the_correct_wolf
Member
Hello everyone,
I have been reading through the YBOP website for the last couple of weeks and I think I have made some really useful connections. Honestly I tend to be way too lenient with myself and it makes it so much easier to slide back into old habits. I think I knew this at one point too, which makes it a hard pill to swallow, but I have been allowing myself many behaviours that continue to sensitize the neural pathway. Even after a period of "abstinence" I struggle and eventually fall back into my porn habit.
I guess I'll include a bit of an introduction. I had everything I needed to live as a child, food, water, shelter, but I was emotionally neglected. My parents are both prone to their own coping mechanisms, my dad a workaholic, alcoholic, who will literally get up and run from emotional situations, my mom a food and TV addict who I suspect is autistic based on how cold she seems and her complete lack of understanding of social norms. (Nothing against autistic people, there are plenty of doctors that would be happy to place me on the spectrum.) I learned early on that my emotional needs were an inconvenience and by example how to distract myself from them and repress.
There was some sort of sexual abuse between some cousins and I but the memories are vague. I know from context that it all happened before I was eight years old and I never told anyone until my wife, thirty years later. My first experience with porn was probably around ten, a friend's dad left an adult channel on the kitchen TV while he was gone and we stumbled upon it. I remember compulsively masturbating while I was in middle school. I had a single page from a nude magazine hidden under my mattress for a while that I would look at before I went to sleep. My family got the internet shortly after and I spent an inordinate amount of time looking anything arousing. At first, of course, there was a filter but I could still find pictures of women in bikinis and that was enough for me. This quickly escalated to nudity, then hardcore porn, through several different genres, and finally to shemale porn. This triggered a new level of shame that I had never experienced, now in addition to just hiding this from my parents I had to hide it from everyone. This is where I first truly experienced not being able to control my behaviour. I began the cycle of downloading massive collections of material then deleting everything and swearing to myself I would stop, only to start over a little while later.
I have been in "recovery" on and off for about eleven years now. Most of my efforts have been pretty half-assed though so I think it's not terribly accurate to call it recovery. Towards the end of last year I started actually tracking my behaviours and making an effort to change them. Like I said I have been too lax with myself, specifically with my definition of sobriety. I have re-assessed and I am including the substitutes I have been using. I am also making an effort to directly engage with my emotions rather than trying to escape them, I think this is what triggered some of my recent slip ups due to triggering my urge to escape and my lack of clear boundaries with myself. I feel good about where I am though, with respect to recovery, I believe I have a good grasp on what I have to do, and I am making progress, I am on the right track. I have often struggled to see myself as a healthy person but I really feel like it is possible now. I am watching the layers of denial and minimizations peel back and I am dealing with the reality of the situation, which is incredibly painful, but I know it's necessary. I am looking forward to this.
I'm on day 13 of my full reboot, 159 with no porn, and 47 with no masturbation.
Thank you, anyone who has read this. I look forward to being a part of this community.
I have been reading through the YBOP website for the last couple of weeks and I think I have made some really useful connections. Honestly I tend to be way too lenient with myself and it makes it so much easier to slide back into old habits. I think I knew this at one point too, which makes it a hard pill to swallow, but I have been allowing myself many behaviours that continue to sensitize the neural pathway. Even after a period of "abstinence" I struggle and eventually fall back into my porn habit.
I guess I'll include a bit of an introduction. I had everything I needed to live as a child, food, water, shelter, but I was emotionally neglected. My parents are both prone to their own coping mechanisms, my dad a workaholic, alcoholic, who will literally get up and run from emotional situations, my mom a food and TV addict who I suspect is autistic based on how cold she seems and her complete lack of understanding of social norms. (Nothing against autistic people, there are plenty of doctors that would be happy to place me on the spectrum.) I learned early on that my emotional needs were an inconvenience and by example how to distract myself from them and repress.
There was some sort of sexual abuse between some cousins and I but the memories are vague. I know from context that it all happened before I was eight years old and I never told anyone until my wife, thirty years later. My first experience with porn was probably around ten, a friend's dad left an adult channel on the kitchen TV while he was gone and we stumbled upon it. I remember compulsively masturbating while I was in middle school. I had a single page from a nude magazine hidden under my mattress for a while that I would look at before I went to sleep. My family got the internet shortly after and I spent an inordinate amount of time looking anything arousing. At first, of course, there was a filter but I could still find pictures of women in bikinis and that was enough for me. This quickly escalated to nudity, then hardcore porn, through several different genres, and finally to shemale porn. This triggered a new level of shame that I had never experienced, now in addition to just hiding this from my parents I had to hide it from everyone. This is where I first truly experienced not being able to control my behaviour. I began the cycle of downloading massive collections of material then deleting everything and swearing to myself I would stop, only to start over a little while later.
I have been in "recovery" on and off for about eleven years now. Most of my efforts have been pretty half-assed though so I think it's not terribly accurate to call it recovery. Towards the end of last year I started actually tracking my behaviours and making an effort to change them. Like I said I have been too lax with myself, specifically with my definition of sobriety. I have re-assessed and I am including the substitutes I have been using. I am also making an effort to directly engage with my emotions rather than trying to escape them, I think this is what triggered some of my recent slip ups due to triggering my urge to escape and my lack of clear boundaries with myself. I feel good about where I am though, with respect to recovery, I believe I have a good grasp on what I have to do, and I am making progress, I am on the right track. I have often struggled to see myself as a healthy person but I really feel like it is possible now. I am watching the layers of denial and minimizations peel back and I am dealing with the reality of the situation, which is incredibly painful, but I know it's necessary. I am looking forward to this.
I'm on day 13 of my full reboot, 159 with no porn, and 47 with no masturbation.
Thank you, anyone who has read this. I look forward to being a part of this community.
