Starting over to never have to start over again

[douglasfirs]

Day 1 of no PMO today. I have tried doing this countless times for the past 3 years, managed to stay away from it for about 5 months max.

I had my fair share of sexual problems with women, and missed many oportunities due to PIED, being either sexual or relationship-wise. I'm currently 24, lost my virginity this year, and was making considerable progress after installing the ReMojo app (don't know if I can talk about this here but anyways). It was all going well, until I missed the feeling of getting a hard on. Even with that urge, I managed to hold on tight and move on with my life without this awful addiction.

It was all going well, until this friday. Was going to a party with some friends and got robbed on the way to the place. Armed robbery. Stole everything I had, my wallet, that had basically most of my documents, and my beaten down phone. I felt 100% powerless, like I had absolute no control of anything in my life, and all my mind could think about when I got home was PMO. Couldn't resist my urges and did it.

I really feel like I'm at the worst phase of my adult life, everything is overwhelming me, I feel like I can't trust my friends on some aspects, I'm losing touch and ending many relationships with people that really wanted to be in my life, and with people who clearly don't. And this is all getting to me. But I know it will pass, everything in life is like that, it all goes away someday. I believe keeping a journal will help me calm down and put my mind in place when I need it most.

As of now, I'm trying to go to the gym to generate and release energy, while learning how to skate, so I can get into a hobby that gets me in touch with all kinds of people, sharing different experiences and livingness. Thanks for reading all of this. I'll make it, and all of you will make it too. Sorry if I made some forum vocabulary mistakes, I'll educate myself hahaha

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 2 of no PMO. I'll treat this as a personal journal, not just a day 2 day 3 etc type of journal, so expect me to share about my days.

I'm having a lot of trouble in my job, as my notebook password has expired and the IT Service of the Company is very poor. Second time I had this problem (my fault now), but they always seem to take the hardest road to fix it. Last time out I had to wait for 2 days for them to help me properly, just for they to send me to the office, and there they fixed my problem in like, 5 minutes. 2 days without work, 1 hour to go to the office, and 5 minutes to fix it. But anyways, at least I work from home, and I'm being able to use my personal computer for the time being.

And I worked on a cool project with two other people in my job, we will be presenting the Music League standings and statistics dashboard on thrusday for the whole company, and it's being very fun to develop this, getting new ideas and showing how creative I can be to myself. I get a little nervous in presentations, so I hope this will be a step of getting better at this.

Regarding the robbery, today I bought a new phone, a simple but one I know will fulfill what I need for a phone: 128GB storage space (I had 32GB on the one that got robbed LMAO), a nice camera and from a brand that I have used for years now, Motorola, as they always have great cheap phones for simple guys like me. It will probably be delivered tomorrow, so I can get back to my usual routine, get my bank cards activated again, etc. I also scheduled to make a new ID, and will get my college ID tomorrow too. Hoping this whole process won't take so long and I don't have to go through so much trouble to get my stuff back. Oh and by the way, how expensive are those ridge wallets? I thought those were like 20 dollars but they are actually 95+ LOL. Was thinking of getting one to be like, my "going out wallet" as I was dumb enough to have most of my documents in the wallet that got robbed, so I think with a smaller one I'll just bring the necessary when I go out to places where I could possibly get robbed (anywhere in this city).

Getting a new phone will allow me to get back to the gym, use some stuff that require the 2-step authenticator, and talk to some people on apps that I can only access on the phone. I was supposed to go out with a girl this sunday, but I never got her number or Insta so I never got to warn her I got robbed and wouldn't be able to see her. Hope she understands when I talk to her again.

Today I also discovered on Soundcloud an artist that makes some great Dance and Clubber remixes, scruz. They remix some grime and hip hop vocals of some artists I enjoy, like Skepta, JME, Frank Ocean, and I'm really enjoying the songs, so if you enjoy dance / UK garage music, I recommend it to you.

And unfortunately, a Football Manager 2022 save of mine can't seem to be working properly. I finished the first season in 6th with the worst club in the league (J-League), was a runner-up in the domestic cup, but it seems the league isn't getting updated to next season, so I basically have 4 months of no games to play, which isn't supposed to happen. I got really upset due to this, because I really spent a lot of time editing the players faces, because the facepack I downloaded wasn't working with the database I had, so I was really becoming attached to the players and club, started watching some real life highlights of the team, so this was a bummer.

