Betrayed by porn......the demise of intimacy, a partners tale!

[Beautiful1973]

Tonight I am feeling incredibly sad.
Over the last few weeks the man and I have ignited some passion between us. It started after he called me a few weeks back upset, and expressed how sad and lonely he was and how much he was missing me. The following day I called around to have a cuppa tea and check on him, he was so happy to see me, he kept trying to touch me, telling me how sexy I looked, flicking my hair…..then he said I need to kiss you and planted one right on my lips….. I was thinking ‘oh dear’, now I’m in trouble….. intimacy erupted over the next few days and we found ourselves in this no man’s land of what are we doing, neither of us wanting to just slip back into the relationship…… so we toyed with the idea of having the intimacy without the pressure of the relationship…… of course in what universe was that ever going to work, and as our shared Counsellor so rightly pointed out, there still has to be boundaries and shared direction……As the weeks have ticked by he has flip flopped back and forth with not wanting to be with me because he’s afraid of hurting me again, yet not being able to give me up. Leading up to this last weekend things started to feel really good, he has been working his recovery and has been PMO free for almost 30 days, I could feel a change in him and it was hard not to feel excited by that and want to be part of it. So when he got to my place on Friday night the chemistry was palpable, we had an amazing couple of days, laughing and chatting, some of the best sex we’ve ever had….. and just on a side note, the reboot was working its magic. But then Sunday morning he was distant, I could feel my anxiety rising and felt scared…… he packed his things to go, there was no discussion about doing anything fun for part of the day, he just acted like he wanted to get the fuk out of there…… of course I couldn’t hold back my emotions and the feeling of confusion turned in to floods of tears. He started saying stuff that made no sense, about worry that it was all an act and if he could keep it up, all this stuff about all the hurt he’s caused, what if he lies again, what if he can’t get aroused in the future….. it was just a load of old bollocks coming out of his mouth…… even he said he had no idea what he was saying or where his mind was at. So long story short, tonight he told me that he can’t be with me, he needs to be alone to work his recovery, he’s scared of just hurting me again. But I’m hurt now, I’ve been patient and supportive, I was loving and kind towards him, even after everything he did in the past, I was forgiving and open with affection & intimacy, which a lot of partners aren’t able to do….. which is understandable.
Now I’m left feeling totally vulnerable and heartbroken…

 

[Sammyjo]

I'm sorry you're hurting again, beautiful.

There is a definite pattern to his behavior.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear about this @Beautiful1973. I can understand how he feels, and how he's afraid he's going to hurt you again. This stuff is terrible, and it destroys everything in its path, yes, even the confidence to believe in yourself, and that you'll never do something so stupid again. Speaking for myself, I still get panics attacks thinking I might do it again, and I'm a year out, so it's a long process for everyone involved.

I think you're very brave for going back, it shows what you're made of. Maybe he wasn't expecting that so soon, and because you two were getting along just dandy, old and understandable fears started to haunt him.

All of this is cyclical and is just part of the process.

Wishing you two the best.

 

[Simon2]

I'm sorry to hear about your hurt! You don't deserve any of this BS!

But... I think in a way maybe this is actually a good sign? The part about him taking it so seriously that he doesn't want to hurt you again. To me it points to something very genuine and caring in him. The thing is that none of us can quit P just for someone else - we have to want to do it for ourselves. So if he really means that he's quitting, even without you, that's a very good sign, and if you keep it light, maybe when the time is right he'll be ready to be back together? ... on the other hand it could mean that he's feeling pressured to change and is finding it too hard - hence pushing you away so he doesn't have to keep trying...

I guess my sense would be that the only way it could keep moving toward something better is if you promise each other 100% honesty, and he can just tell you the truth of how is recovery is going. If that means failures... you have to be ready for that - but expect him to find a path past the failures. In a way that's easier while you're "just friends"...

Then again - you don't need to wait for this man. You don't deserve this pain and nobody could fault you for moving on. Partners of us P addicts really need to look out for their own wellbeing first. That's what you deserve.

Best of luck!

 

[Jlied]

Hi @Beautiful1973 I agree with a little bit of everything said above but I have some questions if you don’t mind me asking.

there is a pattern of behavior here that I see as well, can you speak about his previous relationships? What’s the longest one lasted? Has he ever loved anyone that he was in a relationship with? Could it be that this one feels different than the others and this scares him?

