Enough is enough

Galatians51

Active Member
I never wanted to look at porn. When I was a kid (I don't remember how old, probably around 5th or 6th grade) I was riding the bus to school when some kid (who was a couple years younger than me) took a nude magazine and was showing it to other kids on the bus. I didn't even know what he was doing, he just walked up and put it in front of me, I looked away immediately but it wasn't before I saw what was on the page. That was the beginning of a long, hated, battle with porn.

I'm 34 now, and I have had enough of porn in my life, that's why I joined this group. I've been reading the posts on this forum and have been encouraged by what others have written. I think for me to really take quitting seriously, I have to be public about it, have some accountability, so that's why I'm here. I'll share more of my story in the days ahead, but for me just taking this first step of writing publicly about this is a pretty big deal for me. So today I'll keep it brief.

I'm on day 5 of no PMO
 

Carl_Smith

Active Member
My teenage son is going to start taking the bus next year... I was already worried about that exact scenario you mentioned. (except with phones and video). Live free man, I can tell you it can be done...
 

Galatians51

Active Member
@Carl_Smith Thanks for your comment.

I think for me I felt so embarrassed or ashamed of having seen that photo that I never told anybody about it, and back then nobody was really suspicious of a group of 8-10 year old boys having nude photos on a school bus, so nobody ever talked about or prepared me for how to handle that. I'm not sure if it would have changed things for me, but perhaps if I had talked about it with my parents that would have helped me.

I don't know what the solution is for today's kids, technology makes access so easy, and even if your kids don't have access to that technology - other kids around them probably will. My kids are homeschooled, I know that isn't an option for everyone, but I feel like I have to do whatever is necessary to protect our kids.

All the best to you, I hope you figure things out for your son.
 
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Sammyjo

Active Member
My teenage son is going to start taking the bus next year... I was already worried about that exact scenario you mentioned. (except with phones and video). Live free man, I can tell you it can be done...
Welcome @Galatians51, sorry for the brief hijack of your thread.

@Carl_Smith Have you talked to him about P addiction? I'm sure it could be a difficult subject to broach, but I can tell you that the horrors of drug addiction with a couple of relatives kept my sons away from both drugs and alcohol.

Best of luck men.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Hi @Galatians51 I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story over the next while and welcome to the forum.

@Carl_Smith I have had quite open conversations with my two kids who are 7 & 11 about Pornography and the harmful affects. We have always talked about sexuality from a young age, so it was a pretty easy transition into that conversation. I also bought a book called good pictures bad pictures, which also gave me a reference for discussion.
I think we all need to just start talking about this more......gosh if the walls could talk at our house:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

Galatians51

Active Member
day 6

Had some crazy dreams last night, some innocent, some not so innocent, I don't even remember what they were, I just remember waking up feeling somewhat guilty. Crazy how dreams can be like that - when they aren't even our choice. Sometimes dreams have messed me up in the past, waking up feeling like that.

I've made some drastic decisions lately to help me quit pmo. I got rid of my smart phone and replaced it with a dumb phone that has no internet access, or images. Some people look at my phone and think it's crazy, other people think it's the coolest thing ever... it's definitely taking some adjusting. I thought that would fix things but then I found myself using a tablet that I use mostly for work. So I decided i'm going to leave my tablet at work and never bring it home. So at home I currently have no technology that gives me access to p. I'm trying to make it as difficult as possible for myself to slip up. Some of these steps probably sound extreme, but who cares, I never want to go back to using p. Sometimes I wish I lived in simpler times, before all this stuff even existed, I can't imagine people hundreds of years ago people getting their jollies off to a painting or a statue - most people didn't even have that kind of stuff. But hey, without a functioning time machine that's all moot anyway, just have to do what I have to do to stay clean.

Anyway, those changes are helping me stay clean, and that's what brought me to day 6 today. I think writing on this forum, and having the extra public accountability is really going to help me as well.

