the support, and look forward to catching up on everyone's journey soon.. 🙏
 

Nico

Active Member
Day 5. All that matters is getting to day 6..I am just going to try to drop the stories of failure and 'I can't do this'..and just really focus on today. Still sick but less fever and am breathing easier/not coughing all the time, so it is turning around but am still taking myself back into bed as I have sore eyes. What I am going to tell myself is that when i feel well enough to pmo, I am well enough to get on here and read/write!
 
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