Day 1 - No PMO:
Today marks the start of this journey. I am hopeful, yet there is a part of me that is scared of the unknown. I am sure this time is the one, and I am hopeful to end 2022 with around 84 days PMO free under my belt. My day so far is going good. I had strong urges when I first woke up. I normally have a bad feeling about streaks that start with an urge on the first day - but I guess you play the cards you've been dealt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I say this because all my long streaks in the past started with this strong conviction that I will never touch porn again in my life, and I feel like this gives me enough juice to power through the first month, which is when I'm most prone to relapsing. Of course, this is all anecdotal and I can't back it up scientifically, but I am a firm believer that relapse is caused by doubts, and they are what creates the cravings to use. I believe the term used in the AA community is 'white-knuckling', which is when you are fighting the growing doubts in your head to use/drink, and it makes you crave even more.
I went to the gym in the morning after getting those strong urges, and by the time I was done, it was completely gone. So there's something to look forward to. I feel like I am back on track now, and managed to pull myself, even after observing myself make that decision to PMO (which is usually a point of no return for me). I was already thinking about what clips I would watch and my PMO ritual - you know the drill. I guess it's little wins like these that I should learn to cherish on this journey.
I'm now positive that I will not relapse today, but I will remain vigilant.
Backstory:
I am a textbook cautionary tale. 28 years old and been PMOing for as long as I can remember. Although I know I am not old, I have actually been PMOing longer than some people on here have been alive, and I am not even 30 yet. I went through the classic escalation phases (maybe a bit earlier than some people), where I started by touching myself when I was 6 and by the time I was 10, I was regularly masturbating to stuff I see on TV, magazines, internet, etc. It wasn't until I turned 14 that I got into porn sites though. I have been actively trying to leave this addiction behind me for 14 years now, which sounds crazy now that I am typing it. In terms of the damage it's caused to me, I think it got to a point where the damage magnitude is not quantifiable anymore. Everything about this addiction is pure hell. I know PMO is the cause/trigger of most of this damage (even my BDD, I dare say) because the times when I am on a long streak, everything seems to be improving. I feel like I am in a state of...equanimity, a kind of balance with nature when I am not using. With porn, I have to now deal with the brain fog, the pain in my genitals after using, the loss of self-respect because of what I have been watching over the years (DON'T LISTEN TO THE CRAP THEY FEED YOU, YOUR VERY SPECIFIC FETISH THAT YOU ARE NOW INTO IS NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT), the horrendous PIED, the damage I have done to my partner...and this endless list goes on. I have done somethings that I am not proud of. I have seen things that I am not proud of. My advice to younger members on this forum is: don't try to act out fantasies that developed with increasing porn use until you've done at least 2-3 months without porn. Trust me, most of the time it's just faux fantasies that will go away when you stop feeding your brain this poison.
I can't tell for sure what the biggest damage that porn has done to me, but I can list a few things I normally feel after a relapse, most recent being yesterday's:
1. Feeling less of a man (because of what I watch), 2. Time lost over the years (this hits me now more than it did a few years back), 3. Wasted opportunities, 4. PIED (I can't even get it up to porn anymore, let alone my partner), 5. Betraying my partner, 6. Lying to myself and my loved ones, 7. That constant feeling that I am living life in second gear because of porn, 8. The brain fog (I need a healthy brain to progress in my career), 9. Depression and crippling BDD symptoms just resurfacing.
I know there is more to life than porn. I will continue fighting until I get there.