I felt like MO today, but I managed to control my urges, so here we are, day 2. Thanks for reading!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 3 of no PMO.

Getting really anxious for tomorrow, I always get nervous for presentations. Won't be writing too much today cuz I got sleep, so thanks!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 4 of no PMO.

Today I did the presentation to everyone at work, and it went really well! Everyone complimented me, and it made me feel really well. I'm really trying to participate more on work, make my mark so I can get a promotion, and it seems to be working! In the presentation people got so excited they started interrupting me, but I managed to work that out well.

I also got (almost) everything figured with my new phone, so things are starting to get back to normal. Made a new ID today too. I felt really ugly in the photo but I guess it's due to the camera lens, they seem to make my face look different.

Things are working out nice! Tomorrow I'll go back to the gym finally, so yeah. Thanks for reading!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 6 of no PMO.

Forgot to write here yesterday, was up late playing with my friends and wanted to sleep, so yeah.

Talked to my therapist yesterday, and I think I will need real help to get confident to walk in this city again, I feel scared just to go around the corner to go to the gym... Hope this won't affect my life so much now that I have a new phone and actually got something to lose other than my life.

I'm thinking of getting a scorpion tattoo that I saw a tattoo artist I follow post as a flash, hope the tattoo isn't that expensive. I feel like a new tattoo would give me a boost of self-esteem and confidence, it's been a while since I made one. I just don't know where I would get it tattooed, I feel like a badly placed tattoo can really fuck up the aesthetic of future tattoos.

Got praised in the weekly meeting at work, and I felt really good about it. I really feel like I'm not doing my best cuz I'm still reaaaaally lazy to do stuff but I always deliver so idk. I know I can improve A LOT at work and get praised even more, but that really depends on my energy to do so (and the IT problems hehe).

And the girl that I was supposed to go out was super understanding of the situation and we are talking of seeing each other again! I'm happy about this, she seems nice and we got a similar sense of humor, if we (specially I) do this properly this can really work out nicely. I always feel that I sabotage my relantionships at some point so yeah... I'll take things slowly and carefully, and if it doesn't work, it happens.

Listening to Grimes rn as I write this, listen to her fellas. 'Visions' and 'Art Angels' are really great records, starting to enjoy her songs more now. Thanks for reading!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 7 of no PMO.

Today I stepped on my cat's turd after leaving my bath, thank god it was on my sandals. Unfortunately I didn't realize it until I was in my bedroom, so there was some shit marks all over my room and I had to clean it all up. Other than that nothing much happened today. Let's keep it going. Thanks!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 8 of no PMO.

Yesterday I went to bed early so I didn't write anything here. Reflecting on the past day, I realized I had some stuff I had thought about.

I realized that in my discord calls I was being somewhat of a mean person to a friend of mine that has ADHD. Sometimes he speaks too much and doesn't really get deep into our conversations because he isn't paying attention, so our (me and my other friends) instinct is to poke fun at him. That may be upsetting him, and I'll try to pay more attention to the stuff I say to him. Of course I won't tell him that because it would probably make him feel bad for being different than the others and probably doesn't want any special treatment.

There is also something in my mind that I can't seem to get off it: a girl. Specifically the last girl I was with. I can't go a single day without her popping up in my mind. It's kinda weird, we had a bad fallout and blocked each other on everything possible, and I thought I was ok with it but it seems to be affecting me more than I would like. Let's see how long this streak goes.

And yesterday was a common day. Had my usual issues with my company's IT, and went to college. In college I smoked some with a friend of mine, and now that I have a cellphone I can pay for the food without any remorse. After smoking I went to class and I started realizing that college is something kind of crazy, like, the person in the front of the class teaching all of this stuff is as big in his area of expertise as a football player is to the world, and he is there, teaching 1% of the stuff he knows to you. Kinda made me think of how I could have had a better experience at college, as I'm in my last year there. Shame that I couldn't do 100% of the things I wanted there but it happens, will keep the lesson to my future opportunities. After getting home I ordered some fast food to fullfil my weed munchies and continued to watch the show I am watching.

