Hullo Darkness

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downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Welcome, I think it’s a great choice to show up here. Many people here are incredibly supportive and might say something you need to hear when you need it most! I know I’ve learned a lot about addiction and even about myself as a person since joining here, and just the act of writing down a couple of sentences now and then is very therapeutic.

Like you say, porn can be a way to escape from reality, in order to not look at the problems you might be experiencing. For me, it’s been about numbing the pain from the anxiety of being isolated and lonely. I stopped trying at all because I could always come back to porn.

If things have gone a bit too far sexually, then abstaining from porn and sex might be a way to reset yourself and be content with more “normal” stuff. I don’t judge someone who wants things to be a bit rough, but I also think that resetting yourself might be a way to know how your preferences have been influenced by porn.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hey, one thing at a time - I can understand that. I know I wouldn’t turn away sex if I had the chance!

Choosing to keep away from porn is tough in itself, you can be proud of that. Your therapist told you to ditch porn, but we all know it’s not that easy without having some sort of strategy. Do you have any steps you might take to make it happen?
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
That’s good! I really have to commend you for seeking help with a therapist, it shows your willingness to make a change. Lots of people know they need to do something, but refuse to ask for help and so they get stuck in a loop.

I guess I would begin with looking at interests or hobbies, it might be good to do something familiar or maybe try something new.

Just to provide an example, recently I started running every now and then after work. Sometimes I go easy, other days I have lots of energy and sprint. Some days I bring a towel and take a quick bath in the ocean afterwards - sometimes it takes cold water to make you feel anything when porn has numbed any sensation in life.

For me, it has to do with getting out of the house when I’ve got nothing to do, otherwise I’m sitting around all by myself at home - and that’s when I start thinking about porn. The physical activity is an added bonus.

Anyways, it’s hard to give specific advice without knowing someone. 😄 I guess exercise is great for anyone, and it gets you out into the world. Is there anything else you really like doing, or always wanted to try, that you see yourself spending some time on?
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Nice, that sounds good! Like you said, great thing about the gym is that you get to spend that energy and end up feeling better and better in the long run. And it becomes a routine that you can go to instead of the thing you want to do less.

Great that you’re out there hanging with friends etc, that’s what it’s all about! My issues with porn has led me to isolation, I guess it’s easy to forget that each person has their own struggles in different ways!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yes, congrats on day 2! I know it can be a real challenge to give it up, but it gets easier the more you try. Days will turn to weeks soon enough.

Also good job on joining a gym, that was quick! I’m thinking of doing the same once fall/winter gets here, where I live it can get pretty bleak during the winter months.

I get what you’re saying about porn/sex being an automatic thing - it’s like a compulsive act. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of that. I think it can be empowering to actually start to notice when it happens and have the ability to say no. Meditation helps in that sense, because you learn to be more aware :)
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yeah, it’s the dependence that makes it such an issue, personally I used to seek out porn instead of dealing with life itself. That had to go.

I don’t know if I’m necessarily anti-porn myself, although I believe that the industry itself has got a lot of shitty things about it like exploiting performers. Independently produced things are a different thing, because at least the creators are in control of everything. And anti-sex, absolutely not either!

Daily meditations should do you good! I need to be better at getting it done regularly, it’s so easy to forget about.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Good job on a few days porn free and moving towards healthy habits. I totally get that compulsiveness, I think most everyone here knows all too well how once that switch flips its hard to turn it back. But it does get easier. Just like everything else in life, the more you practice those behaviors, good and bad, the easier or more automatic that behavior becomes.

I will say, in my experience. Sex has had a much more intense connection since not using P. It makes me appreciate the realness of my wife and her total essence. Sounds cheesy, but I went so long chasing fantasies that I didn't see the beautiful woman that was there the whole time.

Keep going, I think you'll really start to see the benefits of not artificially stimulating your brain, and that connection you're seeking will come naturally.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Well done on those 3 days! Hold on to that feeling and it should get easier in time. And good job on getting started in the gym!

Totally get that feeling of your previous relationship driving you towards porn, I’ve felt that as well. The memories of having sex with my ex girlfriend has fuelled my fantasies since we broke up, it’s not easy to figure out.

Fantasy or not, don’t let that search for something you had dictate the way you live your life today.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Thanx for the comments, @Onmyway19. Yes, I do hope it will get easier over time. It obviously makes a lot of sense that it works that way. As for the more intense connection without porn, I'm not sure if that works the same for me. Perhaps I'm chasing something right now, but it's not a fantasy. I have experienced it and I think I can experience it again. Right now, porn is a poor substitute, but I do know it's out there. I think that is different from your situation.
Definitely different from my situation. We all have many different reasons for finding this place. One thing that is universal to all of our journeys, is that real is always better.

Real life connections, emotions, fears, and triumphs will never be replicated by anything digital. There's great reward in facing the trials of life, without escaping into our bad habits. Not that casual sex or drinking or even porn (for some) are necessarily bad, but they are all easy sources of dopamine, which is what our brains are really seeking.. Its not done overnight or without challenges. Definitely takes some work.

Here you are doing that work, so be proud of that. Be proud of the fact you're taking steps to make your life better.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I hope you didn't take that as me saying casual sex is bad. I could care less what 2 adults do in their free time. We all wanna get off and have some fun😜🤪. And just because you're in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean vanilla sex either..

