Betrayed by porn......the demise of intimacy, a partners tale!

Phineas 808

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Staff member
Moderator
Thank you, Beautiful, for posting your story! Thank you for reminding (me) what devastation our bad habits or addictions can cause to our loved ones, destroying intimacy and true love.

Indeed, I'm sure he lost out on a good thing- a great thing- choosing fantasy over the real thing! Through the pain, you will emerge wiser and stronger, and that lucky person will really, really have to be worthy of you!

Wishing you the best!
 
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TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I was doing OK for a few days and thought I was turning a corner, but then suddenly I got hit by a wave of sadness and loss.
Unfortunately, that's how emotions and mental health work. You're fine one minute, and then what was kept at bay comes back stronger.

Maybe it's not too late for your man, Beautiful. But certainly he needs to make up his mind what's really important, now that he knows the scope of a porn addiction and the damage it's caused.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I thought I would do a little bit of an update of what’s been going on with me over the last few weeks, it’s been a struggle at times.
I go from missing my man so much, to feelings of relief that I don’t have the anxiety of dealing with his porn addiction on a daily basis. I have also had this weird compulsion to look at dating sites, which I found very confusing, as the last thing I want at the moment is another man.
I realised I was developing a thought pattern where I’d start thinking about my man and all the negative things that he had said and done to me, then my thoughts would be flooded with wanting to forget him, move on, then boom my mind is thinking about looking at men on dating sites……it’s probably a similar pattern to what triggers the compulsion to look at porn.

I text my man yesterday to see if he wanted to have a cuppa tea this week or if he would rather not see me, he said that it was hard to say as he was in a really shit space mentally at the moment. He said he’d gone backwards with his healthy eating, smoking, weed, selfcare, porn consumption and mental health…… it’s heart-breaking to hear and left me with a ick feeling…….I told him it’s like watching the sinking of the Titanic! I don’t want to shame him or anyone else, but I felt disgusted at the thought of him sitting around in a dark room fapping off in front of his laptop, while life passes him by!

I’m trying to focus on building a new life for myself, but I feel stuck in is limbo land of still loving my man and wanting to move on, yet knowing it’s going to take time. I’m trying to fill my life up with activities, took my kids on holiday last week and then last night I went to a stage show by myself, which was outstanding. I’ve been going to the movies by myself and I’ve booked a couple of cooking classes/demo’s, a meditation workshop, going back to yoga and Latin dancing, and trying to get back in the gym, boxing and healthy eating…….yet still I feel a bit lost…..my heart still wants my man, but that is slowly slipping away [crying]!

I just wanted to express my gratitude for the lovely comments and messages I have received from you guys, it has made me feel seen. and I have felt really supported, especially by my new friend @Nico.

I guess I just have to take this one day and a time, but it's hard, I'm not going to lie. Any thoughts or advice on how I get passed this, I will value your opinions as always.
 
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Nico

Active Member
You're doing really well. Just like with all of us it I hope that daily self love/care, and healthy grieving, will heal it in time. It sounds hard, painful, and confusing, but I feel you are doing all the right things and have got this. Your description of imagining your man doing that sums it up really powerfully and motivates me to change. My ideas (denial) on this being a harmless addiction have really changed through being involved on this forum.
 

Phineas 808

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I’m trying to focus on building a new life for myself, but I feel stuck in is limbo land of still loving my man and wanting to move on, yet knowing it’s going to take time.

So sorry for your loss and the pain involved in that, Beautiful! But you certainly deserve the best, and focusing on you right now with all the self-care that this entails, is the best thing you can do right now.

I hope you can move on, and let time do its thing- healing you. You can't be responsiblie for his health and wellbeing, if he doesn't want that right now- or if he can't believe in that right now. The image I have is of a drowning man, sometimes it's dangerous to try and save someone else. Make sure you're okay.

Wishing you the best.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear about this lady @Beautiful1973. I can't imagine how hard this would be, to be stuck in a place of both caring for someone yet knowing life is too short to wait for them forever.
I text my man yesterday to see if he wanted to have a cuppa tea this week or if he would rather not see me, he said that it was hard to say as he was in a really shit space mentally at the moment. He said he’d gone backwards with his healthy eating, smoking, weed, selfcare, porn consumption and mental health…… it’s heart-breaking to hear and left me with a ick feeling…….I told him it’s like watching the sinking of the Titanic!
Sounds like he's just given up. Which would imply that you should probably too.

