Pretty dumb, for a smart guy.

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 37

In the past couple of weeks there have been some major changes in my wife's family. Her mom has always been extremely abusive and an all around insufferable person. My wife was the scapegoat of her family and, as is typical, the only one who was willing to point out the problems. She ended up cutting contact with her mother five years ago and more or less losing touch with the rest of them as her mother did everything she could to turn them against her or punish them for continuing to talk to her. She re-established contact out of fears from her father's failing health. While she was away her mother's abusive behaviour was directed at the rest of them and they have all come to regret how they treated her. Just last week her final sibling hit his breaking point, everyone now sees what she has all along and her mother's false persona has been completely dismantled. It has taken her some time to process but this is pretty much the best possible way this could have worked out. Her and I both are in disbelief. I am so happy for her, that she was able to get the satisfaction of each one of her family members learning that she was right all along, that she now knows her mom can't turn everyone else against her because they all see through the bullshit.

That all being said I'm really fucking depressed and I'm mad at myself because I can't match her excitement. Spending time around my family, almost a week ago now, is still getting to me and I'm mad at myself about that too because I know not to expect anything more from these people. I'm mad at myself for lying to myself and trying to pretend that it doesn't affect me and taking days to realise how much it has. My wife an I have been discussing our respective families a lot the past few days and it has kept this all at the top of my mind. On some level I am holding out hope of getting their approval, or some sort of validation, but I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I think I know better but every time I'm around these people I end up feeling like shit for several days afterwards and I'm mad at myself for how much time I'm losing to this because I feel like I should be able to not let it get to me.

My birthday is coming up soon too and I have a lot of mixed feelings about that. It tends to cause a lot of introspection and analysis as it approaches. I am not happy with my marriage, or any of my relationships, or how I have been living over the past year. I could have done much better. In general though my life is not bad and I have many reasons to be grateful. Financially we are well off, we have made some good decisions and managed our money well, we are much further ahead than most people our age. I earn enough to live comfortably without the need for my wife to work so she is able to pursue projects she is passionate about without worrying about the earning potential, if she likes. I work for a company that takes very good care of their employees with huge potential for advancement and relocation globally. I find my field challenging and rewarding. I guess without meaningful connection the rest of it feels kind of empty. My wife is the only person I have been able to connect with in a meaningful way and that's the one aspect of my life in which I have not improved. I'm on the right track now but I still don't know if I will be able to get it back to a point where we can both have a fulfilling experience.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 43

Well my birthday is over. I didn't do anything remarkable, only a couple of people bothered to reach out. I think part of why this event has been triggering so much depression for me is because it brings up the fact that I don't really have many close relationships. I feel like I should do something to celebrate the occasion but there aren't many people I would care to see or that I would even expect to show up if I invited them. I have had many birthdays where plans don't really work out and I end up disappointed.

I also feel guilty doing anything for myself, I don't know if I would feel better if someone else planned something, probably not. Because I feel guilty about it I have a lot of trouble making decisions and the plans end up being kind of last-minute and half-assed. So the likelihood of disappointment is high right off the bat. I kind of create my own catch-22 where I'm disappointed no matter what I do, even if I give up and decide not to do anything I'm still disappointed in myself because I can't even do something for my own birthday. hahaha

My wife and I had discussed going out to dinner one night this week but she ended up not feeling well and all our plans for the week got thrown out the window. All in all it's been a really shitty depressing week and I'm glad it's over. I just want to move on and continue getting my life in order. Maybe by next year I'll feel good enough about the progress I've made that I will have something to actually celebrate.

 

[Simon2]

Stay with it. Better days are ahead! I don't have may friends either but I've really tried to focus on the positive I get from each of the few I hang out with. It seems everyone gets busy with their own lives at some point...