Thanks for reading, hopefully I will be back here at night to complete the day.

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 9 of no PMO.

Here I am, at night, to complete the day!

Made a lot of progress today. Managed to fix many password problems at work (there's still one left to fix but I'll sort that tomorrow), and that will help me organize myself way better. It's a relief to fix those things, even if I spend 1 hour on the phone with the IT guy, but I'm clear for a few weeks at least. And I also made the request for my college ID and college bus card, so that's another two I won't have to worry about for a while. Now left for me to request, is the most important: my city train card. Not having it takes so much money from me it hurts.

I still haven't got back to the gym, and it's kind of annoying me. I'm not really feeling the energy to go there, even though it's right around the corner, but I think tomorrow I'll make the effort to return. Gotta go back to taking creatine and my vitamin pills, those help me out a lot. Oh and btw, there are studies that taking creatine while taking depression meds help them getting absorbed better by your body, thus making it more effective in your brain, helping it "cure" it faster. I hope someday someone makes a study regarding the possible relation of creative with addictions, I'm sure it can help.

And at college I went to a building that I haven't gone there for a long long time, pre-pandemic. And going there made me feel more conected to my school, so I'll try to pass on a class that I already missed 4 classes, which the teacher gives his classes on that building especifically. Trying doesn't hurt right? And not being on my bedroom for a long period of time helps me, my uni has a lot of nature in it so I feel refreshed going there. After class I managed to speak with a dude that I'm making a group for this class, and he was pretty chill. He is one of the "unusual" people in my school, that isn't one of the rich annoying right-wing idiots that infest my school. Sometimes I feel like pulling out a 'Marie', pretend I'm from a certain school, tell people I'm new there so I can make some new friends, talking to different people and getting to experience things I wouldn't if I stayed the same. But that's just a crazy idea I probably won't execute lol.

Tomorrow I also got a meeting with my final paper advisor, so we can figure out a theme for my paper, cuz I'm already pretty late on that and time is running out. I actually did have a subject for the paper, but I was depending on some data from my company, which they couldn't give me, so I had to scrap it and come up with a new one, which hasn't popped up in my head yet. Hope it does tomorrow hehe.


Thanks for reading, good night!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 10 of no PMO.

Yesterday the lights went out at night for a brief second but it turned off my PC, so I was lazy enough to not turn it on again to write this but here we are.

I finally went to gym! I wanted to go at my lunch hour but I just didn't have the energy to go... But I felt bad about it and was determined to go at night, even if I had to skip class (which I did). My friend got me hyped up to go, and there I went, hitting legs, my favourite day.

I am on a hurry here so that's going to be all that I write today, thanks!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 11 of no PMO.

Went to the gym again yesterday. Was feeling pretty under the weather but getting excited to go there and actually being there helped me out a lot. I don't really like that much hitting back and biceps because I feel like my shoulders and my biceps tendon will snap at any minute, and that's something that holds me off a lot in my gym progress. I feel similar when hitting chest because of my shoulders, but that's life. I really feel like the gym was the missing piece of getting my life back on track, and that seems to be working!

Spoke to my therapist yesterday too, got to discuss everything I talked about here, so that's helping me out a lot too, to organize the subjects I got to speak with her. I also feel like writing this before I sleep gets way more stuff in my head than after I wake up, so I will be trying to write at night.

Thanks for reading!

 

[douglasfirs]

Well almost a month after, here I am.

I relapsed. Sometimes. I'm back here cuz I feel this was helping me out and without this I was feeling confused. Thanks.

 

[swimmer97]

You already made 5 month once. Thats pretty impressive. Im sure you can exit porn forever as well. Lets get this done

 

[douglasfirs]

You already made 5 month once. Thats pretty impressive. Im sure you can exit porn forever as well. Lets get this done

Let's do it bro. Thanks for the support.

 

[douglasfirs]

Well, here we go again.

Day 0 of no PMO.

Had a really, really rough month. I don't even remember why I relapsed the first time after starting this journal, but things haven't been really good for me so far.

