Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

Nico

Active Member
I am tired and feeling messed up and confused this morning - another crap night sleep, and I have worked 150 hours in two weeks.

i have written three very long and exposing posts about fetish this morning, then shifted them to a private journal, for reasons lol. I still have ambivalence, and a big question as to whether I can have a fulfilling relationship and sex life without it. This is all so important to my recovery, but feels so much more complex and overwhelming than quitting porn.

The upshot is that I have to keep working on the beliefs about it, break contact with HER, do some more therapy and work on core wounds, and throw myself into tantra again. Therapy could help with the root causes of all the self destruction and addictions I have battled. I tried it before but had to stop when my mother died. Tantra seems to be the only glimpses I have had of freedom from it, and I love it. It marries my spiritual side with my hedonistic side. If I can find a partner who wants to explore tantra with me, and is wise around healing, there is hope!

That aside, tomorrow is 40 days porn free, and I am going to get there safe and sound. Porn will absolutely not soothe any of these feelings but will just create more of them!
 

Nico

Active Member
Ok so just visited a friend before work who is practising her craniosacral therapy on me - and we talk about what's really happening. Talked about her stuff, then through my whole process, and it was good to hear her reflections and just talk about it. During the therapy I became quite relaxed, and had a thought come up about fetish/her - and an interesting thing happened. So thoughts for me often come with images, and I saw an image of her, then suddenly the image was kind of rubber stamped with PAIN in big red letters, and then vanished. i take some hope from this, that clearly in the subconscious realms of image/dream/metaphor, something must have shifted.

Also, I have to remember basic mindfulness. None of this stuff is real right now, except when thoughts and urges come up, and even then its JUST thoughts and urges. There is nothing real about them. There is no problem here and now. Perhaps I am coming to clarity around it finally. Hope springs eternal...lol
 

Nico

Active Member
I am thinking about something from buddhist teachings, that the two wings which elevate you to enlightenment are wisdom and compassion, and they need to be balanced. I am not shooting for enlightenment at the moment, but it applies to freedom and recovery too. Too much compassion (for self in this case) and you might fold and indulge, too little and you might beat yourself up too much and find life cold and heartless. I am sure this applies to connection/relationships as well as to self and trying to become free...
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I am thinking about something from buddhist teachings, that the two wings which elevate you to enlightenment are wisdom and compassion, and they need to be balanced. I am not shooting for enlightenment at the moment, but it applies to freedom and recovery too. Too much compassion (for self in this case) and you might fold and indulge, too little and you might beat yourself up too much and find life cold and heartless. I am sure this applies to connection/relationships as well as to self and trying to become free...
I love this @Nico.

I've been thinking similar thoughts these days. Recovery truly is a paradox, and I've been trying to learn to ride the ebb and flow between both extremes. On one hand, yes we must love ourselves, but we also must not bullshit ourselves either, and as humans, we're pretty keen on erring on the bullshit factor. We have to become the parents many of us never had, emulating both the divine feminine and masculine for our daily growth. Sometimes we need that maternal feminine grace that the best of mothers can only give, I'm thinking of @Beautiful1973, and at other times, we really need a paternal kick in the fucking pants :)

Keep inspiring
 

Nico

Active Member
Yes I feel that, a quest for balance and reparenting!

Talking of ebb and flow, was really horny last night, ok its been a while since I MO'd. Miraculously I felt no interest in porn, but was plagued by thoughts about fetish and contacts which was demoralising after thinking maybe there had been a shift yesterday in that area. I know that if I let the fire grow, or am on the waterslide, starting to look at images is the natural next step. I didn't get to that point, but clearly I will have to go deeper again - I can identify exactly what triggered it which I will explore privately. I am going to pull apart the thought process which leads me to want to contact people with the fetish, or seek attention from them (not just HER, there are others I know) There has to be a belief in there somewhere..

So it's a victory in a way as I did resist temptations, but not without some struggle, I was helped by that idea Blondie of the paternal kick in the pants and accessing good warrior energy. Sometimes words people post come up in my mind and really help in moments of weakness.

