Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!
- Thread starter Nico
- Start date
Made it to day 6 - now all that matters is getting to 7 which will be my christmas present to myself. I am trying to keep it simple because I know I am tired and weak at the moment after covid and this other thing, and had quite a lot of negative thought patterns and stories to try and turn around. I lived with someone once in a dry house who told me never to listen to my head when sick. I have this horrible tendency of looking at the way things are and assuming this is it, instead of knowing it will change and using it to motivate me rather than flatten me.
Day 7. Just got home from a night shift I had to take even though not quite well yet (company sick policy, nightmare) A colleague who was cooking all the xmas meals for our clients offered me one so Ive got some xmas food thanks to that kindness. I cancelled going back to see family due to illness and overtime. I am feeling a promise to myself that this will be the last christmas like this, and am aware of the changes I need to make. Anyway I am not feeling sorry for myself, I feel good, got home, did some tidying, read some threads on here, got moved, got inspired..thank you RN and happy christmas.
The only thing that really matters today is making sure day 8 happens..
The only thing that really matters today is making sure day 8 happens..
Day 8. I was almost expecting to feel self pity yesterday being alone after working, but had a lovely day and have given myself this gift. I just need to keep seeing this as a gift rather than a struggle which it honestly has been. I feel a lot better, but very tired and still coughing. One thing I loved yesterday was getting back from work, checking in on here, then getting into bed with nice clean sheets, and doing some meditation then hypnosis, drifting in and out of dreams. Then I watched a series I have been saving, and it was really good! One of my fairly close female friends texted that she loves me, which threw me a little as she has never said that before and I wasn't sure how to respond since i had no idea whether she meant like a friend or more romantic! So I just replied "Thanks, love you too.." with a few emojis!! I do, she is quite an amazing person. It must be the season for it, as my first love has been in touch as well, hinting at this and that.
Anyway I have this sense that love is coming back into my life, but all that truly matters is making sure I get to day 9 - going back to work for an overnight, which is good as its easier to avoid at work.
Anyway I have this sense that love is coming back into my life, but all that truly matters is making sure I get to day 9 - going back to work for an overnight, which is good as its easier to avoid at work.
Reflecting on my relapse; I realise looking back how exhausted and low I was feeling, and how I started to isolate again, even from here. I can see that my efforts at recovery also took it out of me a bit, and I began to see it as a battle. After my second or third slip, I literally couldn't find the energy or power needed to start again as it felt overwhelming, so I convinced myself I needed a break! So its a matter of perspective, but mainly energy. I didn't really enjoy the relapse, except perhaps the first one or two binges, porn stopped arousing me and it was like I was making myself do it. Several times I gave up in disgust, realising it doesn't do it for me any more, seeing it differently less of a magic playground and more like a dark prison. There was also the decline in self-esteem, which is inevitable, and more and more negative self talk. That terrible feeling of watching a sexual scene in a movie, and feeling as though I cant do that, I am not a man any more..because I am twisted up through technology and weakness.
The two things I want to focus on to give myself a change - belief and self care.
Belief. I realise I have to believe I can do this, in spite of the evidence for the prosecution! Its so easy to start telling myself I can't do it, or need a partner, or better life circumstances. Excuses in other words. I have to replace these stories with empowering ones. Your stories and successes are so important to me for this. I get frustrated as I have all the tools and wisdom to do it, loads of spiritual and recovery experience and yet can't manage this one or do a reboot! So that has to become - I can and will do a fucking reboot.
Self care is about energy - without the energy I can't stay motivated. I have to have a hard look at my working patterns and self care if I am to have any hope of succeeding with a reboot. Its a catch 22, because to reduce my hours I need to put effort into developing my business, but don't have the energy lol. I do wonder if there is something beneath that though, some kind of fear of trying, feelings of not being good enough etc.
Anyway I can and must care for myself a lot better within my current circumstances, that comes first and it's basic self love. Be super aware of energy levels, and doing all I can to increase energy. I accept that I seem very prone to deep fatigue, so have to really focus on this. If I can't love myself I can't hope to love someone else. I need to clean house - internally and externally. Meditation, cleaning, exercise, good sleep and nutrition. Then when I feel better in myself, and when the reboot energy kicks in I can focus on creating changes. Keep it simple, remember where good feelings come from, and it certainly isn't from porn.
The two things I want to focus on to give myself a change - belief and self care.
Belief. I realise I have to believe I can do this, in spite of the evidence for the prosecution! Its so easy to start telling myself I can't do it, or need a partner, or better life circumstances. Excuses in other words. I have to replace these stories with empowering ones. Your stories and successes are so important to me for this. I get frustrated as I have all the tools and wisdom to do it, loads of spiritual and recovery experience and yet can't manage this one or do a reboot! So that has to become - I can and will do a fucking reboot.
