Start Over at 55 or wait it out? Confused and Angst Ridden

[ImBroken]

Howdy folks. 55 year old gay man married to a porn/virtual sex addict. We’ve been together for 30 years. Married for 10. Outside looking in - perfect marriage, perfect farm, perfect executive careers, blah blah blah. We have not been intimate for over a decade. This was due to his “last problem” with pornography. I had hired a private investigator who found his online sex group and gave me thousands of pages of his online exploits. Fast forward to this past Monday. A package arrived for Him from Amazon. His name was misspelled and had a weird “middle name” - thought nothing of it. Come to find out the package is from a ”fan” - for the past two years, apparently my husband is “famous” as an online author of a deviant, fantasy porn game that has a global audience in the tens of thousands. The gift was a leather dog mask commonly found in popular S&M culture.
When confronted, he immediately confessed - begged forgiveness.
We basically live separately in the home for the past decade - originally written off due to sleep apnea and snoring.
Sexually, I assume, masturbation has gotten us through self-gratification.

I’m super torn. I got my sobriety from alcohol and drugs almost two years before meeting him. I have a level of compassion for all addicts - but this is a second big offense and I am really struggling. On one hand, I still know I am viable on the open market for partners…of all ages…never thought I‘d be approached more as a “Daddy” than when i was in my 20’s and thought I was “the shit“.

The struggle is not having my best friend anymore. Sad to say, but right now, his actions, some of what I read and even just looking at him disgusts me. He’s on an online Sex Addicts meeting right now and I feel relieved I don’t have to talk to him for an hour.

I know I can survive and find a semblance of happiness again - just the thought of divorce - it will be costly, multiple properties, shared assets, multiple dogs, farm animals, blah blah blah.

I have zero empathy for him and he expects none - he has begged to try to be better and begged me to stay. We had a talk this evening and I told him where my head is at.

1. Divorce - over - go our separate ways
2. Live together as friends - not much different from the past ten years - but date/explore intimacy with other people - but the marriage stays in tact in name only.
3. I’ll give him until New Year’s to get his shit together and then I’ll decide.

He immediately chose option 3 - which was not my first choice.

Recovery from this addiction is long and relapse heavy - porn is anonymous, so readily available and apparently the things he likes and writes about are not my cup of tea…and trust me, I am no prude. I’ve been the decision maker the entire relationship…I just don’t want to make this one. I’m the son of TWO (2) Psychiatrists and the brother to another Psychiatrist - therapy is really NOT my thing - I’ve had enough of it growing up. I do well in support groups and was thrilled to find this group.

I haven’t been personally happy for a long time - Its so fresh that my FLIGHT instincts are saying GET OUT without considering ramifications. I definitely DO NOT love him like I originally loved him. Trust has been shattered - he has accepted all blame. I watch porn occasionally to assist in getting off and now I feel like a hypocrite of sorts.

Sorry for rambling - this is so fresh - I do not really want to go through this all over again - I’m not yelling and screaming…I’m kind of resolute that its his problem to fix - I just don’t know if I can tough it out for another week - let alone 3 months. Any advice, experience (Gay or Straight or anything else) would be appreciated. I do not want to confide in friends and have them “feel sorry” for me - I also don’t think they should know the reason if we split. Ugh…now I am rambling. I can’t tell you how cathartic it is just to get this out of me in some form of expression. All I can offer is thanks. I feel less alone.

 

[Daybyday1988]

Dang, that is a very complicated situation, friend. Sorry to hear all of that! I think if i ever found myself in a situation like that, it would be sort of an “all or nothing” approach:

Either A) throw out or extremely restrict all internet capable devices (if theyre needed for work) through the use of a blocking software where you can be the accountability person looking at the history or B) end the relationship despite the financial and legal complications.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@ImBroken I feel your pain, my man now ex is also a porn addict, I just wanted to send a quick message as I'm running out to pick up some food, but I will write more later. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone, we are here!

 

[GBS]

Hi @ImBroken - I am a 60 year old straight man. My advice is simple and sorry for the bluntness because I empathise massively (my wife is/was hurt hugely) - you have got to lay down the law as @Daybyday1988 says above and you have to have the guts to carry it out. If he digresses, you go. Sorry, can’t soft soap it any other way. You’re 55, not 85, you have so much to give and it CAN be him BUT he has to prove he loves you.

We all her have your back. I promise you that.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@ImBroken - you have to set boundaries, you have to be willing to stand up and say what you will and won't accept in your relationship and life.
I set a 3 month timeline in my head of when I wanted to see change, and when he continued to cross by boundaries, lie, keep secrets, then I made the hard call to walk away. It wasn't easy, but I do feel lighter not having to feel the burden of his issue. I know you don't want to see a Therapist, but it has helped me greatly to deal with the Betrayal Trauma and express my emotions. You may also find that more disclosures come as your Husband starts to unravel the extent of his behaviour, and you will need support to process that!

