Pretty dumb, for a smart guy.

[the_correct_wolf]

@Gracie, Thanks for the input! There are times when this would be helpful to overcome some of my own difficulties either breaking the ice after I have neglected to initiate conversations for a while or when broaching topics about which I am apprehensive.

My struggle now, I think lies more in managing my expectations. I get frustrated when I feel like I am doing everything right, our relationship seems to be improving, I feel we are growing closer, and then she pulls back or unloads a bunch of things she has been upset about and keeping back. I am taking a risk by opening up an being vulnerable, sharing my thoughts and feelings while she is doing her best not to be vulnerable, and then I am hurt when she lashes out. I guess when you consider how I have treated her for the past twelve years of our relationship I have trouble feeling sympathy for myself. haha The fact that I can go through this whole though process on my own often stops me from expressing things. I realise I'm off base before I can talk about it but there's still some remnants of the emotional effect. Even now I'm tempted to delete this rather than post.

 

[the_correct_wolf]

@TakeActionNow I wouldn't say that my wife is a quiet person, we are both introverted by nature but we converse at length almost every day. Her holding back in certain ways is a deliberate effort to protect herself. If she is vulnerable with me and I betray her again the damage will be worse. This has happened in the past so, like I said before, I understand the need for her to take this precaution.

She will not offer much on her own so I'm afraid just listening will not get me very far. I need to lead the conversation but she has also expressed displeasure when I just go on about how I feel. I guess I should add that it's not entirely mystery what she wants, she has told me I need to ask her questions and make an effort to understand her experience. I have also learned that if I ask questions too generic, "How are you doing?" I will get similarly vague answers, "Shitty.", or "You know..." I need to figure out how to lead the conversation but also not talk too much and listen better.

My wife is also fiercely independent. She says her primary love language is performing tasks but she tends to not let anyone do things for her. I find little ways to fit it in. I need to learn to accept the incremental improvements and continue to focus on moving forward.

Thank you for your replies. I know it seems like each point of advice did not apply for me, but this does help me think through everything.
Best of luck to you!

 

[TakeActionNow]

@the_correct_wolf
thanks for sharing.
Here's a few more tips for your consideration.

1. I connect with her more in indirect fashion:
- i read this article today and i thought....
- about our child's issue, what do you think...
- the coming meeting is there something you'd like to say...
This then draws out her thoughts and then we take it from there.

2. be very responsive to her requests.
if she says take the garbage out, do it, and do it consistently and diligently.
this is where trust is won, because she will feel heard and recognized.

3. my wife is also very independent.
an independent person is one who tries to bear all the burdens and responsibilities by themselves.
they generally either want the challenge, or they naturally have an issue relating with people (easier to not ask for help)
as they tend not to ask for help, nor find relief in social bonding and problem sharing, that generally means they would tire out sooner than the rest. this is where i step in the most.
when she's well and fit i know she doesn't need me and i go do my own things
but the evening is when i am most kind and generous, taking overly childcare while she takes a powernap after reaching home from work.
this by far is the biggest win for me in our relationship and has bought me a lot of appreciation and good will.
We have a tag out system now.
When she is near her limits, either she taps out with me, or i volunteer to take over.
i sometimes ask her her agitation-o-meter just to get a sense. we both know when its rising and can take preventive measures early.

Not being able to articulate her needs early, or help me appreciate the situation and work together better were the roots of our implosion earlier. not much has changed with communication style today, but being more patient, sensitive and careful with my words help to draw necessary information out. They cannot be rushed to talk. They must feel safe to share first. This almost happens always at our private breakfast session.

4. repeat what she said
she doesnt say much so whatever she said are important.
repeat to her so that she knows shes been heard and i got the message.
repeat again later when the deed is do to emphasize the importance of her word.
do it playfully and she'll know its done willingly and not disgruntledly.

5. i always make an effort to be near her. never find the opportunity to hid in another room.
if she doesnt feel like talking and i have nothing necessary to say, i keep mum too.
its ok. play the game of who keeps mum longer.
as she's not clued into this game, more often than not, i'd win

that's all i have for winning my wife over.
I hope this helps too!

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Gracie, Thanks for the input! There are times when this would be helpful to overcome some of my own difficulties either breaking the ice after I have neglected to initiate conversations for a while or when broaching topics about which I am apprehensive.

My struggle now, I think lies more in managing my expectations. I get frustrated when I feel like I am doing everything right, our relationship seems to be improving, I feel we are growing closer, and then she pulls back or unloads a bunch of things she has been upset about and keeping back. I am taking a risk by opening up an being vulnerable, sharing my thoughts and feelings while she is doing her best not to be vulnerable, and then I am hurt when she lashes out. I guess when you consider how I have treated her for the past twelve years of our relationship I have trouble feeling sympathy for myself. haha The fact that I can go through this whole though process on my own often stops me from expressing things. I realise I'm off base before I can talk about it but there's still some remnants of the emotional effect. Even now I'm tempted to delete this rather than post.

here, its very important to have new perspective.
what is you goal?
if it is to secure the relationship, then this goal is naturally higher in priority than your ego.

agitation of someone lashing out is ego talking.
instead of taking it personally, think of it as activation of their emergency release valve.
it is a good thing !

independent people are pressure cookers ! we will never know of trouble until the very last moment.
let them release release release until they are satisfied.
remember that they usually don't blow up until they have to.
keep your goal in your mind.
think of this as the rough patch of sea before land fall and sandy beaches.
we are here for the long haul

in the meanwhile, fill yourself with joy outside of her.
do community work or have some personal hobbies.
enjoy life and top up your tolerance for life's little inconveniences

 

[Beautiful1973]

I am taking a risk by opening up a being vulnerable, sharing my thoughts and feelings while she is doing her best not to be vulnerable, and then I am hurt when she lashes out.

