Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

Nico

Active Member
Actually slept well last night at work, which is a bonus and will give me a better chance to have a good weekend. First paid client yesterday, session went well and she wants to see me monthly. I have been feeling some emptiness this week, as if life is stuck in a holding pattern, which is how I often see it. I am trying to change my thinking and stories as it is all judgements and a matter of perspective - either way there is a lot I can improve on!
Doing some writing for the new therapist, which is raw, telling someone about my life and weaknesses/challenges is quite illuminating. I am doing a whole piece on sex, fetish, and my obsessive connection, and notice I really don't want to send it to her. I wonder if that is just shame or a fear that by doing so I might have to work on it. I notice that I definitely give this stuff a lot of power, and it has power over me. I need to write yesterdays post again but in terms of fetish - a few times this week my desire to go and see Miss M has been crazy intense and I could see the insanity of it. I thought of step 2 - came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Yet it's not that simple, as I have to come to believe - and I notice a lot of the time I really don't believe it can change. I guess that is the belief I need to rewrite, and practise coming to believe I can change, and be helped.
Whether or not the fetish changes, avoiding PMO and practising tantra is the right path for me. Carrying on losing weight and getting fitter and stronger is the right path - no giving up on myself and reverting back to gaining for her no matter how insane the craving. Taking it to therapy and journals. So that's the only path, the only option. I will read step 2 stuff and reflect on it, pray on it, and finish that writing and send it to her.
 

Nico

Active Member
Weird weekend, I have still been battling with cravings and have had a few peeks which i really don't feel good about. No PMO, but I genuinely don't understand why I do this to myself, as in I do really well and then risk it all or lose track - almost feel like I have a different personality which overrides me..I guess that is just the addict. I had a lovely saturday night but the rest of the weekend just fell into entertaining myself with games and tv. Bad discipline and self care skills, and feeling a gnawing emptiness and a lot of judgments about myself and life.
I have a therapy session in a moment, which I am feeling uncomfortable about having written a long post to her last week about fetish and porn, laying it all out. Her reply was very understanding, saying its hard in the early days of trying to change, but this felt depressing because I have been trying to sort this out for a very long time. I am also feeling a little afraid, because i have noticed that I can be really attracted to a woman, but its only those who share my stupid fetish who can really fire me up it seems.
Anyway, here is to a new week and a new resolve. I guess recovery is not always easy street, I get frustrated that i can be doing really well and then find myself stalling and losing it. I have to turn things around and do the things which inspire me and motivate me. I haven't lost my streak, but I have to put some serious work in this week, find my discipline and higher self.
 

Nico

Active Member
Intense therapy session, leaving me feeling emotional, with some overwhelm and confusion. A friend on here prompted me to come back to the body, and presence, so I put on some meditation music and did some loving kindness and breathing sort of mixed in with prayer and now feel a lot better. I was praying for and feeling acceptance, and self love instead of self destruction. Thats my new strategy for coping with overwhelm, emptiness, and also the very harsh self judgments I seem to be getting a lot of. It really helps. Porn definitely doesn't and gives me nothing.
 

Nico

Active Member
There really is no upside to porn, having some peeks has taken the happiness out of my streak and it feels inauthentic to celebrate. Its the same set of triggers - low mood and fatigue. I realise that my inner critic has become strong again, which is interesting because it did vanish for a while. I was chatting to a friend, and after hearing what she has been dealing with I felt able to be honest with her and tell her I felt empty and stuck, and when I mentioned judgments about myself and my life she asked for examples. When I told her, I could see straight away in her face just how harsh and cruel these judgments are, it looked as if it actually hurt her to hear them. Its interesting, I wouldn't think these things about others, let alone say them. So instead of beating myself up I am going to try to celebrate progress and do affirmations and loving kindness meditation regularly. Also obviously change the causes of all these judgments, and ok the causes are complex but porn is a major one - lets be honest, failed relationships leading to a shitty living situation, lost drives, lost confidence, and lost time and energy. For that sense of failure after trying to quit so many times, for reduced virility and power. And in return for all that, what has it given me? So tragic it is funny. Like paying my life savings for a fake piece of art, a cheap copy of what I was hoping for.
So anyway while I might perceive a failure, all is not lost, there was no pmo or acting out, and I will not let that weakness become a habit or a relapse. Two choices - decide i have failed so get low and act out or slide back into pmo, or let it fire me up and strengthen me. I really have to find that healthy anger, to destroy what needs to be destroyed. Otherwise it destroys me. Sounds melodramatic? I don't think it is, I think it is that serious. The life or death aspect helped me quit booze, and I need that sense of urgency or I could be writing this same shit in 20 years.
 

