100 Day Journal II: The Revamp

[LS90]

I just want to apologise for being so damn emotional on my journal. I didn't even realise I was doing it haha. When you're dealing with all the things I listed in my first post, it's bad enough; but when the person you love to absolute pieces throws you away because she can't be bothered with you anymore, coupled with finding out less than a month later that you're suffering from PIED, it pushes you over to the edge of destruction. But this is a site to deal with P addiction, not an emotional counselling session. For Day 60, I will keep my emotions to a brief sentence or 2, unless it's directly impacting/being impacted by my reboot.

Well.. It is and it is not. I guess most of the times we tend to risk relapsing when we are under the weather. Henceforth the strong emotional part in most of the journals. Not whiny at all man! Absolutely. feel free to write of what you want. It's your journal, it's your story. As a community we read, we motivate, we help.. and definitely not judge.

 

[Yelashade]

Day 60

Well I must say things are... different - both better and worse. I've been extremely busy this week dealing with interviews, voluntary service and whatnot. I guess you can say I've been pretty distracted during the day lol, which is good because my mind isn't really given too much time to think about my situation. I guess I'm starting to focus a little better, but gahhhh the stalemate in my life is still getting to me haha.

My mind still keeps bringing "vanilla" fantasy into my mind and I can't seem to stop it. I find myself really aroused by it and I'm thinking about it for a while, especially when I'm in bed (morning and night). Again, the thing is, I don't care about P; I care about having sex or M only. I'm again finding myself debating whether I should just M to get it out of my system. I'm afraid of the "chaser" effect and I'm not going to be naive and say "it won't happen to me". I suspect that checking women out might be somewhat harmful to my reboot, but I can't help it. It feels more natural to pursue a real woman, but obviously you can't just have sex with them there and then (unless you have extreme skill haha). Again, just holding out here, nothing more to say. I'm hoping that I will get the results I want and need :\

 

[kaybee]

I wouldn't feel too concerned about it, but I would try to  get the fantasies under control. "Vanilla" fantasies about real women are a good sign, and proof you're getting your natural libido back. On the other hand, it's going to make it a lot harder. As a porn addict, you're used to immediate reward and satisfaction. Part of the reboot process is rewiring yourself to wait for real sex. But like you said, it's not going to happen "then and there" and you're left dwelling on it all day which isn't helpful. I would also caution that while you're checking these women out, make sure you're not objectifying them. Are you focusing on one part of their body? Are you seeing them as only something for sex?  Try thinking about who they are as people and what a date with them would be like.  I don't know what it's like for you, but I didn't even notice I was doing it until pretty late in my reboot.  Objectifying women is another unfortunate side of P addiction though and while checking them out is nice, make sure it's not hurting your reboot  in the long run.  It sounds like you've already come to some of these conclusions, but hearing them again never hurts, right?  Keep up the good work!

 

[Yelashade]

@LS90

Thanks for the words man, I guess I'm just trying to sort my head out and this is a good place to vent haha. Still though, keeping it strictly P addictions/reboot related!

@Kaybee

Agreed, I've been trying to keep my fantasies a bit more under control and I know that, with a job, I can use that as a suitable distraction. I guess you could say I just see them just for sex, but I do get this sort of "likeable" feeling sometimes with them, where I think what you said about thoughts on going on a date with them apply, but in general I just move on haha! It is a negative side from the reboot, but I'd like to think what I do is more just a "oh, she's hot and she'd definitely get it" and then move on. Thanks a lot for the tips and yes, hearing it again helps  ;D

 

[Yelashade]

Day 65 (sorry this is a day late haha)

Again, a sort of mixed 5 days... I don't know what more to say tbh. It was good because I had a string of interviews, but unfortunately none came to fruition. Had a quiet week I guess. With the Jury Service and my Voluntary Placement (spread over 5 weeks) finished, my mind was given the time to think about my situation again (which is totally not healthy for me).

I can say this though, my mind decided to fight back a little bit. Whenever I felt sad, I told myself that it was part of the process and sort of "moved on" from those thoughts. When watching the TV, for the first time, I fantasised over a a girl cuddling next to me and us two sharing kisses and touching each other (non sexually). Is this progress? I hope so lol. It's happened a little bit more the last few days as well. This is really sad to admit - I used to do this before I first got a gf and in between gf's 1 and 2 - but I would use part of my quilt and pretend it's like my dream girl and sort of... talk to it and tell it I love it and sort of kiss and cuddle it... argh that was so embarrassing to admit haha! But I haven't done that in ages and I guess I'm truly feeling lonely for the first time in a long time.

