100 Day Journal II: The Revamp

[Yelashade]

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been very busy and I've tried to stop my dependence on this website. The positives so far since hitting 100 days is that I'm starting to keep myself busy and occupied with my job. It's taken a while to get back into the work routine, but I'm going to get paid soon so I'm excited for that! I'm trying to socialise as much as I can, but I know my financial situation needs to improve first. I also feel better about my situation with my ex and my mind is finally moving on and distracting itself with other girls. It's hard sometimes when I'm alone, but I can deal with that.

The main reason I came back on here is that I went to the doctors earlier and had a "debate" about the effects of porn on the mind. He's made out that porn isn't responsible for my ED. My pre-diagnosis of porn affecting my brain and going through the reboot phase seemed to piss him off and he wanted to go through my health history and see if there was a cause. For a moment, I won't lie, I did feel like this website was a joke. However, I know what caused my ED. I was blind to not realise it before and I'm so glad I found this out the last few months. I feel like the medical people in my life are idiots, which sounds harsh, but they just don't seem to get what P does to people. I feel a bit confused and it's not helping with my urges to watch P.

I've been feeling strong urges to watch P, trying not to M to it and keep my mind clean from P fetishes. It's tough but work is tiring me out and keeping me distracted still. I hope that things improve soon!

I hope you guys are all doing good and I'll post back whenever. Stay strong!

 

[jkkk]

You will find plenty of people rejecting the obvious truth about PMO addictions.

Doctors, I'm sorry to say that, lead the way. It's a pity. It doesn't make sense to talk to them about that.

Keep fighting, Yelashade, it's great to hear about your work - especially if you compare that to your first post in your journal

 

[LS90]

Was it here that I read that a therapist negated the negative effects of porn abuse?? I do know how I feel and felt when I managed to get away from an abusive habit and how I feel everytime I almost fall into it. I seriously hope to see more scientific research backing up these issues in the future..

 

[Yelashade]

@jkkk

That's exactly what I thought; this guy just wouldn't listen to reason whatsoever. I feel like I can't trust anyone's word anymore. That sounds a bit over dramatic, but literally unless I see the proof, I just don't believe anything. I look back at how miserable I was, but I feel so much better and I KNOW that's because I gave up PMO for a while and now just MO every day.

@LS90

That's ridiculous, ANY form of abuse is wrong. I can only hope that science will prove it to be true some day. Gah idk, but until then, I'm just going to stick to my guns and carry on being strong!


This has been getting me down lately and my temptation to watch P is growing. I'll keep fighting though, that's all I can do!

 

[Yelashade]

Hi guys,

Long time no chat! I've been enjoying my new job and been spending a bit more time with my friends. I'm trying to get myself back out there and enjoy life! I'm feeling much more positive and happy, I love talking to people and in general I feel much more confident! I'm still M'ing every day, which is great. I'm getting used to the idea that P is no longer an option when I M, which is difficult but it's all for good .

I took a risk by going back onto social networks for the first time this year (yeah I went off social networking when I realised it was contributing to my depression). I discovered that my ex, not even a month into her year abroad, is already in another relationship (4 months after we broke up). Not gonna lie, that did knock me back a bit, but I guess what we had didn't seem to mean too much to her. I guess I also get the vibe that she's been messing around since we broke up, which hurts even more, especially since she said she wasn't interested in getting into a relationship while travelling. Well, at least I know now that she pretty much used me for 9 months and, while she may have loved me, her bark was much louder than her bite. But hey, she's in another country, so idrc anymore haha.

I just want to get laid! That's my next step. M'ing is good, but it's not the same as being intimate with a woman. Not interested in a relationship, but I'm sure as hell interested in getting some action. It's been nearly 6 months since I last saw a real woman naked, I think I've waited long enough! The problem is finding people to go out with so I can get laid lol. Most importantly, I want to check if I'm "better" down there and the best way to do that is to have sex with someone haha.

 

[Yelashade]

This is just a general post to everyone out there.

I can tell you, hand on heart, that by stopping P and completely getting it out of your system is 100% worth the wait. I'm seeing improvements, I'm still improving on my social skills (which are down there somewhere) but I feel so much more confident in myself. I'm going to get myself into shape and I seriously mean it this time. I want to look and feel good about myself.

I've read so much about people breaking their streak and I truly feel for you guys. It's not easy, I've been tempted so many times. I've even typed out the names of certain sites into private browsing. I'm holding strong though, because I never want it to harm me like it did before. I wish I'd discovered this before I went to uni. I'd have controlled myself and learned so much.