Can I ask how you react when she lashes out at you? Get defensive? Walk away? Something else?

 

[the_correct_wolf]

here, its very important to have new perspective.
what is you goal?
if it is to secure the relationship, then this goal is naturally higher in priority than your ego.

agitation of someone lashing out is ego talking.
instead of taking it personally, think of it as activation of their emergency release valve.
it is a good thing !

independent people are pressure cookers ! we will never know of trouble until the very last moment.
let them release release release until they are satisfied.
remember that they usually don't blow up until they have to.
keep your goal in your mind.
think of this as the rough patch of sea before land fall and sandy beaches.
we are here for the long haul

@TakeActionNow, you are 100% correct. I have noticed myself losing sight of my overarching goals and allowing the momentary difficulties to influence my perception more than than they should. It is helpful to be reminded occasionally to consider the bigger picture. Thank you for that!

My wife does have a tendency to keep her frustrations to herself, building resentment, until she reaches her breaking point where she unloads it all. I don't know if this is the healthiest way go about this but it's a pattern I am well aware of, so it is not surprising. We both have a habit of not speaking our mind at times and it can cause problems. I would prefer that she lets me know when she is upset with my behaviour in the moment, but it is my responsibility to be initiating conversations regularly so if I am not following through on that it puts her in a difficult position. I am the main offender here and I need to really stay on top of doing my part if I want to see any progress.

Can I ask how you react when she lashes out at you? Get defensive? Walk away? Something else?

@Beautiful1973, I have certainly been defensive at times but usually I shut down. My primary response to stressful situations is to freeze, I don't say much, just kind of keep my head down and try to end it as quickly as possible. This is a method of dealing with confrontation that I learned in childhood and it's an area I really need to work on. I actually tend to dissociate in situations like this and I don't even remember it well the next day.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@TakeActionNow, you are 100% correct. I have noticed myself losing sight of my overarching goals and allowing the momentary difficulties to influence my perception more than than they should. It is helpful to be reminded occasionally to consider the bigger picture. Thank you for that!

My wife does have a tendency to keep her frustrations to herself, building resentment, until she reaches her breaking point where she unloads it all. I don't know if this is the healthiest way go about this but it's a pattern I am well aware of, so it is not surprising. We both have a habit of not speaking our mind at times and it can cause problems. I would prefer that she lets me know when she is upset with my behaviour in the moment, but it is my responsibility to be initiating conversations regularly so if I am not following through on that it puts her in a difficult position. I am the main offender here and I need to really stay on top of doing my part if I want to see any progress.


@Beautiful1973, I have certainly been defensive at times but usually I shut down. My primary response to stressful situations is to freeze, I don't say much, just kind of keep my head down and try to end it as quickly as possible. This is a method of dealing with confrontation that I learned in childhood and it's an area I really need to work on. I actually tend to dissociate in situations like this and I don't even remember it well the next day.

Let technology and schedules help you.

Monthly
Fix a day every month on the calendar with her to do a 1:1. Set out things to talk about each month so everyone can contribute.

Daily
Set a daily 30min session just the 2 of you. Like I mentioned, my morning 30mins was a marriage saver.
Set some alarms to remind you to drop a note or something thats meaningful for her. Sometimes something lame like lunch photo can also be shared. Up to you to be creative.

Weekly
Have a private dinner with her at least once a week. Ideally make it the same day so it's easy to remember



Always do a weekend outing as a family if you can. Our sats are quite firm bringing the child out for riding while Sun mornings are usually picnic at a nearby park.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@Beautiful1973, I have certainly been defensive at times but usually I shut down. My primary response to stressful situations is to freeze, I don't say much, just kind of keep my head down and try to end it as quickly as possible. This is a method of dealing with confrontation that I learned in childhood and it's an area I really need to work on. I actually tend to dissociate in situations like this and I don't even remember it well the next day.

Thanks for your reply!
What if you had a different response, what if you reached for her instead of shutting down or pulling away. What if when she was finished lashing out you paused and then hugged her, or said ‘do you need me to hold you’?!?!? I’m ready this book called Mating in Captivity…unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Ester Perel….. there was a scenario in the book of a couple dynamic that reminded me of how you describe your interactions with your Wife…… and this was the advice that Ester gave the husband.
I wondered if you would be open to trying it and see if you can shake things up in a good way.
Let me know your thoughts

 

[the_correct_wolf]

@TakeActionNow I have a regular session to talk every day. The problem is that I don't always follow through. I could probably add in some other times to connect on different intervals, weekly, monthly. Might help me get back on track when I fall out of the habit.

@Beautiful1973 physical affection has been kind of touch and go for us. I tend to lean on it a little too much rather than actually communicating. Wether or not she is receptive to it can change day to day and with her tendancy to hold in her reactions, I don't notice when it's bothering her. Or rather, I do notice but I second guess myself and then do it more in an attempt to verify. The resulting sudden increase in affection can be enough of a change in behaviour on my part that she starts to feel suspicious. All of this could be avoided with some better communication, my lack of which is usually why she is pulling away in the first place.

I hope it doesn't come across like I'm just shooting down all of your advice. I really do appreciate it and even if I don't intact your suggestions, talking through all of this is helping me understand it better. Thank you!

 

[TakeActionNow]

@the_correct_wolf all good my friend. You do whatever is good and works for you. But you gotta prioritize and remember who, what and why you are doing this for. I know the unpayable price I have if I don't, so I put in my time, and make use of every help and tool to ensure that I do.