Life is too short to be waiting for people who don't want to change, or would need some kind of "mother" figure to help them out (There's no way that could be attractive to you!). I'm not saying that's what he's doing per se, but it seems possible. I think you have a lot of good things going for you (as much as one can tell from being pen pals!) and if someone isn't willing to step up to the plate and give equally, then it's time to cut your losses and move on. Maybe doing that will help him out in the end, or maybe it won't, be either way, it's NOT your responsibility to take care of someone, no matter how hard it might be to let go.

Whoever said love is unconditional was full of it! It's takes two to tango, and when I told my girl what I had done last year (cam girls 🤦‍♂️), I was willing to do the work to get somewhere, and I knew she had every right to leave me right then and there. I don't have much patience in my life for people who make mistakes (although human) but don't want to fix their shit or even admit it. Thus, I brought that attitude into our relationship and to this particular problem, because I would never want to be THAT guy. I'm not patting myself on the back here, I'm just saying your man might wish he could be free from this problem, but wishing and doing are two entirely different things.

Actions speak louder than words.

It's good to have patience in this life, but eventually, you need to take care of yourself and let a self destructive Titanic seal its own fate (whatever and wherever that might be). Believe me, there's plenty of other boats in the sea!

which I found very confusing, as the last thing I want at the moment is another man.
Well, you could always switch teams and go for women, I've always found them to be quite exquisite! :cool:

Best to you.
 

Galatians51

Active Member
Thinking about a dating somebody else when you're in the middle of all this is probably natural. However sometimes trying to fix a broken relationship with another relationship can just make things all the more complicated (despite what television tries to teach us). Maybe just keep taking the time you need for yourself to heal from all you're going through, and who knows what will happen with your man, but at least you'll be ready for somebody else when the time comes (or for him if he gets his act together). Time combined with taking action in a positive direction has a way of healing us... even though it doesn't usually feel that way in the moment. Keep doing what your doing.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
@Blondie pretty much nailed it. Your man sounds like he's not worth the return on your investment any more. Sadly, your love won't change him - that change has to come from him to make his life better and clean up his act.

As far as advice goes, just take it one day at a time (as you already are). In time, those days will add up and you'll get the distance and healing you need. One thing that works for me is at the end of each day, think about what you have accomplished. Things like cooking a nice dinner or even remembering to pay a bill on time. That way, instead of dwelling on any feelings of loss, frustration, etc, you can focus on the good things, even if they seem small.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Hi Beautiful1973 :)

You sound like such a caring, genuine woman and I wish you nothing but the best in this situation. (Thanks for the lovely encouraging comments in my journal btw.)

I read your story, and it is the first time I have read a story from a womans point of view in a relationship with a porn addict. It was so insightful, and thank you so much for sharing, it has helped me no end :)

I have had three or four relationships fail because of porn. At the beginning of each relationship I would be so interested in my new partner but as the novelty faded a little, I would gravitate back to porn. As I went back to porn my world would collapse and I would become a shell walking around with no interest in my partner or how they felt, in fact I may have never even considered them.

I have never disclosed to a gf that I had a porn addiction (I did to a woman that, well I was the man in an affair, but that's a different tale) but you're offering so much support and love, and your on/off boyfriend may never have such help again.

Ultimately if you love him you'll fight for as long as you can to help him, but if he doesn't take that help eventually it will just end when you've had enough.

Recovery has to come from within.

Ps - feel free to ask me anything about porn addiction ;) i dont mind at all, I'm working my way through this and I think it's better to talk :)
 

searching4good

Active Member
Hi @Beautiful1973 - just to echo some of the other comments above, I am so sorry for everything you have been going through. You sound like an incredible, loving, genuine person who deserves to have a relationship that makes you feel like the most important woman in the world. No matter what, never lose sight of that. You will have that again, I am in no doubt.

Without wanting to overstep the mark, I think those who have said you have to put yourself first in all of this are absolutely right - life if so precious and at the end of the day, you can only do so much to point someone else in the right direction. It's heartbreaking when they can't see that for themselves or put it into action, but that's not on you.