Nico

Active Member
I have lost confidence in my streak since i had peeks recently, perhaps I should restart it. Either way, today I am not going to use, whatever the number. On reflection, starting therapy seems to have been a catalyst for triggers and wobbly resolve, but it has to be done and i am finding it helpful even if it is challenging and I have already talked about some very difficult stuff from the past which can leave me feeling emotional and feeling I am fucked up. I speak to her every Monday and can write messages that she replies to during the week. I feel so frustrated to have done hard work, and even feel like I undid the belief that porn is pleasure, and then still go back to it - late at night when tired and low. No PMO, but have been slipping into M more, and a few times in the last week I opened browsers then pulled out and did mindful M instead but honestly the fantasy element creeps in. So its happened a few times - same patterns involving Miss M or combinations of deep fatigue and low mood. I have to face it, having peeks at P, or regular MO are not rebooting, and this is making me feel like a failure and makes me feel I can't do it. The combination of therapy and these slips seem to have undone any confidence I was building in terms of being able or ready for relationship, and I sense I am avoiding, sabotaging or ambivalent about certain connections and getting intimate.
After reading a few posts this morning I am going to try to avoid Miss M and M completely for a while. I can see that slipping into more regular M makes me weak. I need to try to channel my addictive nature into healthy things and self improvement. Exercise, meditation, nature, hell even gaming or box sets if thats what it takes. I have to believe that all the progress I have made isn't a delusion, and that the breakthroughs were real. Slips like this make me doubt in that and lose faith in myself. Hopefully the insights just need reinforcing and solidifying and I need to believe in myself and turn things around to prevent a proper relapse.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

But another way to look at things is to just get all the hardest and most difficult things out in the open and done with so that you can get on with your life. Don't be attached to the hurtful. Let them go. And revealing them is one of the best ways to let the stigma go and start on recovery.

Unfortunately recovery is always painful. Think of post surgery pain. Or the pain of studying a repeat exam. Even reboot is painful. If you can accept that pain means recovery, you are already on the path to healing.

Please also try not to M or O at all. While P is an instigator, M and O are equally impactful because they also contribute to a high does of feel good, which invariably fries the neurotransmitters and leads to a depressive state.

That you are reaching for relief clearly shows you're having a hard time. Or that it could also mean you have not been caring for yourself well recently, that you've been very stretched and not had opportunity to relax. We can learn to listen to our body and take beneficial measures.

There must be some things in your life that deserve celebrating.
Even a nice meal, good weather, warm bath or smooth traffic all deserve recognition and celebration. I also know you must have done alot for your clients. Don't discount your efforts and contributions.

Please be kind to yourself and recognize all the good in your life. You journalling here often is also good and helpful.

I would suggest easiest recovery. Namely sleep alot, clean food, walks in the park, soft music. Sleep and classical music are very helpful for me lately.

Please stay connected and let the community help you.

We're with you all the way.
 
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Nico

Active Member
Thanks for that thoughtful and supportive post TAN. I'll be ok, yes there is a lot going on and I need a break from work, but no excuses, and no relapse. I am going back to basics, was reading last night and reminding myself of all the reasons I am quitting, and all the reasons I want to use (zero!) And yes there are a lot of things to celebrate, and be grateful for. I have a nice weekend planned so that will help too :)
 

Nico

Active Member
I am grateful I found this place and the support here is invaluable. Between writing away on here and now messaging my therapist as well I am getting clearer and hopefully have managed to avert a real relapse. Successful day yesterday, despite fatigue, cancelled evening plans, and some frustrations that got me more angry than they should have.
I am on a self care mission - and right now that entails as TAN said better sleep, basics, journalling, affirming myself and building back energy, resolve and esteem. It also involves meditation, time in nature, and the therapy. I am going to avoid P, M, and O for a while, but have to own that I still have fears and doubts about hard mode and a strong desire to do tantra instead - rightly or wrongly, or maybe that is rightly and wrongly. I am going to do more reading, and watch more Trish Leigh. Someone linked to this post recently https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/14359/ which looks interesting and I intend to work through it. Possibly trying to do tantra is trying to run before I can walk, and possibly the fears and doubts are just beliefs I need to address..the ones about it being too hard or that I cant do it. My first 45 day streak on here was hard mode, and I just remember feeling absolutely crazy, which is perhaps one fear I can address, or something I just need to cope with. Anyway I don't feel confident in making promises about hard mode, but will try for a while.

