I just discovered that my husband is a porn addict. He has been all his live with me without even noticing…he has passed already from porn to take the time when I’m not home to look for prostitutes and visit places where they sell “erotic massages” and that totally crushed me. When I confronted hum, again lying and told me it was just curiosity and that he didn’t do anything. Lies, I have found that he look for it and visit places with prostites long time ago. It is so confusing because he is great and i thought we had a great relationship, that we were supposed to be real parthenrs. The idea of he having a hide life, porn based, prostitutes….make me feel horrible, I’m also afraid….I have heard that porn addiction led to violations, and other horrible stuff when people is looking to increase the “senses” and feel more. i feel lost, this is so confusing…
We have been together for 10 years. I feel bad, very bad, it is all pain and confusion and guilty too. What should I do? He is still denying that he has an addiction and that is normal, but he see it daily in morning and our sex life has 0 connection, plus he told me he is having problems to “feel” that he feels nothing having sex. I’m 34 years old, and I feel horrible, ugly, hopeless. I feel that is my fault not knowing this before but also because I’m not enough… Where to begin? How long this will take for him to recover? People really recover from this?he is completely hiding, how to solve this? I do not want lo leave him, but I’m lost, in a lot of pain in silence and totally depressed
Hi Candance88, I`m sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances, but here we are. Everything I am going to say is easy to say, but hard to believe and hard to live, but bear with me...please.
My husband and I have been married almost 26 years now. I found out by accident December 2021. So, I am fairly new to this myself. Thank God I had been in therapy on and off for years or I may have been worse off than I was and I was pretty crazy for a bit. It is crushing and devastating on every level possible. Unfortunately, more and more women are being brought into this club..
I am not an expert, just someone who is doing the best I know how through this. Maybe something(s) I did and felt can offer you help and/or encouragement and/or comfort.
I found online support on Facebook and here. There are betrayal trauma/ porn addicts wives groups and things like that. This forum has given me the most help though. I got some great connections here with people that can completely relate to my pain. It may not seem like it right now, but that is a huge help. I looked for help with groups and couceling in my area of trauma. Help for the spouses of P addicts can be very hard to come by. Hold tight to any good help you find. I then started reading a LOT of books to help me understand HIS issue and how I could heal from it. I read some amazing books that definitly saw me through.
My husband had for the most part, quit really having much to do with me about 8-9 years before it came out. That alone was crushing. Then to make it worse, he let me and led me to believe it was me. That I turned him off for one reason or another. That`s what they do. They aren`t good at accepting responsibility for their malfunction. You will find out that I don`t really coddle my husband and HIS issue. I am not and will not take any responsibility for what he has done. People say, "It`s not you. it really has nothing to do with you." That is so easy to say and for me, nearly impossible to believe. Afterall, I am the one that`s hurting, I`m the one that`s been neglected, abused, gaslighted, abandoned, not loved and so many other horrible things. Part of me knows that he was going to do all of that no matter who he was with or even if he wasn`t with anyone. He saw no reason to stop. "He wasn`t hurting anybody, it`s just a movie or whatever." As long as they are unwilling to accept that they have problem it won`t get better. That has to start with them, you however, you can start to heal and recover today! It really isn`t you, it is him. I`m sure you didn`t do anything that MADE him do anything. They are broken and they break us with their issue.
I got very lucky compared to some, my husband, for the most part had his eyes opened pretty quickly to HIS issue. He accidently told on himself in December 2021. Things were terrible and I was getting ready to leave. Jan 2022 was our 25th wedding anniversary, our silver anniversary! I was so devastated. That was supposed to be such a perfectly beautiful day and all it was was a very hollow, cold and lonely day. But the day passed and I was still alive and breathing. Remember that YOU are ALIVE!!!! Breath!! Do your best to take care of yourself!!! He has to sort out his own mess. Sorry, I got of track. In February 2022 my husband suggested marriage Counceling. We went to our first meeting and within 10 minutes she told my husband that he was an addict. It was confusing, neither of us had ever heard of it and didn`t have any understanding of it. But as we soon figured out, she was right. It was crushing and relieving for me at the same time. I now had a reason, an answer as to why my husband didn`t love me or want me.... It wasn`t me at all... It`s so hard to believe, but try, it`s true. Even with my husband finally seeing HIS issue it has been such a hard road and it will be for a while I would think, but with or without him, I will get better. Please do your best to think of yourself and to take care of yourself. The road to recovery is long and twisted. I asked the same questions you're asking now when it all came out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE and it does get better, but you have to help yourself get better. The men can`t help, at least not until they accept that they have a problem and even then, they cannot fix as much as they have broken. Most of that still falls on us.
I look in the mirror everyday and try to REALLY see myself. I am NOT any of those things that I was told or led to belive and neither are YOU.... I am a beautiful woman, made just the way I am. If me as I am isn`t good enough for him, he can go. I will continue to breath even if he isn`t here. I may not always believe what I say, but I compliment myself in the mirror everyday and everyday I believe it and see it more and more.
I just saw how long this is, sorry. With all that I have said, there is still so much more. Please try to believe what I`m about to say, YOU DIDN`T DO ANYTHING TO CAUSE THIS, IT`S NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANYWAY, HE IS BROKEN, NOT BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, IT DOES GET BETTER IN TIME, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO BREATH, YOU ARE ENOUGH, even if it isn`t for him, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Please, feel free to reach out anytime. I try to check here at least once a day. Take care of yourself the best you can, even if it`s only tiny steps to start with.
@Sammyjo Thank you for tagging me. I hope we can be of some help to her and anyone else that needs it. You have been a huge help for me. Having someone that understands my pain is a relief.