In my opinion (I’m no medical professional, thank goodness or we’d all be in trouble) is that he’s struggling. I think he knows what he has with you, I think it’s why he’s working so hard at being clean. But he also has an internal struggle that is still strong, which is to give in to porn or to finally be real about quitting. It’s easy for us addicts to tell ourselves we can quit whenever, but the reality is weve tried, multiple times and we soon start to believe that is who we are and we rationalize it by saying everyone else has struggles too. The first few months to me was the hardest. If he can find a way to get past that 3 month mark he’ll start to see he can gain control, hopefully he’ll realize the positive changes in his life, hopefully he will start to gain some confidence and realize that ending the behavior is entirely possible. Hell, he’s able to do things intimately with you that he’s not been able to do in quite some time, that’s not nothing, that’s huge!

my only worry is could this be the right person at the wrong time scenario. I understand he’s going through changes but he’s putting you through a lot because if insecurity. As mentioned above, honesty has to be at the forefront, and you can obviously tell when something isn’t right because his whole demeanor changes, he can’t lie about it. I don’t think this is something you need to deal with long term, at some point he needs to shit or get off the pot. If he can’t commit find you someone that knows what they want, makes it known where you stand, and is prepared to think long term with you. Even if that means you won’t be a regular in here anymore .

 

[GBS]

@Beautiful1973 - like the others I am so sorry. I think you’ve told me stuff before and I wanted to sit down with your man and put him straight. So I want to do it again, but I won’t keep on being deliberately jokey. If he’s doing the recovery then he possibly needs to do it without sex. That may seem cruel but I reckon he should do the full hard core reboot. If you can still see him but not have sex then that’s probably even better (if that’s manageable), but I am guessing from what you’ve said that his brain is still a fair distance from being repaired.

We’re with you sister, whatever happens.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear this, Beautiful. I always hesitate to give advice to couples, but my two cents is that until your man is clean for at least 6 months, he's still not "playing with a full deck" and any intimacy between you probably won't end well.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thank you everyone for your on going support and insight, it really does help.
This morning I woke up to a gorgeous message from Gabe saying how much he appreciates my presence on RN, and how I am like a breath of fresh air, which was really touching

 

[GBS]

Hello @Beautiful1973 - you are so generous with your comments, advice and inspiration on others’ journals, but how are YOU doing?

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hey @GBS, I’m not doing so great to be honest….. maybe I’ll tell you more tomorrow after a nights rest

 

[GBS]

Errr….very sorry to hear that. Do say what you feel comfortable saying. We’re good listeners on here. Very good.

 

[Beautiful1973]

So the last few days have been an absolute shite storm.

At the end of my last post I said that the man had told me that he couldn’t be with me, and that he needed to be alone to work his recovery, and that he’s scared of just hurting me again….. a few days later we were chatting on the phone and he said he wanted to take me away for my Birthday……I was like, why would you want to do that, he said because I don’t want you to be alone…..does that seem like something you would do when you want to be alone???

So we planned this trip away, which left me in a kind of anxious state leading up to it, as I didn’t really understand what it all meant, but the night before he starts with his sexy banter, and telling me his mojo was back, which got me excited, but also confused as hell!!!!

So we went away…..on the night of my Birthday we went out for dinner and I was wearing an absolute killer outfit, the head waitress came over to tell me how phenomenal I looked in my dress and he piped up and said ‘that’s what I told her’……it instantly made me feel that he was proud to be seen with me. He was so calm and relaxed that night, we had a great dinner and enjoyed chatting, I saw something in him I’d never seen before, he was really present, totally in the moment, comfortable. He can often be quite anxious in social settings and usually feels like he just wants to get the hell out of there…..but he felt different……it made me feel close and connected to him.

We had a really lovely weekend, there were lots of laughs and heaps of fun and although the affection and intimacy were a little off…..I think he was struggling with wanting to be with me sexually, but then scared about what message it would send……I left feeling really connected and that I could see positive change in him.

