Seems like I've face more triggers than usual lately, thoughts coming into my mind from nowhere to look at porn, it's still been relatively easy to dismiss them... I'm just surprised that they have come now more frequently than they have over previous month. I guess I figured the longer you go without looking at porn the less the thoughts would come, maybe one day that will be the case but until then, I will stay extra vigilant.
Woke up this morning from a crazy dream of me and a bunch of women in a pool, and well - you can probably figure out the rest, definitely created an urge to pmo but that's not going to happen. If anybody finds the fix for keeping dreams away, let me know.
At the start of this reboot 100 days seemed like it was so far away, I wondered if I could make it. If you are reading this just starting out wondering if you can make it to day 100, you totally can! You just have to commit 100% to it, because your brain will try to trip you up as much as it can. It's not just your brain though, it's our culture, if you aren't careful, every where you look you'll face a trigger. That's why you have to be careful, don't browse website or social media where content is known to cause you to pmo. Don't sleep next to your phone (if that's an issue), put it in another room. I literally bought a phone with no internet and a watch with a vibration alarm (i needed to replace my apple watch which had a vibrate alarm - works perfect for not waking my wife up) to wake me up in the morning. I stopped watching TV and movies (aside from a few family friendly movies over the holidays). I went to some extremes to protect myself from being drawn back into viewing porn because I knew that if I didn't give it everything that I wouldn't be able to make it.
No sacrifice that you make to be free of this habit is too great - do whatever it takes!
The temptations are still there. Just yesterday (probably because of the crazy dream I woke up from) a thought came to me in the middle of the day "wouldn't it feel great to look at porn again and MO"... and I admitted to myself, yes it would feel great, at least for a few moments, my brain would get that heavy dose of dopamine that I trained it to crave. But I know i'd feel like a fraud, a failure, like complete garbage, and that I'd want to do it again and again, until I felt totally worthless. After a moment, the thoughts faded away and I moved on with my day.
Over the last 100 days a lot has changed in me. My emotions have leveled off, I have much more respect for myself and for women, my sex life with my wife has gotten way better, and I just feel better overall because I know that I'm doing something important, that will help me for the rest of my life. I would so much rather keep all these things then go back to getting that one momentary high with a massive crash after it's through.
I know I don't write that much on my journal, but just being accountable on here, even if it's just my daily number update, and reading a few posts on here, has all been very helpful - so thank you all for helping me reach 100.
I hope you all keep moving forward, one day at a time, porn free.
Yesterday I went on a facebook a couple times and I can't believe what kind of crap is allowed on there. First of all, I went on there to check facebook marketplace for a couple items I'm trying to purchase, not to browse through the stuff people post.
First, when I logged in, the first thing that I saw, at the top of my feed in the stories section is a picture of a topless women, the only part of her top that was covered was her nipples (sorry to be graphic). I don't understand how this doesn't violate facebook rules - I mean kids use facebook. I saw who shared it, went to their facebook page to unfriend them so I don't see any more nonsense like that. What was more disturbing is that it was from a Christian woman that goes to a good church that I know... why in the world would somebody like that be posting half nude images for all the world to see!?
Second, later in the day I wanted to find a friend of mine of facebook and put his name in the search, his first name is Brad. I didn't immediately see his account so i clicked view more and as i scrolled down it showed an image of a barely clothed porn star. I searched for "Brad" !! like why in the world would that kind of content be on facebook in the first place, but more frustratingly, why does it come up when I searched for a mans name.
Come on Zuckerberg, you can do better than that.
So after having both of those experiences yesterday, I was pretty nervous that a sudden desire would grip me to look at porn. In the past thats exactly what would have happened... it would almost be like an impulse that I "couldn't" control, a desire so strong that it wouldn't leave until I gave in to porn. So I was dreading having an urge like that overtake me... except it didn't come at all. I feel like that has to be because of my neural pathways being "cleansed" from the junk that would trigger the addiction. It's like in the past content like that would keep reappearing in my mind until I gave into it, but now it's like when the image tries to assert itself on my mind, there's some sort of defense against it that makes it vanish before it can affect me. Sure I could force myself to think of the images if I wanted to, but I don't, I was actually terrified of those images.
As proud of myself that I am for the progress that I have made, and for my brain being "rewired" I still am being extra cautious. Though the feeling of hope for the future is definitely something I'm feeling today. I currently am using a phone with no internet because I don't trust myself with constant access to the internet. A huge part of that concern is constant access to porn, but not just that, it's also access to any number of distractions which hinders my mind from being able to focus. However this is the first time in years that I feel like I might be able to handle technology without it sending me down the PMO path... like if my brain gets cleaned up enough (maybe 3 years no porn?) then I would be able to trust myself with potentially dangerous technology.