First of all, still thinking about that girl. One of these days she called me all of the sudden, why almost gave me an anxiety attack, and after sending her a message, it seems it was a error on her phone screen, that called, coincidentally, me. She also mention one of my tweets of an alternate account of mine, kinda mocking me, and that really affectted me. Next week I'm probably going to see her at a festival, hoping things go well... She's supposed to give me a birthday present too, but will only send it when she's at the festival. When I last saw her, she gave me a gift, but I lost it since it was in my wallet when I got robbed.

Speaking of that festival, the artists there got some sad songs (like Beach House), and listening to their setlists got me feeling really lonely and got me thinking about the past, which sometimes is not really healthy. This feeling took over my body for a few days, couldn't really get my head straight and felt like shit for days, until I spoke with my therapist.

On a positive note, I finally went 3 days straight to the gym, and I'm feeling the progress flowing. I set up alarms to take my creatine and whey protein everyday, and it's really working. Setting up a new training routine to take some load of my shoulders, literally, and I think it's helping.

At work, I just finished studying for some certification tests, hope I can do well on them. The last time I had these type of tests, I was the only one on my team that didn't get a certification, and that fucked my morale at work for months. All of these things really make me feel like I'm incapable of doing anything, that I can't maintain anything, either a relationship, a hobby, or a simple habit, like studying. Next month my boss is going on vacation, so only me and the analyst will be on the team handling things. Hope I can develop well on this period, and show up to the rest of the company.

Sorta related to work, I had an issue where I paid 80 bucks for a service by mistake, because I forgot to cancel my free trial. I got sad in the moment, but I realized that shit changed nothing in my life. Actually, it changed a lot. I realized that money don't mean shit to me, and I should be spending if I want to, because I'll recover it someday. I shouldn't be insecure to spending 500 to go to a concert, cuz who knows when my favourite artist will play at my city again? After this, I bought some new shoes that I was needing, and it only improved my self-esteem, not caring about money.

I think that's about it, thanks for reading, tomorrow I'll be here again.

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 1 of no PMO.

Pretty uneventful day. Yesterday after I wrote my journal the girl I was talking about called me and we talked for an hour or so... It was great talking to her and seeing that she's happy.

Today I focused on studying for the test I was gonna take, and even though I worked hard, I still haven't reached the ideal score to get the certification (80% of the questions). Gonna have to study tomorrow, hopefully I'll pass, if I don't, that's gonna be a huge blow for me at work...

Other than that, nothing much. I'm praying that tomorrow won't be a stressful day, because the presidential election is tomorrow and I really hope everything goes as expected...

For this week, I got to hydrate my hair. Haven't done this for months and I really should be doing this regularly.

Thanks for reading, see y'all tomorrow!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 5 of no PMO.

This is probably the happiest week of my life to be honest. The candidate I voted for was elected, we partied a lot due to this, and everything is going to plan. Had some urges to P today, but managed to MO without to release the tension.

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 9 (?) of no PMO.

Things are going okay. Had some rough patches due to that girl I always talk about here, but I'm feeling better now. Released a lot of energy saturday, went to a festival that had some of my favourite bands, so it was a pretty good day. I was supposed to meet that girl at some point, but her boyfriend didn't like the idea so she didn't come to me, neither did I to her. Got pretty bummed out about it, talked to her the next day and things got pretty sad as I feel I still got feelings for her, and so does her for me... But there's nothing we can do about it since she's dating someone and she's not "that kind of girl".

Also in the festival a girl came up to me, saying I was really pretty and that she wanted to kiss me, so we did. I got her number after that and I'm talking to her right now, but I'm not really feeling it. She really seems needy and I don't think I'm really prepared for someone like this right now... saying things like I'm really cute and shit but I'm not doing anything special... But we'll see how things go. And funly enough, I realized that, behind me after me and that girl kissed, was that girl I talked about sometimes, the one I couldn't go out cuz I got robbed. Hope she didn't see it hehe

College is really overwhelming me. Can't seem to start my final papers and this is getting to me. Hope I can get some progress done this week, other than that I'm cooked.

Thanks!

 

[douglasfirs]

Day 35 (?) of no PMO.

