100 Day Journal II: The Revamp

[Yelashade]

Hey guys,

Unfortunately, I broke my 200+day streak and PMO'd, so I'm just going to start again and try to beat that record and surpass it once and for all. No more P, no nothing. I'm doing 100 Days of no PMO and we'll see what happens after then.

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I've successfully completed my 100 days of no PMO and I'm transitioning to regular MO every day. I'm now feeling more positive and better in myself and I'm just on here every now and then to post my post journal progress. Compared to how I was before? I feel heaps better and now I'm definitely well distracted. Just focused on doing me and moving forward!

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Pretty new to the forum and I've seen quite a few posts with people writing down their journals to keep track of their progress so here it goes haha. My situation is this - I'm someone who is:

• A graduate
• Broke
• Unemployed
• Not really going anywhere in life
• Dumped by my gf in September (so she can sow her wild oats in another country for a year)
• Unfit

I have also been addicted to porn since I was like 13/14. I guess the mistake (that everyone makes) is that I didn't think it was a problem. A (usually) single guy that isn't getting laid reverts to porn to meet his sexual gratification. I got with my first gf when I was 15 and I didn't experience any erectile issues at all with her. While my porn started off as "innocent", so to speak, when I went to uni (aged 19), my porn preferences were heading into a more extreme direction. When I got with my 2nd gf, I noticed performance issues but I never thought that came from porn. Even after her with my current ex, I had problems maintaining my erection and I still didn't think that porn was the issue.

Only after recently seeing an article about the effects of porn on the brain on Facebook did I finally realise that I've been harming my brain by watching such extreme and unreal fantasies. So I've decided to give up on PMO completely for 100 days and, purely by chance (I promise haha), Day 100 on my counter is my birthday! To celebrate that, I  would love to go out and get laid but I think a well earned imagination wank wouldn't be too bad/a good start haha.

Anyway, I'm going to start this journal properly on Day 35 and post every 5 days to show you guys my progress! I'll write my first month experiences and let you know about my progress so far as well.

Update: When I was in a relationship with my first ex, I didn't watch P for months at a time because she always kept me satisfied and pretty much did it when I wanted. In the month that preceded my current ex breaking up with me, I didn't watch P as much. It was mainly fantasy M over past experiences, I don't think there was much influence from P. I was just a wreck and missed my ex so much. I wonder if that has a positive impact on my reboot or not.

I know many of you will probably think "oh, this is just another journal that I can skim over quickly" and that's absolutely fine. But if this journal does anyone any good at all, please post on here and let me know!

Good luck to all of you and I hope that you guys achieve that better life without P you all desire.

 

[Yelashade]

First Month Experience

Words cannot describe how miserable I am right now. No job interviews coming my way (which means no job) so I can't afford to socialise and do certain things and I'm seriously missing my ex like crazy. I really need someone, namely her, to help me get through this process. My mind keeps fantasising and it's difficult to push back sometimes, especially when I can't follow through with the fantasy with PMO or even just MO. I'm trying my best to keep myself as distracted as I can, but it's difficult when you're at home and all you have to look forward to is applying for jobs.

I've had a few interviews now and hopefully something should come through with that. I kissed another girl (though I wanted no part in it/it was forced and a shit kiss lol) and I feel like it's distracted me a little from my focus of healing my P addiction. I'm starting to see myself heading into a flatline now and I'm having cycles of a good day followed by a bad day. My mind is starting to adjust as I'm garnering better control of my fantasies and urges to masturbate.

My mood cycles are starting to get larger. I'm going about 5 days at a time feeling good followed by another 5 feeling bad. During my good days, I'd feel happier, energetic and there is a desire to do something productive. On my bad days, I'm very snappy towards the people closest to me and I let my thoughts linger a lot on my ex. However, there is a sense of structure about this and I'm hoping that things pick up soon. It's not easy dealing with this but I'm having complete faith in this process and I'm hoping that, when my birthday comes round, I'll be a better person overall.

 

[streichert]

Yelashade I find the hardest times to resist are when I'm down/depressed and feeling ineffective.  Usually exercise and working towards a goal help me overcome that, but sometimes not.  What are you interested in or passionate about?  Is there any way for you to progress with your skills/aptitude in your line of work while applying for jobs?

Keep going strong, 100 days is a big goal but totally worth it.

 

[Yelashade]

Hey streichert,

Thanks for getting back to me lol. I guess I've noticed the same sort of temptation when I'm down/depressed as well because I suppose it's the go-to-do thing when you need comfort. I've started working out because I want that "model body" that the girls love and generally I'm keeping myself busy now. I've got Jury service and some voluntary experience for the next month to keep my occupied while I try and apply for jobs at the same time. I'm trying to look for any form of work experience to help my application process as well by handing out my CV, looking up charity fundraising etc so I'm trying lol.