Everything you've shared has really opened my eyes further to the kind of man that I want to be for my future partner. And I know this is the same for so many others who are reading and commenting. I so wish you didn't have to go through all the pain and trauma that you have. But hopefully it's something to know that, much like a butterfly fluttering its wings, your experiences and truth are reverberating around the world and leading to genuine good for all of us on here. And that good will in turn lead to more, and so on and so on. That's the power we have in all of us, to make the best of the cards we're dealt.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for being you. And, much like everyone else above I'm sure, I'm here on the other side of the fence with you on your own journey.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Sorry, joining in late. Not much to add, but if you, @Beautiful1973 , need to get the permission to move on, you have to do that yourself. If you haven’t already given your man an ultimatum then perhaps that’s an idea. He changes and shows you what he’s doing, then you can consider going back. If he doesn’t (in the next two weeks say), then you say you’re shutting the door. He needs to know you’re going and then you have the line drawn in the sand.

I was given an ultimatum and it kicked me forwards. If he does nothing then I a,m afraid he probably doesn’t love you enough and will not be good long term material.

For the avoidance of doubt we’re on your side. Go forwards.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Hey @Beautiful1973 I’ve been following this post over the weekend and only just now am finding enough time to respond.

so I will say that in some ways what you are feeling towards the man in your life isn’t radically different than what those of us struggling with addiction are going through, or at least I’m my own thoughts.

we know what we are doing hurting ourselves and others. We know that this problem we have in our lives is not the way we want to live our lives. We want it gone, we want to move on. Much in the way that you have comforting memories and experienced good times with the man you reference, I/we also have had comforting memories and good times with porn. It’s part of what makes it so hard to move on at times.

it hurts us to hurt those we love, it’s part of what brings us a lot of shame outside of the double life and letting ourselves down. Sometimes we can get away from porn for long periods of time and we feel relief, a sense of renew, but like with any relationship sometimes something triggers us into a memory. That memory plants a little seed that left unchecked grows into a strong urge that gets harder and harder to ignore and one day when our will power is low we cave. Then our guilt/shame, hiding, lying cycle starts all over again.

just like you know you need to leave the man in your life, you know it will cause you pain, it will make you question yourself, it will bring on insecurities you didn’t know you had, but you just can’t break away from that cycle either. It may not be porn that you’re hooked on but there is a cycle that you have been operating in as of late. The difference is you can see the promise in him, you know what he’s capable of, he might check off all your boxes when he is in a good head space and the last thing any of us want to do is give up on someone too soon and risk losing them and someone else reaping the rewards of that person if and when he does get right and stay right.

I personally think you should move on, I think you have been most patient. But allowing him back doesn’t force him to fully accept his issues and get better, he’ll always think there is the possibility of returning to you. But you are hurting yourself. You’re worth more than someone who can’t keep a promise to you, it’s a big promise but the alternative is not being able to trust him or anything about the relationship let alone the mental anguish of it.

I know I’ve said a lot of things generalizing the people in this group, but everywhere I have typed a we doesnt mean we all feel the same, it’s just a generality. I think you’ve gotten some great feed back here and I’m confident you’ll do what’s best for you.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Beautiful you mentioned several posts back that you just have to take things one day at a time. As a former addict this is something I know all to well. I can assure you that in my case time certainly did heal the pain I experienced.

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Thanks guys for all your wonderful comments and advice......I've been doing better over the last few days, I had clients earlier, then spent the evening cleaning the house, putting clean sheets on my bed......who doesn't love clean sheets night......LOL!
Feel like I've been achieving a lot off my 'to do list', which always feels good. I had a realisation tonight that I wasn't feeling lonely and was feeling joy while dancing around my kitchen to Air Supply......no judgement on my music choices please....ROFL!

I talked to the man (ex) on the phone tonight for 2 hours, he'd got into a confrontation at work with a colleague and was feeling upset. He was very emotional and said that his life is falling apart, and that he was lonely and depressed........I didn't know what to say, so just tried to listen, ask questions and offer the odd supportive comment without turning into Ms Fix-it! He started crying and said 'how can you be so kind and caring after all the hurt I've caused you'.......maybe that's more of a reflection on who I am as a person, than anything else?
I actually walked away from the conversation with a sense of peace...... and went back to my Air Supply....LOL!