Things are going well! Having some issues here and there but I'm fine. Just writing this because today I had some bad dreams about P and everytime that happens I get urges, so I'm kinda reminding myself that I can make it through all of it. Thanks!

 

[douglasfirs]

Hello.

Today I relapsed, so... Day 0 of no PMO

First of all, I'm eating chocolate now and drinking water as I write this. I just talked to my therapist and she helped a lot today to figure out my triggers and vulnerabilities. I spent a lot of these days alone at home, as my parents were away for sometime. I spent most of these days watching the World Cup matches while I worked, so that has been pretty satisfying for me. I managed to stay away from MO for about 2 weeks and a half, until yesterday.

Yesterday I finally spoke with my final paper advisor and warn him that I won't be able to finish it in time. I just didn't manage to get any work, due to those World Cup Matches and lack of direction too... I think next semester I won't be working with him because he seems to care even less than me. But yesterday I went to college and did a exam, nothing much. After that I smoked one with my friends, and realized that was the last time I was going to do that with them there, since they are all graduating in the next days. I got kinda sad at the moment, because I realized they enjoyed the "college experience" much more than me, and they managed to finish college in the ideal period, while I'll be staying another year there, but this time with fewer close friends... And I think that hit me. Gave them a big hug and went home. Everything was fine, was listening to some songs that I usually listen while I'm high, but when I arrived home it just came to me that I wanted to PMO. And I did. I thought it was sudden, that I did it without any reason, but talking to my therapist today I managed to connect the facts that led to this.

Speaking to her made me realize that when I get frustrated with myself I always need to find a escape valve to get rid of the feeling, but when I get frustrated with a friend, a girl, etc, I don't feel the urge to do anything. I just accept it and move on. For example, a few weeks back I went to a party with a girl that was super horny for me, it was a dancing party where they put like, Just Dance videos and music clips so everybody dances along you know? We were together for like 2 minutes, she said, "brb" and disappeared for like an hour. After that I found her, we were together for another 3 minutes, she told me to wait where I was and told she was just going to take a leak and come back. A few minutes later I see her dancing somewhere else, and later hooking up with another guy. Of course I got frustrated because she didn't even spend 5 minutes with me but I understood that was her fault and moved on, with no thoughts of self-harm in mind.

And I think that's about it... Gotta move on, forgive myself, and know myself better. Thanks for reading!

 

[Chhow]

Day 1 of no PMO today. I have tried doing this countless times for the past 3 years, managed to stay away from it for about 5 months max.

I had my fair share of sexual problems with women, and missed many oportunities due to PIED, being either sexual or relationship-wise. I'm currently 24, lost my virginity this year, and was making considerable progress after installing the ReMojo app (don't know if I can talk about this here but anyways). It was all going well, until I missed the feeling of getting a hard on. Even with that urge, I managed to hold on tight and move on with my life without this awful addiction.

It was all going well, until this friday. Was going to a party with some friends and got robbed on the way to the place. Armed robbery. Stole everything I had, my wallet, that had basically most of my documents, and my beaten down phone. I felt 100% powerless, like I had absolute no control of anything in my life, and all my mind could think about when I got home was PMO. Couldn't resist my urges and did it.

I really feel like I'm at the worst phase of my adult life, everything is overwhelming me, I feel like I can't trust my friends on some aspects, I'm losing touch and ending many relationships with people that really wanted to be in my life, and with people who clearly don't. And this is all getting to me. But I know it will pass, everything in life is like that, it all goes away someday. I believe keeping a journal will help me calm down and put my mind in place when I need it most.

As of now, I'm trying to go to the gym to generate and release energy, while learning how to skate, ride this bike, so I can get into a hobby that gets me in touch with all kinds of people, sharing different experiences and livingness. Thanks for reading all of this. I'll make it, and all of you will make it too. Sorry if I made some forum vocabulary mistakes, I'll educate myself hahaha

You had just a gorgeous result in 5 months, it's very cool! Remember that you could achieve such a result, and you can definitely repeat it and even improve it!

I saw you broke down. Glad you have a therapist to walk this path with. I'm sure you will succeed!

P.S. Really enjoy reading your diary!