celibate's journal

I was watching some youtube videos for hours today, only to end up being displeased with them.

I don't like popular entertainment from youtube videos much anymore. They seem to portray stereotypes that aren't healthy observations for me.

I am not upset too much though. Every day, I dedicate 3.5 hours towards reading personal accounts from people. These personal accounts are usually not stereotypical; not designed to perpetuate, entertain, or promote any stereotype; and founded on reality.

Some days, I don't observe those 3.5 daily hours. I should start putting those hours before any entertainment, especially if the entertainment might not be healthy for me.
day 91 p-mode
Yesterday was horrible. I only had 3 hours of sleep, partly because of my cousin. She wanted to drag me to some event. I sneaked out but still went to some big dinner for her.

I hated the dinner. There was a lot of strange talk about partners and abortion. I hate when women ask about my singlehood. Why does a man need to have a girlfriend? Am I not allowed to respect women and treat them equally as I treat men? The dinner was with family and two family friends. Every time they brought up the discomforting topic of my having a girlfriend, I reminded them about divorce. Apparently, divorce is a sour topic. It's okay to talk about having a partner but not about divorce?

Again, I really don't like socializing with my family much. They seem vain. They were all drinking alcohol too. And at some point, they were talking about abortion. So, abortion is an acceptable topic but divorce isn't? Again, my family is vain and dad speaks against Christianity. But I make sure they all remember that my dad was divorced 3 times. He lost money, children, and houses because of his lust and vanity. I won't be a sinful lustful fool and get preyed on by women.
day 94 p-mode
I've been developing a bad habit of calling female scam callers. It started a few days ago when I noticed I missed a call by a "Scam Likely" number. I dialed the number and was answered by a woman's voice that was not a robot. It was strange because I honestly thought most scam calls where by robots. Anyhow, I kept calling until I MO'ed to the call. The scammer blocked my number but I found a way to find numbers of more potential scammers.

I think I wasted almost an hour calling scammers tonight. I couldn't MO during the first few scam calls. I kept thinking that the scammer was transgender, and I respect transgenders enough to not treat them like sexual objects. The majority of the scam calls led to nowhere or were answered by males.

I don't feel guilty for the hobby much. I feel like those horrible scammers deserve nothing more than my MO for trying to scam people. I would rather disrespectfully MO in front of a scammer instead of in front of an online woman who pretends to help me. MO'ing over the phone seems a lot safer than over the internet.

I don't flirt with the scammers. They are robbers and don't deserve any compliments regardless of their gender. Befote this bad hobby, I was florting online, qhich was always embarassing and usually ended with a block, ban, or misinformation about women or sex. I was tired of women telling me that flirting was okay for me, when I clearly told them that florting qs not okay for me. But qith these scammers, there's no flirting or mosinformation. They are clearly criminal women who would quickly sexually manipulate me if I flirt, so I don't dare.

But then I'm calling scammers who can rob me. This bad hobby is very dangerous. They can probably eventually find a way to sexually manipulate me too. Some of them may be part of a crime gang or be prostitutes.

Also, the scam callers might be transgender or males. Some callers can use technology to change their voice. Some transgenders can have surgery or voice therapy to sound like a female. So, I could technically be MO'ing to males or transgenders without knowing. I don't want to mistreat men or transgenders as sexual objects.

I'm still studying the dangers of sex, which I believe is lowering my urges or making me think more logically before any foolish sexual act. I need to keep that study, regardless of my transient bad sexual habits, because I believe the study will ultimately help me discover that my sexual urges are not wise to pursue with female strangers.
day 95 p-mode
Calling scammers to MO is really not fun. Like 80% of the phone numbers are not answered by a female. And when they are, I can't really MO during the call. The caller could be a male with a vooce-altering technology, transgender, or intersex. I don't treat those groups as sexual objects, so I just don't feel like MO'ing during a call because I'm not confident in the caller's gender.

Also, I don't like the idea of MO'ing to someone who wants to rob me. I'm calling scammers, a very risky and dangerous hobby. I don't care if a woman can produce 20 healthy kids. If she is a scammer trying to rob me, I should not be MO'ing during our phone call. I shouldn't be talking to her at all. Predators are horrible and don't deserve my attention.
day 98 p-mode
Well I knew MO'ing to female scam callers would be bad: I got a phone message from some random recipient. The message had an image that didn't show thankfully but it could've been a pornographic image from the scammers, trying to sexually manipulate me. The sender of the text message was a strange email address, so she was probably hoping that I'd look at the image and then email her. I never recieved an image from an unknown recipient via phone before.

To be honest, I haven't been MO'ing to female scam callers much. The bad hobby is very time-consuming and like 80% of calls are not answered by females. MO'ing during a call is not easy either: the women sound boring, uneasy, or plain. They also seem to hang up if they hear me M'ing. And now I have another good reason to stop MO'ing to female scammers: they may be sending me pornographic images via phone messaging to sexually manipulate me.

I might go back to flirting online. I don't like flirting online because it can lead to sexting but at least my phone number doesn't get compromise nor used for unsolicited porn. It's safer.
day 100 p-mode

Last night was very strange. I was flirting with a woman who was defending a boyfriend who molested his own daughter. The woman herself was in a polyamorous relationship. Again, this is why I hate flirting online. These types of women don't deserve compliments. They are disturbing and disgusting.

