SoberRich
Member
I am just going to go out and say it. It sounds almost heretical but the longer I keep it bottled inside the worse it gets. [Bear in mind I am only 2 days sober of porn, so it is quite possible that I have no idea what I am talking about, and also I have never had PIED].
I always had difficulty getting erect at strip clubs and never knew why. I always had issues with that, to the extent where I usually just stopped going. It didn't matter if I was sober or drunk. It didn't matter if I was in a relationship (in which case I was borderline-cheating by going) or single. I couldn't get hard at a strip club without a lot of embarrassing effort. It didn't matter if I was attracted to the stripper or not.
And yet, when I hooked up with someone when I was sober, and when I had sex with my girlfriend and/or wife when I was taken, I had no problem getting hard.
Could it be that I knew that it was wrong?
And now it has been the same situation with porn. I actually went the opposite direction with porn. Whereas most porn addicts go towards more and more graphic material, I went the direction of watching videos that were substitutes for a relationship. I was in a relationship, I was married. But I was watching videos of what I considered an ideal relationship to be. [I now realize how misogynistic and sexist these ideas actually were.]
Could it be that I wasn't mourning my actual relationship at all, but how I had let it fall to the ground? Could it be that I longed to get back to that ideal which was the first few weeks of a relationship, with the constant sex and adoration?
Pretty soon I found it hard to get erect to porn too. No matter what the content showed it wouldn't get hard.
I know the traditional thoughts on the matter. What the science says. But could it possibly be that my body was now rejecting the porn just like it rejected the fake desire of the stripper giving me a lap dance. My body knew it wasn't real.
What if not being visually stimulated anymore isn't the inferior state that many of us think it is. What if our body is actually maturing? What if our arousal is becoming more touch based, or God forbid, a combination of both sight and touch, the way I imagine it is for women?
What if it is a good thing that I respond to touch now?
Just a bunch of thoughts thrown together. Take from it what you will.
Rich
I always had difficulty getting erect at strip clubs and never knew why. I always had issues with that, to the extent where I usually just stopped going. It didn't matter if I was sober or drunk. It didn't matter if I was in a relationship (in which case I was borderline-cheating by going) or single. I couldn't get hard at a strip club without a lot of embarrassing effort. It didn't matter if I was attracted to the stripper or not.
And yet, when I hooked up with someone when I was sober, and when I had sex with my girlfriend and/or wife when I was taken, I had no problem getting hard.
Could it be that I knew that it was wrong?
And now it has been the same situation with porn. I actually went the opposite direction with porn. Whereas most porn addicts go towards more and more graphic material, I went the direction of watching videos that were substitutes for a relationship. I was in a relationship, I was married. But I was watching videos of what I considered an ideal relationship to be. [I now realize how misogynistic and sexist these ideas actually were.]
Could it be that I wasn't mourning my actual relationship at all, but how I had let it fall to the ground? Could it be that I longed to get back to that ideal which was the first few weeks of a relationship, with the constant sex and adoration?
Pretty soon I found it hard to get erect to porn too. No matter what the content showed it wouldn't get hard.
I know the traditional thoughts on the matter. What the science says. But could it possibly be that my body was now rejecting the porn just like it rejected the fake desire of the stripper giving me a lap dance. My body knew it wasn't real.
What if not being visually stimulated anymore isn't the inferior state that many of us think it is. What if our body is actually maturing? What if our arousal is becoming more touch based, or God forbid, a combination of both sight and touch, the way I imagine it is for women?
What if it is a good thing that I respond to touch now?
Just a bunch of thoughts thrown together. Take from it what you will.
Rich