I'm passionate about singing and music in general, which I will go into detail with on Day 35. I'm also passionate about travelling to the USA, which is why I would love to get a job ASAP and save up for a month long excursion around the East Coast next summer. I'm trying not to waste my hours away just sitting and thinking.

Thanks a lot for the encouragement bro, I really appreciate that. I hope you're getting through this process alright as well, we both know it's not easy and it is mentally taxing.

 

[Yelashade]

Day 35

Well these last 5 days have been pretty awful haha! My thoughts are really lingering on my ex and it sucks. I had to message her over the weekend because I had something of hers that I wanted to return. I also had a nightmare about her which I now seem to be thinking about every 5 mins ever since. My fantasies are coming back, but they are not porn fantasies. They're more memories/ twists on situations where sex/more sex was possible and me taking advantage of it. I don't know if that's bad or not, but I'm having difficulties in pushing them away. This combined with my other problems of being broke/no job/no sense of direction are just killing me. I want to rage and lash out, I'm getting snappy with everyone. I'm trying to fight but it's so difficult. I just really want this phase to end right now before I explode. I'm trying to keep faith in this process as much as I can and battle through it to the bitter end.

 

[LS90]

You'll fell better. We all do! you haven't said anything about the music thing though 

 

[Yelashade]

Hey LS90,

Thanks for the motivation, it's reassuring to know that this phase is not uncommon and will pass! As for the music thing, I will talk about it when I post for Day 40

 

[Yelashade]

Day 40

Sorry this is late.

I've started singing lessons. My mum and grandma always told me as a kid that I have some serious potential to be a good singer, but my peers/basically everyone else seemed to think otherwise. Only had a few lessons but my teacher is happy with my progress so that's keeping me positive! Always feel good on singing lesson days, which is a break from the recent misery lol.

That being said, I've actually been feeling pretty low and extremely horny. Last Thursday was my best friend's mum's birthday dinner out and I broke my food diet as a result (which I don't regret, food was awesome!). In the lead up to Thursday, I felt strong urges to masturbate and couldn't push (non-porn related) fantasies out of my head. I also felt like I was going nowhere with anything and the Jury service was stressing me out massively. After Thursday, I had a wet dream (which didn't involve any penetration, but more clothes grinding) over one of the mature women that sat on the Jury. Friday I felt so much better and much more released, but a part of me felt like I'd broken my 100 day stretch (which is not true at all!). I still felt very low at times and this followed up over having a wet dream over someone my previous ex knows and dislikes/doesn't want me near. I thought that this was some form of cheating my way out, I'm not sure it's completely OK but I'll see how the next few days go.

Saturday was, like I said, singing day and even though it finished on a high, I felt like it was "too high" and I ended up crashing again. However, that night I "spoke" to my first ever ex (she died last year) and, while initially I thought it was fabricated, I genuinely believe that I spoke to her from wherever death took her. We had a long ass chat about absolutely everything. Took my mind off things and focused on life itself. Talked about what could, would and should have happened between us, family, friends, ex's... she absolutely rinsed my previous ex haha! Had another wet dream over my first ex, but it was the most enjoyable one by far. But yeah, I now have a better outlook on things and I feel more motivated and ready to take on my problems! Here's to hoping that the next few days will be better!

 

[kaybee]

Hey man! First off, good job on 43 days. It took me forever to get there. It looks like you're doing a great job of holding yourself accountable, especially with the regular posting.
I'm sorry about your first girlfriend; I'm glad you were able to get some closure and to reminisce about the good times together.
As for the wet dreams, I obviously don't know anything about them, but I know they're not your fault! Forgive yourself, forget about it, and move on. No use dwelling on something you can't control, right? (Honestly I'm a little jealous that girls can't get guilt-free orgasms in their sleep).
Anyways, welcome to the forum! I'm positive that by the time your 100 days are past you'll have changed quite a few things on that list you started with. And by the way, are you planning on ending the reboot entirely after the 100 days? I understand setting a goal for yourself, but I think it's important to ultimately see this as a lifelong process. What were your plans?

 

[Yelashade]

Hey Kaybee,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my journal!

Hey man! First off, good job on 43 days. It took me forever to get there. It looks like you're doing a great job of holding yourself accountable, especially with the regular posting.

Yeah I'm just trying to keep track of everything before I forget haha, it'll be so useful to look back on it and see my progress from the start (or that abouts lol).

I'm sorry about your first girlfriend; I'm glad you were able to get some closure and to reminisce about the good times together.

Yeah I was very sad when she passed on, but like you said, that dream was some form of closure and to think back on better times.

