Enough is enough
- Thread starter Galatians51
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Galatians51
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Galatians51
Active Member
day 70 - 10 weeks
10 weeks seems like such a long time and short time all at once. I still remember how terrible it feels after a few rounds of pmo, but the memory feels so distant that I don't even feel like it was me that did that.
I feel totally different than I did at the start of this reboot - so much better, and hopeful that I can actually defeat this habit once and for all.
I think one of the biggest differences of this reboot vs. my previous attempts is that I am not letting myself get a false sense of security. I'm going to keep doing what I have been doing, and not allowing myself to feel responsible enough to use technology or consume content that would inevitably result in me relapsing.
stay vigilant!
10 weeks seems like such a long time and short time all at once. I still remember how terrible it feels after a few rounds of pmo, but the memory feels so distant that I don't even feel like it was me that did that.
I feel totally different than I did at the start of this reboot - so much better, and hopeful that I can actually defeat this habit once and for all.
I think one of the biggest differences of this reboot vs. my previous attempts is that I am not letting myself get a false sense of security. I'm going to keep doing what I have been doing, and not allowing myself to feel responsible enough to use technology or consume content that would inevitably result in me relapsing.
stay vigilant!
Blondie
Respected Member
You're doing great, so happy for you. I hear what you mean about staying vigilant. I use to be sad about that fact and asked myself, "do I really have to constantly be on guard?" Now I'm okay with that fact. Obviously, the further you get on with your recovery, you can relax more and more, but it's not a chore to NOT be looking at porn, in fact, it's a pleasure.
Best.
Best.
Galatians51
Active Member
Thanks!
That's great to hear. Being on day 438 makes me wonder if you feel like the habit is behind you for good? I know anyone can slip up if they get careless.
Do you feel like being part of this community is necessary for you now, or do you do it to help others?
What do you mean by you can relax more and more?... in the past I would get triggered by a movie scene, or a scandalous photo or ad on social media or whatever... do those things not really bother you anymore?
sorry for all the questions, just curious what it feels like where you are at.
Blondie
Respected Member
I do think it's behind me yes. I'm sure as hell giving it my all. However, I did relapse once after 500 something days a few years back, so I know all too well what it feels like to get complacent on this journey. It's a mind blow to return to something you hate.
When I said you can relax a bit the further you go along, what I meant was, a lot of that sexual noise that's going on in our heads, starts to dissipate after a while. Thank God for that! Thus, at least for me, I don't have to be quite so vigilant concerning certain things. The thing for me is, what is okay one day, depending on my mental state, may not be on another day. If I'm really feeling down, like say before I relapsed a few years ago, then I really need to be on my guard, because my mind is screaming to take a look to forget my problems momentarily. Three weeks before I relapsed when I was feeling really down about life, I saw a picture by chance on the internet that just blew me away. I stopped to look at it in ways I hadn't looked at a picture for almost a year and half; however, I told myself it wasn't porn (it wasn't) so it was okay. Unfortunately, I kept coming back to it, and three weeks later, I finally succumbed to porn. My point is, during that 500 something day span, I had actually come upon porn at least twice by accident, and it didn't affect me whatsoever. However, since I was in a bad mental state, just seeing a random innocent picture slowly got to me, and I eventually gave in. But to be clear, it wasn't seeing the picture itself that got me, what got me was NOT recognizing my mental state and being honest enough with myself to admit I was treading in dangerous territory. So yes, being vigilant about what we see is very important, and obviously we shouldn't be looking around for dumb shit (we are grown up men now), however, as you go on in this journey, it's okay to not be so strict on some things. However, the real important thing is just to know yourself, and be honest with how you're feeling at the moment. At least for me that helps.
Sometimes the fear of triggers is worse than the triggers themselves.
Best brother
Blondie
When I said you can relax a bit the further you go along, what I meant was, a lot of that sexual noise that's going on in our heads, starts to dissipate after a while. Thank God for that! Thus, at least for me, I don't have to be quite so vigilant concerning certain things. The thing for me is, what is okay one day, depending on my mental state, may not be on another day. If I'm really feeling down, like say before I relapsed a few years ago, then I really need to be on my guard, because my mind is screaming to take a look to forget my problems momentarily. Three weeks before I relapsed when I was feeling really down about life, I saw a picture by chance on the internet that just blew me away. I stopped to look at it in ways I hadn't looked at a picture for almost a year and half; however, I told myself it wasn't porn (it wasn't) so it was okay. Unfortunately, I kept coming back to it, and three weeks later, I finally succumbed to porn. My point is, during that 500 something day span, I had actually come upon porn at least twice by accident, and it didn't affect me whatsoever. However, since I was in a bad mental state, just seeing a random innocent picture slowly got to me, and I eventually gave in. But to be clear, it wasn't seeing the picture itself that got me, what got me was NOT recognizing my mental state and being honest enough with myself to admit I was treading in dangerous territory. So yes, being vigilant about what we see is very important, and obviously we shouldn't be looking around for dumb shit (we are grown up men now), however, as you go on in this journey, it's okay to not be so strict on some things. However, the real important thing is just to know yourself, and be honest with how you're feeling at the moment. At least for me that helps.
