I thought I would do a little bit of an update of what’s been going on with me over the last few weeks, it’s been a struggle at times.
I go from missing my man so much, to feelings of relief that I don’t have the anxiety of dealing with his porn addiction on a daily basis. I have also had this weird compulsion to look at dating sites, which I found very confusing, as the last thing I want at the moment is another man.
I realised I was developing a thought pattern where I’d start thinking about my man and all the negative things that he had said and done to me, then my thoughts would be flooded with wanting to forget him, move on, then boom my mind is thinking about looking at men on dating sites……it’s probably a similar pattern to what triggers the compulsion to look at porn.
I text my man yesterday to see if he wanted to have a cuppa tea this week or if he would rather not see me, he said that it was hard to say as he was in a really shit space mentally at the moment. He said he’d gone backwards with his healthy eating, smoking, weed, selfcare, porn consumption and mental health…… it’s heart-breaking to hear and left me with a ick feeling…….I told him it’s like watching the sinking of the Titanic! I don’t want to shame him or anyone else, but I felt disgusted at the thought of him sitting around in a dark room fapping off in front of his laptop, while life passes him by!
I’m trying to focus on building a new life for myself, but I feel stuck in is limbo land of still loving my man and wanting to move on, yet knowing it’s going to take time. I’m trying to fill my life up with activities, took my kids on holiday last week and then last night I went to a stage show by myself, which was outstanding. I’ve been going to the movies by myself and I’ve booked a couple of cooking classes/demo’s, a meditation workshop, going back to yoga and Latin dancing, and trying to get back in the gym, boxing and healthy eating…….yet still I feel a bit lost…..my heart still wants my man, but that is slowly slipping away [crying]!
I just wanted to express my gratitude for the lovely comments and messages I have received from you guys, it has made me feel seen. and I have felt really supported, especially by my new friend
@Nico.
I guess I just have to take this one day and a time, but it's hard, I'm not going to lie. Any thoughts or advice on how I get passed this, I will value your opinions as always.