As for the wet dreams, I obviously don't know anything about them, but I know they're not your fault! Forgive yourself, forget about it, and move on. No use dwelling on something you can't control, right? (Honestly I'm a little jealous that girls can't get guilt-free orgasms in their sleep).

You're absolutely right, which is why I've just accepted them for what they are and "enjoyed" them all the same haha! I'm pretty sure girls do get wet dreams lol; I was under the impression that girls get them more frequently than guys do. Maybe it's to do with how "built up" you are/how the preceding days have been for you? The only downside I'd say here is that it wasn't me consciously pleasuring myself/being pleasured by someone, which I think I'd have enjoyed a lot more!

And by the way, are you planning on ending the reboot entirely after the 100 days? I understand setting a goal for yourself, but I think it's important to ultimately see this as a lifelong process. What were your plans?

Oh no, I think I'll stop watching porn for life (unless it involves a partner on occasion), but I think I will start to masturbate maybe once a week to jolt my libido back up. I don't know how it works for a girl, but guys generally seek comfort in masturbation (which is probably what the girls on here were doing too) and the one thing that I hate at the moment is that, when things are difficult, I can't masturbate and release a bit of tension. That's not to say that I'll do it every single time there's a problem, but from time to time when I have a lot of tension. I hope this is the right decision for the future haha!

 

[Yelashade]

Day 45

On the back of chatting with my 1st ex in my dreams last weekend, things have been much better this week! My mentality and approach to things are better and I've become more accepting of situations that cannot be changed. Started my voluntary placement at my old Primary School (ages 4-11), which has been quite exciting and challenging. It's been keeping me distracted as, well to fantasise while there are kids running about isn't good haha! I got a 2nd round interview on Wednesday with a finance company, which went really well and they said they like me a lot! However, they told me today that someone from within the company expressed their interest in the role and they employed them as a result. Bummer. Oh well!

I also spoke to someone today about starting therapy, which was good/bad because it allowed me to accept that I have a problem and hope that a way of overcoming it would come soon, but it made me think a lot about my current situation and I had a bit of a reality check. I really hope the next 5 days are not the beginning of another bad part of the cycle.

I've tried to keep the fantasies to a minimum because, even though they are based on real people and not manipulated by P, I think they might be hindering my progress. I'm lusting after women a lot from working at the primary school because the teachers are mainly women that are a few years older than me haha. I'm trying to direct my M urges towards wanting to get laid, but I don't know if that is also counterproductive. Feeling myself (lol) get these mild headaches that don't hurt too much, but are just there in your head to annoy you, if you know what I mean. However, I'm accepting that this is just part of the reboot and it will pass soon!

Looking forward to seeing old friends on the weekend, the 2nd week of my placement next week and 50 days! Nearly halfway there

 

[Shameonus]

fantastic progress bro! keep it up

 

[Yelashade]

Day 50

Well I'm at my halfway point, so feeling pretty good about that! My voluntary service has been off lately, but as of today, I've been better at sorting my problems out and dealing with social anxieties and what not. Got an interview for a sales job coming up hopefully, so that should be exciting!

On to the negatives lol. After my phone therapy session last Friday, I went into my bad cycle, however, I think I handled it a bit better. I think I'm still having wet dreams, but I don't remember the fantasies lol. I also want to have sex. Badly. I know a lot of you on here are all about getting a serious relationship with a girl and respecting her and what not. I'm totally interested in that too. Just not now. I'm 22 and my ex just ditched me a few months ago. I want to go out and have some fun. Yeah I know a meaningful connection would be better for the reboot, but fuck that right now. I'm going to sign up to Tinder later this week and meet a few girls. I want to start rewiring with my reboot and hopefully get a fwb situation going. It will distract the fantasies from my brain and provide me the opportunity to go out and get some. I'm trying not to stay too focused on it, but it'll help knowing that I'm going to meet real people!

I'm also thinking about my ex a lot these days and how it went so wrong blah blah zzzzzz. I cba with feeling this way anymore. I'm sick of feeling like I need her. The Reboot Nation Music Playlist has really been helping. Everyone's suggestions have really made me find my strength in times of darkness, so thank you to all who contributed to it (look in Porn Addiction)! I know something good will come soon and I've got to stay as positive as I can. So here's to being halfway there and to success for the other half!

 

[LS90]

On to the negatives lol. After my phone therapy session last Friday, I went into my bad cycle, however, I think I handled it a bit better. I think I'm still having wet dreams, but I don't remember the fantasies lol. I also want to have sex. Badly. I know a lot of you on here are all about getting a serious relationship with a girl and respecting her and what not. I'm totally interested in that too. Just not now. I'm 22 and my ex just ditched me a few months ago. I want to go out and have some fun. Yeah I know a meaningful connection would be better for the reboot, but fuck that right now. I'm going to sign up to Tinder later this week and meet a few girls. I want to start rewiring with my reboot and hopefully get a fwb situation going. It will distract the fantasies from my brain and provide me the opportunity to go out and get some. I'm trying not to stay too focused on it, but it'll help knowing that I'm going to meet real people!

