Advice Needed - Trial Separation?

[ImBroken]

All: On week three following “The P Addiction” reared its ugly head again. Yes, I freaked out/flipped out the instant I found out. But after that - I have brought no drama to the table. He is working his program, He is answering any/all of my questions - many of the answers I never wanted to hear. I do not feel like I am progressing. I am still angry, hurt, in disbelief and taking his actions VERY VERY personally…how can one not. I have been reading extensively on the addiction - the relapse rate and the sheer power of the addiction is mind numbing - I know the process will be long and I’m hoping he comes out of it. Right now though, after 30 solid years together - I‘m not really wishing that WE come out of it.
Has anyone here tried a trial separation? If so, has it worked? It has been so long since I have been alone (physically) - but far too long that I have been alone (mentally). We have discussed ending the marriage openly - I’m really in a place where I can move on. I just feel stuck. While he is working his program and recovery…I’m in a holding pattern with no guarantee of success. My love for him has changed. My trust in him is forever shaken…and with every discussion comes another “factoid about his addiction to P” that…cuts me like a knife. He does not want to split but he is at such a low and realizes he FUCKED this up - not that it was perfect beforehand - but it was a relationship.
I just returned from a weekend away - while in a couple hotels…I found myself missing our dogs…the farmhouse….sleeping in my own bed…BUT…I did not miss him.

I want to be happy again. I want to have great sex again and feel love, passion, wreckless abandon…If I sit in this hold pattern I will never know. I do not know what it is like to be single. I don’t have any idea what is out there that could contribute to happiness…could be a human…could be a museum. As my screen name states…I just feel so incredibly BROKEN…I don’t even know where to look for some glue to put the pieces back.

The tiniest of voices sometimes pops up that says, ”Stay, Wait and Evaluate”. Needless to say - he is doing a reboot which involves abstinence - which in turn puts me in a position of self-gratification - and the desire for the most part is ZERO.

I won’t get into the specifics - but his porn kink is way the hell out of my interest zone - some of it really Taboo and sickening to me (no DIVA here - but the stuff he fantasizes about / writes about is so foreign to me - zero interest on my part. Still…even looking at him - disgusts me - He’d still be doing it right now if he wasn’t found out. And I don’t think I can recover from “Why wasn’t I enough to STOP FOR”? Why did all the truth come out when he was caught and embarrassed. I just can’t get past that point…don’t think I ever will.

 

[Sammyjo]

We have not tried a separation. The thought of leaving has crossed my mind a few times and actually had packed a bag once.

My reason for needing to leave, first and foremost, aside from not watching P he was doing nothing to "fix his problem" and very little to help restore my trust. I wasn't convinced that he had stopped watching P, and felt his lack of working to fix the "us" part was indicative of many things (denial of the addiction, lack of real interest in me etc), I had developed an ulcer from the stress and worry, and I couldn't stand the constant heartache. (This was about a month ago, so 5 months after "D DAY".)

From my perspective, at 3 weeks out you are probably still in shock.

The tiniest of voices sometimes pops up that says, ”Stay, Wait and Evaluate”.

You mentioned you didn't miss him while you were away, and that he disgusts you.

Again, just my perspective (33 years married)...I'm pretty sure after this mess there isn't anything I don't know about my husband. When I put this mess out of my mind and think back to before I knew about it, there were plenty of things that made me want to stay married to him. We make a good team, we see eye to eye on most things, we have fun together.

So, for me, option A is stay and work, pray he doesn't run my heart over with a truck again and hope we end up with an even better marriage. Option B is try to find all the qualities I love about my husband in another man and HOPE he doesn't have the same hidden problem (or worse! I know a woman who was married to a serial killer for 6 years, now THAT would really F me up! - I think she is on marriage #8 now).

Only you can judge if what you had before all this is worth the effort to get it back.

That said, if you have that little voice saying "stay, wait and evaluate", at this point what do you really have to lose in doing that? Where as if you separate and change your mind, that's another "hole" that will need fixing.