But when we got home, you could feel a giant elephant in the room of what happens now, so of course before I left to head back to my place I asked the question ‘so were does this leave us now’…….well holy shit, he flew off the handle, starting holding his chest and saying his anxiety can’t handle this fukin shit, and that he doesn’t know what he wants……I was thinking did I just ask him if he could donate me one of his kidneys, cause this seems like a massive over reaction to me….LOL! So I said, it’s OK, don’t get all worked up about it, do you want to just think about it and I come up on Wednesday night, so he agreed. On the Wednesday night I came up too his place, cooked dinner, we went for a walk and chatted about how well his recovery was going and that I was noticing real change in him, then I gave him a massage, showed him some intimacy, but he just wasn’t into it…..he revert to his standard 101 trick of pleasuring me, but I could tell something was off……once upon I time I would of blown up and started an argument, because I would of known he’d been indulging in porn, but I didn’t do that and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning to find him cuddling me in bed, this is his way of reaching for me, and he also knows it soothes me……or throws me off the scent!!!! He said I’ll give you a key to get back in later, as I was heading out for the day and didn’t want to take my gear with me…… I thought that was really thoughtful and not something that he had to offer. I text him during the day and asked if he wanted to have dinner before I headed home and he agreed. During the evening he was irritable, complaining, moaning…….just generally being negative Nancy…...I thought that this might have been in anticipation of me asking the dreaded question of ‘where too now’…….so I decided I wasn’t going to ask it and would just see what happened over the next few days……so I kissed him goodbye and left.

 

[Beautiful1973]

There were a few texts, initiated by me and then on the Friday I messaged to see how his Counselling session had gone, he was super evasive and said ‘her new room is nice’…….I thought that was odd……then a text followed to say that he should of told me that he PMO on Monday night after we got back from our weekend away……sorry! I was at work, Nursing very ill patients and I just ran into the toilet and cried……I felt the betrayal all over again, I can’t even explain to you what it felt like, but it was overwhelming. He had lied straight to my face when I had congratulated him on getting to 43 days on the Wednesday night, had made a throw away comment about finding it pretty easy…….and then came all the feelings over the lack of intimacy and him not be aroused, I felt ugly, dirty, unwanted……and all because he had lied to me again. When I got home I asked him to call me, which he did, I said how hurt and confused I felt and he didn’t want to hear it, and an argument broke out, I said he was acting like a shitty little liar and he said fuk this shit, hung up and ghosted me for 3 days. He finally rang me to say sorry, that he doesn’t know why he acts like that, and that I should know how he’ll respond by now, that he thinks he needs to do this journey alone, and in the next breath is saying but you know I’ll be missing you next week…….then goes into a rant about not knowing what he’s thinking, or saying, or wants……and I’m left feeling confused with no closure.

Last night, I spoke to him and asked if he could just tell me with love and kindness if he wants me to move on……he said ‘yeah move on’…….there was no love, no kindness, it was cold……I sat there thinking I have just given this man my whole heart for nearly 3 years and he can’t show me any warmth. I made a comment, and he said ‘oh hear we go blah blah blah’…….I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that, and I felt so hurt and upset, and in typical fashion he has disappeared and I am left here feeling like a broken mess…….again!

My brain is in total fog, I don't know what is truth, lies, real.......how the fuk did I end up here????

 

[joepanic]

There were a few texts, initiated by me and then on the Friday I messaged to see how his Counselling session had gone, he was super evasive and said ‘her new room is nice’…….I thought that was odd……then a text followed to say that he should of told me that he PMO on Monday night after we got back from our weekend away……sorry! I was at work, Nursing very ill patients and I just ran into the toilet and cried……I felt the betrayal all over again, I can’t even explain to you what it felt like, but it was overwhelming. He had lied straight to my face when I had congratulated him on getting to 43 days on the Wednesday night, had made a throw away comment about finding it pretty easy…….and then came all the feelings over the lack of intimacy and him not be aroused, I felt ugly, dirty, unwanted……and all because he had lied to me again. When I got home I asked him to call me, which he did, I said how hurt and confused I felt and he didn’t want to hear it, and an argument broke out, he said to me fuk this shit, hung up and ghosted me for 3 days. He finally rang me to say sorry, that he doesn’t know why he acts like that, and that I should know how he’ll respond by now, that he thinks he needs to do this journey alone, and in the next breath is saying but you know I’ll be missing you next week…….then goes into a rant about not knowing what he’s thinking, or saying, or wants……and I’m left feeling confused with no closure.

