my journey, 25, male, PMO since ~11, 100% ED, done with this shit forever, it did enough harm

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 36

Video that made my day:




It shows that we formed neural pathways that are strong wired into the brain. It shows that childrens brains are more plastic and can form faster/easier.

Most importantly it shows that even older people can change their brains with time and practise. SAME goes for our addicted porn pathways -> forming into natural sex pathways.

Dont loose hope guys. There is 100% light at the end of the tunnel.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 37

Want to share som anti relapse questions which helped me overcome an urge once:

  1. Will acting on this temptation bring me long-term satisfaction or instant gratification?
  2. What will be the end result if I act on this temptation?
  3. If I choose to act on this temptation will it make my life better or worse?
  4. Do I take 100% responsibility for my own actions or do I blame others and make excuses?
  5. Can the addicted part of my brain force me to act out against my will?
  6. Is there a part of me that wants to walk away from this?
  7. Can I choose to follow that part that wants to walk away?
  8. Is there a feeling of peace that will come to me if I walk away?
  9. Would I feel better about myself tomorrow if I didn’t act out today?
  10. Will I honor the rational part of my brain that is encouraging me to walk away from this temptation?
 
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swimmer97

Active Member
Day 39

Day 38 has been tough. very tough.

Nearly 40 days without any stimulation and without even a wet dream made me a maniac that day. I had urges overwhelming me. I couldnt concentrate at work at all.

The very bad thing. My Fetish fantasy was so insanely big, it was an elephant in the room. Just a small thought was flooding my brain with tons of dopamine.

I am devasted how hard this addiction pathway is rut into my brain.

I ended up masturbating that evening. I had to give up some pressure. I was already going nearly 2 days completely flooded with dopamine and urges. Constantly fantasizing is not better than just masturbating once without porn and giving off pressure.

The good thing: i did not open any porn. The bad thing, i was thinking about my fetish partially.

What i learned here: Going completely PMO free is good but from here to there i need to release some pressure just to not fall into the fetish fantasy trap.

After climaxing i realized, this fetish is 100% porn induced. It actuall digusts me. I hate it even more now. its simply not the path i want to walk to.It has 0 place in the future i imagine myself. It is build up on shame, giving up and feeling small. Its about me being submissive. I learned in real life, i am not a submissive. I want to be a man. Also in my few real life vanilla sex encounters i was 100% feeling like a man in control and was enjoying it. Its how my natural self is. Porn can turn ANYbodies prefrences into something completely different, weird and off the way. Its insane.

I will not reset my streak. Its no longer a PMO streak but it remains a Porn-free-streak.

Big Learning: When the pressure is just too high, i will masturbate BUT i will only masturbate to natural stuff, women i know and appreciate, soft things, touching, warmness, maybe even vanilla sex. But my fetish has no place in my head anymore. When it comes up i will go for a walk or take a cold shower or mediate. Its for me on the same level as literally cutting myself. It harms me in every way. Slowing me down.

Thanks anybody for reading this. It feels good to have a place where i can speak myself out. Have a great day.
 
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swimmer97

Active Member
Day 40

Warning: Rant

Its either me or my fetish.

I decided again and this time to fking 1000% that i dont want to live with this fetish at any point in my life. It harmed me already hard enough.

I 100% realized its porn induced and has nothing to do with my original sexual nature.

What makes this thing so nasty. Its so different from "original" vanilla sex that i currently have no arousal or attraction to normal sex. In fact never learned it. I was educating myself the wrong thing from an early teen year on.

I read lots of people that have the same fetish that they are very pessimistic when it comes to getting their vanilla taste back.

I simply dont want to believe that there is no hope for me. I wont believe it.

Either i will have succesfull sex in my lifetime with my natural mojo coming back or i will not have sex in my life. But i will never live out this devil of a curse that porn brought me.

Sometimes i am mad, not about that porn exists. And not fully on me because i was fking 11 year old but im mad at the misinformation about porn that was present and is still today.

