my journey, 25, male, PMO since ~11, 100% ED, done with this shit forever, it did enough harm

swimmer97

Member
Hi friends,

Also want to share my story here with you and begin a journal.

Im 25 years old and i watched porn since my teens like many of us here. It escalated over the years into hardcore fetishes (femdom). In the end this was the only thing i could get an erection.

In my life i had so far 3 attempts to have sex with 3 different girls.

My first time sex (attempt) was when i was 19 in my studies after a party at our flat. I could not get it up and i wasnt aroused that night. I blamed alcohol and thought she was maybe not attravtive enough back then. I was so wrong..



Second sex attempt was when i was 21 with a different girl i met in my studie abroud. This was an insane hot girl. She looked like a super model. Cute face really atheltic body. and really nice personality.

Of course, No arousal, no erection even tho i was super attracted to her. I knew something is messed up badly and i somewhat knew it had to do with my porn addicition/fetishes. She was super nice and gave me a second chance. I went to the doctor first.

As many of you know. Many doctors are not well educated on this topic. But i also have to say that i didint mention the porn use so somewhat my bad. Doctor did a blood test.

It turned out not only fine but super good blood values like someone that is healthy and does sport. She then prescribed me some viagra as we both thought its like a performance anxiety and i need some help to get self confidence.

I took the pills and slept with the girl again. I was able to get it up and it was the first time i had penetrational sex in my life. I got it up due to first time using viagra from the arousal that i got by cuddling with her.

Later when penetration i felt that there was not real arousal. I had an erection but no real arousal led to not being able to climax.

What some could think as something good when you can last really long is in reality a bit weird in my experience. I ended up climaxing by her giving me a handjob and me fantasizing about porn.....






Third time trying to have normal sex was this year with 25. Met a girl on a party and we really liked each other.

We met again at her place the next weekend after the party. I brought some viagra as i wanted to prevent the worst (of course i did not tell her and took it in the bathroom).


This time not even the viagra worked. I mean it worked but when trying to penetrate i immediatly lost the erection. This was so frustrating...

The thing is that girls blame themselfes. She was nice but i knew that she was feeling bad. I told her that its not because of her and blamed stress and stuff.

I didint feel confident to tell her the real reason. Some days later she told me via text that its not going to work with us but that it was not because of the failed sex but because we didint click.

Felt really bad that day. I knew that this was because of my porn addiction but i was not able to stop. I thought this is just my sexuality and that i need to find someone with same fetishes.



In june this year i finally found out about YBOP from Gary Wilson and his ted talk. Man this was the biggest eye opener in my life. Since that day i actually was able to overcome porn (15. june 2022). In end of july, i masturbated once to vanilla fantasies not porn (26. july 2022). Since that day no PMO.

94 days passed sicne i was last time watching porn. So far i can say that quitting porn for the rest of my life is super important. Last 90 days have been a rollercoaster but all in all i realize how i am healing and i am doing better in all kine of aspects in life. Most important is that my mental is getting better and better.

I still have cravings sometimes, especially next day after drinking when i am hangover. My porn addicted fetish brain pathways are still there and very strong. They get less strong but i will need at least double the time or even longer to be confident about rewiring. I am still in a flatline.

I realize that this is the right path as my vanilla brain pathways are starting to grow a little bit. Its like you compare a fully grown tree (porn brain pathway). With a small sapling that is my vanilla brain pathway.

Its yet only small sapling but for most time of my life i thought that i only have this fetish attraction. So this small sapling is such a milestone for me.

Enough text for now. Thank you whoever you are for reading my whole story.

Whish you all the best and feel free to ask anything. Have a nice day.
 

swimmer97

Member
Still day 94 of no porn, want to do my first jounal post.

So currently i have:

- no morning wood
- flatline during the day
- when going to bed i sometimes fantasize but quickly think about something different or about vanilla sex
 

swimmer97

Member
Also wanna post my goals that i want to achieve with quitting PMO forever:

- getting healthy erections + morning wood regularly
- bein aroused again by the "real deal"
- getting a cute and lovely gf
- getting back my self confidence -> feeling like a man standing in his life
- i never want to have that awful feeling again that i get after M
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 95

Before reboot i never had wet dreams in my life at least i cant remember.

During this reboot i already had 2. One was about a month ago in August. Second was this night that's why i post.
On the one hand i read that wet dreams during reboot are normal way for body to remove excess semen. I also don't feel as bad as when i was M.
On the other hand i feel little bit guilty as i was fantasizing about my porn fetish during the wet dream...
 
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swimmer97

Member
Sorry to hear about your ED. That must be frustrating and I can imagine that it hurts your self confidence in sooo many ways. Being a woman I don't think I can give you much advise, but I guess that one thing I can say is that I don't think you should feel bad or guilty about having fantasies or even masturbation. I understand that masturbating doesn't help you and you don't want it in your life right now, but I don't think the awful feeling you mention should necessarily be directly related to masturbation. Perhaps feeling bad or guilty is something to work on too.
thank you miss. i think the bad/guilt feeling is more connected to my fetishes that i developed (or intensified? not sure here). As i mentioned in my story, when i masturbated once in july with vanilla sex fantasy. That actually did not feel bad afterwards.

On the other hand if i would masturbate to my kink fantasies that would feel really bad.

