Starting over to never have to start over again

douglasfirs

Member
Day 1 of no PMO today. I have tried doing this countless times for the past 3 years, managed to stay away from it for about 5 months max.

I had my fair share of sexual problems with women, and missed many oportunities due to PIED, being either sexual or relationship-wise. I'm currently 24, lost my virginity this year, and was making considerable progress after installing the ReMojo app (don't know if I can talk about this here but anyways). It was all going well, until I missed the feeling of getting a hard on. Even with that urge, I managed to hold on tight and move on with my life without this awful addiction.

It was all going well, until this friday. Was going to a party with some friends and got robbed on the way to the place. Armed robbery. Stole everything I had, my wallet, that had basically most of my documents, and my beaten down phone. I felt 100% powerless, like I had absolute no control of anything in my life, and all my mind could think about when I got home was PMO. Couldn't resist my urges and did it.

I really feel like I'm at the worst phase of my adult life, everything is overwhelming me, I feel like I can't trust my friends on some aspects, I'm losing touch and ending many relationships with people that really wanted to be in my life, and with people who clearly don't. And this is all getting to me. But I know it will pass, everything in life is like that, it all goes away someday. I believe keeping a journal will help me calm down and put my mind in place when I need it most.

As of now, I'm trying to go to the gym to generate and release energy, while learning how to skate, so I can get into a hobby that gets me in touch with all kinds of people, sharing different experiences and livingness. Thanks for reading all of this. I'll make it, and all of you will make it too. Sorry if I made some forum vocabulary mistakes, I'll educate myself hahaha
 

douglasfirs

Member
Day 2 of no PMO. I'll treat this as a personal journal, not just a day 2 day 3 etc type of journal, so expect me to share about my days.

I'm having a lot of trouble in my job, as my notebook password has expired and the IT Service of the Company is very poor. Second time I had this problem (my fault now), but they always seem to take the hardest road to fix it. Last time out I had to wait for 2 days for them to help me properly, just for they to send me to the office, and there they fixed my problem in like, 5 minutes. 2 days without work, 1 hour to go to the office, and 5 minutes to fix it. But anyways, at least I work from home, and I'm being able to use my personal computer for the time being.

And I worked on a cool project with two other people in my job, we will be presenting the Music League standings and statistics dashboard on thrusday for the whole company, and it's being very fun to develop this, getting new ideas and showing how creative I can be to myself. I get a little nervous in presentations, so I hope this will be a step of getting better at this.

Regarding the robbery, today I bought a new phone, a simple but one I know will fulfill what I need for a phone: 128GB storage space (I had 32GB on the one that got robbed LMAO), a nice camera and from a brand that I have used for years now, Motorola, as they always have great cheap phones for simple guys like me. It will probably be delivered tomorrow, so I can get back to my usual routine, get my bank cards activated again, etc. I also scheduled to make a new ID, and will get my college ID tomorrow too. Hoping this whole process won't take so long and I don't have to go through so much trouble to get my stuff back. Oh and by the way, how expensive are those ridge wallets? I thought those were like 20 dollars but they are actually 95+ LOL. Was thinking of getting one to be like, my "going out wallet" as I was dumb enough to have most of my documents in the wallet that got robbed, so I think with a smaller one I'll just bring the necessary when I go out to places where I could possibly get robbed (anywhere in this city).

Getting a new phone will allow me to get back to the gym, use some stuff that require the 2-step authenticator, and talk to some people on apps that I can only access on the phone. I was supposed to go out with a girl this sunday, but I never got her number or Insta so I never got to warn her I got robbed and wouldn't be able to see her. Hope she understands when I talk to her again.

Today I also discovered on Soundcloud an artist that makes some great Dance and Clubber remixes, scruz. They remix some grime and hip hop vocals of some artists I enjoy, like Skepta, JME, Frank Ocean, and I'm really enjoying the songs, so if you enjoy dance / UK garage music, I recommend it to you.

