I need to beat this

Day1

It’s taken me so many days to make myself write this. Maybe its because by posting on this forum Ive finally accepted that I’m a porn addict. I’ve struggled with this for too long and its affecting so many areas of my life that I have to stop now. I was born into a very religious family so didnt really have a lot of access to porn regularly growing up. I guess just that growing curiosity from a young age without access to porn regularly maybe have contributed to the addiction. I started watching porn on and off in my mid teens. I however didnt start self gratification until my early twenties when i was in university. I felt like i had discovered something that would help relax, help me pass time and just help switch off from the stresses of life. It became a daily thing and sometimes more than once. I’m 34 years old now, i only realised i had a problem about a year ago and since then I’ve had periods of 1 week to 3 weeks without PMO. I’ve been with my girlfriend for the last 10 years, I was losing interest in making love to her and that was because I was using porn to meet all my urges. When we did have sex I sometimes struggled to hold an erection but my main issue was premature ejaculation. This has really affected my confidence and makes me anxious when i have sex now. Over the last 1 year I’ve tried numerous times to give up porn, the longest I lasted was 21 days. The moment I’m bored, I’m alone or I’m stressed my brain tells me to PMO. And the moment i relapse it’s followed by shame, guilt, feeling worthless and this ends up with me continuing to use porn to cope with these feelings. I’ve been successful in my life with everything Ive done so far other than my battle with porn. Every time i relapse i feel like a failure and this is stopping me from progressing with other aspects of my life because i feel like i keep failing with this so i’ll just be the same with everything else. To the outside world i look like a respectable good man but this dirty secret doesn’t make me feel anything like that.
I relapse when I’m alone at home, I’m bored or anxious. It feels like my brain is on automatic mode and its telling me to PMO, it ignores and rationalises everything my inner voice is telling me not to do. I cant keep doing this cycle over and over again, I feel like I’m stuck and will remain feeling like this for the rest of my life if I don’t act now. That’s a very scary thought. I would really appreciate any advice from rebooters on how to control that urge when it comes on, that intense craving that I’m not able to beat. For now my strategy is when i have the urge to think about how miserable i feel after each time i PMO to stop myself acting out. During the day i make myself go to gym, run some errands which keeps my mind off things. It’s just when I’m alone at night I’m struggling to come up with a way to stop myself from using porn.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Welcome Wedergeboorte!

Today is great day for you. You decided to quit this nonsense!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Welcome!

Read other people's journals. Find some by people who you can relate to in their introductory posts. Similar age, background etc.

What helps me: to start counting days (after a while that may not be so important but at first it can be very helpful. Challenge yourself to beat 21 days or something.), Have a plan for when the urges hit - come here, get away from devices, etc.

This is going to be hard. But so worth it!
 
Welcome!

Read other people's journals. Find some by people who you can relate to in their introductory posts. Similar age, background etc.

What helps me: to start counting days (after a while that may not be so important but at first it can be very helpful. Challenge yourself to beat 21 days or something.), Have a plan for when the urges hit - come here, get away from devices, etc.

This is going to be hard. But so worth it!
Thanks a lot for the advice SimonM. Over the next couple of days I’m going to think and write down a plan to fall back to when the urges start.
 
Day 3

Was working from home today so had more time on my own. There were instances when i was watching a movie or YouTube and there were pretty women on screen it sparked a feeling in my brain but I managed to control these feelings and didnt act on them. There a few points through the day where i thought this would be usually when i PMO and how it was nice distraction and you get that hit of dopamine. I managed to talk myself out of it, thought about how bad I would feel if I messed up now and how it would affect my confidence. This helped and quickly managed to go to gym, read and cook which kept me occupied through the day.
 
Day 6

Today was challenging. Was on a night shift yesterday so not sure if it’s because of that but my mood was a bit lower than its been for the last couple of days. i think in the past whenever I’ve felt bored, low, anxious I’ve turned to porn to take my mind of things and lose hours in a day. I suddenly feel like i have much more time on my hands which is a good thing and I’m focusing on reading, learning new things and trying to get better as a person but at the same time when you have more time on your hands i suddenly have thoughts of PMO. I did have a few times in the day where i thought about previous porn scenes or porn stars I’ve watched and my brain was telling me that its ok to just give in this once and you can start over again. But i thought about how many times Ive done that in the past, how i feel after PMO and how i will never fully trust myself if i give in now. Another day of no PMO and im glad i managed to stay strong.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Told you I would read every word.

Keep going. This is not easy. In fact it’s really hard. Big but…….the prize at the end is so much bigger than you imagine. I mean SO MUCH.
 