I am reminded of the analogy of the poison tree which is porn, and the seeds or saplings of healthy sexuality. All we have to do is stop watering and looking after or even at the poison tree, as without attention it will wither and die. I have prepared the soil, planted the seed which has become a sapling, and now need to keep pulling up the weeds and giving that sapling water and sunshine. If I felt really radical, perhaps I could just cut the poison tree into pieces and burn the fucking thing! I can do that with the porn tree, but the fetish tree has all these pretty flowers still. I have to burn it anyway, and I know that with patience, the new sapling will bear both pretty flowers and succulent fruits that nourish me.

Day 40. It was around this time in my other longer streak where I started to go crazy, and act out with food and connections. I had a taste of that last night, and if that gets worse I am going to set aside a time, set the scene, and treat M like a sacred ritual. I see that as the new way of being in terms of sexuality.
 

Nico

Active Member
Bad sleep again and headache, but have to drive to London and see family today. I am aware that a trip to see family came right before I messed up my good streak, so need to be prepared for triggers and effects. The main one is the relationship my Dad has with my stepmother, for reasons I don't feel the need to go into, but it stresses me out anyway. All I know is that acting out or looking at porn will certainly not help with it, and I will find other ways to process and release any feelings.

Trigger warning for hard moders - I am really excited about tantra:

Yesterday I had a kind of breakthrough - I set up a time and space for some 'sacred' M, and had forgotten how much I love that, being so focused on shadow work and the stick. I know from past experiments that this kind of bliss experience doesn't always happen, which is what can lead to the idea that a bit of visual stimulation might help, but when it does work it's wonderful so when it doesn't I have to simply leave it and try again another time. Miraculously, yesterday, porn didn't even cross my mind.

Fetish hardly played a role at all apart from fleeting moments which I redirected, although there was some vanilla fantasy about a woman I am starting to get hopeful about. I am totally happy with some vanilla fantasy, and it revolved around connection, sharing pleasure and doing tantra with her. Ok and maybe her body too. There was also a lot of simply being in the body and sensations. Anyway I found the energy rising, and enjoyed circulating it and breathing it around the body, and spent some very pleasurable time doing this. What I am most happy about, apart from the near total absence of fetish fantasy, was that I was content to leave the energy in my body and not chase the O. There was plenty of pleasure in the waves, when the energy fills the body it feels amazing, each wave kind of intensifying the energy which I could feel all over, even in the hands, and breathing it up the spine and into the brain its like bright lights going off. It is energising rather than depleting, like washing every cell in light. I kind of felt ejaculation would ruin it actually.

I feel it in my bones (and boner) that sex like that will be really amazing and I am looking forward to it. I definitely feel able to attach real pleasure to this whether its tantric M or sex, and if I keep rubber stamping fetish thoughts and fantasies with pain, I actually feel quite a lot of hope that this can change. Afterwards, I had all this amazing energy on the dance floor, and had a lot of fun, and great morning wood this morning.

Day 41 - I won't mess about with anything in London, probably, but if I do it will be as above instead of reaching for fetish connection or porn or anything. It isn't hard mode, but it isn't leaky either. Forgive my excitement, it is just so clearly my path out of darkness and misery, and a taste of who I can become, a healthy, blissful, new sexual being.
 

Nico

Active Member
42. Just checking in, feel good, feel tired, need a real holiday and some sun. London is full of triggers, but zero thoughts of porn yesterday, good morning wood, thought about more M but didn't, and got a full day of sister and stepsisters and their thousands of children, and the strange relationship my dad and stepmother have.
 

Nico

Active Member
Well it was good to see everyone, but also there is a lot of difficult life stuff going on for close family members - and i need to try to visit more often and see if there is any way I can support them. Not triggered, but felt a bit of overwhelm in the face of my dad's suffering. Sometimes words of wisdom are no use, and just feel cheap and like a desperate attempt to fix so I just listened. All I could offer was love, and space for him to talk about it. As much as I wish I wasn't, I am powerless over it all. This is life, this is feelings.
It feels like everywhere I go, or with most people I meet, this is being asked of me and feels like what I have to learn and accept. To drop the idea of being able to heal or advise, and just listen and feel. He is carrying so much, but trying to hide it and be solid for everyone. As i write that, it feels like it might be true for me too these days.