If you stay, the waiting is hard, and you'll literally make yourself sick if you are in constant evaluation mode. Again, 3 weeks is early, but TRY to put it out of your head as much as you can, give him time to work his programs.

Good luck with your decision,
We're here for you!

 

[ImBroken]

@Sammyjo - THANK YOU for your wisdom and shared experience. I’m still so confused and hurting so bad. I do my best to try and put it out of my mind - but every time I get my phone, send an Email, power up my work Computer - I freeze. Then there are the “outta left field” WHAMMOS that hit…and I am like…HOW THE F CAN HE DO THIS TO ME AGAIN - And I do mean “do this to me” - I know its a sickness and an addiction - but he was given an ultimatum the first time - and now I feel like the schmuck who is not living, not progressing. I am staying close to these boards - reading everything and trying to gain many perspectives. I’ve started therapy and identified the things I just can’t get past - unfortunately, my husband doesn’t have ANY answers.

I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. It may not have been the marriage of the century but it was stable after his first fall from grace - I just don’t know if I WANT to do that work again…he never really got my trust back the first time…now he’s begging.

I grapple with the fact, had he not been caught - he would still be doing it at this moment. Suddenly he sees the light, the error of his ways, how “he f’d up the marriage and hurt me to my core” - I just wish he would have remembered those things before getting caught. Every illicit drug user knows they could go to jail if they are carrying illegal drugs. Every speeder on a highway knows they could get a ticket for going over the speed limit. Every person having an affair knows its grounds for losing in a divorce settlement. I’m tired of hearing rationales.

I’m sorry I am blabbering on. So many of you that I read from come from a place of forgiveness…I feel like a total SHIT for not having a forgiving heart. I find no joy in torturing him over what he has done…yet, I feel like I am being silently tortured or punished. Ack….one day at a time - but I think I know which way this is going to go…Is it selfish to want to be alone for some time…Is it selfish to be loved the way I want to be loved, even if it is with someone else. Thanks for reading, listening and responding…its a life line. If I make it through to the other side - I promise to give back and share my story. Thanks again,

 

[Tha]

eu me sinto tão incrivelmente QUEBRADO... eu nem sei onde procurar cola para colocar as peças de volta.

I absolutely share every word you wrote. I don't know if I'm the best person to talk about this because I carry the weight of this resentment screaming loud inside me still, so I thought a lot about writing to you in a lighter way.. I have as little time in this feeling as you, besides being young and not so much experienced in marriage. I come to these forums with the feeling that I have so much to learn and sometimes I feel like I can contribute little, but maybe my perspective can help you.

I didn't break up, although I think about it every day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I'm 29 years old, 2 years of relationship and unlike you, I don't have a past in this love where I want to go back, when things one day went right. I knew him already in that situation, in addiction. I didn't know why, but in those years I experienced the absence of real desire, I experienced rejection and the cruel weight of self-consciousness and low self-esteem. Changed my life, moved country, career transition to see myself in this position. So much sacrifice of my personal life believing in my partner. And then you might think: your life is just beginning, why put yourself in this situation? I think about it every day and the only answer I have for you is about love. Loving involves adjusting our lens to reality, seeking what is meaningful over what is convenient. This adjustment is very personal and each one puts the weights that fit in their life. When I clear my eyes of the fog of rancor, resentment, and selfishness, I see my partner with more compassion. Someone imperfect, but who has many other qualities in them, that make me where I am today. Demanding perfection from the other is hypocrisy, because we are also very imperfect... What we can demand is COMMITMENT to change what is not good, to accept and repair mistakes. Forgiving is a really difficult evolution exercise, but I believe that salvation passes through it (for our partners and especially for ourselves).

To get divorced is to look for imperfection elsewhere, without the guarantee of having the qualities and principles you admire. I've been single recently and there are a lot of nice people out there, it's true, but there's little commitment. Loving and building a relationship is sacrificing, whether you've been married 2 or 30 years.

