Betrayed by porn......the demise of intimacy, a partners tale!

[Beautiful1973]

Hey @GBS, firstly can I say what a great guy your are, you are always so kind and empathetic, which I really value.

No he hasn't been unfaithful to me. I don't want to tell too much of his story as it's his too tell and I hope that one day he will be able to come on here and add to the one lonely post he has on his journal....... but he has a lot of stuff that he hasn't dealt with from childhood and when his marriage ended 7 years ago! His behaviour has definitely got more toxic as time has gone by, he never did stuff like ghost me in the beginning, sure there was avoidant behaviour, but I just always had hope that it would resolve once he dealt with his issues and addictions.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear this, Beautiful. My advice: let your man know that when he's got his shit together (and keeps it together for 6 months or more), then you will talk. Instead it seems like you keep on walking into the same bear trap over and over. Like GBS says, this emotional blackmail and Jekyll & Hyde behavior suggests something much deeper than a porn addiction.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Beautiful1973 - I think one of the great things about this site is that we can almost always give advice and perspective to each other. Men and women, addicts and partners. There’s rarely a human trait on that someone hasn’t seen or been guilty of. So I hope there are others reading yours who can give some insight.

It is of course entirely possible that your man is Jekyll & Hyde and has no intention of changing, and if that’s the case then obviously and sadly you have to walk away. But we all on here are giving you hope because we’re trying to mend ourselves and that shines additional focussed light on your man’s failings.

I so wish I could be more helpful. It must be torture for you rubbing shoulders with men who represent something you wish your man was. Just for the record, we’re all human beings and we have relapses and failures and horrible moments.

Stay cool lady.

 

[GrateClips]

Thanks @GrateClips
I have read about limerence before, it’s an interesting topic aye, and while I fully understand the concept, I hate the negative connotation that I’m some love sick fool that can’t see past my man’s negative behaviour and red flags. I did set boundaries and have walked away several times in the last few years when I wasn’t going to tolerate his behaviour or mood swings. With that said, there is an element of him having an emotional hold over me and I’m not fully sure why I have given him that power. I agree that I do long for him to love me the way I love him and when things are good that love and devotion is reciprocated, but just as easily can be taken away when he’s not in a good head space, so maybe that’s an element of limerence
I guess this is where my frustration lies, as I am consistent, committed and transparent, all the hallmarks to build trust, whereas he struggles to have the same standard!

i would say many women mirror the consistent, committed mindset whereas many men have trouble with that same mindset. unfortunately.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I want to share something really profound that happened today.

This morning I made a comment on @Blondie's journal regarding change and things being out of our control, it really struck a chord with the way I'm feeling at the moment and the stuff I'm going through with the man (ex).
Well this evening I decided to drive 75 minutes to a yoga class I have never attended before, but thought what the hell, now that I'm single and have nothing better to do with my time, why not! The class was amazing, one of the most beautiful yoga sessions I have ever attended, I felt so relaxed.....at the end of the class the teacher said 'may you leave hear with inner peace', I lay there on my yogi mat thinking, yeah bring me inner peace universe.
After the class I went out to talk to the teacher and tell her how much I had enjoyed it, we were chatting for a while and I was telling her about my passion for yoga and starting meditation and that I loved how she incorporated some meditation into her yoga practice........well in that moment she said 'do you want to pull a card' and handed me a box of Wisdom Cards, or Oracle Cards as they are sometimes referred to. I was like 'yeah sure', so I shuffled the cards and pulled one from the deck and guess what I pulled.......The 'Peace' card, how bloody freaky is that.......and this is what it read:


26. Peace
Dissolving unwanted or disturbing thoughts

There is truly no point in worrying about things that are not in your control. Worry does not help anyone nor does it help resolve anything.
On the contrary, it often makes things seem worse than they actually are. Life is such that we can always find something to worry about. Yet, for your own wellbeing and for the wellbeing of those around you, it is vital that you learn to deal with things in a more positive way. To stop the endless cycle of disturbing and negative thoughts, you are advised to train yourself to focus on the positive side of things. Set aside time at the beginning and end of each day to meditate. Bring your awareness within. Feel and imagine yourself surrounded by love and light. Allow the universal light of love to fill your heart and mind. Imagine your thoughts dissolving and floating away into space, your mind at peace, clear as a blue sky. Focus on all that you are grateful for in your life and thank Mother Earth and the universe for every blessing.