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Hi @SimonM Thanks for the encouragement!
I'm not even upset about not having many friends, just the fact that they are all pretty superficial connections. I've been avoiding intimacy my whole life, the closest thing I have had is within romantic relationships and even then it's been fairly shallow. I think people tend to end up in social groups with others who share the same issues. Especially if you are prone to normalising your problems, it makes it so much easier to minimise it. "I'm not an alcoholic, Bill drinks way more than I do." Even the classic "everybody looks at porn" works much better in an environment where the people around you do so to an extent that is problematic. On some level I know that if I am to get healthy it will mean losing most of the friends I have, either intentionally because there is a risk of them dragging me back into unhealthy behaviour, or just because we will grow apart as my values and habits change.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 53

I have been doing a bad job of communicating regularly with my wife and I'm not even completely sure why. This has always been something that I find difficult, I have low self-worth and fear all intimacy. I know that when I'm not talking to her regularly or taking the initiative to bring up these difficult topics she is going to assume the worst, but I'm still reluctant. I'm making this whole thing more difficult for myself, more stressful for her, and less likely to succeed, for no apparent reason. Part of what I can identify as contributing to my hesitancy is that I often don't feel like I have anything significant to share, when I haven't had any breakthrough or identified any new aspects I feel like it's not worth bringing to the table. There are often stretches of time, especially when other aspects of life are demanding a lot of my time and attention, where I don't really have much to say. I know from experience that she can get frustrated with me if I am repeatedly initiating these conversations and don't have much to say. That is definitely a situation I want to avoid so I'm sure that's part of it too. I don't think avoiding the conversation altogether is any better but at least I don't have to face the reaction in the moment.

I have been struggling a lot lately feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. I have so many tasks to do each day, I never finish everything before I run out of time, and there are still more each new day. I am actually fully engaged in my life currently and I am still not able to get it all done. I think I always assumed that any of my failures were because I wasn't really putting in any effort and once I did it would all be easy. It's not. I know that I have a lot on my plate, in general, I'm also going through a lot of heavy emotional shit and I should be kind to myself but I'm really having trouble doing so. My challenges don't change the fact that this shit needs to get done. I have read about "gifted kid burnout" when you get used to succeeding without much effort your whole life until you hit a certain point and you don't have the tools or experience to deal with actual challenge. Something like that might be contributing to some extent. I think I derive a lot of my self-worth from these traits and being able to provide for my wife, I am starting to actually doubt myself and my ability to do all of this so it's really been a deep blow to my basic value as a person. I know this is not healthy or accurate.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 65

I would probably benefit from writing here more often. I face the same challenge with communicating emotions to my wife or any type of tracking/ sharing; I feel like I have nothing new to say for several days and then all of a sudden there is a backlog of emotions that comes out of nowhere, or so it seems. I guess I still have work to do as far as building awareness of my emotional states.

I am struggling. I’m feeling incredibly depressed all the time, I’m having trouble concentrating on anything, I’m not planning things well and I feel like I am constantly rushing to complete things by the deadline. When there is no impending due date I don’t make progress with anything, I’ve been just spacing out getting lost in thought. I’ve been falling behind on tasks at work and it has really taken a toll on my academic performance. By failing to prepare and missing some of the material, I have failed the latest exams for two classes for the first time that I can recall. I know there are a lot of emotions I need to process and I need to give myself time to do that but I fear that I am just wasting time. As it is I have been finding myself getting distracted easily and I wonder if I’m not finding new ways to ignore my emotions. How can I force myself to deal with them as they come up?

