Something is happening

[Cnai Iere]

Hi all,

I am here because I have been seeing a counsellor for the last year about various issues in my life. Porn is one that has come up from time to time in our sessions. I have thought about stopping sometimes but something happened after therapy session last week. I found myself not using porn for a few days and feeling good. One day however, I had a trigger and I felt the usual "why not?/who is it harming?/it's only a little bit of porn and then you can go right back to work/it will feel nice etc etc etc". I thought about how good I had been feeling for the last few days and stayed with my trigger for a few moments. Almost out of desperation I decided to look up some information about porn addiction. A way to use the energy I had for recovery I guess. I didn't want to ignore the feeling and try and distract myself in other ways. I came across 'Your Brain On Porn' and started listening to it whilst working. I immediately felt better and my trigger strength started diminishing. Over the next few hours/days I felt as though I had come up on a beautiful wave of life. I have been feeling so empowered over the last few days. I am also abstaining from alcohol and weed for the last month or so, but never abstained from porn. My therapist believes all of these are addictions and intertwined. I am on day 10 and I believe I have never felt as pure in my adult life as I have this past week. I have had an extremely productive week, getting many tasks done that I would otherwise neglect till the last minute or indefinitely. I can identify with much of what I've heard in YBOP, and it feels good. I'm not sure what's happening but it strikes me that this is no coincidence that this sense of empowerment has come over me during the longest stretch of time without porn, probably since my mid/late teens. I feel that I have the space and energy to accomplish my full potential.

At this time I'm not entirely sure where I stand with my substance use. I am doing my best to examine myself at the moment, but I can confidently say that I'm starting to believe my using of porn has effected my life in all areas. My use was out of control and I wasn't even aware of its effects enough to be in denial about it. I am so glad I found YBOP and everything that it has led me to. That day that I started listening to it instead of using porn feels like some kind of birth-day for me.

I am here writing this now because I found myself triggered once again. I had been listening to YBOP and another book whenever I felt triggered but today I wanted to try something new.

Thank you for setting up this forum and sharing your experience and wisdom, and for making it so available.

Wishing you all the best.


Cnai

 

[Daybyday1988]

definitely a great use of your cravings, to put them into something positive like coming to this site. Im glad you are feeling positive about things but i just want to caution you, that you need to prepare yourself for when things dont feel good and you want to use again. most men report serious ups and downs, mood swings, emotional instability etc. especially given that you have other substance abuse issues, it would be helpful to prepare mentally with a plan for when you are feeling depressed.

My therapist believes all of these are addictions and intertwined

addictions as a whole usually are. they come from a perceived need to escape from reality. this can be through the use of a chemical (drugs, alcohol etc) or a behavior (eating, PMO, sex, gambling, shopping etc). the key to ending them i think is to abstain from their consumption for the short term using whatever serious boundaries necessary such as a porn blocking software with porn addiction, in order to buy you some time to psychologically learn how to cope with the strong cravings to use the substance (porn, weed, alcohol..)

 

[Cnai Iere]

Thank you Dadbyday1988. A plan for the more difficult situations is something that I have thought about but have not put on paper yet. That is also the first time I have heard of PMO as it includes the three habbits, which leads me to here..

Day 11 and I find myself asking if it's okay to masturbate without porn (yesterday a lot too). I am aware that using any media, even non pornographic or unhealthy memories/fantasies may be/is the same as using porn. I feel I should abstain on the whole, at least for now. But, I don't feel as black and white about this as I do with porn - I would like to be though. As I think about making a plan for very triggering situations, already I am thinking I can just masturbate without porn and fantasies if it gets really bad - but I don't want this in my plan, but that's where my thoughts go.

I have had an issue which has caused me much pain over the years and it is this: I have been addicted to fantasising about my girlfriend - and previous partner before her - having sex with other men. In my head it is the most arousing thought but in reality it is the most painful. I am in progress with my therapist about this issue and trying to get to the root of it. Although my therapist has been great for me with many different things, they have suggested another therapist who specialises in sex and love addiction. I was about to make the switch until I started feeling so much better last week after abstaining from porn for the fist time. I have had only two triggers for the fantasy since, one small, one of medium intensity. Stopping porn seems to have reduced this desire to below 1% - which I am so so happy and grateful for.

I haven't seen my therapist since abstaining and will see them again in 4 days. I will then decided about whether or not to see the other therapist. I'm guessing the answer is a solid yes. I am a little scared about making the switch - starting again with a new therapist and possibly exploring sensitive parts of my personality and life I guess. I believe abstaining from porn will allow me the space and mental energy to work on things in a way I have not done before. I know there is much work to be done as well as just abstaining. I knew the fantasy was an addiction but now I know for sure that porn is too.

Maybe watching porn from a young age (videos from 14/15 ) has influenced me far more than I ever thought. Lot's of accounts of this in the YBOP book. Maybe my fantasy about my partner is a sort of toxic by-product of my porn use and not the serious personal issue I thought it was. It may be both. But maybe I'm not as fucked up as I thought I was, just drunk on porn for 18 years.

Feeling pretty great today.

Again, thank you for the space you have given me.

Empowerment to you all.


Cnai

 

[Daybyday1988]

Day 11 and I find myself asking if it's okay to masturbate without porn (yesterday a lot too). I am aware that using any media, even non pornographic or unhealthy memories/fantasies may be/is the same as using porn.

correct. as the late Gary Wilson said on the YBOP website: "the difference between porn and porn fantasy, is the mouse." i strongly advise you against jerking off. 1. because its almost impossible as a porn addict to separate jerking off and porn fantasy and 2. your brain needs a break from orgasms in order to resensitize to dopamine again. give your receptors a break man!

In my head it is the most arousing thought but in reality it is the most painful

this fantasy sounds similar to a genre of P that i wont mention by name but involves a similar subject matter. thoughts like these trigger parts of the brain responsible for anxiety, worry, and stress which are actually pretty well linked with porn abuse. This is how it is easy to get hooked on shocking/disgusting porn genres even when you aren't actually interested in the acts themselves in real life. For example, a straight guy watches gay or tranny porn despite not being interested in those interactions in real life. This is because the porn material shocks his brain by triggering nervousness and anxiety along with a sexual conditioning mechanism like masturbating. I remember the feeling well, it legit feels like how i imagine opioid use would be. just an intense orgasm followed by a feeling of being lifeless.

 

[Cnai Iere]

I am once again on day 1.

I relapsed a few weeks back. It was a new feeling for me. I suddenly knew that I was going to allow myself to use. This time I wasn't going to do my little plan of action for being triggered like I had done previously. I was conscious of a presence of 'yep it's happening'. Like a stronger person holding on to you and leading you somewhere where you sort of don't really want to go at all.

Since it happened I have been using porn daily again - and not feeling too bad about it, However, I found my taste getting more extreme and once again had the same thought - okay this isn't me.

Also feeling relieved I haven't had that feeling with alcohol or weed - I still don't know if I need to stop for good. But, I believe that my porn use could be a gateway to undesirable substance use too.

Rather than write much more now I am going to go on the forum and read and be part of the community in that way.

Thank you and power to you all.

Cnai