I was not completely unworried over the years. But whenever i tried to find something out i read articles like "porn is normal everyone does it" or "Porn is great to find out your true natural tastes". In my mother language there was and is still nearly no good articles on this. These mofos where convincing my addicted brain back in the days that porn is not harmful. I was a teenager.

I wish i would have found out about YBOP and this great Forum earlier than 2022. I wish there would be more clarification about this topic. Especially young people need to be educated.

If i will have kids, i will not permit them porn. This wouldnt work anyways. I would just simply educate them what can happen and the consequenes. Same on other drugs like cigarettes etc. I think that is the best way. Wish someone would have educated me back in the days. If someone told me i could not get it up and had no arousal i would have been shoked and never touched that pest.

I dont want to blame others to 100% here. I know this is also my fault. But expecting a teenager to 100% not listen to his primal brain with wrong education spreading out there is also not correct.

Sorry for this rant. Had to led it out one time. Now i will move forward again, optimisticly and without porn and fantasy.

Its not an option to quote my man @Blondie here.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
No need to apologize @swimmer97, this is your thread. In fact, getting really pissed off is a great way to start getting over this once and for all. Getting pissed off wakes you out of your porn induced slumber and the frivolous "niceties" of the modern world. No one has ever overcome anything sitting happily and mindlessly laughing on their couch.

Happiness is your danger zone. Tranquility is not to be sought. War is dangerous. War jolts you out of your complacency. And war is just what we need to quit this nonsense once and for all.

The Bible calls it a righteous anger.
I dont want to blame others to 100% here. I know this is also my fault. But expecting a teenager to 100% not listen to his primal brain with wrong education spreading out there is also not correct.
Agreed. I like to say, not all of us are innocent, but none of us are entirely guilty either. We do have to take responsibility for our actions - always- but no, much of this was culturally forced on us, and for that, we should be righteously pissed.

Keep fighting the fight!
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Hey Swimmer,

Sending you good vibes and long distance supportive thoughts! Great job getting your thoughts on the page and not leaving them bottled up. I encourage you to be kind to yourself and acknowledge the effort and progress you are making and keep up the good work!
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 2 no PMO

Happiness is your danger zone. Tranquility is not to be sought. War is dangerous. War jolts you out of your complacency. And war is just what we need to quit this nonsense once and for all.
@Blondie Thanks man. I feel this. To really stop i think it needs to 100% burned in that this shit is not an option. i decided against it how ever tempting the voices will be in future . Such a state can help to realize this even more.

Sending you good vibes and long distance supportive thoughts! Great job getting your thoughts on the page and not leaving them bottled up. I encourage you to be kind to yourself and acknowledge the effort and progress you are making and keep up the good work!
@Kraken Thank you for these words brother.

I decided to reset my Streak back to the day that i masturbated. I did not watch Porn but i was masturbating to my fetish fantasies and that counts and feels like a relapse to me.

My real enemy for some reason since i startet in June 15. 2022 was actually never visual porn. My real enemy was always the fantasy of living these weird and induced fetishes out with a women that shares the fetish that i found on reddit. This seems to be like the last "arousing" point in my porn career that i need to beat. In fact since June 22 I only visited this reddit page 4-5 times in my few relapses and thats it. Never went back to any porn site or went for porn sessions like back in the days before my reboot start.

Since my last streak i realized, completely ignoring any sexual thoughts and going monk mode can lead to the pipe getting pressured so hard after around 1-2 month that this can lead to serious cravings and fantasies. My trained brain will of course go into what im used to.

To prevent this, i will fantasize at some point and maybe even masturbate at some point but only to natural, vanilla aspects that i somehow still have a little bit of arousal on. Its not much, in fact its very little but still there is this small grasp. I need to hold on to it get out of this maelstrom.

Best case would be to rewire at 3-4 months with a real female.

Lets have faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is no alternative to optimism.
 