One thing I am aware I need to do is some emotional release, and breathwork. I was getting kind of impatient with wanting to get straight to the deepest trauma and fix it (lol) but she was saying it will take time to peel back layers and feelings. I quote - I agree, at the core of your suffering is trauma and we will slowly peel back the layers and be able to release the emotions attached to this in order for you to truly be able to believe in yourself, be more able to continue with the changes and feel that you are enough.
As soon as she said that i realised I was holding a lot of difficult feelings in the body these days and that some of the issues we have discussed are bringing up difficult feelings. I do know how to let them go, and that perhaps it was the feelings leading me back into trouble or leading me to want to soothe. I don't think anyone ever really taught me how to process and release feelings effectively, but I am kicking myself a bit because I have been shown how on my path in recent years but haven't been putting it into practice. I am going to do a breathwork session, and let the powerful breathing access and free emotions held in the body, and hopefully do some pillow pounding and crying!
I have a tendency to jump straight into meditation, and soothe the mind, but sometimes this can bypass the emotions that need a release. OOk its still a win compared to using or acting out, but I need to shift focus to the emotional body. The main issue I have is that the tools for release can be noisy, and I have found that being able to be noisy really helps release, but I always worry that will disturb people around me. So I guess I will put on music and shout into a pillow.

I feel recovery needs to be on all levels - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, and perhaps there is a way to address every level every day or at least regularly.
 

Nico

Active Member
I guess at times when I am pulled back to the addiction or other behaviours - I need to assess what is happening to understand, accept whatever it is without judgment and getting lost in loops, and take action to remedy whatever is happening, common ones for me:

- fatigue = just put soothing music on, read a little, use hypnosis, and actually get an early night (sounds easy, dont know why I find this hard!)
- negative thoughts about myself and life = prayer/meditation, gratitude, affirm what is good in me/life, do something nurturing and do something for someone else, get outside and walk in nature
- difficult feelings in relations to trauma, pain or where I am at (including hopelessness, low mood, overwhelm, frustration, not good enough/fucked up, feeling stuck) = shake the body, breathwork, and try to release or pillow pound or cry. Once released, try to restore faith, write or visualise change, pray, gratitude. Trust in life, myself, the process, and that inevitably change will come.
- craving = take action, any action, the solution depends on time of day and energy levels. Any of the above, or as last resort a game or film to just channel attention elsewhere.

I can see thoughts/feelings are closely linked, but I want to try to address both mental and emotional, thoughts and emotional body, rather than as i have been focusing on the thoughts. I know from experience that by caring for myself on all levels will restore my baseline positivity and wellbeing.
Anyway enough talk time for action, even though I feel sort of tired and soft this morning I know once I start breathwork it will invigorate and work its magic
 

Nico

Active Member
Doing better, avoiding the demons. Had an interesting session with therapist yesterday, happened to mention I tend to do better when in a relationship and she asked me to do some writing around that. I did, and the upshot is am going to try to improve cetain things I don't do so well in as a singleton and hold myself accountable. Mostly they are very basic stuff - routine, food, clean environment, sleep patterns. But also being in love and loved seems to get me more energised and passionate about my work, life and future. Honestly I find it pretty hard to really give af about cleaning or early nights, and when I do that in relationship because she does, there may be a bit of people pleasing and codependency, or it my just be respecting whats important to her. So I can do it when it's for another, but struggle to do it for myself.


I took a client to a NA meeting last night, and there was a brilliant share. Cross addictions was a theme, and made me feel less ashamed that I should know recovery. I remembered a poster on the wall of my rehab describing the demon of addiction always subtly trying to pull you back, destroy you. If I don't channel the addict in me into positive things, and leave it to fester, itt will find ways to screw me up. Then he said something interesting - which iis that he's never in 20 years known anyone relapse who has prayed and done the just for today reading that day. I tried to think back to my slips and wobbles with porn addiction, and suspect he is right. Just shows the huge importance that little habits can have in terms of our recovery and wellbeing.

Goal for now is to do the things that benefit me every day.
 