I just want to get my arousal back for real stuff/ vanilla sex/ real women. Having a kink/fetish is fine for me but i also need arousal through vanilla stuff or i dont think i will get a healthy relationship/girlfriend. ever.

I think my vanilla arousal is still there. i just never gave it a chance to develop.

Sometimes when i kiss a girl i get an erection, that can be enough. Also when i cuddle i get an erection more likely as when the actual act begins. Erections are directly conncted to level of arousal and horniness. I need to get that level back for vanilla stuff that i have currently for my fetishes. only time will tell if that will happen...
 

swimmer97

Member
Good to hear. And I can see where you're coming from and definitly where you want to go. I guess it's just that going trough journals made me realize how a lot of guys struggle with guilt and shame. While I guess I understand that (when it comes to porn most of us deal or have dealt with shame), it's just not a healthy base to build on or even cultivate. Perhaps this doesn't apply to you though:)
i agree. there are definitely points where i shouldnt feel as ashamed as i do. i can work on that for sure.

when it comes to my kinks for example i think that some of them where in me before i discovered porn. for example my slight foot fetish. nothing i can do about this. its just there. i can work here to feel less shame.

when it comes to porn i do feel shame tho and i think thats good. it prevents me from going back to this dark place 😅

btw i wanna appreciate that you come here and read stories and share yours + try to help. especially since your a female the different perspective is interesting. there is not much data on porn influence on female brains. at least from what i have seen on yourbrainonporn.com
 

swimmer97

Member
I do understand that, but can't you just decide that you no longer want porn in your life and built on that? Reason I ask is that I can see a very big flaw in relying on shame. Perhaps this is just me, but one of my issues is that I watch porn to deal with negative emotions. So if for some reason I would watch porn and would then feel bad about that, that might actually become a reason to watch more porn. I don't know if this applies to you, but to me this seems like a very big trap.

And thank you for the comment:)

i agree. relying on shame isnt the right path. i m actually not relying on shame, what i said above was maybe a bit misleading.

i do no longer want porn in my life. Main motivations are the mentioned goals of mine + the insane improvments that i already recognized on my overall mental state.

I feel your point of using porn to cope with negative emotions. This is the same for me.

I PMOd always when i got rejected by women or i felt loneley. Since i never had a real relationship you can guess that this happened a lot of times 😅

it is still tough sometimes, when i feel negative emotions i have to distract or get a "feel good" in different/ healthy ways like gym, shower etc.
it aint easy.
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 96,

still being a little bit worried because of my wet dream from 17.09.2022 night in which i was dreaming about my fetish fantasis.

On the other hand i read 2 recent success storys from 2 people my age with exact same fetishes that were able to find success. This gives me huge motivation.

Regarding current state:

- flatline
- no morning wood
- overall mental state is pretty okay today
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 97

feeling good

when i was waking up/half asleep i was shortly craving my fetishes -> quickly tried to think of something different and was able to overcome this small urge

later had a full natural morning wood erection -> feels very good especially since im in a flatline currently and these happen very rarely
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 98

-feeling good
-no MW tho
-somehwat flatline

today i had a moment while waking up where i felt really bad -> was thinking how much time i wasted and how i missed out on maybe a great sex live so far and maybe also possible girlfriends that my porn consume and the (induced?) fetishes robbed from me

but this thought is not bringing me anywhere.. i need to move on
 

swimmer97

Member
New Goal:

Current metrics: Weight: 78,35kg // LBM: 66,10kg // Body Fat: 15,7%

Goal: Weight: 73,5kg // LBM: 64kg // Body Fat: 13%

Time it will take according to calculation: 9weeks
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 99

another Wet Dream shortly before waking up. i know that WDs are normal during reboot. only thing that worries me is that im dreaming about my porn fetishes. hope this will go away at some point.

i feel like i got a little chaser effect from this WD. last weeks i had a flatline but today i feel a little bit horny. it got better now while im at work.
 

SmokenMirrors

Active Member
another Wet Dream shortly before waking up. i know that WDs are normal during reboot. only thing that worries me is that im dreaming about my porn fetishes. hope this will go away at some point.
I had the same, perfectly natural. I dreamt about my favourite porn videos as well, and I woke up O'ing at the same time as dream me. At least I'm consistent!
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 100

Wow. Already 100 days passed without porn. This feels great.

Time to draw some conclusions so far:


I feel way better mentaly, i notice that the real deal is actual women in real life. Porn is fake and unhealthy (at least for me).

I feel way more motivation in my job, sport, meeting new poeple, doing productive stuff.

I think im at a lucky point where even when i feel bad or got cravings im not even close to open porn (i hope it stays this way).

The scientific background that Gary Wilson gave me was the big turning point for me. I recommend everyone to read his book and watch his videos.

Before that i always thought "yea porn isnt good but i mean it cant be too bad and everyone does it" -> well it turns out porn IS bad, its terrible.
 

swimmer97

Member
Day 107

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Recent nights i was dreaming about vanilla stuff, not even vanilla sex, more soft stuff like cuddling and coming closer.

My fetishes are fading, and it feels great.

Doing more sport and eating healthy is improving my progess way more than i thought it would.

quitting porn is one of the best decisions i have done. thats for sure. lets keep going
 
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