Last night, I spoke to him and asked if he could just tell me with love and kindness if he wants me to move on……he said ‘yeah move on’…….there was no love, no kindness, it was cold……I sat there thinking I have just given this man my whole heart for nearly 3 years and he can’t show me any warmth. I made a comment, and he said ‘oh hear we go blah blah blah’…….I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that, and I felt so hurt and upset, and in typical fashion he has disappeared and I am left here feeling like a broken mess…….again!

My brain is in total fog, I don't know what is truth, lies, real.......how the fuk did I end up here????

This is just my opinion but I don't think porn is the problem here this sounds more like mental illness of some sort bi-polar or something or other. Might be time for him to see a doctor and figure out what's going on here. Or it may really be time to move on.

Post often it helps you it helps me

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thanks @joepanic......yeah that's interesting because I text him last night to say 'this is not just about your addictions, I think you have some other underlying issue your not addressing, or choosing not too!!! The other thing that happens when he goes into these episodes is, all endearment goes, he would always text me 'how's your day my sweet', 'good morning beautiful', 'I miss you baby', and it just goes, same as none sexual touch, like holding hands, stroking my back, hugging......he goes as cold as a fish......and it's so weird, because I'm still the same, I'm not acting any different...... although I do think it has alternated my mental state, like I can't really see what I'm in and how to get out.......it feels a bit like what I imagine Stockholm syndrome would feel like.....plus the betrayal trauma potentially compounds that as it feels like a type of PTSD.

 

[GrateClips]

in reading your writings I can see two pains. One is the pain of dealing with a partner who is struggling with his own set of addictions - sexual and chemical. The second is a personal pain of want of a relationship and love but that want is not being fulfilled with the person you chose to want to be with.

Have you ever heard of the term limerence? I'm not saying you have it per se, but what you write about what you are going through sounds similar to people who have gone through a limerence. In the sense that despite all that he has put you through he still has such a powerful emotional effect on you. He seems to display some of that hot-cold emotional aura that can be tricky to deal with to say the least.

As my counselor has told me, there's a couple different clients he often sees that are similar but very different at the same time. One is straight up sex addiction. The other is sex and love addiction. Similar but different. I kind of fell more into the Sex/love category.

 

[GBS]

Well what a fucking shit storm @Beautiful1973 . I can usually find something to say on behalf of the addict but I am struggling to support your man here. I wish I could to give you some hope. I guess I just can’t identify with him. He seems wonderful and like a teenager and pathetic and romantic and irresistible and completely untrustworthy. All at the same time.

So I am very sorry. I can’t tell you to get the hell out because that’s shit advice, but I do think there comes a point where you banging your head against a brick wall has to stop. I could say, why don’t you give him an ultimatum- say he isn’t to contact you in 30 days (or whatever) but at the end of that he needs to show you his history on his phone/electronics and prove he hasn’t looked at porn. If he has then it’s over. Does that work or is it way too simplistic?

Or give up and find yourself someone worthy.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thanks @GBS ultimatums don’t work, I understand that slips can happen, but it’s the secret & lies that I’m not OK with.
He just wants to run away and hide and he won’t be reaching out to me anytime soon.
I’m just frustrated that he has this wonderful supportive woman and he pushes me away like I mean nothing. I was talking to someone today about the situation and she said ‘Jez he’ll struggle to find someone as understanding as you’!

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thanks @GrateClips
I have read about limerence before, it’s an interesting topic aye, and while I fully understand the concept, I hate the negative connotation that I’m some love sick fool that can’t see past my man’s negative behaviour and red flags. I did set boundaries and have walked away several times in the last few years when I wasn’t going to tolerate his behaviour or mood swings. With that said, there is an element of him having an emotional hold over me and I’m not fully sure why I have given him that power. I agree that I do long for him to love me the way I love him and when things are good that love and devotion is reciprocated, but just as easily can be taken away when he’s not in a good head space, so maybe that’s an element of limerence
I guess this is where my frustration lies, as I am consistent, committed and transparent, all the hallmarks to build trust, whereas he struggles to have the same standard!

 

[GBS]

I really want to write and say something helpful but I am not sure what to say. You love or loved him for what he was, so he’s either changed or you didn’t know he was like this obviously. I can normally find a way of identifying with bad male behaviour but not the way he is treating you. It’s as if he used you emotionally on your birthday and I presume he just knew he could have a nice time for a day or two and then throw you away again. It’s inexcusable.

Hs addiction is complete with emotional blackmail. Has he been unfaithful to you (apart from porn which I am not downplaying) or other partners before you?