Klaus Klausen
New Member
Hello, everyone,
I would like to use the forum here to document my way out of porn addiction.
Briefly about my career:
It started, as with many, in adolescence and continues to this day (38 years).
I watched movies far too often because that's normal. Everyone does that. I didn't see any problem myself.
Until I met a woman about a year ago.
Then the shock on the first night together: I can't get up.
She thinks it's her fault. i feel bad
But maybe it's just nervousness.
But it wasn't. It only works with oh and bang.
And now begins the part that, looking back, I can so badly bite my ass. Who caused me to hurt an incredibly great woman to the core. Because I didn't have the balls to be honest. Didn't have the willpower to control my urges. Not admitting to myself that I have a really big problem, I'm addicted to the quick kick. That broke a woman, destroyed her complete self-confidence. Made her doubt life
Well, I still hadn't made a connection between extensive porn viewing and my erection problems. Which led to the dumbest idea that only made things worse.
I ordered pills online.
Of course, without talking to her. I didn't have the guts. We've only been together for a few weeks.
With the mentioned pills it worked then. At least to some extent. The erection problems were completely gone. It even went into the opposite and I didn't want to get to the end.
If you stop reading now and think: Yes, great, that solves all the problems, please read on.
Because this is where the whole mess really started. And when I think back to what an asshole I was, I could kick my ass.
I kept watching movies. Even if I had figured out what excessive porn consumption was all about by now. But why skip the dopamine rush when I had the problem solved.
Of course, that was poison for our togetherness. Women have a sixth sense. And my partner felt that something was wrong. That I see her as an object, that we're not really close.
In the first few months we had a long-distance relationship in which my partner invested heavily. We often quarreled over silly little things. Today it is clear to me why this happened. If you're not honest, you can't have a relationship. We brought up the subject of porn fairly early on, and her take on it was clear. For them it was, or to the extent that I did it, absolutely not right.
I kept talking down everything. Because after the erection problem was resolved, everything was fine. But nothing was right.
A few of the things I've done with my partner.
- I've been traveling to relevant sites during our phone calls
- I indirectly called her ugly.
- I dismissed her as incompetent.
- I blamed her for our fights.
- I accused her of depression even though I hurt her.
- I kept lying about my porn use.
Thinking back on it, I can't understand why this woman kept giving me a chance. It's not logical and I'm incredibly grateful to her.
That was all before D Day. For us, that was the day she found the pills.
She thought it was hay fever tablets and then googled to bring me new hay fever tablets from the pharmacy.
What followed was a disclosure of everything that had happened in the last six months.
She told me: we can do it.
We informed ourselves about the topic together, I have an accountability app on my cell phone. (Which I don't mind).
We want to be absolutely honest with each other now.
This worked until I relapsed again. And again.
In between there were many sad and dark hours.
I've always thought, it's not as bad for me as it is in the cases with the sick fetishes, who just watch films all night long.
But now I realize I have a big problem:
It's not enough just to stay abstinent. I have to work on myself fundamentally.
It's not enough to serve 90 days or something like that. I have to see my problems from the ground up.
I hurt the person I mean the most in the world so incredibly.
And that's how I realized my real problem.
Here in the forum it seems to go often only about ED. But for me, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I wasn't honest, deliberately lying to take the path of least resistance.
In doing so, I not only degraded my partner, but also myself.
For me there is only one way now:
- Being brutally honest with my partner. (Because that's the person I really want to tell everything to) Even if it hurts and I've made a mistake again.
- Work on myself regularly (daily).
- Document my experiences (here) and use this as self-reflection.
- Talk to my partner about how we are feeling every day.
I really want to get out of this cycle.
More on that in the daily reports.
( I hope this text is understandable. Had to use google translate for english)
I would like to use the forum here to document my way out of porn addiction.
Briefly about my career:
It started, as with many, in adolescence and continues to this day (38 years).
I watched movies far too often because that's normal. Everyone does that. I didn't see any problem myself.
Until I met a woman about a year ago.
Then the shock on the first night together: I can't get up.
She thinks it's her fault. i feel bad
But maybe it's just nervousness.
But it wasn't. It only works with oh and bang.
And now begins the part that, looking back, I can so badly bite my ass. Who caused me to hurt an incredibly great woman to the core. Because I didn't have the balls to be honest. Didn't have the willpower to control my urges. Not admitting to myself that I have a really big problem, I'm addicted to the quick kick. That broke a woman, destroyed her complete self-confidence. Made her doubt life
Well, I still hadn't made a connection between extensive porn viewing and my erection problems. Which led to the dumbest idea that only made things worse.
I ordered pills online.
Of course, without talking to her. I didn't have the guts. We've only been together for a few weeks.
With the mentioned pills it worked then. At least to some extent. The erection problems were completely gone. It even went into the opposite and I didn't want to get to the end.
If you stop reading now and think: Yes, great, that solves all the problems, please read on.
Because this is where the whole mess really started. And when I think back to what an asshole I was, I could kick my ass.
I kept watching movies. Even if I had figured out what excessive porn consumption was all about by now. But why skip the dopamine rush when I had the problem solved.
Of course, that was poison for our togetherness. Women have a sixth sense. And my partner felt that something was wrong. That I see her as an object, that we're not really close.
In the first few months we had a long-distance relationship in which my partner invested heavily. We often quarreled over silly little things. Today it is clear to me why this happened. If you're not honest, you can't have a relationship. We brought up the subject of porn fairly early on, and her take on it was clear. For them it was, or to the extent that I did it, absolutely not right.
I kept talking down everything. Because after the erection problem was resolved, everything was fine. But nothing was right.
A few of the things I've done with my partner.
- I've been traveling to relevant sites during our phone calls
- I indirectly called her ugly.
- I dismissed her as incompetent.
- I blamed her for our fights.
- I accused her of depression even though I hurt her.
- I kept lying about my porn use.
Thinking back on it, I can't understand why this woman kept giving me a chance. It's not logical and I'm incredibly grateful to her.
That was all before D Day. For us, that was the day she found the pills.
She thought it was hay fever tablets and then googled to bring me new hay fever tablets from the pharmacy.
What followed was a disclosure of everything that had happened in the last six months.
She told me: we can do it.
We informed ourselves about the topic together, I have an accountability app on my cell phone. (Which I don't mind).
We want to be absolutely honest with each other now.
This worked until I relapsed again. And again.
In between there were many sad and dark hours.
I've always thought, it's not as bad for me as it is in the cases with the sick fetishes, who just watch films all night long.
But now I realize I have a big problem:
It's not enough just to stay abstinent. I have to work on myself fundamentally.
It's not enough to serve 90 days or something like that. I have to see my problems from the ground up.
I hurt the person I mean the most in the world so incredibly.
And that's how I realized my real problem.
Here in the forum it seems to go often only about ED. But for me, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I wasn't honest, deliberately lying to take the path of least resistance.
In doing so, I not only degraded my partner, but also myself.
For me there is only one way now:
- Being brutally honest with my partner. (Because that's the person I really want to tell everything to) Even if it hurts and I've made a mistake again.
- Work on myself regularly (daily).
- Document my experiences (here) and use this as self-reflection.
- Talk to my partner about how we are feeling every day.
I really want to get out of this cycle.
More on that in the daily reports.
( I hope this text is understandable. Had to use google translate for english)
