my journey, 25, male, PMO since ~11, 100% ED, done with this shit forever, it did enough harm

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 3

I feel as motivated as i have maybe never been before.

The recent relapse showed me that my fetishes are porn induced and that this is something that i trained my brain into. I felt horrible afterwards and this is not how its supposed to be.

I went through some strong "chaser effect" urges but i was able to resist. Now its getting better again.

I uninstalled all kind of social media junk like instagram, linked in, facebook from my phone. I noticed that im checking them for no reason 25 times a day to see if something new happens. Its useless and waste of time and dopamine like porn is. I will only spend 1 set time each day to check social media from now on.

Also i wanna detox dopamin by playing less video games. My brain is so damaged by porn that a hard detox could be helpful. I try out what is possible. I will not go super hard mode to prevent "jojo effect"
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 7

Exactly one week since my relapse.

Back in the days, i was fapping pretty regulary on each 7th day. To be exact it was more or less every sunday. When i felt lonely and bad because weekend was over and a new week will begin.

Not today tho. I dont have any urges. I feel as focussed as possible.

After climaxing, our brains are resettet and in a total sober state. In that state i realized what i truly want, and what is fake. I always realized it in these moments but on that post climax relapse moment it was as strong as never before.

Lets keep going.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 11

- no mw
-flatline
- today is a party, i will only drink as little as possible as being drunk/hangover is very dangerous for me
-> will prepare myself mentally to overstay any urges if they arise



BW: 78,05kg Goal: 73kg
BF%: 15,5% Goal: 12%
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 8

Long Time no post. I had a "small" relapse on 05.12.2022 from just thinking about my fetish. I did not even touch my dick. I came from my dick touching my undies. Even though this sucks its okay. I know how to prevent this for the next time.

Since realizing my addiction and what is behind all this in June 2022 i actually had nearly no problems at all to quit porn visually. I only opened porn once on 29.10.2022 by opening reddit and surfing for 2-3 minutes.

Real enemy for me is the fantasy. Fantasy builds up when feeling bored / stressed / lonely and builds furhter up into urges.

I learned techniques to prevent this now. Whenever i feel an urge i force myself to do something. Best is to do something productive like working out. What ever it is, it is important to create a habit to do whenever urges arise in my brain. I force myself to do it. It actually works and it gets easier with time AND i do something productive which is a double win.


Streaks are just streaks. They are nice for motivation but they are not representing the journey. This is about healing the brain. I realize everday that my brain has changed since my start in June. I am more sensitive to what i considered "boring" back in my worst days. like true natural women in real life talking/laughing being feminine.

Further, i wrote a list of reasons why i want to quit porn on my phone note app. It became pretty long over the last weeks. Whenever i have an urge i also force myself to read through all the reasons. They help my "reasonable and logical brain" to win the battle against my "addiction/zombie brain".

I want to present this list also here, maybe it can motivate someone (i translated it from my mother language to english so sometimes it wont make sense):

!!Not worth!!

Stop ringing the bell
Erectile dysfunction
Premature ejaculation
Self-confidence
Feeling good about life
Looking in the mirror
The feeling afterwards
Morning erections
Long-term
Self-esteem
Lifetime
True Love
Masculinity
Warmth
Closeness
Restore normal libido
Girlfriend of the future

Be able to hold a good erection

Restore dopamine to normal

To feel emotions and not this "numb state".

Possibilities of pretty women are there - why waste it

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

PE/ED/DE heal

Remember how you feel in the morning

Remember where it has led others

It's only fantasy -> not real

Remember that you didn't missed it for a second in last relationship

Remember how good you felt during the streak

Remember it only comes when you feel bad

You feel proud when you overcome it

One thing feels good afterwards, the other feels horrible afterwards.


It is an addiction, it gets much better.


Edit:

BIG and maybe most important learning that i realized and apply after reading it from a post from Gabe Deem (thank you Gabe btw).

-> Feeling Bad or having negative emotions is part of life. Man up and appreciate them for making the "feeling good" moments even better when they come. Stop compensating feeling bad with shit addictions like cigarettes, porn, alcohol.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
You're looking good @swimmer97.

I love your list, that's a great way to stay motivated when the going gets rough.

You're absolutely right about the entire process, and not just the streaks. They're both important and it's easy to get stuck in black in white thinking, which can really mess you up if you relapse, or on the flipside, made you complacent afterwards.

I needed this, thanks brother!
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 10

Todays learning/realization:

I never had a great moment in my life where i thought " oh i feel so good right now lets watch some P"

Queit the opposite, the urges only cone when being boreal/lonely etc.

It shows that i deal with a coping addiction. This is not libido or true sexuality.

