PMO destroyed my willpower and vitality. Journal of my journey to 90 days and beyond without this nasty shit

DmdsDmt

Member
Hello guys,
I am writing this thread to look for some accountability in my journey. I have been addicted to PMO since i was 11 (i am 24 now) and i have been watching more and more perverted things. I used to be very confident but this addiction destroyed any particle of joy and lifeforce in my body. PMO has kept me in this lust energy for more than a decade. About 2 months ago i started to masturbate with dildos and its like a drug addiction that sucks every little energy out of me. Every time i make some progress like a 2 weeks streak, i would get very tensed and the withdrawls would make me go crazy and then relapse hard. I am staying positive though because even though last streak lasted one week, I managed to transmute the energy using qigong meditations and it actually worked. I got the energy to circulate through my body and not stay stuck in the pelvis region and being horny all the time. I was also doing some wim hof breathing and it really made the withdrawls and everything way more bearable. I actually had energy to look towards my future and pick up a new skill. I genuinely had way more energy this small streak than when i did a 90 days streak way back in the days.
Anyways, what i a looking for is accuntability from you guys. Sometimes i have glimpses of the potential i have, but every time i start to have some momentum, i start to rationalize why its okay to slip up. My goal is to reach 90 days of no porn and masturbation. I will try to post regularly and when im going through hard times. Im just so sick of this bullshit. It made me lazy, dumb, took away my willpower, made me not leave the house for days and so on. This has to stop now.
 
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DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 4

I have been having some withdrawls today, some easy to process and some pretty difficult, but nothing i couldn't handle. The past two nights my sleep hasn't been good cause my mind kept on racing. I was trying to relax my breathing and try to meditate but thoughts kept on coming. I am ready for the worst the days that will come. Usually i get crazy urges after one week. At the 2 weeks mark i usually get insane energy and motivation so i can't wait for that. Last relapse happened because i started to become overconfident in myself thinking that "i got it under control" and let the guard down. Thats exactly the moment when the devil slipped in and i started to rationalize bit by bit that i should MO. But this time i will try to stay strong. Every time i get an urge, i will go outside and play basketball or go for a run.
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 7

Yesterday i saw a friend (girl) on the street that i haven't seen in a while. She said we should hang out for a drink soon. After that i went out with some friends and drank a bit of alcohol. But then last night when i went to sleep, the demons creeped in and I started to edge thinking of that girl (so pathetic). Now i wont count it as a relapse cause it was not much. I managed to catch it in time. It seems like every time i drink or get a bit loose, i start "drifting". The thing is that i would like to have sex with that girl, but fantasizing and wasting energy on those mental images ruins my game with girls in general. I realized that the devil will always try to lure me and make me want to slip up, but if i do it, i want it to be on my terms and be able to control to what degree it happens. My sleep was also shit last night because of the alcohol and i woke up looking at instagram and youtube which ruins the rest of my day usually cause the dopamine gets depleated af. I will try to stay away from all those today and focus on working out and be a bit productive.
 
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DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 3

Hello again. This is a whole new streak since I relapsed on day 11 of the last one. Felt very ashamed of myself and didn't want to come and admit here that i relapsed. I was going pretty good. Feeling great on day 10 and 11. I even made a drawing and posted it in my portfolio (im an artist). I actually transmuted the lust energy that i had and made that drawing with such ease and everyone liked it. On day 11 my friends congradulated me on the drawing so i started to feel pride and started thinking "this is easy". So i smoked some weed that day with my friends (something that im trying to quit also) and when i got home i relapsed and went on a binge of watching shorts on youtube and porn for 2 days straight. Now i am back at it and feeling like shit again. Today i tried to work a bit but i just felt depressed af. Did some wim hof breathing and meditation at least and didnt watch shorts or scroll on social media which gave me hella withdrawals. I deleted instagram and youtube from my phone and i am trying to just quit everything that is stealing energy from me and makes me drift. I am really trying to focus on my art and put my energy in that but after i relapse, there are another 11 days of feeling like shit and wanting to end my life, so its a shitty cycle of hell with a few moments of feeling normal. But i will break that! Fuck this shit
 

DmdsDmt

Member
Also something else i want to talk about. Besides the fact that social media affected us negatively so much in the last years, making us scrolling zombies, nowadays TikTok and shorts (same shit) are more and more in our faces. There is no way of dodging these videous. The apps are making them more and more accessible and in your face to the point where you cannot watch something educational on youtube without having shorts popping in your feed with a juicy thumbnail. And its enough to slip and watch 2 or 3 and you are down the rabbit hole of frying your dopamine receptors. Sometimes after i watched shorts like a zombie and watch porn after (on my relapse), the porn barely hits the same as before. Thats how bad these are. Nowadays you have to guard what you give attention to like a hawk. It is very annoying cause in the days when im on a streak and im feeling weak, its so easy to give in and create a full porn and shorts binge session that lasts a couple days followed by depression, anxiety and isolation (in my case at least).
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 6