With regards to walking away from the life you have built together, before this last relationship with the porn addict, I walked away from a 17 year relationship, due to emotional neglect......on paper we had the perfect life, the house, the kids, the lifestyle, but behind the scenes I was dreadfully unhappy, which almost cost me my life (literally), I was so filled with pain and hurt about how could I be treated so badly. I struggled for a long time to deal with the feelings of guilt for dismantling our family, but over time that subsides. If you decide to walk away, you will rebuild your life, I promise you, we are still young, you still have time to find a gorgeous man that will cherish you, if that's what you decide.

These are the boundaries I set, you might find it helpful in setting your own:

For me to feel safe & secure in this relationship and to be able to rebuild trust I need the following:

A relationship full of connection, endearment, affection, sex & intimacy, fun and adventure.

For you to respect my need to have a healthy relationship without the consumption of pornography.

For you to disclose to me within 24 hours if you act out and consume pornography.

That you seek professional support and treatment on your journey to recover from your compulsion to consume pornography.

For you to understand that I will support you, but you are responsible for your own recovery and accountable for your triggers, and that I am responsible for my own recovery.

For you to respect that if you have sexual interaction with other woman I will not continue in this relationship.

 

[ImBroken]

I want to THANK all of you for your input and advice - it is sound - and makes sense to me. I understand the hard lines you mention - at the risk of sounding martyr-ish - We worked so long and hard for the right to marry as a same sex couple…I took those damned vows seriously and still do. Intellectually, i understand the sage advice you all provide - personally, I feel slighted in that he will work on his recovery - and I don’t get to live life…see what’s on the other side of the fence. Do trial separations work? I’m grasping at ropes of sand this morning…He’s a good man with a serious problem I don’t understand, nor do I really want to. Ugh. I’ll keep reading and listening. Please know, your outreach and support is a gift I cannot repay. Thank You.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@ImBroken you don’t need to make any decisions to stay or go, right away….. you are in shock at the moment. He’s the one that needs to be making decisions right away, fighting for the relationship, letting actions speak louder than words, making a recovery plan. Just take care of yourself at the moment, try not to feel like your life is on hold, which is easier said than done, as any of us that have lived this will feel like we got thrown into a giant washing machine and are stuck on the spin cycle.
Even if he goes into active recovery you can still chose to walk away, if that’s what you decide.
Why don’t you go away for a few days, stay with a friend, give yourself some space?

 

[noluck]

@ImBroken - you have to set boundaries, you have to be willing to stand up and say what you will and won't accept in your relationship and life.
I set a 3 month timeline in my head of when I wanted to see change, and when he continued to cross by boundaries, lie, keep secrets, then I made the hard call to walk away. It wasn't easy, but I do feel lighter not having to feel the burden of his issue. I know you don't want to see a Therapist, but it has helped me greatly to deal with the Betrayal Trauma and express my emotions. You may also find that more disclosures come as your Husband starts to unravel the extent of his behaviour, and you will need support to process that!

With regards to walking away from the life you have built together, before this last relationship with the porn addict, I walked away from a 17 year relationship, due to emotional neglect......on paper we had the perfect life, the house, the kids, the lifestyle, but behind the scenes I was dreadfully unhappy, which almost cost me my life (literally), I was so filled with pain and hurt about how could I be treated so badly. I struggled for a long time to deal with the feelings of guilt for dismantling our family, but over time that subsides. If you decide to walk away, you will rebuild your life, I promise you, we are still young, you still have time to find a gorgeous man that will cherish you, if that's what you decide.

These are the boundaries I set, you might find it helpful in setting your own:

For me to feel safe & secure in this relationship and to be able to rebuild trust I need the following:

A relationship full of connection, endearment, affection, sex & intimacy, fun and adventure.

For you to respect my need to have a healthy relationship without the consumption of pornography.

For you to disclose to me within 24 hours if you act out and consume pornography.

That you seek professional support and treatment on your journey to recover from your compulsion to consume pornography.

For you to understand that I will support you, but you are responsible for your own recovery and accountable for your triggers, and that I am responsible for my own recovery.

For you to respect that if you have sexual interaction with other woman I will not continue in this relationship.