Tody i had a small urge and i immediately thought about the consequences that this small gratisfaction would bring. I thought about the days after how shit i would feel. Adding to that i immediatly started to focus/concentrate on a task at work.

The urge went away.

This is a good method for me to overcome urges.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 11

Big learning and realization that i want to share:

Yesterday i was at a restaurant with work colleagues. The majority of them are females.

One that i really like and which is also like one of my closest friends sat next to me. I find her attractive visually but for the most part her character.

She is very friendly, caring, not at all arrogant/cocky even though she is a very attractive women. I dont want to start anything with her and i dont have feelings for her but just speaking with her and interacting showed me how hard reality differs from this nasty porn environment. How it feels overall a billion times healthier.

When im in situations like that i dont even think a mili second about porn or my fetish. Its not even appealing or arousing to me when i think about it in such situations.

It shows me how artificial, trained and unnatural all this addiction is. It is not real. It only comes up and is appealing or arousing when im alone, bored, isolated etc. It crawls up like a zombie worm. Its time to cut this worms head off like in a zombie movie :D

everyday of abastin feels like a win. lets keep going.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 12

Defeated some urges yesterday when laying in bed.

Always proud When i overcome them and feel "sober" again next day.

Its so important to see the small light at the end of the tunnel when the way is very dark.

Urges can be so strong and the addicted brain says "just give up" etc

Stay strong my brothers, its worth it. Fk the addiction voice
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 13

I fought big urges yesterday night and today. Its though but i feel good again. The first month after a relapse is hard.

I again and will probably 1000 times further in this journey recommend and appreciate Gary Wilsons website: www.yourbrainonporn.com (although everyone here probably already knows it).

Its insane how much work this guy has put on this site to help us out.

Basically all one needs to know about techniques or science or knowledge is there.

This website gave me direction in my chaos of porn addiction. When you are blind and without background knowledge its easy for your addiction to convince you with shit like "this is your true sexuality" "this is how you are" "this is normal, everyone does it" etc... every porn addict knows these

Thank you Gary again.

Also Big Thank you to my guys @SmokenMirrors and @Blondie. Appreciate that you guys read my daily thoughts.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
The first month after a relapse is hard.
This.

Yeah it sucks to say, but it's true. Whenever returning back to this shit - even once - it digs its claws into you and wants you to give it everything. Obviously it doesn't set you back to zero, but it does get those neurological pathways fired up again.

Great job moving on through the temptation and giving it the finger.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
This.

Yeah it sucks to say, but it's true. Whenever returning back to this shit - even once - it digs its claws into you and wants you to give it everything. Obviously it doesn't set you back to zero, but it does get those neurological pathways fired up again.

Great job moving on through the temptation and giving it the finger.
Day 16 (my last relapse was 05.12.2022. i somehow failed to count the days correctly lol)

Absolutely agree with you brother.

The first month urges can be so immense. Its like one is starving in a desert and someone puts a fat yummy but poisoned burger in front of you.

Its hard to resist but its crucial.



Today is a good day. I woke up being completely in "a state of 100% clarity" without any urges and proud that i resist my yesterday urges.

In this state its always clear that it was correct to resist the urge.


Lets keep going
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Do you m daily when you started , how much times aprrox you m, i'm masturbate approx 14000 times,
Hey mate, im sry i can't really give you any numbers here. Sometimes 3 times a day. Sometimes only once a week. Doesnt matter tho. Stopping it is what counts.

Regarding your symptoms. I only have sexual symptoms like ed and low libido. I can tell you what ever symptoms you have, stop PMO and they will get better. Regards
 
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swimmer97

Active Member
Day 17

Today i had some positive thoughts about being "vanilla" close to a girl. I realized that i did not had these thoughts for years due to my strong fetishes that came with porn. Thats actually a little scary.

I did not realize how my brain changed with porn over years of cronic overconsumption.

Lets get back to nature mode. Nature is strong and fulfilling.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
It is Day 11

Had a smal relapse on lonely Christmas night by masturbating in a urgeful night (no porn) . Was thinking whole day if i count thst as a relapse but since therewhere somewhat wrong fantasies involved I'll do it. Its fine.

Because I'm still realizing how hard im improving currently when it comes getting my real mojo back for the real deal. And that's what its all about right? Since i quit visual porn on june 15. 2022 My brain gets more interested in the real deal.

A great book that im reading right now is "you are not your brain" from jeffrey m schwartz.

Key message is that our urges are brain chemicals that are actually there and tough to beat but when listening to your inner "wise advocat" you can overcome it with time and make it less while making your wise advocat stronger with each lift. With this method he treats people with serious OCD so why should it not work for porn urges. So far i can say it works. Im lifting weights in the gym and in my brain. Its worth af.

Lets keep goin my boys
 
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