I drove back last night, late, on strong coffee, so was a bit wired but eventually got good sleep. As i was driving I had a few thoughts about HER, and practised rubber stamping them with PAIN in red letters again. I have blue balls and urges as I haven't O'd for some time. I don't feel like acting on it, maybe will find time to do circulation etc tomorrow after work. Coming close to managing a new record in terms of streaks for me, but not dwelling on it, this is the new normal - it has to be.
I have a few things to look forward to, the woman who I met for coffee the other day who I felt a real connection to has asked if we can meet this week again. Life feels ok, and full of possibilities.
 

Nico

Active Member
44. Feeling a bit moody really, noticed I felt less patient with the guys at work yesterday as well. Hopefully I can snap out of that this morning and crack on, I am aware of why - too much overtime and London stresses. I don't think I need to do overtime for a while, so can enjoy my weekend this weekend, and have a day off tomorrow to go to the bloody dentist.
The good news - the dance I like on a Tuesday is back after a long break, so I can get back on track with fitness and go 2/3 times a week. Sickness in December stalled my weight loss efforts a little, and January sluggishness, so I have sort of just maintained since early December, and need to kick it up a gear. In all honesty there were times when battling porn cravings as well as food seemed too much, but I am no longer having cravings for porn and I really hope that is a permanent shift. My sister has been doing a 20 minute a day yoga challenge, and I am tempted as have a lot of aches and pains in my back and neck so it would be great if i can find the energy and time to do that. I enjoy yoga when I make myself do it.
In theory, with PMO gone, and it is GONE, I should have a lot of extra time and energy. Doing things like that, reading, studying, exercising, dating, should be a piece of cake. However I have to watch my tendency to just fall into bed after work and stick netflix on, even if sometimes that feels like all i can manage. I just want to take a minute to celebrate that sentence - PMO is gone! I actually believe it for once, which is a damn miracle. I am releasing fetish thoughts and associating all that crap with pain so it is getting easier as well. I am totally convinced that the key to this shift was my beliefs around porn and fetish..and realising that they were false (especially that it is pleasure..) There is a lot to celebrate!


Reading Easy Peasy Method - highly recommend it. Might post some interesting points and thoughts about it later.
 

Nico

Active Member
In a rush as I have to go to the dentist, to re-fix a large filling for the fourth time and also fix another hole. Last time she was literally drilling right into a nerve, and couldn't understand why it was so painful. I booked a day off, so at least I can come home and chill afterwards. I haven't had much time at home so got some chores to do and life admin. Its interesting I associate that kind of thing with pain, even though i usually feel good afterwards, like the exact opposite of porn binges. My calves are playing up again, was painful at dance and am hobbling today, but I will keep going and working up a sweat, just have to move differently.
Life is going pretty well though, hitting my previous all time high today which feels good, work is going pretty well, seeing some results at last from all the time I have spent banging my head against a wall with guys who are stuck using hard drugs or drinking. Manager is pleased with me, clients are changing, and so am I. Got a few dates arranged.
I tried some light M this morning as I had MW, but no O, and it wasn't going as smoothly as last time so I just let it go, literally! I might journal more later, as the dentist might trigger the reward type thinking..
 

Nico

Active Member
Thinking about the time hole that happens after long shifts, when I am exhausted. Not every night, but a lot of free time gets wasted now by tv or youtube instead of porn. I have to find ways to boost my energy levels and be more productive, or at least find healthier ways to relax and recuperate. It feels like there is so much i want to do and change, so instead of beating myself up I will take baby steps. Exercise, meditation, recovery work, study, creative projects, business work.

I didn't even consider porn yesterday - its not an option and its not pleasure. I do feel power growing in me, confidence and clarity. Spring always boosts my energy too, and it is kind of spring already. I have a lovely weekend planned, and I have some free time on Saturday, so weather permitting will plan a walk and get into nature which I haven't done for ages, and I really love. Time in nature gives me energy, and there is always beauty. For me appreciating beauty is important, it is up there with gratitude and meditation in terms of making me feel positive and happy.
 