I would really appreciate any advice from rebooters on how to control that urge when it comes on, that intense craving that I’m not able to beat.

the only way ive had any success over my 13 year period of addiction to PMO is by not having it even be an option. this means blocking its use. ive done this in 2 ways: 1. getting married, which makes it very difficult to act out because there is another person around all the time. and 2. using a powerful blocking software to block P and any other site that is causing you problems. you can also add an accountability partner who will get notifications whenever you search for explicit stuff. they can then reach out to you etc. the link is in my signature if youre interested
 
I did have a few times in the day where i thought about previous porn scenes or porn stars I’ve watched and my brain was telling me that its ok to just give in this once and you can start over again

ahh yes, the Porn Flashbacks! terrible part of our recovery process. even after not watching some scenes for months if not years, i can still recall crazy details about them. supposedly these will fade with time, according to other guys accounts
 
Told you I would read every word.

Keep going. This is not easy. In fact it’s really hard. Big but…….the prize at the end is so much bigger than you imagine. I mean SO MUCH.
Hey GBS, thank you for the motivating words.. i slipped up this time but i was able to get through an entire day just thinking of these words you posted. Do these cravings ever go away ? The last few days have felt like hell
 
the only way ive had any success over my 13 year period of addiction to PMO is by not having it even be an option. this means blocking its use. ive done this in 2 ways: 1. getting married, which makes it very difficult to act out because there is another person around all the time. and 2. using a powerful blocking software to block P and any other site that is causing you problems. you can also add an accountability partner who will get notifications whenever you search for explicit stuff. they can then reach out to you etc. the link is in my signature if youre interested
Thank you so much for this Daybyday1988. Ive been trying to find a good blocker so will definitely look into this.
 
Day 1

I lasted a week this time. I underestimated how much effort would be needed to beat this. The last couple of days felt like torture. My brain felt like it was foggy and the thoughts about PMO were relentless, I couldn’t even think straight .I really did feel like an addict going through withdrawals. I spent an entire night not being able to sleep because i was talking myself out of PMO. In the past I would have given up that night but i kept thinking about the messages and the kind supportive words i received on this group and this helped me get through that night. The next day i accidentally came across the adult section in a new cable TV subscription i bought. This trigger was enough for me to have a look. I told myself I would just check it out but not PMO, that then escalated to me trying to PMO but without having an orgasm and that didn’t work. I felt shame, anger and i was disappointed in myself but for the first time i also felt like i had let other people down, the people in this forum who spoke to me through their messages. I felt so guilty and ashamed that I considered deleting my profile and not returning to the forum but i know this wont help me in anyway in the long run and i have to face my failures. The positives I can take from this experience is that writing on the forum and having that accountability really did make me think different compared to before. I’ve realised that just looking at porn and trying not to PMO doesn’t work, I just need to stop completely. If i was able to control that level of urges 1 night i can do it again and just need to stick with it and hopefully it will become easier to control. When the urges come on again im just going to come and right in the forum, read some motivating stories. Im also going to install a blocker and look for an accountability partner. I’ve lost this battle but feel like I’ve learned something and will eventually win this war.
 
Lost the battle but you can still win the war buddy. If you need an accountability partner I got you. In Covenant Eyes its called an "ally". message me if you want to talk privately.

Also, I know how it feels to be trapped in your head with porn fantasies and garbage swirling around that make you feel an intense urge to act out. Have you tried replacing just sitting there with an activity? Maybe dropping to the floor and doing push ups?
 
Lost the battle but you can still win the war buddy. If you need an accountability partner I got you. In Covenant Eyes its called an "ally". message me if you want to talk privately.

Also, I know how it feels to be trapped in your head with porn fantasies and garbage swirling around that make you feel an intense urge to act out. Have you tried replacing just sitting there with an activity? Maybe dropping to the floor and doing push ups?
Hey mate, definitely up for an accountability partner. Thank you ! I’m still having a search for different blocking software. All my devises are IOS so don’t this particular one doesn’t block when i use chrome on IOS. The pushups sound like a really good idea, any suggestions for when I’m at work or when’s it in the middle of the night ? How are you getting on with your reboot ?
 
Day 3

been feeling ok since my last slip up. No major urges, been busy with work and my girlfriend came back from holiday so been busy with her. that’s something I’ve noticed, when I’m with friends, my girlfriend and I’m busy the urges aren’t really there. I do feel a bit tired because I’ve just come off a night shift. not sure when the urges/craving will kick in again but I’m expecting it this time and feel more confident that I won’t act on them.
 
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