Day 7
Going back to where I left off on my first post... As I said I was just a young kid the first time I saw a nude image. But I didn't start looking at porn until years later. I'm not sure if seeing that picture is the reason that when I was a teenager I was drawn to porn, or if it was totally unrelated, but the fact that I remember that day so clearly makes me think it might have been a factor.
I was 15 years old on vacation in europe, and the stuff they put on cable tv over there was a lot worse than what is allowed in the U.S. even back in the early 2000's. It was actually on fashion shows that were on the tv and the models would just walk as if nothing unusual was happening meanwhile there was a lot of exposure, seeing that brought this huge curiosity and desire. And when my family wasn't around I would go to the tv and find stuff like that just hoping for a glimpse.
Eventually I lived in europe as a teenager, and thats when things got much worse for me. For the first time I had my own laptop, as well as a tv in my room. On tv late at night there were nude shows, literally on just regular cable tv. So this was when I started looking at that stuff and started MO on a regular basis. Every time the guilt and shame would be overwhelming so I wouldn't do it again for days, sometimes weeks, but eventually I would go back and look again.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm a Christian and have been since I was a kid, or if it's because of the way my parents raised me... But I always knew porn was wrong. I didn't know the detrimental side affects or how addicting it was, but I knew that it was wrong. Sometimes I would hear my friends at school talk about it as it was totally normal and ok to look at, I never felt that way.
Maybe it's because of this that I never watched porn in the way that most people have (at least from what I have been reading on these forums). I never watched people having sex, I only ever looked at nude images or videos. Sometimes from searching for nude images I would see sex images but I would always look away and search for something else.
Also as I mentioned before, because I never though porn was ok, I was always trying to quit. So I would regularly go from 1-3 weeks without looking at any and no MO, and sometimes longer, up to months at a time. My guess is because of this, I never experienced any physical problems in the nether regions. From what I am reading on these forums, it sounds like physical symptoms are what cause a lot of guys to realize there's a problem with porn and want to quit because of that.
Maybe because I never experienced any physical problems, or really dove deep into porn, that I haven't been able to quit, I didn't have enough motivation because I didn't see the problem as threatening as it is, or as it can be.
I think because I would view nude images with large time gaps in-between, it enabled me to get the dopamine rush that my brain wanted, without needing to view more intense stuff. After PMO 2-3 times from viewing images, I wouldn't want to see them anymore, or the shame was so intense that I wouldn't look at them anymore, only to repeat the cycle again a week or two later.
For me as a Christian, I view porn as sinful. Which makes looking at any porn, even just nude images, extremely shameful for me. I feel totally defeated and shameful any time I have looked at it and MO'd to it.
I viewed porn addiction as more of a spiritual problem than a physical one. I'm not saying there isn't a spiritual element to it (I definitely believe there is), but I never really looked into the physical side of things. Meaning how our brain works, the dopamine that our addiction craves. The way our Limbic system works. Studying this stuff over the last week has really helped me to see how this addiction works in our brains. Also the way our brain can "heal" itself from those addictive patterns that we have created over time. I think that all this information is what I needed to not just rely on the spiritual aspect to defeat this habit.
I now know how detrimental this habit can become when you really give in to it... and I don't want to get to that point.
So I'm at a week of no PMO, and as comforting as that might be, it's really not that great for me. I'll feel better once I'm at a 90 days, then 6 months, then a year. For me it will be in the next couple weeks that I will really have to be careful around any temptations. However I'm not watching any tv or movies, I don't have a smart phone or tablet... just my computer at work, so hopefully with those things considered... on top of the research i've been doing and posting on here, this will be what I need to finally kick this habit once and for all.
I feel as if my story is a little bit different than most people on here, but hopefully it helps somebody.