Nico

Active Member
Just for today

- Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

- Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

- Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

- Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

- Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

- Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

- Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

- Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

- Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
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Nico

Active Member
This week's been busy, a lot of work stress - every time I have sat down to journal something's come up! I am doing ok, still quite tired and low mood but hanging in there. No PMO for a long time, and avoiding MO this week successfully. Have some time and space this weekend which feels needed, time to do some self care, exercise, and practices. I am going back to the basic urgency of keeping it in the day - as that is all that matters. Just for today I will do some meditation and exercise after work, and try to get to bed at a sensible time!
 

Nico

Active Member
Still just hanging in there really, same old boring story of fatigue and low mood, but have booked some time off. Must be about 80 days no PMO, but as I said have had a few slips in terms of looking, M and fantasy, so am not going to celebrate a 90 day marker. I feel ok today, a bit more resolved, as over the weekend I was just knackered and numbing out a bit - I didn't have the energy to do the things I should be doing but did dance and that was great.
 

Nico

Active Member
Feel like I am turning a corner. Yesterday started terribly, with the kind of headache where even lying down feels too much, but got myself together and had a really good session with a client and felt a breakthrough with him. Somewhat karmically this led to a breakthrough for me too, and I felt inspired, then listened to some inspiring audiobooks/videos at work in the evening. The kind of moment I had with my client is a 1 in a 1000 moment in this job, but I realise by offering my services I could make that the norm in my working life, using my experience to be more fully in service, so brainstormed ideas.
I can say its day 89 no PMO, but only day 3 of a new attempt at not looking at anything, or using fantasy, or MO. I slipped into looking at it a few times, and interestingly found it frustrating and not even arousing. Perhaps because I know now, that every time I look, I destroy any progress towards fulfilling sex, and love. I felt a kind of rock bottom this week, in terms of low mood and lethargy, perhaps now new energy is coming in i can turn this around.
 

Nico

Active Member
Well after recent struggles I feel a renewal of energy and resolve. I have been listening to an amazing audiobook I listened to many times in my buddhist days called Our Pristine Mind, and its inspired me to meditate and and focus on mind/awareness. As the buddha said, experiences are led by mind, so by clearing and cleaning up a little, so will experience.
Interesting day yesterday, met up with a friend who I had a bit of a connection with in the past, and we ended up in bed together after a walk in the park. It was sensual, but I wasn't very aroused physically. She had a very nice time though. However I woke up this morning feeling a kind of sadness about it and a revulsion even..once again in the position of giving and not receiving, or finding myself lacking arousal or drive to do what I would have quite liked to!! It all feels a little futile, pursuing women at the moment, and although i want to meet someone and fall in love, because of fucking porn I have to face this lack of desire or fulfilment in the bedroom, at least until I don't. I am not sure how much attraction there actually was though to be honest, i like her and like our chats and connections, but perhaps that is it for me.
Anyway I have some leave coming up, with some exciting plans and visits, a dance workshop, and I am clear I want to avoid P, PM, PMO, and MO till then. Still no PMO for a long time. Main focus is on mind and meditation, the source of suffering and the source of wellbeing. Women, work and everything else can take a back seat..
 

Nico

Active Member
I am in the middle of a dance workshop, which I am really enjoying, and its full of women from all over the world. The great thing about this kind of retreat is that the ration is about 10-1! I had a moment on the first day where I was just watching them dance, and feeling shame that I was dishonouring the feminine by watching porn. I forgot how much doing workshops and retreats affect my wellbeing, and feel so much better for it. I have made some nice connections, have a few serious attractions, but am trying to hold it lightly and enjoy it rather then get sucked into craving and drama. I know I said women can take a back seat for a while but damn...!
I am so glad I am on leave for a while, I was getting too tired, making mistakes at work, and not doing so well with the addictions and once again lost faith that I can change. So I feel hopeful that this period marks a new beginning. Doing this kind of thing raises my frequency, and it shows me that too much time around work means I have to really try to keep it higher with meditation, or other things I know lift me up like nature, connections, breathwork, music and dance. After the weekend I am off to see friends and family, and hope I can keep it up and carry on regaining motivation and energy.
 

Nico

Active Member
Enjoying some time away with family, in a cottage with no wifi! I have to say I love being around the children and my family, the world of porn seems very far away. I have just snuck away to a pub to do a few online jobs, and am resisting temptations to check certain networking sites. This is making me reflect on how different life is living alone to being with family - playing cards - canasta which is great, pool, and spending time with my three nephews and one little niece who has latched onto me like a little love bomb! I sort of feel a craving to have a family of my own now!
Anyway am not online long but will catch up on everyone's journals when I am home.
 
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