I have been pretty tired during the day and barely had motivation to do anything. Today i got in my head and started to have these pesimistic thoughts about myself, thinking that i am not good enough and that i should stop trying anything that i want to achieve. This apathy state is coming from PMO for sure. I tried to not give in to it but sometimes is hard af. I started to work a bit towards the evening but it was very hard to focus. No tendency to relapse so far which is good. Moving forward!
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 0

I relapsed again after a 12 days streak and been binging for 2 days till now. I was doing pretty good and actually went on a date with a girl. I think it went well but i feel like im scared of sex. Actually im scared of having ED with the girl and of the feelings of shame that come with that. Because i have game and im smooth but when i feel like there is a bit more tension i pull away and start acting more like a friend than a lover. Of course nothing happened on that date but i could have finessed it cause she was down too. Then i spireled into self shame and dispair and relapsed cause i didnt want to deal with my feelings. I am also stressing out about my career and having to find a job. I got too much in my head and didnt put time into actually getting grounded processing these stories that show up as simply stories our mind makes.
But I am back on track now and give it another try😤😤
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 0 again...

I have been relapsing watching porn these days and edging to it... I have been also depleating my dopamine by watching a bunch of stupid ass shorts on instagram and youtube. I am so sock of falling into this lifestyle again. I have been trying to get my life straight for a while now which is good, but tomorrow i have a job interview where i need to be sharp and today i have been fuckin around and edging to porn and all that... Truth is that i am actually nervous for the job tomorrow and trying to numb out those feelings. I will put down my phone and go for a walk. I hope im not gonna feel like a zombie tomorrow morning💀💀 i will have to drive a van around like an exam for them to see if i drive well.
 

seano

Member
DAY 0 again...

I have been relapsing watching porn these days and edging to it... I have been also depleating my dopamine by watching a bunch of stupid ass shorts on instagram and youtube. I am so sock of falling into this lifestyle again. I have been trying to get my life straight for a while now which is good, but tomorrow i have a job interview where i need to be sharp and today i have been fuckin around and edging to porn and all that... Truth is that i am actually nervous for the job tomorrow and trying to numb out those feelings. I will put down my phone and go for a walk. I hope im not gonna feel like a zombie tomorrow morning💀💀 i will have to drive a van around like an exam for them to see if i drive well.
I can totally relate to this. Consuming porn to numb our anxious feelings and then feeling more anxious because I've wasted time and energy on porn and masturbation and then just feeling dull as well. Also, with the watching IG reels and YT shorts. Keep it up, you got this!
Maybe set a shorter initial goal of 30 days rather than 90?
 

DmdsDmt

Member
I can totally relate to this. Consuming porn to numb our anxious feelings and then feeling more anxious because I've wasted time and energy on porn and masturbation and then just feeling dull as well. Also, with the watching IG reels and YT shorts. Keep it up, you got this!
Maybe set a shorter initial goal of 30 days rather than 90?
Aye man thanks for the support! Sometimes i write here and feel like nobody reads my stuff. You are right about setting a smaller goal. I will set it to 30 days for now. Thing is that i did 30 days before but after i do a longer streak like this, i relapse and keep on relapsing. Its so hard to get back up with this shit. Wish you good luck too!
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 0 (again)

I relapsed today too. I keep on relapsing because i stay on my phone too much. I was watching on youtube the stream of Adin Ross (i know its poison) and he had a pornstar on the stream, so i started to look her up on a porn site and eventually i started watching more and more then jerked off and shit..... Im so fucking annoyed right now. There are so many things i can accomplish in my life, but i just waste all that good energy on this bullshit. Day 0 again and i will stop using my phone. I will also start journaling here every fucking day to keep me accountable.
 

DmdsDmt

Member
I went another 10 days before i relapsed again.... Im so dissapointed with myself... I actually started to move forward with my life and got a job as a truck driver for a supermarket in the are. I was actually having a good mood constantly and felt very good with myself. Honestly im so dissapointed.. it all started with a small peek yesterday when i came tired from work and started watching porn like crazy. Trans, anal, everything... Then i closed it at some point realizing that its just not good, but kept opening it up and watching more and more disturbing shit... Also today the first thing i did was looking up porn (rationalizing in my head that i already fucked it up. So i continued to watch more, edging for hours and hours. Then i just gave myself a prostate massage thinking that if i already did all this, at least to go all the way. All this until i came and realized what actually happened... It was like a trip that i couldnt control. I mean i could control it but i didnt want to. I wanted to dose off and run away from the feelings of loneliness and dispair. I think it all started with when a girl flaked on me from tinder and another one that i had a nice conversation with and we were both down to meet up stopped answering... I know i shouldnt let this take me, but i just wanted some relief... I also didnt come here and journal like i said i will, in my head thinking that nobody will read it anyways... Which is wrong.
 

seano

Member
Hey man, relapses can be tough and I know the feeling of one peek suddenly spiraling out of control until you O and then it's like what the fuck was I doing.
Anyhow, relapses are part of the healing process. It's ok to feel upset at yourself, but try not to let it discourage you for too long.
You got this. You are stronger than this addiction! 10 days is a good go at it for sure. Get back at it, keep fighting
 
Hey @DmdsDmt,

I'm also very well aware of the feeling of relapse and the disastrous cycle that comes with it. I joined this community in May and I've relapsed so many times than I can count and I also stopped writing here too. I started my reboot again about 5 days ago.