Self care is about energy - without the energy I can't stay motivated. I have to have a hard look at my working patterns and self care if I am to have any hope of succeeding with a reboot. Its a catch 22, because to reduce my hours I need to put effort into developing my business, but don't have the energy lol. I do wonder if there is something beneath that though, some kind of fear of trying, feelings of not being good enough etc.
Anyway I can and must care for myself a lot better within my current circumstances, that comes first and it's basic self love. Be super aware of energy levels, and doing all I can to increase energy. I accept that I seem very prone to deep fatigue, so have to really focus on this. If I can't love myself I can't hope to love someone else. I need to clean house - internally and externally. Meditation, cleaning, exercise, good sleep and nutrition. Then when I feel better in myself, and when the reboot energy kicks in I can focus on creating changes. Keep it simple, remember where good feelings come from, and it certainly isn't from porn.
Day 9. No problem, no temptation yesterday whatsoever - wound down at work with a bath and a novel. I am pleased as some motivation seems to be back, and I cant do this without motivation. I am doing hard mode, for now. Had a broken sleep at work, so this evening may be more challenging - and sadly there is no dance on a tuesday for a while, so will have to find another release or exercise mid week. I have been meaning to start some yoga again, so thats an option, but have arranged to meet an AA friend after work for a catchup and can talk about this stuff with him.
All that really matters is getting to day 10. For some reason Ive started saying this every day, like a mantra, and it seems to help - just one simple focus, keeping it in the day. Another 80 days feels too overwhelming and brings up anxiety about how hard it got around day 45 last tiime, and fear of failure, but a day at a time I can do this.
All that really matters is getting to day 10. For some reason Ive started saying this every day, like a mantra, and it seems to help - just one simple focus, keeping it in the day. Another 80 days feels too overwhelming and brings up anxiety about how hard it got around day 45 last tiime, and fear of failure, but a day at a time I can do this.
GBS
Respected Member
I have on tip for you @Nico - this has stayed with me. I do NOT want to be the old me. If I don’t, then watching porn is not an option obviously. Don’t go back to the old Nico, love the new one and keep him as the standard. Hard mode is hard, but less so when you rejoice in who you are slowly becoming.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Hey @Nico my friend……sorry you’re going through a rough time again. I’ve just started listening to a new audiobook called Manifest - 7 steps to living your best life by Roxi Nafousi. It talks a lot about how self love is the underpinning of everything and how fear holds us back. As I started listening to it, I thought about how helpful it would be for you guys on here, to visualise the the life you want and the men you want to be….. a bit like what @GBS is saying. Interestingly enough the author had her own battle with addiction and lack of purpose.
10. Feels good to get to 10 again, no idea why, it just does. I know what it took to get back on here I guess, but also feel some hope again. Felt really tired and listless when I got home from work, so I put on some hypnosis tracks and dozed, then read a novel for a while. There was temptation, but no peeking.
I met up with a friend yesterday who used to be a colleague, who was asking if I had chronic fatigue syndrome. He knows the effects this job can have on you, and feels better for leaving. Anyway I can't right now so thats that, but do need to start taking steps in a new direction. All that really matters today though is making sure I get to day 11 safe and sound, and getting into a new audiobook - thanks Beautiful!
I met up with a friend yesterday who used to be a colleague, who was asking if I had chronic fatigue syndrome. He knows the effects this job can have on you, and feels better for leaving. Anyway I can't right now so thats that, but do need to start taking steps in a new direction. All that really matters today though is making sure I get to day 11 safe and sound, and getting into a new audiobook - thanks Beautiful!
11. Last night was ok, but couldn't get to sleep and felt restless even though I was tired. I guess it must be withdrawals. No temptation to look, just passing thoughts, so I just distracted myself with twitter and youtube. I did have a little play at one point but stopped myself as I noticed arousal built up really fast, so no MO. I have been watching a lot of psychology videos trying to understand more about personality disorders, which has been interesting as a lot of my clients have various diagnoses and have vague thoughts of studying psychology.
Well I guess I am back in recovery, the motivation is obviously there, enough to get me through a pretty shitty week. I just hope retention helps with this fatigue as I am sick of it. Even today, tried replying to a few threads and couldn't, brain fog, sore eyes which is still happening on coffee number 2! Off to work shortly, and just going to get to day 12, knowing that that is the most important thing in my life right now. I started listening to that Manifest audiobook, and am enjoying the opportunity to reflect on what I want, who I want to become - its a good time of the year to be thinking about that.
