McNutty
Active Member
1% - No PMO:
I logged in tonight and realized that I haven’t put an entry since the end of June. I had a tough night tonight, bingeing for hours like a zombie – most of us know this scenario too well, and only the lucky ones experience it as a sour memory of where they once were. I have trouble falling asleep from the shame and the guilt that is consuming me. I started this original thread more than a year ago and had a very good streak from it. Since then, I have not been able to make it to even 30 days, let alone my 67 or 68. For me, it’s more than just the ‘number-of-days-away-from-porn’ idea, it’s about distancing myself as far as possible from the person I hate. The person that stays up all night, neglecting work and responsibilities. The more days I am free, the further I am from the shame and guilt.
I have been thinking a lot about why is it that I am unable to leave this addiction behind. I concluded recently (I also pieced it together from other forums) that I suffer from the ‘Status Addictus’ (i.e., state of addiction) mindset. I am not free because I fully expect I will use porn tomorrow, or the day after, or some other time in the future. I will therefore not be free, until I let go of the status addictus and fully identify with the non-addict in me. This is more of a no-brainer than an observation and I guess most people come to this conclusion on their own during the course of their recovery. The question really is: how do I escape the status addictus? Daily affirmations to remind myself I don’t have to be addicted forever? I honestly I’m not sure how I will leave this mental state behind me, but all my streaks in the past are testament to my ability to do so if I put my mind and heart to it.
I am hoping to journal through to the 24th of February next year, which is one hundred days from now, hence the 1% in the title, which signifies 1/100 days. I am hoping that as I journal, I will shed light on the status addictus and expose it for what it is…an illusion.
I logged in tonight and realized that I haven’t put an entry since the end of June. I had a tough night tonight, bingeing for hours like a zombie – most of us know this scenario too well, and only the lucky ones experience it as a sour memory of where they once were. I have trouble falling asleep from the shame and the guilt that is consuming me. I started this original thread more than a year ago and had a very good streak from it. Since then, I have not been able to make it to even 30 days, let alone my 67 or 68. For me, it’s more than just the ‘number-of-days-away-from-porn’ idea, it’s about distancing myself as far as possible from the person I hate. The person that stays up all night, neglecting work and responsibilities. The more days I am free, the further I am from the shame and guilt.
I have been thinking a lot about why is it that I am unable to leave this addiction behind. I concluded recently (I also pieced it together from other forums) that I suffer from the ‘Status Addictus’ (i.e., state of addiction) mindset. I am not free because I fully expect I will use porn tomorrow, or the day after, or some other time in the future. I will therefore not be free, until I let go of the status addictus and fully identify with the non-addict in me. This is more of a no-brainer than an observation and I guess most people come to this conclusion on their own during the course of their recovery. The question really is: how do I escape the status addictus? Daily affirmations to remind myself I don’t have to be addicted forever? I honestly I’m not sure how I will leave this mental state behind me, but all my streaks in the past are testament to my ability to do so if I put my mind and heart to it.
I am hoping to journal through to the 24th of February next year, which is one hundred days from now, hence the 1% in the title, which signifies 1/100 days. I am hoping that as I journal, I will shed light on the status addictus and expose it for what it is…an illusion.