Nico

Active Member
I actually slept really well at work, it is a miracle! No thoughts or temptations yesterday - enjoyed some sensual touch in the bath late at night, just kind of relaxing and sinking into sensations. Nothing overtly sexual and no fantasy, just trying to relearn the innocent pleasures of touch and sensuality that porn took away.

I feel like it's important to watch out for complacency, I have this sense of it being sorted now which could be true or it could be bullshit. I need to believe it is true and still act as if it is bullshit and put in the work and reflections, keep watering the right plant, keep taking it very seriously. Even writing that - take it seriously, implies it has power. It does when it has us in its grip, but once we see it for what it is, it feels more true that it is powerless. I feel like I am confusing myself because of step one and powerlessness..addiction has us powerless until it doesn't, but of course if I returned to it I would be powerless against it, something as true for alcohol as it is porn. Anyway whilst I will keep doing the work, I want to take porn's power away fully and finally. Whoosh, just like that, porn's power is a magician's trick and an illusion. If I believe its power is real, I am in its thrall.

If I believe I want or need it, I am still attaching false importance or false pleasure to it, thinking at some level that it adds something of value, instead of the truth that it takes everything away.

Feeling solid still, looking forward to a few things this weekend. Another client seems to have stopped using, its like miracles are piling up at the moment!
 

Nico

Active Member
Day 48. Another day gone by with no urges, and yet I feel on guard for some reason, maybe I don't trust that it seems to have become significantly easier. It is easier, but I am going to keep doing the work and being alert for a sudden fuck it moment. The absence of porn is causing me no suffering at all at the moment, and I feel so damn good about that - so it would just make no sense to get caught in the trap again. It just can't be an option in any dark corner of my mind.

I am a bit tired as I slept badly last night, and my calf is painful, but just had a nice hike with good female company. I seem to be getting quite a bit of female attention, even actually got asked out last night, which is a nice change but feels confusing as well. I don't feel like I've met someone who really lights me up yet, but some nice connections all the same, and I want to just enjoy them, surrender anxiety about them, and trust I will find what I am looking for at some point. I also feel I am quite passive, and I hope the fire and confidence returns so I can approach women I am really attracted to - hopefully that will happen if/when PIED issues seem healed and I lose a bit more weight and get a little further away from the addiction. Or of course I could just start doing it and use the giant balls I was born with!

I am really happy to be home with some space and time to relax this afternoon - going to put my feet up and get warm. Its nice not to worry about battling temptations and fearing home alone time. The only thing I am craving slightly is bacon and eggs, and a sauna. Got my FWB friend coming tomorrow, a dance tonight, all in all a good weekend. It's been a few weeks since my last O, and I don't really feel any need to O for a change - but I expect that will go out the window tomorrow..
 

Blondie

Respected Member
yet I feel on guard for some reason, maybe I don't trust that it seems to have become significantly easier. It is easier, but I am going to keep doing the work and being alert for a sudden fuck it moment.
I understand this completely @Nico. It's so easy to become complacent with this and before you know it, you're back at it again! I'm three weeks or so from my longest streak, and yesterday I got scared for a moment and thought "What if I fuck up soon?" It's a legitimate question, because, well I've been here before and I let the ups and downs of life get to me.

Let us be ever diligent!

Sounds like you have a great weekend ahead of you.

Best
 

Nico

Active Member
I know, it is just too easy. I often get the thought 'I just want to...' usually related to a fetish social media site, and wondering how my old obsession is doing (I think I can almost say ex obsession!) but really its a search for that dopamine hit of fantasy land. I have stopped doing it. A few days ago I opened the site 'just to catch up' and it wanted my password which I didn't know. I could have found it in an old hotmail account, but decided it was a sign.