Finally, I just want to say thanks to everyone who contributed to my journal (you know who you are) because I couldn't have done it without your kind words, in-depth thoughts and motivation. I hope that you guys are all doing well and I'll catch up with you soon!

 

[Rockit]

Congrats on the crazy good streak. It seems like you've learned a lot about yourself.

I hope you keep posting. Stories like yours really help inspire those of us who are just starting. (Or starting AGAIN, in my case!)

 

[Yelashade]

@Rockit

Thank you for the kind words. I really have learned so much about myself. I've become much stronger as an individual, which is providing me the strength I need now. I'm going to look at your journal now .

That being said, I think what I've said recently has just been all "yeah I'm feeling so much better" blah blah blah. I'm just going to remind everyone that, just because you've "made it" to your goal, doesn't mean that you should think that it's all going to be sorted.

I still have triggers, from images to something stupid as the wind blowing. I'm not going to lie, the lack of sexual activity is starting to get to me, but I'm using all the strength I have to force myself away from relapsing.

In terms of my work world, my company is going through a bit of turmoil at the moment. They're in trouble with the government and, as a result, fired 8 people to try and shrink down. Two of them were my "close work mates" that I started with. I've got no one to hang out with at lunch anymore haha . I do feel my job is in jeopardy, so I'm looking hard at the moment for alternatives. I hope things really change because I want my job security again. Aside from that, I still feel really positive. I love myself and I love life and it WILL get better .

 

[Yelashade]

Hi all,

Recently I've been finding it difficult to find my strength. I miss intimacy and my mind keeps running between the memory of previous ex's, particularly my first, and any woman that pays me any sort of attention. The temptation to revisit P is becoming strong and I'm trying not to browse the internet and look at inappropriate pictures. However, when ads on TV, billboards etc show women in a promiscuous way, I can't help but stare a little longer. My cravings are really getting to me and I'm struggling. It's so difficult to hold on, even coming on here is getting tough. I'm getting thoughts in my head that I don't want to have. No, please, I don't want to go back down that route again. I need my strength back.

 

[Belly]

Be strong man! Pron is not an option.

I used to be single for more than a year at a time, I also missed intimacy.
I'd feel better after spending some time with my best friend, watching tv, doing something, talking about girls, feelings etc.
Sharing personal stuff and feelings is damn close to intimacy to me.
(Edit: emotional intimacy if you will)

Be confident, confidence is hot.

 

[mtaha2015]

It means , your mental concentration and focus is getting weaker.
you just need to regain the strength and start focusing on the rebooting.

rebooting should be your first priority.

best of luck.
if you will work hard , you will get back on the track very soon.

 

[LS90]

Hi all,

Recently I've been finding it difficult to find my strength. I miss intimacy and my mind keeps running between the memory of previous ex's, particularly my first, and any woman that pays me any sort of attention. The temptation to revisit P is becoming strong and I'm trying not to browse the internet and look at inappropriate pictures. However, when ads on TV, billboards etc show women in a promiscuous way, I can't help but stare a little longer. My cravings are really getting to me and I'm struggling. It's so difficult to hold on, even coming on here is getting tough. I'm getting thoughts in my head that I don't want to have. No, please, I don't want to go back down that route again. I need my strength back.

Hey there, Hope I haven't arrived late.. I'm in your same position. Everything is just a trigger - from ads, to women around the street, to random youtube videos to movies to girls on facebook - I have been with my girlfriend for a week and now I'm by myself for the next month again as I study in a different country. We've had sex all days twice a day at least.

I already miss intimacy with her but most of all I miss a similar strong  sensation which my brain thinks can be taken from pixel-derived satisfaction. It's not, it's a ruse and we both should know better than that.

Please remind this! All the best .

ps: do you MO by yourself? What is your opinion on it?

 

[jkkk]

Hey there.

Triggers were, are and will be.

I think that there is something important about triggers. There are a red flag, so to speak.

In most cases, maybe even in 100% of cases, they are a signal of something going on in your mind, body, soul.

It seems to me that "being triggered" feeling may come from loneliness. Whether you're lonely temporarily, just because your gf is not there, or you feel so as you've lost your relationship being lonely is a palpable unpleasant, sad, melancholic feeling.

Now our addicted brains are capable of taking any feeling and turn into burning desire for a dopamine fix - where the feeling of being triggered gets to action.

It might help to just focus on the feelings. Name them. Point at them. It's really very very important, in my view. It's the central part of the reboot.