MIC DROP>>>>>>

 

[GBS]

Truly wonderful. The grey skies above suddenly don’t seem so grey. I will remind myself to read this again later.

Thanks gal. May peace truly be with you.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thanks @GBS, the other spooky thing is, the meditation workshop I went to last weekend was called "Clear Sky Mind", I'm starting to think someone is trying to tell me something

 

[Beautiful1973]

I'm going to write some more as I'm in reflective mood and I'm running out of other peoples journals to comment on......not even joking......I am all over this place, people must be thinking 'fuk me this chick needs to get a life'.....LOL

So the man (ex) finally text me back today after ghosting me all week, so I decided I would call around to his place after yoga......he invited me in for a cuppa tea. The energy was weird as........I asked him how his counselling session went yesterday, and he admitted that he snuck out the back at the end of his session, so not to run into me as I was scheduled the session after...... I said 'what an absolute pussy', he just looked at me blanking and said 'I knew you'd say that'.......seriously the man must think I'm an absolute idiot, I knew as soon as I walked into the room that he'd been in there as I could sense him, and again the energy was as funky as hell. Then he said the worst bit was that he got home and jerked off to porn, I was like 'WTF'.......apparently his mate came over and they got really high and he was up till 3am watching porn......fukin yuk! I sat there thinking you could be having a meaningful relationship with a beautiful woman and you would rather indulge yourself with porn.......I felt disgusted, swear to god I felt like doing a little sick in my mouth I'm am done, I am so sick of this shit, now I'm out of the picture he's just going to go back to it. I said to him, this is exactly why you don't want to be with me, because you don't want to be accountable to anyone, you want to be able act out and do your shitty little behaviours without having to worry about someone elses feelings......but we all know this is a lonely hole to nowhere.
There is nothing there for me anymore, what we had is gone, he has destroyed the intimacy between us........I just need to heal and then move on with my life......hopefully find a man that doesn't watch porn......oh jesus wish me luck on that one, probably got more chance of finding a needle in a haystack, a four leaf clover or a leprechaun with a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow......LOL
Someone please tell me that there are men out there that don't watch porn, other than you lot, have you got mates, brothers, Fathers that don't indulge in this shite.......someone give me some bloody hope!!!!!! Maybe I'll have to start batting for the other team, there was a beautiful woman at yoga tonight that I was really attracted too......just not sure I could do the sexual part......oh what the hell maybe I should give it a go, woman are such majestic creatures.....LOL

Rant over, I need to stop eating toasted vogels at midnight and go to bed.....LOL

 

[Simon2]

There IS a good man (or woman lol) out there for you. Once you really fully let go your ex... From your pain I can tell that you haven't yet...

Maybe the next guy has watched porn (because I doubt many haven't at all), but not everyone becomes an addict, and that's quite different. This man could quit for you, knowing your trauma, and it wouldn't be so hard for him. But there are also men who detest porn, who see through the dazzle to the pain and perversion. We are doing it here - so it's possible, and I don't believe you have to be an addict first to get there.

Turn the page, and find beautiful life you deserve. It is out there somewhere. You don't even need anyone to be happy, that'll just be a bonus, right?

 

[Beautiful1973]

You don't even need anyone to be happy, that'll just be a bonus, right?

