I am tired and feeling messed up and confused this morning - another crap night sleep, and I have worked 150 hours in two weeks.
i have written three very long and exposing posts about fetish this morning, then shifted them to a private journal, for reasons lol. I still have ambivalence, and a big question as to whether I can have a fulfilling relationship and sex life without it. This is all so important to my recovery, but feels so much more complex and overwhelming than quitting porn.
The upshot is that I have to keep working on the beliefs about it, break contact with HER, do some more therapy and work on core wounds, and throw myself into tantra again. Therapy could help with the root causes of all the self destruction and addictions I have battled. I tried it before but had to stop when my mother died. Tantra seems to be the only glimpses I have had of freedom from it, and I love it. It marries my spiritual side with my hedonistic side. If I can find a partner who wants to explore tantra with me, and is wise around healing, there is hope!
That aside, tomorrow is 40 days porn free, and I am going to get there safe and sound. Porn will absolutely not soothe any of these feelings but will just create more of them!
i have written three very long and exposing posts about fetish this morning, then shifted them to a private journal, for reasons lol. I still have ambivalence, and a big question as to whether I can have a fulfilling relationship and sex life without it. This is all so important to my recovery, but feels so much more complex and overwhelming than quitting porn.
The upshot is that I have to keep working on the beliefs about it, break contact with HER, do some more therapy and work on core wounds, and throw myself into tantra again. Therapy could help with the root causes of all the self destruction and addictions I have battled. I tried it before but had to stop when my mother died. Tantra seems to be the only glimpses I have had of freedom from it, and I love it. It marries my spiritual side with my hedonistic side. If I can find a partner who wants to explore tantra with me, and is wise around healing, there is hope!
That aside, tomorrow is 40 days porn free, and I am going to get there safe and sound. Porn will absolutely not soothe any of these feelings but will just create more of them!