This is an extremely difficult time of year and I know that I should be kind to myself but I have not been able to do so. I am so mad at myself and I feel like I should be able to just try a little harder and do everything I need to do. Things are picking up at work, final exams are approaching, I have been trying to keep the house in order and take care of the cooking to ease the burden on my wife. I have an extremely complicated relationship with my parents and extended family. I chose not to see any of them for my birthday or thanksgiving, which was probably a wise decision, but this time of year still brings up a lot of emotions. I am giving myself too much to do. My wife has even told me this and one of my biggest fears is that she would think I am not doing enough. I don’t know why I can’t look at this rationally. This failure to do everything is really affecting my confidence, I am seriously starting to doubt my abilities. Objectively I know that I am intelligent and capable and on some level I know I should be able to succeed but I have always had a deep sense of worthlessness and fear that I would fail. I have been told my whole life that I am so smart and if I only applied myself I could do so much better. I guess this was in contrast to how I felt about myself and the fear is that they were all mistaken and I really am of no real value to anyone. For the first time I am really determined and I am trying and it doesn’t appear to be going well. My worst fear may be coming true.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 66

I have been having a lot of trouble connecting with my wife lately and I think one aspect I have not been totally conscious of is my fear of exposing any weakness or doubt. When I mentioned feeling like I have nothing new to say so I avoid talking to her it is usually because I am having trouble. I start doubting myself, my determination, my chances of succeeding in recovery. I avoid getting too detailed in what I share with her because I want to give the impression that I have everything under control. In this case it is a lie and a separation from reality. I’m sure she knows better, listening to me tell her I’m just depressed and everything is otherwise fine is frustrating, and this explains her apparent lack of patience with this dynamic. This all comes down to my own fear of intimacy, sure I can justify it but ultimately sharing my self-doubt and weaknesses is too intimate and triggers all sorts of anxiety in me causing me to shut down.

This situation is complicated. I don’t know how much I should share. I don’t feel that I can even explain it well. I have given her some bad explanations in the heat of the moment and while being pressured for answers and it was not ultimately in the best interest of either of us. The best language I have to try to describe it is doubt, or second guessing, but I don’t feel that is accurate. I know that I want to be healthy, that I want to recover. Before the thought can even be formed that I want to return to the other way of life, I know it’s not true.

I typed out several times trying to word it in a way that seems authentic and I can’t find one. I was afraid that I am just minimising the whole thing but I think I am misinterpreting my own thoughts. I can chalk this up to conditioning. I have intrusive thoughts, or flashbacks, of going back to my unhealthy coping mechanisms and I interpret this as some repressed desire or intention. It’s no coincidence that this becomes a problem when I am most stressed. That’s how I dealt with stress for so long that it’s an automatic response to it now. It’s such a fucked up situation to be at odds with your own mind. I feel dumb again for not being able to recognise this sooner. The title of my journal is proving to be accurate. Hahaha

 

[Brianstorm]

@the_correct_wolf Reading through some of your posts my overall impression is you are really, really hard on yourself. And I get it because I can be that way too. A change in how you think about things and describe them can be really helpful. But you don't need to go too heavy in the other way either. Too much positivity can ultimately be a problem too. Instead of always focusing on the negative try to look at things plainly, not judging good or bad, just take things as they are. And when you think about or describe what you're going through give yourself some slack. You are only human, not perfect, not able to do everything.
You can want things to be a certain way and still enjoy your life and yourself now. You don't need to be hard on yourself as some kind of motivation to get things done. After all that is what you have been doing and has it worked? Try to not criticize yourself and think better of yourself and your efforts (66 days is a lot!). You might find that by not being so hard on yourself everything becomes so much easier and you end up getting done what you want.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Thank you for the feedback, @Brianstorm you are not the first person to tell me this. Soon I might even start to believe it!
Seriously though, this is something I struggle with. Honestly, I vacillate between being too hard on myself and not holding myself accountable at all and can't really maintain a moderate stance. In every aspect of my life I have very high standards for myself and have a hard time appreciating anything less. I am constantly focusing on the next goal and never really take time to enjoy incremental achievements. A lot of this may be acting as a distraction too, to focus on something other than the feelings I am afraid of dealing with. I also have a tendency to seek external validation in an attempt to compensate for my lack of self-worth. Neither method will be successful in the long term. It helps to take a step back sometimes and look at these patterns, so thanks again for the perspective.