And unfortunately, a Football Manager 2022 save of mine can't seem to be working properly. I finished the first season in 6th with the worst club in the league (J-League), was a runner-up in the domestic cup, but it seems the league isn't getting updated to next season, so I basically have 4 months of no games to play, which isn't supposed to happen. I got really upset due to this, because I really spent a lot of time editing the players faces, because the facepack I downloaded wasn't working with the database I had, so I was really becoming attached to the players and club, started watching some real life highlights of the team, so this was a bummer.

I felt like MO today, but I managed to control my urges, so here we are, day 2. Thanks for reading!
 
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douglasfirs

Member
Day 4 of no PMO.

Today I did the presentation to everyone at work, and it went really well! Everyone complimented me, and it made me feel really well. I'm really trying to participate more on work, make my mark so I can get a promotion, and it seems to be working! In the presentation people got so excited they started interrupting me, but I managed to work that out well.

I also got (almost) everything figured with my new phone, so things are starting to get back to normal. Made a new ID today too. I felt really ugly in the photo but I guess it's due to the camera lens, they seem to make my face look different.

Things are working out nice! Tomorrow I'll go back to the gym finally, so yeah. Thanks for reading!
 

douglasfirs

Member
Day 6 of no PMO.

Forgot to write here yesterday, was up late playing with my friends and wanted to sleep, so yeah.

Talked to my therapist yesterday, and I think I will need real help to get confident to walk in this city again, I feel scared just to go around the corner to go to the gym... Hope this won't affect my life so much now that I have a new phone and actually got something to lose other than my life.

I'm thinking of getting a scorpion tattoo that I saw a tattoo artist I follow post as a flash, hope the tattoo isn't that expensive. I feel like a new tattoo would give me a boost of self-esteem and confidence, it's been a while since I made one. I just don't know where I would get it tattooed, I feel like a badly placed tattoo can really fuck up the aesthetic of future tattoos.

Got praised in the weekly meeting at work, and I felt really good about it. I really feel like I'm not doing my best cuz I'm still reaaaaally lazy to do stuff but I always deliver so idk. I know I can improve A LOT at work and get praised even more, but that really depends on my energy to do so (and the IT problems hehe).

And the girl that I was supposed to go out was super understanding of the situation and we are talking of seeing each other again! I'm happy about this, she seems nice and we got a similar sense of humor, if we (specially I) do this properly this can really work out nicely. I always feel that I sabotage my relantionships at some point so yeah... I'll take things slowly and carefully, and if it doesn't work, it happens.

Listening to Grimes rn as I write this, listen to her fellas. 'Visions' and 'Art Angels' are really great records, starting to enjoy her songs more now. Thanks for reading!
 
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douglasfirs

Member
Day 7 of no PMO.

Today I stepped on my cat's turd after leaving my bath, thank god it was on my sandals. Unfortunately I didn't realize it until I was in my bedroom, so there was some shit marks all over my room and I had to clean it all up. Other than that nothing much happened today. Let's keep it going. Thanks!
 

douglasfirs

Member
Day 8 of no PMO.

Yesterday I went to bed early so I didn't write anything here. Reflecting on the past day, I realized I had some stuff I had thought about.

I realized that in my discord calls I was being somewhat of a mean person to a friend of mine that has ADHD. Sometimes he speaks too much and doesn't really get deep into our conversations because he isn't paying attention, so our (me and my other friends) instinct is to poke fun at him. That may be upsetting him, and I'll try to pay more attention to the stuff I say to him. Of course I won't tell him that because it would probably make him feel bad for being different than the others and probably doesn't want any special treatment.

There is also something in my mind that I can't seem to get off it: a girl. Specifically the last girl I was with. I can't go a single day without her popping up in my mind. It's kinda weird, we had a bad fallout and blocked each other on everything possible, and I thought I was ok with it but it seems to be affecting me more than I would like. Let's see how long this streak goes.