I had a wet dream over a rape scene. It happened SO quickly and I woke up O'ing like Goku doing a Kamehameha wave haha. I have no idea who the girl I was "raping" was and it's not something that I M'd to in the past. The preceding day, however, I'd read about rape on this forum so... I wonder...

Other than that blip, I can't stop the non-porn fantasies that happen in my head, but I'm reducing them as much as I can. I'm lacking the will to do anything really, like quite a few other people on here. Really feeling demotivated, maybe it's just a seasonal thing? Maybe it's because I know my ex is leaving tomorrow and that'll truly be the end of us and I'm not ready to face that. Who knows? I'm not exercising anymore, lost the will to do that. Not singing, playing the piano, nada. Gah, I don't know what to do anymore.

I sometimes wish I NEVER found this forum. Whilst I don't care for porn, at least I get to see a woman naked. At least that bitch is doing what I want her to do. It's going to be a long time before I get some real action anyway, so why bother rebooting now? My mind isn't full of fetishes so much these days, but I want them back. I want them in my mind ruining my brain and giving me what I want. I want to go back to uni and stay in my room. I want her there with me too. I want my comfort again. Gah.

Nevertheless, I'm holding on. I've got to stay strong for myself. Still hoping for the best here!

 

[Yelashade]

I "relapsed". Today my ex left the UK and is off to another country for a whole year and MO'ing provided me with some much needed comfort. I MO'd twice in quick succession and I felt somewhat better about myself. Blehhh I feel like I've ruined my progress at the same time :\

 

[fightthefight]

Hi mate, it's interesting reading your journal. I can relate to many things you said. It might sound sad, but I have similar longings just to cuddle with a girl sometimes watching a film or TV... for me, I find it really intimate. I think it's progress that you are feeling like that, as porn addiction can often have a deadening effect on feelings. Part of returning to reality is facing the normal, everyday emotional ups and downs of life instead of feeling dead inside most of the time and only alive when watching porn. Ultimately it is better without porn, but being free also means facing pain and frustration, alongside elation and joy.

Sorry to hear about your "relapse", but 66 days without porn is great. Keep going. I had the problem of seeing each MO as a complete relapse and feeling back at square one, so would then binge which is foolish. You haven't viewed porn, you haven't PMO'd. I decided to set up a 2nd counter to help me mentally differentiate between the two, so even if I MO'd, I didn't then think "what the hell... I might as well" and then binge with porn as well. I do want to give up masturbation, but the immediate goal is getting porn out of my life completely and cutting back on masturbation until I can give that up too. You are doing great - I can't wait to be on 66 days!

 

[LS90]

I "relapsed". Today my ex left the UK and is off to another country for a whole year and MO'ing provided me with some much needed comfort. I MO'd twice in quick succession and I felt somewhat better about myself. Blehhh I feel like I've ruined my progress at the same time :\

I'd suggest you to try as better as you can to avoid the binge (e.g. masturbating twice). You hardly have ruined, heck even harmed, your reboot process. Don't worry about it!

If you can manage your cravings and keep away from P even in this difficult emotional times.. Well, congrats.

 

[DesuDesuShou]

This is very inspiring!

 

[Yelashade]

Day 75

Hey guys, sorry I missed out on Day 70 and getting back to some of your responses. I guess this last week or so I've wrapped myself in a cocoon of negativity and self pity. I've also felt super guilty for M'ing every day ever since and I'm not sure if that's counter reset worthy. I suppose the good thing to take from this is that I did not M to P. I want my comfort back, though. Not P, but just the longing desire to hold someone.

I did some thinking; while I know that P directly impacts my sexual performance, I've never really wanted to watch it this year. It's always been a sort of "secondary option" for when 1. my ex didn't want to have sex or 2. I was super horny. I don't actually give 2 shits about P. Right now I just want to have sex. Or some sort of sexual relationship with someone. It'd be nice to connect to someone, but now is not the time and I think I'm more ready to emotionally handle the baggage that comes with that.