Day 73 now of my total reboot, trying to cut out anything associated with my addictions. In total it's 219 days no p, 107 days no m. I try to be objective and I recognise that this is significant but ultimately the goal is identifying problems and behaviours that need to be corrected, so it can be interpreted as overly critical. I see a lot of guys on these forums or in 12-step groups making the same mistakes over and over and everyone jumps in to console them. 'Don't beat yourself up.' I don't know if this is always the best response without acknowledging mistakes and taking action to change the behaviour. I guess I'm just afraid of never being able to get away from this completely, never being able to live a healthy life or have an intimate relationship with my wife without putting her at risk. I can't keep making the same mistakes.

 

[Brianstorm]

Thank you for the feedback, @Brianstorm you are not the first person to tell me this. Soon I might even start to believe it!
Seriously though, this is something I struggle with. Honestly, I vacillate between being too hard on myself and not holding myself accountable at all and can't really maintain a moderate stance. In every aspect of my life I have very high standards for myself and have a hard time appreciating anything less. I am constantly focusing on the next goal and never really take time to enjoy incremental achievements. A lot of this may be acting as a distraction too, to focus on something other than the feelings I am afraid of dealing with. I also have a tendency to seek external validation in an attempt to compensate for my lack of self-worth. Neither method will be successful in the long term. It helps to take a step back sometimes and look at these patterns, so thanks again for the perspective.

Day 73 now of my total reboot, trying to cut out anything associated with my addictions. In total it's 219 days no p, 107 days no m. I try to be objective and I recognise that this is significant but ultimately the goal is identifying problems and behaviours that need to be corrected, so it can be interpreted as overly critical. I see a lot of guys on these forums or in 12-step groups making the same mistakes over and over and everyone jumps in to console them. 'Don't beat yourself up.' I don't know if this is always the best response without acknowledging mistakes and taking action to change the behaviour. I guess I'm just afraid of never being able to get away from this completely, never being able to live a healthy life or have an intimate relationship with my wife without putting her at risk. I can't keep making the same mistakes.

One good way, though it can be difficult, is to try to think of yourself as another person, like a friend. Would you say the things you say to yourself to someone else? Would you be so hard on them? Probably not. If we can treat ourselves like a friend we can feel a lot better and be more balanced.
As for high standards I understand. It's not that I think I'm actually bad or worthless. I just think I have so much potential I'm not living up to. In a way it's a narcissistic thing, to think I can actually be this way, maybe "better" than others, if only I could get the things done I want. Maybe it is that way for you too.
When we judge ourselves harshly that is also a kind of narcissism called covert narcissism. Because in effect it is saying we are great enough to be in a position to judge someone as lower, in this case ourselves. It's a protective thing people often do. Protecting from what? Shame. But it's essentially useless because if we don't judge ourselves like that what happens? Nothing. We're protecting ourselves from nothing. So why do it? Once you can recognize all that it can start to get better. (By the way my therapist definitely helped with all this and if you're not I highly recommend it).
Focusing on the next goal means you never enjoy what you have. Which I'm sure you know. There will always be another thing. Even if you had everything you thought you ever wanted another thing always comes along. You could be the richest guy in the world, have a gigantic house, a huge yacht, etc. But there's always a bigger boat. If you can stop looking over the fence and enjoy your own yard sometimes it will surely be better. They say gratitude is the true key to happiness. And comparison is the thief of joy.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? There are 2 really good scenes in a drug rehabilitation group talking about taking responsibility vs. beating yourself up. Hating yourself and beating yourself up just makes it all worse, even if you did do bad things. first, second

 

[the_correct_wolf]