Well FWB day is postponed, and tbh I feel some relief as I have some mixed feelings about that, am totally knackered and my body is screwed. Everything hurts, getting old. It also means I can keep up the no O streak a bit longer. I am fully planning a binge of a tv series and a big takeaway with zero shame!! I have earned it as been going hard this week with exercise, and only had Huel since Weds. Lovely day yesterday, great dance, chats and connections last night. Met a woman who was going to the buddhist group that used to be my life, and felt a mixture of sadness and freedom, oh and a lot of attraction - I am not sure how much of it was to do with no porn use, but she was practically shining! I think the sadness was that I felt a lot of community when I was working there, and miss that at times.

No temptations or cravings - still have that tight feeling in my nuts, so might try to move some energy around later and breathe it around the body. Hitting 50 tomorrow, it is just a number, but its better than I have ever done before. What matters is whether or not there is any sense that using porn is pleasure, or attractive, and for now thankfully there isn't, at all. I feel like I have been given the keys to escape and find freedom, and its a gift I would rather die than squander. Ok maybe thats a little strong, but life with a porn addiction is not a life I would ever choose, and finally I have a choice. I want to focus on that gift, look at it and feel grateful for it every day. And really acknowledge all the other benefits that come with that gift - more virility, drive, energy, better self respect and worth and love, feeling more attractive and more natural attraction, more sensuality and awareness of my body, and more enjoyment and appreciation of this precious life.
 

Nico

Active Member
Yesterday was a day that in the past would have been very difficult to get through - very tired all day, just being on my own as FWB rescheduled, eating a big takeaway which is/was one of my triggers - but I didn't even think about it. So this morning I realised that I can be more confident that I am really escaping this addiction at last. No need to go on about it, but the fear of being at home and temptations is leaving me. I am replacing the stories that this is hard or that I can't do it, with more positive and confident ones. I believe now this is possible, and I am doing it. 50 days was almost unthinkable when I was in the addiction, so I am going to feel good about it.
14 days no O today, and when the time is right I want to do more tantric M and energy circulation, but no need today as the tightness down below feels easier and anyway I am sleeping at work so its not so easy to set up a ritual with candles and music! I will settle for a bath and maybe a hypnosis before sleep..
 

Nico

Active Member
Started reading David Deida last night after reading Blondie's quotes on his thread, and was enjoying it, especially what he is saying about presence and awareness. I read it a long time ago, along with various other books about masculinity and sex. I feel sort of sad thinking about that, as I couldn't seem to sort things out back then even though I did really try. In about 2006-8 I was getting interested in mens work and books by Robert Bly, Robert Johnson etc and was in psychotherapy as I realised that my sexuality was still tied up with mother and in a twisted way trying to get from women what I didn't get from her. Mum died, and not long after that I relapsed on alcohol, so that stopped that. It may feel like I am going round in circles sometimes, but actually its an ascending spiral rather than a circle as I have learned and experienced so much since then.
Anyway I want to revisit a lot of this stuff, and rather than spend hours talking about it I want to find my way to dropping all the stories I tell myself about childhood and mothering. There may have been damage done, but thats in the distant past. I think I let that be an excuse for all kinds of weaknesses and a difficulty with self care, or let it be the reason when I feel something is wrong with me or missing. When it is unconscious it drives me to addictions and self-destruction, but it isn't unconscious now. Luckily we have the power to rewrite stories, and tell ourselves new and empowering ones. I know I am good at looking after myself in some ways but the physical and material side not so much yet - nurture, food, and body especially. I think I bypassed all that, somehow thinking the spiritual, mental, and emotional was more important. I am very good at those areas, so self care isn't absent, just needs balancing out.
I rewrote the stories I was telling myself about porn and porn addiction and it was powerful. So I will analyse my beliefs and stories around my conditioning and self-destructive behaviours and start to tell my brain that I am capable of and enjoy taking care of myself physically; nurturing/feeding myself well, better sleep habits, stretching and walking, somatic meditation, maybe even starting some kind of skin care or whatever..( thanks @Beautiful for this idea!) Basically finding ways to pamper or mother myself, and treat my body with love. Even clothes, which I have never really cared about. I've always been amazed by how much effort women take with this kind of self-care - and I think my story about being a rugged bloke was really disguising the fact that I have never really known how or found enough self love. In a way, the root of this is something along the lines of 'I matter.'
 
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