Day 6 isn't really anything new or special to me. I've always believed that looking at p. was wrong, and as such i've always been trying to quit. I regularly quit for 1-3 weeks at a time before messing up. Typically if I mess up once, I do for a couple more times before "quitting" again. I think the longest stretch that I have been was like 4-6 months. I never tracked my progress though so I'm not sure of the exact timeframe.

I read this article on ybop that is giving me some new information, information that I don't like, but have to come to terms with... I guess that type of regular "on and off again" usage in some ways could be more detrimental that constant use. Maybe that has contributed to why I have been failing at quitting for so many years. I'll add that article here in case anybody is interested.


Aside from the technology changes that I've made this time around, I also started researching how to quit this stuff. I've been trying to quit for years, and always relying on my will power to quit, which has sometimes worked longer than other times, but ultimately has failed me for about 20 years. I never read any information about the subject, because I always was thoroughly grossed out and ashamed of this habit that I never really wanted to admit that I need help. For some reason the last time I messed up (6 days ago) something just really clicked in me, that I need to stop doing what I've always done to quit, and start doing more. That led me to search online how to quit p. and I found ybop and eventually this forum. I think reading all the articles of how this addiction works, how our brains react to it, the stories of other rebooters have succeeded, has given me a new resolve, and some "ammunition" to really be able to put this habit behind me.

Well I wrote more than I planned to today.

Stay strong
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Welcome @Galatians51, this forum is a great place to help you out.

Galatians 5:1 is a beautiful quote, and a great inspiration for the new man you're aiming to be.

Let us cast off this slavery and be eternally free!

Best
 

Galatians51

Active Member
Welcome @Galatians51, this forum is a great place to help you out.

Galatians 5:1 is a beautiful quote, and a great inspiration for the new man you're aiming to be.

Let us cast off this slavery and be eternally free!

Best

Thank you, your posts and streak have encouraged me.

I agree, I felt it was as very fitting scripture for my goal, it's cool that you noticed that.
 

Galatians51

Active Member
Day 7

Going back to where I left off on my first post... As I said I was just a young kid the first time I saw a nude image. But I didn't start looking at porn until years later. I'm not sure if seeing that picture is the reason that when I was a teenager I was drawn to porn, or if it was totally unrelated, but the fact that I remember that day so clearly makes me think it might have been a factor.

I was 15 years old on vacation in europe, and the stuff they put on cable tv over there was a lot worse than what is allowed in the U.S. even back in the early 2000's. It was actually on fashion shows that were on the tv and the models would just walk as if nothing unusual was happening meanwhile there was a lot of exposure, seeing that brought this huge curiosity and desire. And when my family wasn't around I would go to the tv and find stuff like that just hoping for a glimpse.

Eventually I lived in europe as a teenager, and thats when things got much worse for me. For the first time I had my own laptop, as well as a tv in my room. On tv late at night there were nude shows, literally on just regular cable tv. So this was when I started looking at that stuff and started MO on a regular basis. Every time the guilt and shame would be overwhelming so I wouldn't do it again for days, sometimes weeks, but eventually I would go back and look again.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm a Christian and have been since I was a kid, or if it's because of the way my parents raised me... But I always knew porn was wrong. I didn't know the detrimental side affects or how addicting it was, but I knew that it was wrong. Sometimes I would hear my friends at school talk about it as it was totally normal and ok to look at, I never felt that way.

Maybe it's because of this that I never watched porn in the way that most people have (at least from what I have been reading on these forums). I never watched people having sex, I only ever looked at nude images or videos. Sometimes from searching for nude images I would see sex images but I would always look away and search for something else.

Also as I mentioned before, because I never though porn was ok, I was always trying to quit. So I would regularly go from 1-3 weeks without looking at any and no MO, and sometimes longer, up to months at a time. My guess is because of this, I never experienced any physical problems in the nether regions. From what I am reading on these forums, it sounds like physical symptoms are what cause a lot of guys to realize there's a problem with porn and want to quit because of that.

Maybe because I never experienced any physical problems, or really dove deep into porn, that I haven't been able to quit, I didn't have enough motivation because I didn't see the problem as threatening as it is, or as it can be.