I don't think triggers should ever go away. There will always be something going on with us, as long as we are alive. So often the best thing to defuse them is to work on where did they come from.

 

[mtaha2015]

yeah you are right.
triggers are kind of signal , "watch out, you need to fix yourself".
taking out the gauge and measuring it , and then finding the source , whats going inside , helps a lot.
We shouldn't worry about triggers , we should accept them as signals.
let them come and go.
once they come, we should dismiss them. and learn from it, whats wrong inside? where is my control gone ?? etc etc

 

[Vangsta]

Your story is inspiring. I just wanted you to know I really connected with your story. My porn addiction was actually triggered by a girl disappearing on me while dating me. She just randomly cut all contact then I found out she was dating other men. Adolescent love hits hard regardless of how long, because everything about love you've been taught, goes into your first relationship.

Stories like yours is the reason why I keep looking forward.

 

[mtaha2015]

if some one left you , it  doesn't mean you should get involve in self-destructive behavior.

you could have just thought about that girl and said F$$$ off.

so , move on forward.
forget the losses in past.
compensate them.
and instead of involving in self-destructive behavior , make your self composed and strong.

 

[Yelashade]

@Belly

That's a good point you make about confidence and being open about my inner issues. I guess a lot of my friends are not available at the moment and so I'm trying to stay strong by myself. It's something that has to come from me, so I'll work on that. Thanks for your advice!

@mtaha2015

I feel like I am working hard and not being rewarded now. I know these are more of a mental issue rather than a P related one. I'm just trying to focus on me as much as I can without slipping up. I've come this far, why mess it up now, right?

@LS90

Hey there buddy, long time no chat! I do see where you're coming from and that, when your gf is away, you feel like you need something to "feed the need", so to speak. But hey, at least someone is getting some  :. I think the hardest part for me is that I've had nothing in the relationship department to look forward to and I'm constantly comparing myself to my ex, which I know doesn't work for me. I't s a question of mentality now, something that I can only solve when I'm "ready". Good to hear from you though!

As for the MO, yes I do do it by myself and I'll explain it on the next post I make.

@jkkk

You're right about the triggers, they'll always be there and, due to my lonely feelings, these triggers are trying to bring me down. This is something I'll address in my next post.

@Vangsta

Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad that you feel my story is inspiring! Life is what you make of it and, if that girl just cut you off like that, then mate... you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! It's easier said than done - trust me I know from my own experiences - but when your mind has had enough of going back and forth and being messed around constantly, you'll know you're ready to change for the better. Best of luck on your journey to a new you!

 

[Yelashade]

After all the pressure I've been under lately, I haven't had much time to visit here and post my updates. However, this update cannot wait:

I've relapsed.

It's been over 8 months since I've even seen a woman naked with my own eyes and my penis has been burning to have sex. Out of pure desperation, I paid for it. Yeah, it's so fucking sad but I didn't care. It wasn't even that good, I didn't know her and I couldn't keep it up half the time. I felt so shit afterwards that I PMO'd. And I carried on PMO'ing all day. Months of hard work just gone in a few hours. Words can't describe how shit I feel right now. I feel like I'm back to Square 1. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up about this, but I just can't help myself. ARGH WHY DID I DO THAT, I FEEL SO ANXIOUS AND ASHAMED.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I've gone and provided myself with an unwanted distraction. I'm trying not to look at P ever again. I'm not going to let this beat me, but fuck I need some help. 

I just want to apologise to those who looked at my journal as some form of inspiration; I'm only human and I fucked up big time. Well, looks like I'm back to 30th September again. Let the revamp begin!

 

[LS90]

Yeah well man, I would say paid sex is never the answer considering how "easy" it is to hook up in big cities nowadays.. But this is not a place for judgement and I won't do so (and with all the times I considered or dreamt of paying an escort I'd be crazy to do so!!)

On the PMO binge, guilt+shame+chaser effect made the rest. I bet you also had shitty Os, hadn't you? Bro we've all been there in some ways (myself included). I know you can get back on your feet!

Not everything is lost, remember: http://yourbrainonporn.com/relapse-does-not-mean-complete-reset-dont-hurt-yourself-further-binging

 

[Dcjo18]

Hey man. Let me just start out by saying nobody's perfect. When I started out rebooting it was just as you reached your 100 days. So yeah you were kind of an inspiration to me. However I feel like you're beating yourself up a little to harshly. I mean this is years of addiction you're having to battle through and change, No one can expect it to be easy. Not even a year afterwards. Sure you've still got a ways to go but hey, look how far you've come right? It's always darkest before the dawn.

-Bluefly