Day 15
Today was relatively hard. I’ve been extremely horny and aching to watch porn. But there’s some positives and negatives . I’ll start with positives to make myself feel better. I have not PMO’d in 15 days. The longest I’ve gone on my own. I’ve been feeling some short lived libido for real sex with my partner. But not long enough to get over the fear I have of sex with my partner. I’ve hurt him and have tons of guilt trapped inside me that goes through my mind whenever we are intimate. My problem lies in porn and online sexting with strangers. I have not used these outlets in 15 days and have of course been in lack of a better term sexually frustrated. Recently my partner has told me that he has huge fears and resentment towards my actions that I’ve done with my last relapse. I used a term of endearment I only called him with online strangers. I feel horrible about that. And have feelings of remorse. But the addiction side of me is craving and pushes these feelings across like a feather in the wind. The only thing holding back the feelings to use are will power. Some days are easier than others. Way easier than other days it’s like I have a newborn baby holding back a mountain. It’s tough.
Now let’s get into the negatives,
I logged into one of these apps out of curiosity today. In a moment of weakness. I felt a moment of huge dopamine hit just being on there. I slipped. But I deleted all my accounts instead of logging out. I caught myself. But the guilt is still there. I’ve been feeling guilty for hurting my partner. And I need to come to terms with that. He said I should journal while I’m at work. I’m at work now and I’m journaling. This logging of my emotions really does do something for me. The only thing that keeps me from trying harder is the ammoubt of shame I have to face towards my addiction. It grosses me out. And my porn monster thinks the easiest thing to wipe everything away is just to use. I fear I’m not strong enough to shut him up. And forreal o don’t think I am. But I am strong enough to not lose my partner. We made boundaries.
His were
Mine were
That he doesn’t overindulge myself to where I used or not. That he trust ne enough to not ask me everyday
Today was another day I didn’t use. These victories feel small. But even if they do they take all my power to achieve
Today was relatively hard. I’ve been extremely horny and aching to watch porn. But there’s some positives and negatives . I’ll start with positives to make myself feel better. I have not PMO’d in 15 days. The longest I’ve gone on my own. I’ve been feeling some short lived libido for real sex with my partner. But not long enough to get over the fear I have of sex with my partner. I’ve hurt him and have tons of guilt trapped inside me that goes through my mind whenever we are intimate. My problem lies in porn and online sexting with strangers. I have not used these outlets in 15 days and have of course been in lack of a better term sexually frustrated. Recently my partner has told me that he has huge fears and resentment towards my actions that I’ve done with my last relapse. I used a term of endearment I only called him with online strangers. I feel horrible about that. And have feelings of remorse. But the addiction side of me is craving and pushes these feelings across like a feather in the wind. The only thing holding back the feelings to use are will power. Some days are easier than others. Way easier than other days it’s like I have a newborn baby holding back a mountain. It’s tough.
Now let’s get into the negatives,
I logged into one of these apps out of curiosity today. In a moment of weakness. I felt a moment of huge dopamine hit just being on there. I slipped. But I deleted all my accounts instead of logging out. I caught myself. But the guilt is still there. I’ve been feeling guilty for hurting my partner. And I need to come to terms with that. He said I should journal while I’m at work. I’m at work now and I’m journaling. This logging of my emotions really does do something for me. The only thing that keeps me from trying harder is the ammoubt of shame I have to face towards my addiction. It grosses me out. And my porn monster thinks the easiest thing to wipe everything away is just to use. I fear I’m not strong enough to shut him up. And forreal o don’t think I am. But I am strong enough to not lose my partner. We made boundaries.
His were
- To disclose to him in 24 hours if I use
- To be completely honest with him
- If I use again that he’ll have to let me go and that I understand him when he told me this
Mine were
That he doesn’t overindulge myself to where I used or not. That he trust ne enough to not ask me everyday
Today was another day I didn’t use. These victories feel small. But even if they do they take all my power to achieve