Well I guess I am back in recovery, the motivation is obviously there, enough to get me through a pretty shitty week. I just hope retention helps with this fatigue as I am sick of it. Even today, tried replying to a few threads and couldn't, brain fog, sore eyes which is still happening on coffee number 2! Off to work shortly, and just going to get to day 12, knowing that that is the most important thing in my life right now. I started listening to that Manifest audiobook, and am enjoying the opportunity to reflect on what I want, who I want to become - its a good time of the year to be thinking about that.
12. Similar restlessness last night at work, and gnawing temptations to check a fetish social media site which I resisted and read another novel and settled down with a hypnosis again - which I am finding so helpful as its like being meditated really. I have started to try and do chunks of meditation when I can, as I know even short sessions benefit, and gradually get in the habit of longer sits as it most definitely leads to happiness.
What else gives me happiness? Dance, music, women, sex, beauty/nature, gratitude, doing things for others/service, friends, deep chats, creative projects, books, wisdom, giving and receiving massage/healing..and I may as well include some things from the past when I was a bit more spritely like snowboarding, martial arts, and surfing. What always seemed to but doesn't is porn, fetish, and alcohol/soft drugs. Actually there is a lot that fits that category, and I am reminded of the futility of hoping to find lasting satisfaction in a world where everything is impermanent. And yet I do, time and time again, somehow find something to focus on (eg a healing centre, or a beautiful home, or relationship) and fall into the trap of wanting it really badly and assuming I will become happy if...and boom, my happiness is misplaced somewhere in the future!
So meditation helps me to remember it is found here and now only, and I can cultivate that whilst also working towards something. Its just remembering where happiness comes from and where it is found. Its a relief to remind myself of this because I get lost in stories about needing to change my work life and do this or that, but its the inner life that matters. I could achieve something amazing but if my mind is troubled and seeking happiness in things or the future, it will never satisfy me.
Anyway - all that matters is getting to day 13, oh, and doing some meditation lol
What else gives me happiness? Dance, music, women, sex, beauty/nature, gratitude, doing things for others/service, friends, deep chats, creative projects, books, wisdom, giving and receiving massage/healing..and I may as well include some things from the past when I was a bit more spritely like snowboarding, martial arts, and surfing. What always seemed to but doesn't is porn, fetish, and alcohol/soft drugs. Actually there is a lot that fits that category, and I am reminded of the futility of hoping to find lasting satisfaction in a world where everything is impermanent. And yet I do, time and time again, somehow find something to focus on (eg a healing centre, or a beautiful home, or relationship) and fall into the trap of wanting it really badly and assuming I will become happy if...and boom, my happiness is misplaced somewhere in the future!
So meditation helps me to remember it is found here and now only, and I can cultivate that whilst also working towards something. Its just remembering where happiness comes from and where it is found. Its a relief to remind myself of this because I get lost in stories about needing to change my work life and do this or that, but its the inner life that matters. I could achieve something amazing but if my mind is troubled and seeking happiness in things or the future, it will never satisfy me.
Anyway - all that matters is getting to day 13, oh, and doing some meditation lol
BigChanges66
Member
Well said Nico. I have long history of "everything will be better if I just ... ". Focusing on now has been, and continues to be, so helpful.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Hey gorgeous one, do you think you could post the link so I can have a listen. x
Sure - I like this one
and various channels. It is kind of subjective as different voices appeal to different people. I listen to Michael Sealey, Unlock your Life, Pura Rasa, Rising Higher as well. There are so many, but I have been finding ones about relaxation, self worth, manifesting, healing, even inner child healing!
13. Some stress yesterday at work, and was paid a lot less than I should be - I know I was sick but I think there's been a mistake which made me anxious as I am going to have a lean month. Anyway I had a nice evening, watched the new Avatar, in fact watched both of them and I have to admit those movies touch something in me, and got quite emotional. I think its the way the people live, in connection with nature and each other. I did have a moment's temptation late at night afterwards, but reigned it in. Its crazy, this was literally after feeling so solid in my resolve, and focusing on what I want which is great sex, which got me doing some light M. It was fairly good vanilla fantasy about good sex, until suddenly it wasn't..so I stopped. In a way it is good, getting clear about what I want to bring in to my life, and what I need to do. This will be a nice overtime free weekend - I have booked on a ritual and dance evening tonight, and am seeing someone tomorrow that will probably result in some touch and cuddles which I am looking forward to.
So once again, all that matters is seeing in 2023 as I mean to go on, with two weeks clean time. I am adopting this mantra, all that matters is getting to day 14, and its working for me for now, not because its a great number or pride, but because it really helps me keep it in the day, bite size chunks of recovery really.
So once again, all that matters is seeing in 2023 as I mean to go on, with two weeks clean time. I am adopting this mantra, all that matters is getting to day 14, and its working for me for now, not because its a great number or pride, but because it really helps me keep it in the day, bite size chunks of recovery really.