Anyway, I want to carry on my progress as I'm 3/4 of the way there now. Christmas and my birthday is coming soon; not looking forward to it at all. I think I might need to see a therapist. I'm not really handling my situation well and I've lost the will to move forward. These positive/negative cycles are really taking their toll on me. I've used tinder but not had any responses. I'm not even using it for sex anymore, just to find someone to chill with really. OH WELL .

Hope everyone's reboot is doing well and that your Christmas prep isn't too last min!

 

[fightthefight]

Keep going mate, you are doing great. You should certainly look for a therapist/counsellor if you think it'll help. Speaking to someone who can give an outside perspective and help you see things clearer can be very helpful part of recovery. Christmas/birthday time is harder when you are single, but there are others out there in similar positions too, if it's any consolation!

It's interesting what you said about your P use. Often with addiction, we end up not actually enjoying the substance itself but we still have cravings for it, especially when in challenging circumstances when surrounded by triggers. It is a breakthrough when you recognise that you don't seek P for itself, but for the effect it has (dulling feelings of loneliness or boredom, giving a temporary feeling of excitement, or even for the familiarity of the emotional cycle).

It is inspiring to see you keeping on - I'm looking forward to getting to where you are. By the way, from the other journals I've read, people often have similar feelings around day 70-80, but seem to come through it after a week or two!

 

[Yelashade]

Thanks for the motivation, fightthefight!

I didn't know people at my stage struggle like this, but I guess it's your brain trying to get in one quick relapse before it truly recovers. I've also notice that, with P I also fantasise with real people halfway through. I notice I did this when I first got sexual with my first gf. The situation in a P video bores me like half way through and, while I don't fantasise over the fetish, I fantasise about a real person to take me of over the edge. I wonder if that impacts? I'm not too bothered that I'm single over Christmas, thought this will be the first time I'm single since the 2011 Christmas haha! Your comments are very to the point and have really made me think about my current position, so thank you for that! I do feel much better for the time being

 

[Yelashade]

Day 85

Things are starting to level out a little, maybe it's due to the excitement over Christmas? I don't know. I've managed to secure a few temp places (like one day work) so I guess that's good. I need money badly haha!

In terms of my P, I'm not interested at all anymore. I never really was, like I said. I'm still desperate to have sex though and cuddle with someone. I'm going to start exercising again and sorting my life out. Fuck feeling like shit. I've got to find the strength and dignity to carry forward and I need to do it now before I spiral down into severe depression. The mental healthcare takes far too long in this country. Nobody's going to help me but me so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the best out of life before it runs away from me. Still young, still can do a lot.

I'm trying to improve my social confidence, just gotta go out there and grab it! Not looking for girls now, just focusing on myself and self improvement. I will post again when I actually follow through. Actions speak louder than words, of course.

I wish everyone on here a very Merry Christmas! Hope you guys have a good one and stay as positive as you can . It does get better, I promise you!

 

[LS90]

Day 85

Things are starting to level out a little, maybe it's due to the excitement over Christmas? I don't know. I've managed to secure a few temp places (like one day work) so I guess that's good. I need money badly haha!

In terms of my P, I'm not interested at all anymore. I never really was, like I said. I'm still desperate to have sex though and cuddle with someone. I'm going to start exercising again and sorting my life out. Fuck feeling like shit. I've got to find the strength and dignity to carry forward and I need to do it now before I spiral down into severe depression. The mental healthcare takes far too long in this country. Nobody's going to help me but me so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the best out of life before it runs away from me. Still young, still can do a lot.

I'm trying to improve my social confidence, just gotta go out there and grab it! Not looking for girls now, just focusing on myself and self improvement. I will post again when I actually follow through. Actions speak louder than words, of course.

I wish everyone on here a very Merry Christmas! Hope you guys have a good one and stay as positive as you can . It does get better, I promise you!

I wish you all the luck in the world. I spiral down in depression myself and I know how you feel. Never took antidepressants or medicines like that.. I think it's one of those silent sicknesses that you can fight yourself if you have enough strength. I'm personally too stubborn to ask other people for help, don't know about you. 

And again, as I told you before, this reboot process is a long rollercoaster of emotions. Hope you'll find some ways to ease this process and find the right person in 2015! All the best!