So my advice, and this is what I've been doing is... Time. Wait for time and your therapy to clear your lenses to reality. You need to weigh your partner's strengths and problems in a fair way and not be biased by rancor and resentment. If with a clean look you realize that there is no commitment on his part, you don't feel loved even with his real effort and that suddenly what got you into this 30 year journey is no more, then go live your life no regrets. You've honestly done your part and seen that there really isn't anything meaningful anymore.

Just be sure to take care of yourself in this process. Be kind to yourself. Focus on what's in your control. Let him work to fix it while you do something for you too. I have set personal limits on this journey, as far as I am willing to go, in time to observe changes and results and in personal effort. Packing up and leaving (without looking back, with a clear conscience) is an option if he doesn't really commit to it and if the results don't come (which is bound to happen if he's not cheating).

As you've seen, I don't have a past to go back to, but I do have a future. He is what I thought was the love of my life, my family (obviously, today I SEE him differently, but the purpose is there). So, justifying the marking I made here of your speech, maybe the glue to put all these broken pieces of us together is... love.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Is it selfish to want to be alone for some time…Is it selfish to be loved the way I want to be loved, even if it is with someone else

It’s selfless, not selfish to want those things @ImBroken, I know I want them too.
My man & I didn’t do the trial separation, I decided to walk away, after he continued to cross my boundaries and wasn’t doing active recovery at that stage, and after 2 1/2 years of breaking up and getting back together, because of this issue, I’d had enough.
I have felt everything, your feeling and still do, it doesn’t disappear because you leave.
I get that the waiting is awful, that constant churring in your gut, thinking about the way you’ve been unfairly treated, can you trust them again, love them still, will the relationship survive this, can they recover…. I totally understand all of that.
I think the best advice I can give you if your prepared to stay, wait and evaluate, then really use the time to work on yourself, do the things you really want to do with your life, it will put you in a better place if you decided to stay or go!
My man (ex) text me yesterday out of the blue to see how my holiday was going, so he still wants to reach for me in some way, and maybe now that he’s seeing a therapist and attempting to make a recovery plan, he might find his way back to me…… but is that reality or fantasy!!!!
I’m not sure this would of helped, but your not alone, I get it, I see your pain

 

[Gracie]

I just want to say forgiving was not the linchpin of me working through this. It was slogging through, self blaming, not keeping the pain in but letting him see the pain. Talking about the pain, letting him look at me like sheesh not again. Even now since I am more self assured I will talk about things. Not big ones. It was the working through it together. I have never said I forgive you. He earned my trust. And I am very clear with boundaries. Our marriage is great. But he brought me to the lowest point in my life and said really not nice things. It is through his change we move forward.

 

[ImBroken]

Its 11:16am - I just got off a Zoom and have another one in 15 minutes. I read all of your responses…and I just had an “ugly cry” - To all of you - THANK YOU. Suddenly I don’t feel all alone…whatever it was exactly that you shared - I can’t say - but I have not had a 15 minute cathartic cry in probably 20 years. I don’t have any clear answers…I guess I don’t need them RIGHT NOW. The common thread I am hearing from all of you is TIME- I think I am worth it enough to wait through some time. My cynicism is a constant - so TRUST I have to place a little lower as a deciding factor. Love, my therapist told me - SHOULD CHANGE on a daily basis - up/down - highs/lows - if it doesn’t - someone is fooling themselves - but a human’s desire to be loved is ever present. For today, this moment, I feel so much better simply because YOU have shared. I’m sending all of you a hug - you stopped a mental spiral downward…instant gratification and solutions are NOT on the table…I need to make TIME my ally. I hope my sincerity comes through here - you are my heroes - I feel so less alone in this trauma - I have nowhere else to turn. All of my Thanks.

 

[Gracie]

You’re welcome @ImBroken ! Always we are available for vents, thoughts, successes, not successes. We all learn from one another. And our paths and partners are very diverse which makes this all rich with ideas!