Thanks @SimonM yeah I definitely don't need someone to make me happy or complete, I just want to enjoy someone......I guess I'm just worried about the scar this relationship may of left on me with regards to porn......I suspect porn may of also been a big contributor to the down fall of my marriage, which I walked away from after 17 years. I always dabbled with a bit of porn and was never really anti it, until now, until the damage I've seen it do to my relationship and intimacy, too families and marriages.......now I have no tolerance for it, and I'm scared that it's going to seriously diminish the dating pool.......where as if I'd meet a man 3 years ago that said he watched porn occasionally then I would of been OK with it.......hang on a minute, I did meet a man that said he watched porn occasionally......and look how that turned out......LOL!

There IS a good man (or woman lol) out there for you. Once you really fully let go your ex... From your pain I can tell that you haven't yet...

Oh hell yeah, I think it will take a fair while to get over him and fully let go.......I want to make sure I'm back in a really great place before I even think about starting dating again.......but that doesn't mean it doesn't play on my mind that I may end up alone for the rest of my life because of porn!
Maybe that's what's kept me trapped here for so long......better the devil you know, than the devil you don't

 

[GBS]

@Beautiful1973 - part of me felt slightly relieved for you that the “man” (sine nomine) has showed his true colours. He’s no longer an enigma. So you move on. Way easier to say than do, but I agree completely with @SimonM - you need to let it go. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is calm and at peace with herself.

As for where you find one who isn’t porn dependant, they’re everywhere. Those of us facing our addictions are just like the millions out there, we’re just a few months ahead. Anyone can stop, you just have to have a reason. You will be that reason.

As for switching to play for the other team, are you trying to trigger us, or what?

 

[Blondie]

This is great news @Beautiful1973. We all have our problems (not me of course ) but he really didn't seem to even care about you and appears very selfish in many ways. I know it's sad, but in the end, it will be much better. I think it's good he showed you his full colors, that way you can just move on and ride off into your own sunset.

You only live once, why put up with unnecessary bullshit.

There's plenty of man out there not looking at porn, sure, maybe they're a little harder to find, but it would be worth it in the end.

Maybe I'll have to start batting for the other team, there was a beautiful woman at yoga tonight that I was really attracted too......just not sure I could do the sexual part......oh what the hell maybe I should give it a go, woman are such majestic creatures.....LOL

I think this is a wonderful idea. But I might be slightly biased here.

 

[Jlied]

I gotta follow suit and agree @Beautiful1973, I’ve been secretly waiting for you to come to your senses and see this guy for who he is. You’re going to be just fine, you see me sure and confident in yourself which are both sexy attributes. The one thing I hope you take away from this place is that even us old schleps can turn a corner and correct issues in our life. Porn sucks and it can tear apart a relationship but it’s no different than any other addiction, they all find a way to tear down a foundation. The good ones realize their mistakes and try to fix it, the good ones realize what they have when they have it and they don’t shit all over it. You’ll find a man who is deserving of your love and he’s not going to make you second guess anything about yourself. And like you said, there are always women, I must agree they are heavenly.

 

[TryingHarder]

I think you need to cut off all contact with your man, Beautiful. Seems that every time you two connect, it's a disaster. Like the reggae song says, "you gotta walk and don't look back".

 

[CamAddict199618]

@Beautiful1973 I appreciate your writing and your perspective here. I am finding a small temptation this morning, an awakening of my sexual desire after two days of no porn. I figured it take be longer but whatever. Reading your experience with your man helps me see the foolishness of giving in to that want, the weakness of it that he has and what it has done to him. His experience is very different from mine but in some ways similar. I guess mainly the similarity in the past has been knowing the damage it does and doing it anyway.

I like your exploration into meditation, I think it will be good for you.

Keep writing.

 

[Blondie]

How you doing @Beautiful1973? I hope you're doing well lady.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hey @Blondie, I’m good, just haven’t been on here much the last 2 weeks, as been busy with the kids and Christmas activities.
Thanks for reaching out fella.

 

[GBS]

Kids and Christmas go together like Reboot Nation and recovery.

Stay cool, lady.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Merry Christmas guys and thank you for welcoming me into this supportive community over the last few months. xx

 

[Simon2]

Merry Christmas to you @Beautiful1973. I hope next year brings you the joy you deserve!