I think because I would view nude images with large time gaps in-between, it enabled me to get the dopamine rush that my brain wanted, without needing to view more intense stuff. After PMO 2-3 times from viewing images, I wouldn't want to see them anymore, or the shame was so intense that I wouldn't look at them anymore, only to repeat the cycle again a week or two later.

For me as a Christian, I view porn as sinful. Which makes looking at any porn, even just nude images, extremely shameful for me. I feel totally defeated and shameful any time I have looked at it and MO'd to it.

I viewed porn addiction as more of a spiritual problem than a physical one. I'm not saying there isn't a spiritual element to it (I definitely believe there is), but I never really looked into the physical side of things. Meaning how our brain works, the dopamine that our addiction craves. The way our Limbic system works. Studying this stuff over the last week has really helped me to see how this addiction works in our brains. Also the way our brain can "heal" itself from those addictive patterns that we have created over time. I think that all this information is what I needed to not just rely on the spiritual aspect to defeat this habit.

I now know how detrimental this habit can become when you really give in to it... and I don't want to get to that point.

So I'm at a week of no PMO, and as comforting as that might be, it's really not that great for me. I'll feel better once I'm at a 90 days, then 6 months, then a year. For me it will be in the next couple weeks that I will really have to be careful around any temptations. However I'm not watching any tv or movies, I don't have a smart phone or tablet... just my computer at work, so hopefully with those things considered... on top of the research i've been doing and posting on here, this will be what I need to finally kick this habit once and for all.

I feel as if my story is a little bit different than most people on here, but hopefully it helps somebody.
 
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Galatians51

Active Member
day 9

Was using facebook for work yesterday and saw some dumb add that may have tripped me up in the past. Thankfully it didn't phase me this time, but it's making me think about how annoying the system/culture/world is when it comes to this stuff. It's like the system is rigged against you, especially when it comes to sexual stuff. It's always being put in your face, tv, social media, billboards... anywhere somebody can put something that people will see it. I don't think I could become more of a hermit than I already am (technologically speaking) without actually moving to a cave in the mountains... and yet there's still stuff like that ad that slips through the cracks.

Done with my rant. I'm actually doing really good, looking forward to double digits tomorrow, then only 90 more days for triple digits.

Have a great day.
 

Galatians51

Active Member
Day 10

It seems like it's been a lot longer than 10 days. Maybe tracking the days makes it feel that way, since i'm actually thinking about what i'm doing now in regards to quitting.

Last night I woke up at 3am, had some urges and not that I actually was going to look at something - but having no technology in the house capable of doing so makes it that much easier to go right back to sleep.

I'll be really excited when I can put another 0 behind my streak.
 

Galatians51

Active Member
Day 11

I've been at this point so many times, I start to feel invincible, like I'll never look at p again. Maybe that's been the reason I have slipped up so many times around this point. At this point I start to feel like pmo is thing of the past, is that even something I ever did? I think because of this feeling I would start to let my guard down, maybe browse some youtube videos, watch movies with triggers in it... and for a while, maybe even a few days of being a little less careful i'm ok, but eventually a trigger hits and I slip back and relapse for a day or two, then repeat the cycle. That cycle has been going for years.

I'm just writing this here to remind myself today. Day 11 feels great, but i'm not invincible, I can't loosen the grip on the steering wheel that keeps me moving straight ahead. The moment I start to get careless is the path back to pmo. And any time i have gone back to pmo, i feel like a complete piece of garbage and a fraud.

That's exactly how I felt 11 days ago. Typically after 1 or 2 days after pmo I still feel like garbage because of it, but I at least feel like i'm coming out of it and am extremely vigilant to be careful to avoid triggers, or to respond to them better. It's almost as if I wish that feeling would stay with me - that feeling of I have to run from this dangerous situation to get to safety... because once I get to safety, I can let my guard down and relax a bit.

I'm writing this to remind myself that despite the safety I'm starting to feel, danger lurks all around me. I have to stay vigilant.


Thank you all that have been commenting or liking my posts, it really helps knowing I'm not alone in this.
 
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