PMO destroyed my willpower and vitality. Journal of my journey to 90 days and beyond without this nasty shit

DmdsDmt

Member
Hello guys,
I am writing this thread to look for some accountability in my journey. I have been addicted to PMO since i was 11 (i am 24 now) and i have been watching more and more perverted things. I used to be very confident but this addiction destroyed any particle of joy and lifeforce in my body. PMO has kept me in this lust energy for more than a decade. About 2 months ago i started to masturbate with dildos and its like a drug addiction that sucks every little energy out of me. Every time i make some progress like a 2 weeks streak, i would get very tensed and the withdrawls would make me go crazy and then relapse hard. I am staying positive though because even though last streak lasted one week, I managed to transmute the energy using qigong meditations and it actually worked. I got the energy to circulate through my body and not stay stuck in the pelvis region and being horny all the time. I was also doing some wim hof breathing and it really made the withdrawls and everything way more bearable. I actually had energy to look towards my future and pick up a new skill. I genuinely had way more energy this small streak than when i did a 90 days streak way back in the days.
Anyways, what i a looking for is accuntability from you guys. Sometimes i have glimpses of the potential i have, but every time i start to have some momentum, i start to rationalize why its okay to slip up. My goal is to reach 90 days of no porn and masturbation. I will try to post regularly and when im going through hard times. Im just so sick of this bullshit. It made me lazy, dumb, took away my willpower, made me not leave the house for days and so on. This has to stop now.
 
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DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 4

I have been having some withdrawls today, some easy to process and some pretty difficult, but nothing i couldn't handle. The past two nights my sleep hasn't been good cause my mind kept on racing. I was trying to relax my breathing and try to meditate but thoughts kept on coming. I am ready for the worst the days that will come. Usually i get crazy urges after one week. At the 2 weeks mark i usually get insane energy and motivation so i can't wait for that. Last relapse happened because i started to become overconfident in myself thinking that "i got it under control" and let the guard down. Thats exactly the moment when the devil slipped in and i started to rationalize bit by bit that i should MO. But this time i will try to stay strong. Every time i get an urge, i will go outside and play basketball or go for a run.
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 7

Yesterday i saw a friend (girl) on the street that i haven't seen in a while. She said we should hang out for a drink soon. After that i went out with some friends and drank a bit of alcohol. But then last night when i went to sleep, the demons creeped in and I started to edge thinking of that girl (so pathetic). Now i wont count it as a relapse cause it was not much. I managed to catch it in time. It seems like every time i drink or get a bit loose, i start "drifting". The thing is that i would like to have sex with that girl, but fantasizing and wasting energy on those mental images ruins my game with girls in general. I realized that the devil will always try to lure me and make me want to slip up, but if i do it, i want it to be on my terms and be able to control to what degree it happens. My sleep was also shit last night because of the alcohol and i woke up looking at instagram and youtube which ruins the rest of my day usually cause the dopamine gets depleated af. I will try to stay away from all those today and focus on working out and be a bit productive.
 
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DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 3

Hello again. This is a whole new streak since I relapsed on day 11 of the last one. Felt very ashamed of myself and didn't want to come and admit here that i relapsed. I was going pretty good. Feeling great on day 10 and 11. I even made a drawing and posted it in my portfolio (im an artist). I actually transmuted the lust energy that i had and made that drawing with such ease and everyone liked it. On day 11 my friends congradulated me on the drawing so i started to feel pride and started thinking "this is easy". So i smoked some weed that day with my friends (something that im trying to quit also) and when i got home i relapsed and went on a binge of watching shorts on youtube and porn for 2 days straight. Now i am back at it and feeling like shit again. Today i tried to work a bit but i just felt depressed af. Did some wim hof breathing and meditation at least and didnt watch shorts or scroll on social media which gave me hella withdrawals. I deleted instagram and youtube from my phone and i am trying to just quit everything that is stealing energy from me and makes me drift. I am really trying to focus on my art and put my energy in that but after i relapse, there are another 11 days of feeling like shit and wanting to end my life, so its a shitty cycle of hell with a few moments of feeling normal. But i will break that! Fuck this shit
 

DmdsDmt

Member
Also something else i want to talk about. Besides the fact that social media affected us negatively so much in the last years, making us scrolling zombies, nowadays TikTok and shorts (same shit) are more and more in our faces. There is no way of dodging these videous. The apps are making them more and more accessible and in your face to the point where you cannot watch something educational on youtube without having shorts popping in your feed with a juicy thumbnail. And its enough to slip and watch 2 or 3 and you are down the rabbit hole of frying your dopamine receptors. Sometimes after i watched shorts like a zombie and watch porn after (on my relapse), the porn barely hits the same as before. Thats how bad these are. Nowadays you have to guard what you give attention to like a hawk. It is very annoying cause in the days when im on a streak and im feeling weak, its so easy to give in and create a full porn and shorts binge session that lasts a couple days followed by depression, anxiety and isolation (in my case at least).
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 6

I have been pretty tired during the day and barely had motivation to do anything. Today i got in my head and started to have these pesimistic thoughts about myself, thinking that i am not good enough and that i should stop trying anything that i want to achieve. This apathy state is coming from PMO for sure. I tried to not give in to it but sometimes is hard af. I started to work a bit towards the evening but it was very hard to focus. No tendency to relapse so far which is good. Moving forward!
 
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