My point is, to reboot your brain successfully and close those neural pathways that porn opened, its best to avoid or limit those easy sources of dopamine. Your brain can't tell the difference from the source, only that its being fed what it wants. It seeks those easy sources, because that's what we've programmed it to. Find good sources of dopamine, (gym, art, reading, even casual sex if done with the right intent😉) to replace those negative sources.

Don't stop doing the things you enjoy, just do them for the right reasons.

I hope you don't take this as me being judgemental, I'm really not. Just trying to help out a fellow rebooter. Not that I'm an expert but I've made a lot of mistakes to learn from🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yeah, same here. Masturbation without porn has actually made it more enjoyable in a way, because I’m not fixated on a screen trying to find the perfect thing to get me going. I get more in tune with the sensations and whatever I’m picturing in my head. Then again I notice that I quickly get bored with it and just want to finish, which leads to a less intense climax - but I do prefer it over spending hours edging to porn. More free time to do something else, I guess. :D
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Day 3: the last two days were kinda busy and I didn't really have time to watch porn. Of course I could have, but I didn't. I do find it hard though. Naturally I do have my sexual urges and when I masturbate I do have to hold back to not put on porn. I don't mind, but watching porn while masturbating has become such a natural thing to me that it seems weird not to want that.
Halfway to day 6😉. Good job.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Lol I have to say I don't really get bored. It's just that with porn you want go on and on. Totally agree on the sensations though. It's just different without porn. And I guess edging is different for (part of) women than for men. While I do like getting to the edge and return, I'm also ready to go again right after an orgasm. So I guess there is a bit less need for edging. Don't know if that makes sense🙄
Yeah, that makes sense. I guess women need a lot more downtime after an orgasm. That might be why we can develop problems reaching orgasm during sex because we hold off so long while watching porn and looking for the perfect moment. And then with actual sex that perfect moment might not arrive.

I definitely enjoy edging, but I have a feeling that doing it so much to porn has been ruining my ability to enjoy sex with a woman. I’d rather hold off on porn and have that ability back. :)
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I get that. I don't think porn had such an effect on me. Well, I guess porn might play a role in me getting bored with anything close to vanilla sex, but then again that might just not be my thing. I find that quite hard to tell. Would I have been different if I had never watched porn? I might not know about certain things, but I think I would still enjoy things along the same line I do enjoy now. I can't really imagine myself only enjoying vanilla.
Yes, I can imagine it’s hard to tell what has had that influence. A lot of people escalate in what kind of porn they watch, because they need more and more intense things to be able to get off.

Personally my preferences didn’t really change that much over the years of watching porn, but what changed for me was after a few years of my ex girlfriend encouraging me to be more controlling and dominant in bed. Even though I’d seen a lot of that in porn, I didn’t really get it at first, but after a while it started becoming what I wanted too. And I agree, it does feel amazing when you both have an understanding about it and it feels safe, if that makes sense.

I find that my fantasies are often (but not always) about that kind of sex, and I do wonder whether it’s natural or if it’s just my preference. I don’t know if it was my ex or the porn that made me grow to like it.

Also, I just don’t know if a girl I might get together with is into that stuff. Most likely she won’t be, and I don’t want to be in a position where the only way I can get off is to do things she would be uncomfortable with.

In any case, I don’t think it would hurt anyone to watch less porn. And nice job on 6 days! :)
 
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swimmer97

Member
I get that. I don't think porn had such an effect on me. Well, I guess porn might play a role in me getting bored with anything close to vanilla sex, but then again that might just not be my thing. I find that quite hard to tell. Would I have been different if I had never watched porn? I might not know about certain things, but I think I would still enjoy things along the same line I do enjoy now. I can't really imagine myself only enjoying vanilla.
asked myself the same question. i also have the tendency to be submussive (as a male) and have fetishes and thats perfectly fine.

The thing with porn which i realised is that porn can escalate these fetishes in an extreme, unhealthy path. Your brain wants more extreme stuff everytime + new stuff to get aroused. And that really fast.

At least this is how it was for me. Its like eating chocolate. Doing it too much and too often is doing the harm. Its not about liking chocolate.
 

swimmer97

Member
But what if you actually like that extreme path? I do agree that you should avoid too much unhealthy behaviour, but then again, some things can be healthy on one front and unhealthy on another. It's often not as straightforward as it might seem.
totally get your point. i am at a point where i could only be aroused by my escalated fetishes due to porn (that was my waking up). at least you are still aroused by vanilla sex.

For an addict (like i was, not sure if your addicted as well) my brain needed always more extreme stuff when it came to porn. Like with every other drug, you need a higher dose to get the same arousal.

In the end one can go really deep into the rabbit hole. Thats the damaging part i think.

i personally think that noone should quit or deny his/her kink if that kink is fullfilling to the person and makes him/her feel good also after climaxing.

I would just quit porn and go with the "no real, no deal" thing. In your example of course with someone that is treating you well only shares the kink stuff in bedroom. no toxic stuff like with your ex.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I think it's important to find something you also connect with on a sexual level. Personally I really couldn't be with a guy that isn't dominant. Sex is way too important. Perhaps who I have become is not who I would have been without porn, but it is who I am now. When looking for a partner that is of course something I have to take into account.
Yes, good point. I guess I think a lot about needing to be perfect for that person, instead of realising you can’t really know how it works until you try.

Agree that having the right chemistry with a person is important! I think the danger lies when it overpowers anything else like letting a person exploit or walk all over you outside of the sex life. I’ve had more than my share of that.
 
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