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Kraken

Well-Known Member
In my experience, the reboot really helped me get the energy and motivation I needed to put myself out there. After 2-3 months, I went on a bunch of dating apps and did a lot of first dates. I tried casual sex but I wasn’t able to perform mainly because I wasn’t comfortable with the situation I think.

But anyway, through the first dates I eventually found an amazing woman and waited a few months to have sex and after a little while, it became the most natural thing in the world. Now we are engaged :). My performance issues were anxiety related because in the moment I would worry that my past pmo behavior would ruin the moment and I’d get in my head about that.

Keep swimming!

Kraken
 

swimmer97

Active Member
In my experience, the reboot really helped me get the energy and motivation I needed to put myself out there. After 2-3 months, I went on a bunch of dating apps and did a lot of first dates. I tried casual sex but I wasn’t able to perform mainly because I wasn’t comfortable with the situation I think.

But anyway, through the first dates I eventually found an amazing woman and waited a few months to have sex and after a little while, it became the most natural thing in the world. Now we are engaged :). My performance issues were anxiety related because in the moment I would worry that my past pmo behavior would ruin the moment and I’d get in my head about that.

Keep swimming!

Kraken
Thanks for sharing your sucess story. Gives me big time hope and motivation. Im glad that it worked out for you my friend!
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 3 no PMO

You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”

Good quote from bob marley that i find myself in right now. For this addiciton there is no middle way. Its either yes or no. Fulfillment or Self destruct.

I am doing this not only for me but also for my future wife.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 4 no PMO

Today i want to appreciate Mr. "GoingToSucced" from YourBrainRebalanced.

His success story just gave me an extreme boost in confidence and optimism. He was in the exact same spot that i was in (same fetish) and was able to recover even being little older (end of his 20s).

I want to share his story and also come back here when i feel low:


Thank you also Mr. @Kraken for your sucess story that you shared here. Also you gave me a big boost in my mental. It did a lot.

Last but surely not least. Thanks Mr. @Blondie for still reaching out your hand when I am on the ground. Im glad to have you on my side.

Lets enjoy this great porn free day. We can be happy that we have many more to come!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice @swimmer97!

I just got down to 20% today. It's slower than I would wish it to be (kind of like our recoveries!) but there is a downward trend on my scale! :)

And yes, staying clean makes us feel great inside.

Keep killing it.
 
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swimmer97

Active Member
Nice @swimmer97!

I just got down to 20% today. It's slower than I would wish it to be (kind of like our recoveries!) but there is downward trend on my scale! :)

And yes, staying clean makes us feel great inside.

Keep killing it.
Good job brother. It is indeed a good comparison. Both is slow but its getting better each day. Sadly we cannot measure our brain recovery like our BF%. We have to wait for the real life results slowly showing up to see that we make improvements. Lets keep that in mind and stay committed. Its f****ing worth it.

🤠🤝🏊‍♂️
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 7

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Day 8

Working on multiple long term "projects" makes it easier to deal with rebooting.

What i learned, when i dont change my lifestyle and my whole focus in life is on abstaining porn. I wont come far and also, when i relapse, im at such a low that it can make life very miserable for at least some weeks.

What made the last relapse easier was also that i was doing good in my fitness journey. When i see results in the one thing, it makes it easier to get motivated for other thigns as well.

Another 2 things that im working on since half a year is my akne on my back and my nail fungus that i have on 5 of my toes (i am sorry to mention that, i know its digusting). Its sadly a very common thing for swimmers. But -> both are nearly completely healed now. My nails have the natural color back. I could nearly cry what for other peoeple is normal. well so its for others with erections i guess..

Both things also took several month to show slightest recovery so patience is needed badly for these. But on 1 day, each of the things was nearly completely gone. Its like nothing happens for weeks and then suddenly, a switch is toggled.

Consistency is everything when it comes to these dragginig long term issues. But when staying consistent the healing also feels 100x times better than an illness that i cure with a magic pill in 1 day.

lets keep going forward
 
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