And yesterday was a common day. Had my usual issues with my company's IT, and went to college. In college I smoked some with a friend of mine, and now that I have a cellphone I can pay for the food without any remorse. After smoking I went to class and I started realizing that college is something kind of crazy, like, the person in the front of the class teaching all of this stuff is as big in his area of expertise as a football player is to the world, and he is there, teaching 1% of the stuff he knows to you. Kinda made me think of how I could have had a better experience at college, as I'm in my last year there. Shame that I couldn't do 100% of the things I wanted there but it happens, will keep the lesson to my future opportunities. After getting home I ordered some fast food to fullfil my weed munchies and continued to watch the show I am watching.

Thanks for reading, hopefully I will be back here at night to complete the day.
 

douglasfirs

Member
Day 9 of no PMO.

Here I am, at night, to complete the day!

Made a lot of progress today. Managed to fix many password problems at work (there's still one left to fix but I'll sort that tomorrow), and that will help me organize myself way better. It's a relief to fix those things, even if I spend 1 hour on the phone with the IT guy, but I'm clear for a few weeks at least. And I also made the request for my college ID and college bus card, so that's another two I won't have to worry about for a while. Now left for me to request, is the most important: my city train card. Not having it takes so much money from me it hurts.

I still haven't got back to the gym, and it's kind of annoying me. I'm not really feeling the energy to go there, even though it's right around the corner, but I think tomorrow I'll make the effort to return. Gotta go back to taking creatine and my vitamin pills, those help me out a lot. Oh and btw, there are studies that taking creatine while taking depression meds help them getting absorbed better by your body, thus making it more effective in your brain, helping it "cure" it faster. I hope someday someone makes a study regarding the possible relation of creative with addictions, I'm sure it can help.

And at college I went to a building that I haven't gone there for a long long time, pre-pandemic. And going there made me feel more conected to my school, so I'll try to pass on a class that I already missed 4 classes, which the teacher gives his classes on that building especifically. Trying doesn't hurt right? And not being on my bedroom for a long period of time helps me, my uni has a lot of nature in it so I feel refreshed going there. After class I managed to speak with a dude that I'm making a group for this class, and he was pretty chill. He is one of the "unusual" people in my school, that isn't one of the rich annoying right-wing idiots that infest my school. Sometimes I feel like pulling out a 'Marie', pretend I'm from a certain school, tell people I'm new there so I can make some new friends, talking to different people and getting to experience things I wouldn't if I stayed the same. But that's just a crazy idea I probably won't execute lol.

Tomorrow I also got a meeting with my final paper advisor, so we can figure out a theme for my paper, cuz I'm already pretty late on that and time is running out. I actually did have a subject for the paper, but I was depending on some data from my company, which they couldn't give me, so I had to scrap it and come up with a new one, which hasn't popped up in my head yet. Hope it does tomorrow hehe.


Thanks for reading, good night!
 
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douglasfirs

Member
Day 10 of no PMO.

Yesterday the lights went out at night for a brief second but it turned off my PC, so I was lazy enough to not turn it on again to write this but here we are.

I finally went to gym! I wanted to go at my lunch hour but I just didn't have the energy to go... But I felt bad about it and was determined to go at night, even if I had to skip class (which I did). My friend got me hyped up to go, and there I went, hitting legs, my favourite day.

I am on a hurry here so that's going to be all that I write today, thanks!
 

douglasfirs

Member
Day 11 of no PMO.

Went to the gym again yesterday. Was feeling pretty under the weather but getting excited to go there and actually being there helped me out a lot. I don't really like that much hitting back and biceps because I feel like my shoulders and my biceps tendon will snap at any minute, and that's something that holds me off a lot in my gym progress. I feel similar when hitting chest because of my shoulders, but that's life. I really feel like the gym was the missing piece of getting my life back on track, and that seems to be working!

Spoke to my therapist yesterday too, got to discuss everything I talked about here, so that's helping me out a lot too, to organize the subjects I got to speak with her. I also feel like writing this before I sleep gets way more stuff in my head than after I wake up, so I will be trying to write at night.

Thanks for reading!
 
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