One good way, though it can be difficult, is to try to think of yourself as another person, like a friend. Would you say the things you say to yourself to someone else? Would you be so hard on them? Probably not. If we can treat ourselves like a friend we can feel a lot better and be more balanced.
As for high standards I understand. It's not that I think I'm actually bad or worthless. I just think I have so much potential I'm not living up to. In a way it's a narcissistic thing, to think I can actually be this way, maybe "better" than others, if only I could get the things done I want. Maybe it is that way for you too.
When we judge ourselves harshly that is also a kind of narcissism called covert narcissism. Because in effect it is saying we are great enough to be in a position to judge someone as lower, in this case ourselves. It's a protective thing people often do. Protecting from what? Shame. But it's essentially useless because if we don't judge ourselves like that what happens? Nothing. We're protecting ourselves from nothing. So why do it? Once you can recognize all that it can start to get better. (By the way my therapist definitely helped with all this and if you're not I highly recommend it).
Focusing on the next goal means you never enjoy what you have. Which I'm sure you know. There will always be another thing. Even if you had everything you thought you ever wanted another thing always comes along. You could be the richest guy in the world, have a gigantic house, a huge yacht, etc. But there's always a bigger boat. If you can stop looking over the fence and enjoy your own yard sometimes it will surely be better. They say gratitude is the true key to happiness. And comparison is the thief of joy.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? There are 2 really good scenes in a drug rehabilitation group talking about taking responsibility vs. beating yourself up. Hating yourself and beating yourself up just makes it all worse, even if you did do bad things. first, second

@Brianstorm , thank you. This is mostly advice I have heard before but it's nice to have a reminder, and to have it reiterated by someone else. I think this struggle stems from a much deeper part of my personality. It feels wrong to admit that I am being too hard on myself because I have made so many excuses for my behaviour and avoided responsibility so often. I am trying to reconcile contradictory components of my self image. I need to find a way of assessing my behaviour objectively and consistently. I have seen a therapist in the past and I plan to find one again at some point. One therapist also recommended trying to think of myself as one of my friends in my position to help with objectivity. I think I tend to give others too much credit though, so it may be just as unhealthy on the other end of the spectrum. In so many aspects of life the ideal is moderation and balance and I tend to vacillate between one extreme and the other.

I have seen [most of] Breaking Bad. I remember these scenes striking a chord with me when I first saw them. I think I am facing the same dilemma. Being too hard on yourself can perpetuate shame and fuel the cycle of addiction further, but accepting your own behaviour can allow you to avoid being accountable and becomes an excuse that allows the behaviour to continue. Jessie and the group leader are arguing opposing points that are both necessary to consider. They are both correct when each side is present, but they are each detrimental on their own. Maybe reconciling these two views is part of recovery that everyone goes through. Recognising the difference between guilt and shame, separating what you have done from who you are, and differentiating between what you are and are not responsible for, must be determined individually and understood on a personal level.

 

[Brianstorm]

@Brianstorm , thank you. This is mostly advice I have heard before but it's nice to have a reminder, and to have it reiterated by someone else. I think this struggle stems from a much deeper part of my personality. It feels wrong to admit that I am being too hard on myself because I have made so many excuses for my behaviour and avoided responsibility so often. I am trying to reconcile contradictory components of my self image. I need to find a way of assessing my behaviour objectively and consistently. I have seen a therapist in the past and I plan to find one again at some point. One therapist also recommended trying to think of myself as one of my friends in my position to help with objectivity. I think I tend to give others too much credit though, so it may be just as unhealthy on the other end of the spectrum. In so many aspects of life the ideal is moderation and balance and I tend to vacillate between one extreme and the other.

I have seen [most of] Breaking Bad. I remember these scenes striking a chord with me when I first saw them. I think I am facing the same dilemma. Being too hard on yourself can perpetuate shame and fuel the cycle of addiction further, but accepting your own behaviour can allow you to avoid being accountable and becomes an excuse that allows the behaviour to continue. Jessie and the group leader are arguing opposing points that are both necessary to consider. They are both correct when each side is present, but they are each detrimental on their own. Maybe reconciling these two views is part of recovery that everyone goes through. Recognising the difference between guilt and shame, separating what you have done from who you are, and differentiating between what you are and are not responsible for, must be determined individually and understood on a personal level.