Don't worry man! You're absolutely NOT the only one. I'm in the same situation as well.

Also, remember: if you're in a supportive relationship and she helps you with this - well, great. But, if you're in a bad relationship where she is not much supportive, doesn't get the problem, becomes colder etc..  super, super, bad.

"Better alone than badly accompanied"! It's a quote by the sex and the city writer (yes, I'm fairly embarassed) but it's damn true.

Whenever you're back into the dating/sex game, remember about the dangers of the chaser effect. Don't fall for that! http://yourbrainonporn.com/do-you-need-a-chaser-after-sex

 

[kaybee]

Yelashade.... didn't you just tell me to get off of Tinder?
It was good advice. I listened to it and it helped with some of my anxiety. You should listen to it too!
And congrats on the interview, I hope that works out for you.

 

[thespecialjuan]

don't stop believing brotha, positive attitude brings you a long way, believe and go and take it

 

[Yelashade]

@LS90

Thank God I'm not the only one, I was beginning to wonder if everyone on here only prioritised a meaningful relationship haha. Also, while your quote speaks volumes of truth... Sex and the City?!  ??? haha but in all seriousness, I feel wiser now that I've gone through a breakup and been single for a few months and I'm not going to involve myself with someone that cannot accept me for who I am anymore. Just gonna have some fun now haha!

Thanks for the link as well, I had a good read of that and I feel like I'm completely aware of the domino effects off of that. I know that might sound naive and stupid, but I'm never going back to porn. If I were to masturbate, it would be rewiring masturbation focused on the sensation/past real life experiences.

I'm just going to see how Tinder goes and I'll post about it for Day 55

@thespecialjuan

Thanks for the motivation bro, I really appreciate that! I do feel better that you guys are taking the time out to read/reply to my journal

 

[MyStruggle]

Well done on reaching your halfway point, Yelashade. I would personally avoid using Tinder due to the triggers it uses. But if you want to get laid, then I suppose it's alright. Don't relapse!

 

[Yelashade]

Day 55

Well I have been feeling better in general, I think a bit of morning wood is coming back but I'm not completely sure yet haha! School exp has been great, felt more confident and really enjoyed it. Met some old school friends on Thurs after singing, good to see them after a while lol. Went to a concert on Friday night with a few friends, best concert I've seen in a while! Saw Hunger Games on Saturday, really looked forward to that! I've been very well distracted these last few days, so I'm hoping that'll impact me down there haha.

My negatives are largely from yesterday. My ex is leaving to go and enjoy life in another country for a year in about half a month's time. I sent her a big text saying good luck and I hope that things work out for her. What followed was some of the best conversation we had since we broke up. My heart felt absolutely trashed after that convo. She talks like she doesn't really give a shit about me or anything I say. I've initiated every single conversation we've had (sorry I know nobody cares about this part haha). She told me if I need to contact her, get her through fb... she wanted to be friends and now it's seeming like a one way thing. I hate the fronting she does. I hate the bs she puts me through. I suggested we go on skype and chat. No reply. I don't care anymore. Run away and leave my mind alone. I'm beginning to feel like this battle against P isn't directed at P itself; I have to delve deeper to stop this bs. My other problems aren't helping. I didn't use Tinder either. I fixed up on my priorities. I need a job, not a girl. I'm trying but I'm struggling to hold things together. I feel so low right now. Hah, and OneRepublic's "Apologize" has just come on my playlist. What a fitting song. I wish things were different. We could have had so much together. I'd say it's too late to apologise, but you don't even give a shit.

I think I'm flatlining. I'm interested in women, but no boners or nothing. I like the physical side of women and enjoy perving and what not, just no reaction. No, this is one of the lowest points in my reboot phase by quite a bit. I'm just gonna have some time to myself to reflect. P isn't even an option.

 

[Yelashade]

I just want to apologise for being so damn emotional on my journal. I didn't even realise I was doing it haha. When you're dealing with all the things I listed in my first post, it's bad enough; but when the person you love to absolute pieces throws you away because she can't be bothered with you anymore, coupled with finding out less than a month later that you're suffering from PIED, it pushes you over to the edge of destruction. But this is a site to deal with P addiction, not an emotional counselling session. For Day 60, I will keep my emotions to a brief sentence or 2, unless it's directly impacting/being impacted by my reboot.