I pray that I never have to go online to flirt again. I've been sick the past few days, so I allowed myself unlimited online time. That was a big mistake because online time increases my chances of sexting and flirting. But today, my sickness should subside after wearing double sweaters.
My reading of sexual dangers is getting more critical. Within the 3.5 daily hours of my reading, I'm now alloting 2 daily hours to past records of sexual dangers. These past records communicate severe sexual damgers like severe symptoms of sexually transmitted infwctions. The past records also don't promote sex unlike other records or new accounts.

I think I'm already being affected by the critical reading. I didn't have much, if any, urge to flirt online or call scammers today.
day 102 p-mode
I had an online chat some days ago with a woman who identified as "asexual." She was in a polyamorous relationship and was attracted to a man who molested his own daughter. I stopped chatting with her because she started to defend the child molester.

Anyhow, I really started to question her use of the term, "asexual." I think some people use the term "asexual" incorrectly, which is unfortunate. Then I thought of the phrase "asexual prostitute" and laughed to myself. Clearly that's just stupid and fake, right?

I did a google search and seems there were some "asexual" prostitutes. One wrote something like, "I've been faking an enjoyment of sex with men for years, so might as well get paid for it."

Now when I say, "prostitute," I mean a women who voluntarily sells sex for money. I am not referring to people who may be forced to have sex, as those are victims or sex slaves.

Firstly, sex can spread sexually transmitted infections. Condoms can break, fail to cover all infected skin, get microtears, or slip off. Thus prostitution is very risky work and usually not worth any profit that might get zeroed by medical costs.

Imagine a woman who has no interest in sex. Why would she want a job that's very risky, if she has no interest in the job? Of course the job provides money, but every job provides that. She could be a babysitter, nurse, or get any safer job.

Then also, she has little to no passion for her work. How successful can she be at the work without passion? Workers can perform wuite well in a job when thry have a passion for it. Of course, not all workers have a passion for their job. I myself don't have much of a passion for my past work. But at least my work didn't have a high risk of infectious disease.

If a prostitute claims to be "asexual," then she really needs to think critically about her use of the term. Either that or she has to rethink her life.
day 11X p-mode
Well, sending SMS messages to people with my smartphone is illegal without their consent. So, I was thinking of quitting my quest to communicate with people who have infections.

Also, a family member is in the hospital. I have to visit him nearly daily. If he dies then my whole life will change, at least when considering finances, security, and shelter. He wasn't really around for most of my life, so I don't really have much of an emotional connection with him. He is also antiChristian and quite vain.

But maybe I can still try to outreach to people who are infected. I can't send mass SMS messages, but I could legally dial each phone number on my list manually. I'd be reaching 60 people per hour, at best. Half of those phone numbers might not even be in service. Or half of those recipients will be angry that I called them or interrupted their day. And yes, people have expressed racism towards me by phone before so I can expect to get racially harassed or threatened too. I doubt I will reach anyone who has an infection as much as reach anyone who will harass me or misinform me about STIs.

During my phone "campaign," I could offer to pay for STI medication but (1) that could cost a lot of money and (2) the recipient must prove their infection status to me. I could probably deal with (1) if I earned more money but (2) might not be too easy. Althought maybe (2) might be easier if I actually go with the recipient to the hospital and witness the purchase of medication, since STI medication very likely requires a doctor's prescription.

If my outreach fails via telecommunications, then I could try communicating the outreach on foot. I could distribute small flyers or cards. My skin color might detract people from the flyers though. People might also assume that I have an STI and try to hurt me. However, I could word my flyers or cards in such a way where most recipients won't assume that I am associated with the flyers or cards. There are many ways that I can do this. I could also word my flyers or cards in such a way where most recipients won't realize the STI topic unless they read very carefully. I can also distribute flyers and cards in random areas of my city, making sure to not visit the same area twice lest I have a second encounter with anyone who has learned the nature of the flyers and thus might try to hurt me. To reduce the chance of a second encounter, I can also distribute flyers during a random hour of the day.

To further reduce the chance of being hurt while distributing flyers or cards, I can distribute to women, disabled people, people with eyeglasses, and elderly people. They might be less likely to directly hurt me. I could also distribute flyers to anyone near security cameras because they may be less likely to hurt me under camera surveillance. I can also distribute to lone persons instead of a person in or near a group, as any group can greatly hurt me.

This plan will have at least transportation costs. I may also need to pay a bit for flyers or cards. This plan will also require time.

I think my distribution of flyers and cards are protected under Freedom of Press.

I may temporarily suspend all communication plans until my family member recovers and leaves the hospital. These plans require money, and my finances might change drastically depending on the health of that family member. If anything, I should be focusing on money-making plans instead of not-for-profit plans.

Honestly, many people may avoid me or shun me while I distribute flyers. The avoidance and shunning might feel as bad as being rejected or blocked when flirting online. But there's a good difference between the two hobbies. One hobby is motivated by lust, is against rules, and usually involves communicating with female predators or on the internet. The other hobby involves learning about the dangers of sex and supporting people who have severe infections. Which hobby is safer? Which hobby would I feel less guilty about?