Love these boundaries!!! You just did my homework for me LOL

 

[noluck]

Howdy folks. 55 year old gay man married to a porn/virtual sex addict. We’ve been together for 30 years. Married for 10. Outside looking in - perfect marriage, perfect farm, perfect executive careers, blah blah blah. We have not been intimate for over a decade. This was due to his “last problem” with pornography. I had hired a private investigator who found his online sex group and gave me thousands of pages of his online exploits. Fast forward to this past Monday. A package arrived for Him from Amazon. His name was misspelled and had a weird “middle name” - thought nothing of it. Come to find out the package is from a ”fan” - for the past two years, apparently my husband is “famous” as an online author of a deviant, fantasy porn game that has a global audience in the tens of thousands. The gift was a leather dog mask commonly found in popular S&M culture.
When confronted, he immediately confessed - begged forgiveness.
We basically live separately in the home for the past decade - originally written off due to sleep apnea and snoring.
Sexually, I assume, masturbation has gotten us through self-gratification.

I’m super torn. I got my sobriety from alcohol and drugs almost two years before meeting him. I have a level of compassion for all addicts - but this is a second big offense and I am really struggling. On one hand, I still know I am viable on the open market for partners…of all ages…never thought I‘d be approached more as a “Daddy” than when i was in my 20’s and thought I was “the shit“.

The struggle is not having my best friend anymore. Sad to say, but right now, his actions, some of what I read and even just looking at him disgusts me. He’s on an online Sex Addicts meeting right now and I feel relieved I don’t have to talk to him for an hour.

I know I can survive and find a semblance of happiness again - just the thought of divorce - it will be costly, multiple properties, shared assets, multiple dogs, farm animals, blah blah blah.

I have zero empathy for him and he expects none - he has begged to try to be better and begged me to stay. We had a talk this evening and I told him where my head is at.

1. Divorce - over - go our separate ways
2. Live together as friends - not much different from the past ten years - but date/explore intimacy with other people - but the marriage stays in tact in name only.
3. I’ll give him until New Year’s to get his shit together and then I’ll decide.

He immediately chose option 3 - which was not my first choice.

Recovery from this addiction is long and relapse heavy - porn is anonymous, so readily available and apparently the things he likes and writes about are not my cup of tea…and trust me, I am no prude. I’ve been the decision maker the entire relationship…I just don’t want to make this one. I’m the son of TWO (2) Psychiatrists and the brother to another Psychiatrist - therapy is really NOT my thing - I’ve had enough of it growing up. I do well in support groups and was thrilled to find this group.

I haven’t been personally happy for a long time - Its so fresh that my FLIGHT instincts are saying GET OUT without considering ramifications. I definitely DO NOT love him like I originally loved him. Trust has been shattered - he has accepted all blame. I watch porn occasionally to assist in getting off and now I feel like a hypocrite of sorts.

Sorry for rambling - this is so fresh - I do not really want to go through this all over again - I’m not yelling and screaming…I’m kind of resolute that its his problem to fix - I just don’t know if I can tough it out for another week - let alone 3 months. Any advice, experience (Gay or Straight or anything else) would be appreciated. I do not want to confide in friends and have them “feel sorry” for me - I also don’t think they should know the reason if we split. Ugh…now I am rambling. I can’t tell you how cathartic it is just to get this out of me in some form of expression. All I can offer is thanks. I feel less alone.

If you ever want to message—-feel free! It’s really comforting to see another gay man on this forum—and I’m sorry we have to go through it

For me, him recognizing there’s a problem and really putting in the work is enough…for now. I want to see this relationship through bc outside of this lil ugly addiction he is wonderful and the man of my dreams. I would be devastated if we broke up or if I had to make that decision but I will if I have to!!

Recovery is going to take a hot minute…but progress shouldn’t. I think you should set a timeframe for yourself of when you expect to see this ~progress. I believe that timing is different for everyone.

Just know that you deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. If he can’t provide that for you—someone out there will!

 

[ImBroken]

@noluck - Thanks so much and I will message you. I don’t know how long this “anger phase” is going to go on…its distracting…husband is trying his best - going to meetings, reading, abstaining - doing everything and its admirable. I just go from, I’m ok with seeing him and talking to him - to the other extreme - of having mini panic attacks at the thought of what he has done…I’m totally taking it personally as well. For 30 years we have told each other that we love each other…every day…This past week - he has continued to say it…I just can’t say it back…it gets stuck in my throat…I don’t know if I can love him like I used to - let alone say it. Ugh the anger is real…Promises broken, lies, lack of desire…is it worth it? The ebb and flow of emotions is exhausting and distracting from my career. I’m consciously skipping a business meeting right now because I am so frustrated and angry at him…I don’t think he has any idea the effect this has had on me. I go from wanting to “revenge cheat” on him - to telling him to get the F out of the house. Going on a biz trip this weekend - so hopefully some time away will cool my jets. Ugh….