I just want you to know that I read your journal. I'm sure a lot of people do but choose not to comment or like. I read a lot of journals to keep my head sane and remind myself of the importance of this journey.

Keep fighting bro 💪 . That's the only sure way to overcome this menace.
 

DmdsDmt

Member
Hey man, relapses can be tough and I know the feeling of one peek suddenly spiraling out of control until you O and then it's like what the fuck was I doing.
Anyhow, relapses are part of the healing process. It's ok to feel upset at yourself, but try not to let it discourage you for too long.
You got this. You are stronger than this addiction! 10 days is a good go at it for sure. Get back at it, keep fighting
Man thanks a lot for the support!! I am back at it now for sure. It feels good to get you guy's support. Good luck to u on the journey!
 

DmdsDmt

Member
Hey @DmdsDmt,

I'm also very well aware of the feeling of relapse and the disastrous cycle that comes with it. I joined this community in May and I've relapsed so many times than I can count and I also stopped writing here too. I started my reboot again about 5 days ago.

I just want you to know that I read your journal. I'm sure a lot of people do but choose not to comment or like. I read a lot of journals to keep my head sane and remind myself of the importance of this journey.

Keep fighting bro 💪 . That's the only sure way to overcome this menace.
Aye man thank u for the kind words. Also thanks for reading my journal, even though i barely write here. Also good luck on ur path brother!!!
 

DmdsDmt

Member
DAY 3

I am going to a party tonight and i will drink a bit. Usually i relapse when i come home from a party or smth and im drunk or high. Today i will not relapse! I promise u guys!!
 

TypeN

Active Member
DAY 3

I am going to a party tonight and i will drink a bit. Usually i relapse when i come home from a party or smth and im drunk or high. Today i will not relapse! I promise u guys!!
You got this man. I know that feeling; for me back in college it was weed that did that for me. The way I've come to see it is that with substances one's brain is being put into a very excitable state in general, so it really wants to do something with it ... and as addicts, the most "interesting" (or rather, stimulating) thing we're accustomed to doing with mental excitement is PMO. But you can definitely do other more fulfilling things with it. Good luck tonight dude.
 

DmdsDmt

Member
You got this man. I know that feeling; for me back in college it was weed that did that for me. The way I've come to see it is that with substances one's brain is being put into a very excitable state in general, so it really wants to do something with it ... and as addicts, the most "interesting" (or rather, stimulating) thing we're accustomed to doing with mental excitement is PMO. But you can definitely do other more fulfilling things with it. Good luck tonight dude.
Thank you for reading man! You are right about weed man. I have been trying to quit and i stopped smoking regularly. Now i do it when there's a party or smth. That night at the party was very good tho. I didnt PMO when i got home, in still on the streak. Even more, there was this girl at the party that i was flirting with. She was throwing me the nastiest shittests in front of everybody the whole night and i was throwing it back at her so smooth and everyone was going crazy and laughing. I have never been this smooth in my life and also in front of everyone. I also kissed her at the end but didnt take her home cause i was tired. Usually i would be more of the friendly guy who tries to avoid conflict and end up in the friendzone. My fear now is that my dick might not work when having sex.. thats why i was also avoiding taking her home. I hope i still have a door open tho.. So thank you guys for the kind words! I swear nofap been giving me insane energy as long as i keep doing things that scare me.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thank you for reading man! You are right about weed man. I have been trying to quit and i stopped smoking regularly. Now i do it when there's a party or smth. That night at the party was very good tho. I didnt PMO when i got home, in still on the streak. Even more, there was this girl at the party that i was flirting with. She was throwing me the nastiest shittests in front of everybody the whole night and i was throwing it back at her so smooth and everyone was going crazy and laughing. I have never been this smooth in my life and also in front of everyone. I also kissed her at the end but didnt take her home cause i was tired. Usually i would be more of the friendly guy who tries to avoid conflict and end up in the friendzone. My fear now is that my dick might not work when having sex.. thats why i was also avoiding taking her home. I hope i still have a door open tho.. So thank you guys for the kind words! I swear nofap been giving me insane energy as long as i keep doing things that scare me.

That’s awesome dude. And hey — even if nothing else happens with her, that evening of fun was definitely worth staying clean. 🤘
 
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