I think it's a balance between being kind to yourself but also holding yourself accountable. If you do something you feel is wrong or that you didn't want to do you might think "Damn, I'm an idiot." or that you're a piece of shit or bad, etc. But that's not really being accountable, it's just abuse. A better way to think would be "Okay, I did something I didn't want to do. I admit it and it was wrong. I will work to change my behavior so I don't repeat this behavior in the future." and then how you will actually try to change. You take responsibility but instead of beating yourself up you realkly try to be proactive in changing yourself and the behavior. You definitely can and should assess your own behavior but beating yourselgf up isn't the key to changing it. Taking active responsibility and making real change is not taking it easy either, it's actuially much harder than just beating yourself up.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Good point. Ultimately the focus needs to be on what you can do to change. Acknowledge what you don't like and what control you have in your situation, and then exercise that control.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Day 97
I've been overwhelmed with life, school, work, holidays, family, and then getting sick. It's all starting to calm down and I feel disoriented. It all served as a distraction from my recovery and my emotions, and honestly I have been distracting myself to some extent. Life is starting to calm down and I'm realising how upset I've been just under the surface.

I've completed my original 90 day reboot goal, although it's just a milestone. The original plan was to avoid any type of distraction so I had no escape left and would be forced to face my emotions. I got a little lax with my rules in the last couple weeks or so but I think ultimately I accomplished what I set out to do. I didn’t really want to make a big deal about it because it is just the beginning of this whole journey. What does the next phase look like? I don’t really know but I’d better figure it out before I’m totally derailed. I’ve got some time before the end of the year to plan it out. I guess it’s a good starting point even if it's a little cliche.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@the_correct_wolf
Congrats on your 90 days milestone!
I wonder have you discovered something new about yourself, have something interesting to pursue, or make some significant changes to your life?

I have a be damned about my past attitude. Nothing I do can change my past. Instead all I care about now is my future and how I should live it.

The key I believe is to devote more about understanding ourself and our interests, as these will motivate and keep us happy and contented without every having to resort to PMO to fill any emotional or interest gaps.

I don't want to spend time being hard on myself because it doesnt help me. The only hard I am on myself is sticking to the plan and getting things done.

Hope you are well and improving !

 

[the_correct_wolf]

Thanks, @TakeActionNow I don't know if I've learned anything new. At this point I think it's just a matter of applying what I know to my life rather than just intellectualising my problems and holding on to my maladaptive coping strategies. I also continue to better understand things that I thought I already knew. I've got plenty to work on between my career, education, marriage, and continuing to work on my underlying issues. One of my main goals now is learning how to deal with my family. The way my parents treated me and the way we all relate to each other is the root cause of my problems. I've been conditioned to act certain ways through these patterns and correcting that is going to be a big step towards being a fully functional adult human for me. I'm very nervous about it though.

I know what you mean about not dwelling on the past and putting more focus on moving forward in a healthier way. I have also gained a lot of insight from analysing my own patterns of behaviour. I think you really need to strike a balance between the two and I think the time and effort needed will be different from one individual to the next and vary over time. You need the strength and humility to admit what doesn't work, adjust, and keep trying.

I hope you are also well and continue to improve.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

I have been doing a shitty job communicating with my wife. I want to do better but I’m not sure exactly how. I know I need to talk to her regularly about how I am doing to help build trust and connection and I haven't been. The tricky part is that she is not ready to share much herself. She does not feel safe enough to be open with me, she feels she needs to try to remain disconnected to keep herself from being hurt again. I completely understand why she feels this way, I can admit that there would be risk involved, so I can’t even argue against it. This creates what tend to be one sided conversations. I am also reluctant to initiate conversation on days that I don’t have anything new to share. I have been able to force myself but I end up saying nothing of much value and she checks out. I can understand this too but if she can’t bother to look up from her phone I’m not able to be completely vulnerable. Maybe I just need to figure it out and do it anyway. The whole situation is frustrating and I feel stuck. I’ve been meaning to post about this for a while but I feel like it’s my responsibility to figure it out no matter how she acts so what’s the point of asking anyone? I also haven’t been able to get over it so I’ve been just kind of biding my time, hoping she would want to open up more at some point.