This is such a healing space for me, so thank you for letting me be apart of it with all of you!
 

Jlied

Active Member
I like reading your posts as it’s a reminder that even though we have our struggles and issues sharing your side of the story gives us a unique insight as to how our actions affect others.

I know for my wife and i there have been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of long conversations and tears she’d. My addiction started before we ever started dating and in all honesty it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I had ever even heard as pornography as an addiction. I never intended to hurt her, or make her doubt us or even herself let alone my commitment to her. It may sound cliche but just about everyone I know or knew looked at porn, it seemed like it was a normal part of life so I never really gave it a second thought. But I can say the change in our marriage since I have been working on eliminating porn and chat rooms from my life has been massive. Yes there are still trust issues but I feel different. I don’t compare her to the people in videos or why she doesn’t do those things. I don’t hold resentments or as many insecurities about myself. I feel like I’m a more positive person and less irritable plus, not having a double life going on is so much less stress.

I know there is a section for spouses of addicts but I think it’s a really good thing for posts like this to be in this forum as well as I don’t know how often everyone looks at the spouses forum. Again thanks for sharing @Beautiful1973 it's good for all of us to see hear this. Please don’t be a stranger.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I was talking today about Love Languages. Mine are Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation, although I can do all 5 pretty well, but the affection and closeness are what I crave & need.
I began researching Love Languages when I started having miscommunication issues within my romantic relationship…… but I discovered something really interesting that I thought I’d share.

Growing up I always had a frustrating relationship with my Mum…..I never felt like she loved me enough, told me enough, hugged me enough, told me how wonderful I was or that she was proud of me. As a child this created a perfectionist mentality where I had to be the bloody best at everything so that I felt seen by my parents.

Once I became a Mother I would constantly tell my kids how much I love them, how beautiful they are, how to value themselves and how I appreciate all their wonderful qualities and attributes. This increased my frustration with my own Mother wondering why she couldn’t be like me and having a continuous dissatisfaction with our relationship based on my needs.
But I turned a corner when I discovered Love Languages, what I realised was that my Mum doesn’t speak the same Love Language as me, her language is Acts of Service and Gift Giving. She looks after my children all the time so I can work, fills my freezer up with meat, bought me a grocery voucher to take away on holiday with my Brother to pay for food to cook shared meals together, she fixes things that are broken, sends me interesting articles and course….. heaps of wonderful things.
But I couldn’t see it in the moments as I was too busy wondering why she’s not telling me she loves me, yet she was showing me love, her kind of love.
This had a massive turning point in our relationship and now I appreciate her so much more and feel loved by her.
I thought some of you might find this interesting and could maybe identify with this dynamic.
I’ll also share later what I discovered about my man and his Love Languages, as it’s quite insightful also.
 

Nico

Active Member
That's really interesting! I just looked it up and found 7 new languages. It's making me think that it would be good in relationships to learn your partner's or children's languages and be able to meet their needs more
 

Blondie

Respected Member
That was beautiful @Beautiful1973.

I too have read that book and it was very enlightening. Books like that make us more appreciative of ourselves and our partners and loved ones in general. Firstly, because they ask us to know ourselves, which is the greatest journey there is. Secondly, because they ask us not to think of ourselves and our own love language only (which is a self-centered motivation) but also externally to those outside our purview. It some ways the golden rule actually has it backwards, "In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" Matthew 7:12, because it puts you in the center of the universe. Perhaps it would be better to say, "In everything, do to others how they would wish you to do to them" I'm not religious, but it's an interesting thought.

Also, I don't know if you've ever taken those personality tests before, but they've really helped me to understand myself and others in my close relationships. Obviously, they're not "scientific" but they are helpful for understanding different human personalities, and as long as you don't look at them like a horoscope or something, they're great. They've shown me I make my decisions through logic (minus porn lol) and with a detachment from feelings in general, and say my girlfriend, most definitely makes her decisions, almost all of them, by using her feelings. Although this can be frustrating for someone like me, and likewise for my girlfriend, and does help you to see the world through their eyes, and NOT just yours!
 
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