Sure, but I just look away, or just laugh and try not to care. But yes, they don't bother me as much anymore. Eventually, we want to get to a place where we don't have to hide from the world, and all of its nonsense, i.e. triggers. Yes I see those billboards or movies (though I'm still pretty careful about those) but I just look away or remind myself that it's not real, and I want real, and a real girl is sitting right beside me.
Sometimes the fear of triggers is worse than the triggers themselves.
This community is definitely helped me this last time for sure. This place is a great asset in everyway. I do it both for myself and to help others. It's good for me to keep posting my numbers and thoughts, though I will be slowly doing less and less as time goes on. The big day for me will be when I pass my longest streak of 500 something days (The same one I mentioned) and then I'll move on to two years. I imagine I'll be mostly healed for the most part when I arrive there.
No apologies needed.
Best brother
Blondie
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Galatians51
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KetchupDrool
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Congratulations brother on success!
Galatians51
Active Member
day 77 - 11 weeks - no pmo no mo
@KetchupDrool thanks!
Well it's been a busy week for me, which is great, keeps my mind occupied. However, speaking of my mind, this week I found thoughts coming into my mind about another lady, which is odd, I'm happily married and never think about anybody besides my wife. Maybe it's because when I was looking at porn my mind was occupied with those "ladies" but now that I haven't given it that outlet it's looking for something else... not sure, that's just a complete guess, I'm just trying to rationalize why all of the sudden i'm getting thoughts like that. I dismiss those thoughts just like I do if I face a trigger or urge to look at porn... but still, it's annoying that I even have those thoughts. Sometimes I feel guilty when a disturbing thought like that pops in my mind, but I remind myself that as long as I don't dwell on the thought there's no shame in it - not all thoughts are my own, or at least they aren't until I accept them and meditate on them. So i dismiss them and then move on. I heard somebody say "thoughts are like birds, you can't stop them from flying overhead, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair"... i like the idea behind that.
As for porn, I feel like those thoughts have retreated into the back of my mind, having been thoroughly defeated in battle... though they are probably trying to get some reinforcements to stage another attack when I have a weak moment. So I am staying vigilant, keeping my guard up, staying away from technology and triggers, and building my relationship with my wife. Everyday the urge for porn gets weaker as I starve it to death.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well with your reboot - keep resisting - stay vigilant.
@KetchupDrool thanks!
Well it's been a busy week for me, which is great, keeps my mind occupied. However, speaking of my mind, this week I found thoughts coming into my mind about another lady, which is odd, I'm happily married and never think about anybody besides my wife. Maybe it's because when I was looking at porn my mind was occupied with those "ladies" but now that I haven't given it that outlet it's looking for something else... not sure, that's just a complete guess, I'm just trying to rationalize why all of the sudden i'm getting thoughts like that. I dismiss those thoughts just like I do if I face a trigger or urge to look at porn... but still, it's annoying that I even have those thoughts. Sometimes I feel guilty when a disturbing thought like that pops in my mind, but I remind myself that as long as I don't dwell on the thought there's no shame in it - not all thoughts are my own, or at least they aren't until I accept them and meditate on them. So i dismiss them and then move on. I heard somebody say "thoughts are like birds, you can't stop them from flying overhead, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair"... i like the idea behind that.
As for porn, I feel like those thoughts have retreated into the back of my mind, having been thoroughly defeated in battle... though they are probably trying to get some reinforcements to stage another attack when I have a weak moment. So I am staying vigilant, keeping my guard up, staying away from technology and triggers, and building my relationship with my wife. Everyday the urge for porn gets weaker as I starve it to death.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well with your reboot - keep resisting - stay vigilant.
Blondie
Respected Member
I think this is pretty common in general, I would try not to feel too much shame about it, and just let the thought pass you by as you said. I think it's natural for us men to notice women, however, it's what we do with those thoughts, that determines what kind of men we want to be in the end.
Great quote by the way, I really like that.
Have a good porn-free weekend sir.
Galatians51
Active Member
I agree - thoughts about another woman aren't new to me, but normally they are super easy to dismiss and are typically about people i don't know, like a pretty lady at the checkout lane. This situation was about a close friend, and the thought kept coming back... that's why it was frustrating me. Either way, it's the same process to get rid of the thought, and in my rational mind I know how ridiculous it would be to actually act on any of those impulsive thoughts, so I would never go through with any of them... it's more just annoying to have had those thoughts, if that makes sense.
anyway, you have a great porn-free weekend as well, and thanks for the comment.
Galatians51
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Day 78
jackinabox
Member
You got this, have a great day!