 

[Yelashade]

Day 95

Happy New Year!

I think I'm coming out of my depressive spiral a bit now, things are looking better and I'm keeping myself more distracted and focused. I haven't MO'd since last year (31st December haha). I can't believe I'm so close to reaching my goal! I'm going to fight this all the way and reach 100 days. Sure it's not 100 days without MO, but there was no P and that's what counts here.

They said it was difficult not to relapse back into P and they were right, it was horrible, hence me staying off my laptop and not coming on here a lot lately. I'm fighting though; I'm telling myself that this is my own battle and I'm forcing myself to stand strong and fight. I can control my mind and I will. I love myself. I am going to get a job. I am going to get fit. I am going to go travelling. I am going to sort my life out. No more bs and excuses anymore. It's so easy to fall down when life hits you, but you've got to carry on and show your strength.

Anyway, besides the motivational speech, I've seen improvements in my mood since I've stopped MO'ing. I don't know, this balance is a tough one. I'm not giving up MO'ing and I do believe that if you MO every day, it's healthy, but I want to wait until I reach 100 days before I next MO. I played the piano today and did some singing in the car. My soul just cleaned itself and I felt so much better. Music truly is indescribably amazing.

I think most importantly is that I'm stopping myself from going on these long droning thoughts of various "should-have-would-have-could-have" past and future situations with my ex. I can't help them coming into my head, but I can control them from escalating.

Let me sort myself out and then I'll go and have some fun

See you on Day 100!!

 

[Yelashade]

Day 100

Well, after just over 3 months, it's finally here! 100 days! I do feel proud that I've achieved this and, despite not cutting out MO completely, there was no P involved whatsoever! It's also my 23rd birthday but I don't care about that lol.

My mindset is changing, I'm starting to appreciate life a little more now and I'm taking a slightly more positive attitude. I exercised today properly for the first time in ages, which I'm happy about. I got a job! Finally things are taking a turn for the better! Now I can start earning money and not being broke haha. To celebrate, I've invited my friends down on Saturday for predrinks and a night out to celebrate, so I've got that which is exciting. If this job brings me what I need, I could live my dream of travelling to the US! Let me sort out my financial situation first though :. I'm not perfect but I'm going to try and be the best person I can possibly be. I need to start being a bit more socially aware and more considerate towards those closest to me.

Importantly, I'm very slowly starting to accept that my ex is gone and will never come back. It's not much, but it's a start and it'll get better. Right now I can't change that I miss her and still love her very much, but I can change the fact that I'm not going to let her harm my mindset anymore. I deserve so much better than that

I wish I had someone I could be intimate with because I want to see if I can start to have proper sex now. M is great, but I want the real deal with a real woman . I find myself becoming sexually attracted to scent, long hair, nuzzling, kissing, touching etc. These are things I'd never in a million years think of as sexual. I'm still M'ing to sex and I'm trying not to tense myself when I do, but it's not P related.

I want to thank everyone on this forum that contributed to my journal; without your thoughts and guidance, I wouldn't have found the motivation to pull through. I'm coming on here less frequently now - not because I've reached my goal - but because I want a life that isn't dependent on this website. I will come back from time to time to say hi and post my progress. I wish you all the best success and, remember, you can beat this addiction! Your strength will come through if you want it badly enough

 

[jkkk]

100 days is a great feat.

Congratulations.

Ditch M and ditch O for some time. And just see how this will make you literally fly, bustling with energy.

But for now enjoy and celebrate your success: anyhow, a good coffee, a cake, whatever. Just celebrate you deserve it.

 

[LS90]

Congrats man! And happy birthday. Hope you'll get where you want. good luck!

 

[fightthefight]

Really encouraging to see you get there mate. Well done! Keep going - you are an inspiration to us

 

[Yelashade]

Thank you very much for the kind words, guys!

I had a great weekend, it was good to see my friends and go out and jam with them all! I think I needed that, my confidence is up! I did get too drunk though and I did lash out a bit at times, which shows that I still need to address some issues. One of my friends has decided to come talk things out with me and help me clear my mind. I hope this helps, because I sure need it haha.

@jkkk

I will try and cut M and O out for a bit, see how that helps out. It'd be good considering that I'll be getting into a job soon and I could do with my energy levels going up.