 

[Gracie]

Something I use in my work is people text Each other. It takes voice tone out. And you communicate. My husband sends me a text every morning. Sometimes it is hooray for hump day. And then we have F#$@k it Friday and many more. Communicate even this opens a door

 

[TakeActionNow]

I have been doing a shitty job communicating with my wife. I want to do better but I’m not sure exactly how. I know I need to talk to her regularly about how I am doing to help build trust and connection and I haven't been. The tricky part is that she is not ready to share much herself. She does not feel safe enough to be open with me, she feels she needs to try to remain disconnected to keep herself from being hurt again. I completely understand why she feels this way, I can admit that there would be risk involved, so I can’t even argue against it. This creates what tend to be one sided conversations. I am also reluctant to initiate conversation on days that I don’t have anything new to share. I have been able to force myself but I end up saying nothing of much value and she checks out. I can understand this too but if she can’t bother to look up from her phone I’m not able to be completely vulnerable. Maybe I just need to figure it out and do it anyway. The whole situation is frustrating and I feel stuck. I’ve been meaning to post about this for a while but I feel like it’s my responsibility to figure it out no matter how she acts so what’s the point of asking anyone? I also haven’t been able to get over it so I’ve been just kind of biding my time, hoping she would want to open up more at some point.

My wife is a very quiet person too while I was excessively chatty. It took a long while before I found the secret recipe:

1. Don't talk. Just listen
2. Lock private time together each day. For us it's 30mins breakfast. I just sit there and listen mostly.
3. Thoughtful and sincere communication. These last few months of extensive blogging here on RN have helped clean and condensed my thoughts to their key points. When I speak to her it's not for anything other than sharing my opinion.. somehow that sat better with her.
4. Be supportive in all of her requests.
5. Don't make any request for her to change. Just show her how you yourself have changed.


I keep more things to myself now. Not because I'm closed but because I realize
1. It's private issue for me to solve
2. I don't need to bother her with unnecessary detail

I find that what works for her makes her happier and automatically makes my life better.


My love languages are talk and touch.
Hers are time and task.
Meet hers first and gradually she will meet some of yours.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thanks, @TakeActionNow I don't know if I've learned anything new. At this point I think it's just a matter of applying what I know to my life rather than just intellectualising my problems and holding on to my maladaptive coping strategies. I also continue to better understand things that I thought I already knew. I've got plenty to work on between my career, education, marriage, and continuing to work on my underlying issues. One of my main goals now is learning how to deal with my family. The way my parents treated me and the way we all relate to each other is the root cause of my problems. I've been conditioned to act certain ways through these patterns and correcting that is going to be a big step towards being a fully functional adult human for me. I'm very nervous about it though.

I know what you mean about not dwelling on the past and putting more focus on moving forward in a healthier way. I have also gained a lot of insight from analysing my own patterns of behaviour. I think you really need to strike a balance between the two and I think the time and effort needed will be different from one individual to the next and vary over time. You need the strength and humility to admit what doesn't work, adjust, and keep trying.

I hope you are also well and continue to improve.

Sorry for late reply.
These last few months I learnt a ton of new things through writing and reflecting. It's simply about being open and curious to the reboot experience. And I'd say this is the most important aspect of helping me move forward. Finding out what's available now instead of holding on to what was available in the past.

I'm like the newly crippled who found out how to do tricks on the wheelchair and deciding I'll be a wheelchair stunt performer kind of discovery.

Hope you make many discoveries about yourself and life outside of the addiction cloud.